Critique my answer for: "Tell me about yourself" question (Investment Banking)

Hey guys, I am applying for boutique/middle market IBs at the moment. I was wondering if you could give me feed back on my "Tell me about yourself" answer. This is still in the works, but out of a scale of 10, what are your thoughts. (If I recited this, it would probably be around 1.5-2 mins.)

I am currently a sophomore at XYZ Uni. majoring in finance, minoring in mathematics. I am a first generation student that comes from a hardworking blue collar background that has created a living through working at a restaurant and managing real estate, and learned the importance of hard work and focus from working under my father at a young age. After going through many financial hurdles throughout my life, I immediately began working at 14 years old in order to support my family, and worked hard in school despite the lack of an educational environment. I never really was interested in anything besides basketball until my best friend introduced to me about the stock market. I was perplexed, yet fascinated by the concept of owning a piece of a public company, and deciphering candlesticks, technical and fundamental analysis. Within a span of several months, I saved up $2000 and began trading penny stocks where I learned invaluable lessons about being a disciplined, strong-gutted trader. By my senior year, I co-founded my high school's first stock market club, where I taught our 100+ members the basics of fundamental and technical analysis, (this is one of the largest and elite high schools in America) and prepared them for stock market competitions. My love for the finance had grown with every financial-related experiences such as learning about the hedge-fund business as an intern, and also working as a summer analyst at a real estate acquisitions company which gave me a different perspective of the broad financial industry.

I want to join investment banking because it is a multi-dimensional and fast-paced field which require strong analytical, problem-solving, and communication abilities. I want to be surrounded by the most ambitious and intellectually-sharp people so that I can maximize my potential and help create value for the company.
(Last Paragraph is so basic tbh, how can I improve this last paragraph?)

Other things about me that I could Incorporate: I have a strong passion for music (performed in talent shows, etc.), played CYO/AAU Basketball, was a City-Champion Wrestler (But quit after a year due to severe leg problems.)

*I don't care for grammar, I care about the concepts/meanings