Pathetic Startup Releases Investor/Consumer Pitch

Before you judge the wording in the title, I beg you to watch this video:

Nothing has made me bury my head in my arms more than this video did.

Here's the point by point takedown TechCrunch provided:


So here’s a step-by-step for what not to do in your startup video:

Don’t tell us that your app is going to be viral before it’s even friggin’ released. [0:11]

Don’t expect the press to cover your stupid app before it’s even friggin’ been released. Except for maybe in posts parodying it. [0:15]

Don’t assume your friends and family members will be talking about it. Likewise, don’t assume strangers will be coming up to you on the friggin’ street to talk about it. [0:20]

Don’t say your stupid app is going to change the way we communicate, or call it “The biggest breakthrough since email.” [0:26]

Don’t promise that your app will change how commerce, either online or offline, is happening. Definitely not both. [0:30]

Don’t promise (again) that your stupid app is going to go viral. Don’t compare its growth to Facebook, or Twitter. [0:36]

Don’t pretend to know how people were talking to Mark Zuckerberg in the cafeteria at Harvard. Or, uh, how he would respond. [0:50]

Please don’t bring Adam D’Angelo into this. Also, if you must, don’t say he looks 13 years old. [1:02]

Don’t try to impress me with Adam D’Angelo’s net worth. Wait, why are we talking about Adam D’Angelo again? [1:18]

Don’t make your stupid app sound like some sort of exclusive club with an “inner circle” and talk about how lucky we were to be invited and shit. [1:27]

VELVET ROPE? NO. [1:33]

INNER CIRCLE? FUCK NO! [1:35]

INVITE FIVE “LEADERS”? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! [1:40]

Don’t say that there’s just a brief window for me to join! But please, god, if there is, let’s hope this abominable window closes soon because this startup sucks. [1:45]

Don’t pretend you have trade secrets. Trade secrets? [1:48]

Don’t refer to an “NDA” when you really mean, “Personal information-collecting form for use in our B.S. marketing.” Also, uh, who signs an NDA on YouTube? [1:58]

Or, just don’t partake in general douchebaggery — which pretty much describes this entire video.

Pyramid Scheme, anyone?

11 Comments
 
STIBORGood summary. Too many people are trying to make money in startups, most are incompetent, most ideas aren't new, and lots of people love the hand-constantly-drawing-a-cartoon-to-make-it-look-hip-and-sophisticated tactic. Yeah I want to puke.

I hate that cartooning tactic. So overused.

"For all the tribulations in our lives, for all the troubles that remain in the world, the decline of violence is an accomplishment we can savor, and an impetus to cherish the forces of civilization and enlightenment that made it possible."
 

When I see the cartoon thing, I think "Used Car Dealer Turned (quote)Entrepreneur(unquote)".

STIBORGood summary. Too many people are trying to make money in startups, most are incompetent, most ideas aren't new, and lots of people love the hand-constantly-drawing-a-cartoon-to-make-it-look-hip-and-sophisticated tactic. Yeah I want to puke.
 
packmatewait...so what does this app do again?

NDA! I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.

"For all the tribulations in our lives, for all the troubles that remain in the world, the decline of violence is an accomplishment we can savor, and an impetus to cherish the forces of civilization and enlightenment that made it possible."
 

That's the kicker, they tried to get everyone who watched the video to sign an NDA so they can "disclose" to you information all about their "viral app".

packmatewait...so what does this app do again?
 

What if that was the plan all along??! Nah they're not that smart.

TechBankingIt's bad, but I guarantee that they will now get media coverage once their app launches.

If there's no such thing as bad publicity, then they just hit a home run.

 

Hic facilis maiores cumque aut. Ut quia qui dolorum et.

Et sit et suscipit quasi voluptatem. Quia quas qui aperiam sit. Aliquam maxime recusandae sit provident sequi molestiae facilis id. Et fuga qui et quia deleniti distinctio aliquam reprehenderit.

Sit error ducimus quaerat optio consequatur eveniet. Rerum aut tempore fugiat reiciendis veritatis. Ut ipsa molestias aut. In qui sit eos tenetur aliquid. Voluptatem recusandae quasi possimus quisquam. Quisquam inventore ut dolorum fugiat officia odit nam.

Career Advancement Opportunities

November 2026 Investment Banking

  • Evercore 01 99.5%
  • Moelis & Company 01 99.0%
  • JPMorgan 01 98.4%
  • Guggenheim Partners 02 97.9%
  • Morgan Stanley 06 97.4%

Overall Employee Satisfaction

November 2026 Investment Banking

  • Moelis & Company No 99.5%
  • Morgan Stanley 02 99.0%
  • Evercore 01 98.4%
  • Banco Santander 02 97.9%
  • BMO Capital Markets 13 97.4%

Professional Growth Opportunities

November 2026 Investment Banking

  • Evercore 01 99.5%
  • Moelis & Company 01 99.0%
  • Morgan Stanley 05 98.4%
  • Goldman Sachs 01 97.9%
  • JPMorgan No 97.4%

Total Avg Compensation

November 2026 Investment Banking

  • Vice President (17) $409
  • Associates (57) $264
  • 3rd+ Year Analyst (8) $210
  • 2nd Year Analyst (29) $183
  • Intern/Summer Associate (16) $161
  • 1st Year Analyst (84) $151
  • Intern/Summer Analyst (77) $101
notes
16 IB Interviews Notes

“... there’s no excuse to not take advantage of the resources out there available to you. Best value for your $ are the...”

Leaderboard

success
From 10 rejections to 1 dream investment banking internship

“... I believe it was the single biggest reason why I ended up with an offer...”