Approach to Relationships & Dating
Just tossing some thoughts around - seems to me that as a guy, I've always had the impression that men are not as naturally monogamous as women, and that you'd find your life much more enjoyable if you're sleeping with a ton of attractive women (eg. Dan Bilzerian type lifestyle). I've definitely had my share of crazy stories and whatnot, but it seems to me that there might be greater long term, lasting happiness if you're in a steady relationship. I've been in a couple, and find that I look back more fondly on those times, though perhaps I became a little too complacent in those situations (eg. not lifting enough.) What are your thoughts on being monogamous vs fucking around a ton?
Seems to me that nearly every hot girl has the same mentality of having fun / sleeping around in their late teens and early 20s, and try to settle down by their late 20s when they know their looks are declining. Glad guys peak a little later because of the emphasis on our careers, but wanted to hear the community's thoughts on being monogamous vs. being in a serious relationship when it comes to long-term fulfillment / happiness, and how favorably you'd look back in your time.
Long term fullfillment? My wife and I are WFH due to the lockdown, and she is making me pancakes and steaks. What else do you need to be happy as a banker, man?
I think sex would probably be nice
Sex is overrated, pancakes are not, believe me...
Jesus It’s not that difficult
It’s been said 10000000 times on here but looks are a depreciating asset. Pick someone with a brain and a heart who you also find attractive enough (and prioritize face if you can). If you pick someone who is so hot that your brain melts but is also a fucking loser, you’re being an idiot. Life only gets more tedious and the stakes get higher as you grow old, so pick someone who stimulates your mind, not just your peepee
Don’t look to fucking Dan Balzerian or other one-off deadbeats for relationship cues. Look at respectable people that you and a whole lot of other people admire (Obama, Gates, Blankfein/Dimon/Dalio/even Ackman) and you’ll see that their spouses are/were respectable in their own rights. Imagine taking a hot retard to a business dinner where all the other wives are well-spoken and educated. If you’re the retard now, find yourself a genius you really become the company you keep
Imagine that you owned a company and were allowed only 1 employee upon whom you could rely for support, guidance, a thoughtful ear. Would you hire her?
Swear to god this place is filled with high schoolers
On the other side, you've got Russian/ex-Soviet oligarchs with wifes who are in early 20s and stupid AF. Depends on what is valued in your culture - looks or brain. You can get two of those qualities as well, but this is rather rare because we aren't all 10/10 here. My advise, get someone who can cook and make decent jokes - this will go a very long way, but never someone who's cooking is a joke... Did I mention earlier that I love pancakes?
Iono man, some of them looks don't get that accelerated depreciation and the salvage value is pretty solid
Bill Gates? Wanna try this again?
Depreciating asset my ass. Thank god I married a fitness trainer. Hopefully she reaches peak MILF powers at age 40
Had my fun when I was late teens early 20s, but have been trending towards settling down for a couple years now. Have realized that with my personality, it's easier to keep one woman happy than keeping a rolodex of hookups and having a stable relationship allows me to focus on things other than chasing down girls or hitting the bars.
Monagamy isn't natural. Animals aren't monogamous. I heard someone explain how it began in humans, and basically the kings were getting all the women and that was pissing off the other dudes so the church stepped in and started preaching monogamy to keep everyone happy.
Guys play the field until society, goals or their growing inability to get laid tells them that they can't play the field anymore. Which is totally fine. As they say to retiring MLB players, we all give up the kid's game at some point.
But then some of these guys, after hanging it up, start growing tits. Figuratively, if not literally. They start talking like feminists, telling you Dan Bilzerian is a pig, and you should be more "classy" and want a woman with brains because of XYZ excuse ("you have to bring her to dinner with your boss") or they say things like hooking up is too much work etc.
OP, its your life. Don't settle just to make some other dudes feel better.
Ah, the battle cry of dweebs who never got laid until their late 20s. Don’t worry about fitting in at business dinners if you fall into this camp — you wouldn’t be invited in the first place.
Just being honest with OP. Unlike you, with your angry rant earlier. Most guys are secure enough to admit they'd live like Dan Bilzerian if they could. But some can't admit they're settling for less so they say bullshit like "don't go after looks, its a depreciating asset" and other weak crap we've all heard before.
You really think some guy paying for women to be around him is the peak of life?
You're like the male version of those girls who worship influencers
Dude is getting laid because he's rich and likes to have a good time. If you want to call that "paying for women" that's your decision. Sounds like shade to me, but whatever makes you feel better.
But the most important question here is what do these men offer or bring to the table? This isn't the 1950s where women have to depend on a man anymore. Likewise, often times these men can't handle any rejection from women or otherwise they'll call them names. My biggest issue here is that the same men who are playing the field will judge women who do the same, hence the double standard here.
SourceScrub hire.
The concept that women are more monogamous then men is extremely flawed.
Humans are not monogamous.
Men’s mating selection depicts a polyamorous approach. ( Which plays under a man’s desire to have a variety of women.)
Women’s mating selection is hypergamous. ( Prioritizing a more wealthy or social status approach. )
Anything else in between - is merely social conditioning/societal programming, family background/culture, and personal development.
Your own explanation sounds like women are more monogamous
Less of my explanation, more of your misinterpretation.
Monogamy is “the state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner.”
Statistically, women cheat as much as men do.
https://www.yourtango.com/201172881/women-more-likely-cheat-men-heres-w…
https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/a30459155/why-women…
Women aren’t naturally wired to only have sex with one man, it’s the many social constructs in place (slut-shaming/damaged goods, bastard children, lack of men with resources) influencing women to proceed with more sexual precaution, than men.
In fact, if you break down pop-culture terms like “hoe phase” or “hoe is life” ... data will show women are merely punished for acting within their true sexual nature, as this behavior is still considered a taboo, in turn, instilling a phenomenal sense of shame.
Lastly, don’t be silly.
It’s poor to assume hypergamy, is synonymous to monogamy.
Women who practice hypergamous mating, date multiple suitors at one time, rather than exclusively committing. She could literally have sex with all of these suitors, then proceed to marrying the one with the most money/status.
Chad
I don't see why you would ever settle down as a man when your worth continues to improve as you age. Even looks don't decline significantly as male appearance isn't as closely tied to youth. If you can stay fit and keep your hair, NYC is a playground for rich 30-40 year olds.
Because you don't want to die alone
In what rule book is this statistically written?
The amount of times I’ve seen this adopted theory circulating this forum, amazes me.
Not only do middle aged men have the highest suicide rate, in America. Staying fit, keeping up your appearance, and being financially successful doesn’t negate the fact that you’ll be paying young women for experiences.
Ain’t nobody hooking up with old men for free, why is this part of the equation always left out?
So if they were hooking up with older guys then it would be worth it?
Secondly I said 30s/40s not 60s. A 35 year old director in banking who stays fit can easily pull early 20s chicks. We have a bunch of single directors who date around with girls in the 20-30 age range.
So the optimal move is single till 40 then marry 10+ years younger before you lose your edge
I'm guessing you believe this chart to be true. I am a happily married man and my "access" is technically at a 10 according to this chart, so you may ask how I'm happy or think I have no options. I used to think the way you do, never wanting to get married, playing the field, never settling down, etc.
the friends I have who have taken this path are nowhere near as happy as I am. they have as much sex as I do, have a higher body count, but have way more stress (having to line up dates all the time, dealing with girls who get too clingy, etc.). so yeah, if your choices are to sleep around or be in a bad marriage, yeah, be a player. but I'd suggest that you just haven't found the right person.
and if you think that we're naturally designed to be polyamorous, it's against our biology to be married, bullshit. our biology was designed to keep us in small communes in villages, not in big cities stacked like sardines editing pitchbooks nobody's going to read, so quit with the primal instinct bullshit.
be a player all you want, but don't say it's the best way to live, that's just incorrect.
wow I guess I never though about it this way?
Does this imply that if you want to be a dude slut that you shouldn't ever get married?
read my post again, in no way am I implying agreement with the sentiment that chart champions, quite the opposite in fact
the way I live works for me, being a player works for my friends, everybody's different, I've just failed to meet someone who's a player and shares my level of happiness in their love life
Source on this chart? I really don't think 44 year old guys have maximum female access. I know plenty of guys who hook up with girls in the "slut zone" in high school and college and I have yet to see a middle aged man do this.
Just google one of the phrases in it, it's all over, a buddy of mine sent it to me. As I said before, I think it's bullshit but several friends of mine conduct their lives this way
People can have their fun, but it can ultimately damage their long term goals. Sure there is a given amount of men and women who choose not to form families, but an overwhelming majority of people imagine this for themselves at some point in their lives. Yet modern dating norms and expectations do everything to stand in the way of this. If you spent a decade of your professional life puttering around with no commitment or grind, why would you expect a good result in the end?
For some reason in every other facet of life, people say you need to be dedicated, consistent, goal-oriented to achieve what you want. For over half-a century our society has blown that out of the water when it comes to relationships and monogamy. The expectation is that you sleep around and/or date for at least a decade if not a decade and a half to "have fun" or just "enjoy your 20's" and of course " finding your soulmate." And sure, perhaps your life would be a train wreck if you married the first person you dated and you just needed some time to grow and "find yourself" but people rarely consider the following.
Firstly, that by serially dating and of course having multiple break ups that you are accumulating emotional baggage, you can dismiss this, but anyone knows that building a life with someone, and then having to break it off takes its toll. I am not saying you will never recover, but these are not experiences that can simply be dismissed. Second, with serial dating, you and your partners are internalizing breaking up as a method of conflict resolution. If you spend a decade of relationships which ultimately end in that way, why would a marriage suddenly be different? Sure marriage is a covenant/promise, but society hardly reinforces that and you have spent your early adulthood training a flight response when issues arise. Third I would also say that serial dating and sleeping around has an allure of variety and freedom, but we forget how much time and energy it really takes. Once you have someone and they have you, you are squared away and can build each other and back one another's goals or build something together. You can enjoy the chase, but you can also ask if your time is better spent elsewhere.
So... My advice to people ( who are not explicit about wanting to ape Dan Bilzerian or the female equivalent) is always, date with the future in mind, discern what your goals are, what your values are. You can have your fun if you wish, but don't let the feeling of the moment lead you down a path with a dead end, especially if the other person is not on the same page. It is important to meet lots of people, and do that as you will, dating apps, social gatherings, etc but if it goes beyond dates, be intentional and be serious.
Great advice, The stats definitely support that "having fun" can really have some bad long term effects.
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