Future Wife

This post is not intended to women-bash but to gauge where you guys start to feel uncomfortable with a girl's past? I've read mixed viewpoints on WSO. I assume most of you want to get married one day, what are your standards for your future wife? I've seen some of you say that you don't care how many guys she's been with so long as she's cool and hot. That just doesn't sit well with me, but maybe I'm being too judgemental.

Comments (96)

Mar 22, 2020

Not hung up on the exact number as long as she was in a relationship and not just hooking up randomly on the weekend all the time.

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Mar 22, 2020

I agree completely

Most Helpful
Mar 22, 2020

For me, it's more of a function of what type of girl she is. If she's the type who doesn't know how many guys because she drinks a lot and wakes up in random hotel rooms, that's a big red flag. If she's had relationships in the past then not really a big deal so long as she's not hung up on any of them. It really boils down to the reasoning for me. The whole reason for this thought process is my understanding that people don't generally change. I'm not saying they never do, but the odds are they don't.

I've also never met anyone on Tinder or similar, I met my fiancee right before that became popular.

"The three most harmful addictions are heroin, carbohydrates, and a monthly salary." - Nassim Taleb

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Mar 22, 2020

I'd rather marry someone who a lot of guys want to be with, than marry someone who's not that desirable. And those who live in glass houses should not throw stones, so given my own situation I shouldn't judge...

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/42/31/eb/4231eb8dd3fb80f4beafe7f81b533218.jpg

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Mar 22, 2020

Does the car come with the girl?

No pain no game.

Mar 22, 2020

No, the girls usually come after the car.

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Mar 22, 2020

@CRE"

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My Linkedin

Mar 22, 2020

Hah, I'm not sure how to take this tag, @AndyLouis"

OP - Like everything involving human beings, the answer to this is both personal to each individual asking themselves this question about their person of interest as well as far more nuanced than a simple number.

Even your example of "not just hooking up randomly on the weekend all the time" is too simplified. Was she hooking up with everyone who paid her even a bit of attention or because of some deep need for attention, i.e. the sex is a symptom of a larger issue? Or was she hot, horny, and in control of the situation and had a handful of guys who she knew would do anything she asked?

It's easier preached than practiced, and I gotta admit I got lucky with mine, but especially as you get on in age, things like that don't matter as much. Who she is as a person now is far more important than who she fooled around with in the past, and what her reputation is among people she's friends with and interacts with, assuming all medical records are clear.

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Mar 22, 2020

No hope of being as insightful as @CRE" or @Malta Monkey" but here's my 2cents...

I've found that most of my concern about past (and current...) SO's "number" really lies in my own insecurities: constantly thinking about judgment about our sex life, judgment from others who know and her past, trying to find things wrong with them because I was unhappy with myself or other things, etc.

It's MUCH easier said then done, but I'm working on looking past the surface traits (attraction, "number", money, prestige) that to the deeper things that really matter in a relationship, like: if you want kids, could you see her being their mom? Do you see eye to eye on sex/religion/education/family/money/values/etc. That's the stuff that I feel really ends marriages, not whether she banged 3 guys on her freshman spring break in Cabo.

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Funniest
Mar 22, 2020
Luke Brown:

you don't care how many guys she's been with so long as she's cool and hot. That just doesn't sit well with me,

https://i.redd.it/z9d5g1eet8641.jpg

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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Mar 22, 2020

this made my day hahaha SB for you good sir

Finance Data Science

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Mar 23, 2020

@Isaiah_53_5" again with the quality banter lmao

Vincet Voluntas - Will shall win

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Mar 23, 2020

I don't get it, someone explain? lol

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Mar 23, 2020

WHAT??? Any man who experienced puberty should be able to understand...

Finance Data Science

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Mar 22, 2020

OP - how many girls have you had sex with?

i'm betting the number is less than 10

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Mar 23, 2020

Really mature Mr. "I get laid every single day in New Yawk dude trust me"

Vincet Voluntas - Will shall win

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  • Senior Consultant in Consulting
Mar 22, 2020

I'm totally going to get MS'ed for this, and I am not trying to make a blanket statement. Sources also included.

To those of you downplaying the factor of # of previous partners:

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Mar 23, 2020

Exactly, that's what many people don't like to think about. "Oh, but she's soooo experienced now, good for me lol" - really? You don't think promiscuity leaves marks, physically and emotionally? You don't think that maybe letting your Id run free is not the best behaviour for a future life partner (who also should kinda be your No. 1 confidant)?
For me, the answer is quite clear: Did she jump from partner to partner, to fill an internal void or whatever, did she have "boyfriends" in a short span? That's a strike. Does she get anxiety living alone and being with her own thoughts? That's a strike. Life's a bitch, and we need other people to live, but you should at least not suffer not having your genitals stimulated by other people habitually.

Vincet Voluntas - Will shall win

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Mar 23, 2020

Not gonna MS, the stats were interesting, but I don't necessarily think the statistics give a precise representation of reality. The people on the low end of the scale, the ones that have 0 or 1 partner, are more likely than the other to experience stigma and/or social repercussions if they get divorced. Deeply religious people tend to look at this much harsher than non-believers. I also don't think that having only one marriage = eternal happiness. A lot of people would be better off getting a divorce and finding someone else. Given how much we and our interests change over time it would be strange if everybody found someone that grew in the same exact direction.

Disclaimer: I obviously have my own social and cultural biases and I guess Scandinavians in general are very liberal on sexuality. Most of my friends, even the girls have 10+, 20+ or even 30+ partners.

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Mar 23, 2020

Your ancestors literally, not figuratively, literally practiced cuckoldry as accepted form of raising children. I'd watch my mouth if I were you.

Vincet Voluntas - Will shall win

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Mar 24, 2020

The stats are "interesting" only in the sense that they were contrived by Christian right-wing organizations to fit a narrative.

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Mar 23, 2020

Great stats, but also important to note that it includes men as well. That's why I think OP should hold himself to the same standards as he does his future wife.

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  • Senior Consultant in Consulting
Mar 23, 2020

While yes, sleeping with women like you are the next Genghis Khan is going to deprave you morally, the relationship is not as 1:1 as you might think as it is for women. (probably gonna get MS'ed for stating that)

Regardless, if someone's pair-bonding ability has been completed ruined, you shouldn't devote years of effort and money into making things work and instead should find someone who is of higher value and compatibility.

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Mar 23, 2020

Crazy that you're a senior consultant and you don't know the difference between causation and correlation

  • Senior Consultant in Consulting
Mar 23, 2020

Makes sense that you are an intern and lack reading comprehension :)

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Mar 24, 2020

The data you're citing is primarily from the National Marriage Project, a study funded by extremely right-wing Christian organizations conducted with extremely questionable methodologies.

https://familyinequality.wordpress.com/2014/08/27/...
It's pretty clear that the researchers went out of their way to fit a narrative when conducting this "study".

Maybe you didn't know this, in which you should really check your sources before believing everything you read. Or maybe you did know this and are pushing an agenda of your own, in which case, stop. This stuff perpetuates misogyny.

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Mar 22, 2020

When did wso become Reddit? Another garbage post.

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Mar 23, 2020

I think you're mixing something up here: R#ddit would be either white-knighting for girls here, or overflowing with resentment for not getting that precious, precious bussi.
I see neither.

Vincet Voluntas - Will shall win

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Mar 23, 2020

Similarity: both filled with insecure misogynists who want to marry virgins.

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Mar 23, 2020

That's the Catch-22. If she has low enough standards to be involved with me, she been gettin around

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Mar 23, 2020

Mar 23, 2020

I'm a prideful, loyal individual and I expect the same from my partner. I've never been interested in the cliche hot girl who chases clout and status because it's fickle. I've also never been interested in someone my friends have already dated because that introduces far too many insatiable dynamics. I've always gone for the reserved girl with high standards; The girl who is more than content being a spectator in the dramatics / theatrics that is superficial mainstream American dating. To answer the question directly, I would prefer my partner to be sexually / emotionally conservative. That said, it i really more about the depth of the shared connection and how much trust there is than sheer numbers of sexual partners.

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  • Analyst 1 in HF - Event
Mar 23, 2020

Well that's one way to say you don't want a slut

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Mar 23, 2020

It only matters if it matters to you. If you find a girl that is a great catch but she has that baggage and it matters to you. Don't waste your time, it won't work. Else, enjoy your time at bat.

Mar 23, 2020

Dating in NYC may be different than the rest of the world...but you must be prepared to fuck on the 1st date, every date, and if you like the person, to be enthusiastic. That's just the way it is. If you like the person, if the chemistry is there, if the logistics make sense...then if you don't have sex, the other person will most often think you were not interested, and then move on to the next 10 people in their match list.
when i was single, i had 1st dates lined up for 4-5 nights a week...and would have sex with at least 50% of them (more like 80%). If i really liked a girl (and we had sex) i would message her the next day that i had a blast and we should do that again soon. if i didn't get an enthusiastic reply, i just assume she was not interested, mentally nexted the girl, and so i'd go out with the next girl in my match list, probably have sex with her, and forget about the last girl.

everybody in NYC understands this is the dynamic at play...and so its easy to sleep with 100 people in 1 year...and i was doing this for about 4 years.

you do the math

eventually, just with the law of large numbers, you meet somebody who is perfect for you

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Mar 23, 2020

Sounds like dystopia. NYC is gross.

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Mar 23, 2020

.

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Mar 23, 2020

Disgusting.

Vincet Voluntas - Will shall win

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Mar 23, 2020

New Yorkers might actually take this post as a compliment.

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  • Analyst 1 in IB-M&A
Mar 23, 2020

Well, the guys at least

Mar 23, 2020
ironnchef:

Dating in NYC may be different than the rest of the world...but you must be prepared to fuck on the 1st date, every date, and if you like the person, to be enthusiastic. That's just the way it is. If you like the person, if the chemistry is there, if the logistics make sense...then if you don't have sex, the other person will most often think you were not interested, and then move on to the next 10 people in their match list.
when i was single, i had 1st dates lined up for 4-5 nights a week...and would have sex with at least 50% of them (more like 80%). If i really liked a girl (and we had sex) i would message her the next day that i had a blast and we should do that again soon. if i didn't get an enthusiastic reply, i just assume she was not interested, mentally nexted the girl, and so i'd go out with the next girl in my match list, probably have sex with her, and forget about the last girl.

everybody in NYC understands this is the dynamic at play...and so its easy to sleep with 100 people in 1 year...and i was doing this for about 4 years.

you do the math

eventually, just with the law of large numbers, you meet somebody who is perfect for you

Never Happened.

Array

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Mar 23, 2020

I can usually tell if I like a girl (and vice versa) way before banging.

If you need to fuck to figure it out, you're doing it wrong LMAO.

  • Intern in IB-M&A
Mar 23, 2020

Were they hot though?

Mar 23, 2020

So how many women have you had sex with? If you continued at this pace for a just a few years it would be several hundred. And of course if you went at this for a decade you would hit #1000. Yeah, I'm definitely not good looking enough to bang 2 different girls every week continuously. I could probably go on two different dates per week but I doubt they would agree to bang on the first date. Considering that most dates are usually on a Friday or Saturday you would simply not have enough time unless you went on two dates on both Saturday and Friday with a total of four different girls to account for nothing happening until at least the second date. Of course if you only schedule two per day you leave no room for margin of error if something goes wrong. Point I'm trying to make is that it's actually extremely difficult to do what he's saying. You would essentially have to be good looking enough to just order girls like pizza. Basically the top 1% or higher

Controversial
Mar 23, 2020

A Woman's Perspective:
As a woman I think it could be a red flag (my personal view only) if a guy expects any independent woman not to live her life as she see's fit, or "sleep" with whomever she feels comfortable with based on the idea that she may someday in the future meet someone who will pass unsolicited judgment.

There is more to a woman than "how many people she slept with." Have you tried learning about her interests, passions, perspectives, outlook on life and a variety of other subjects? (HINT: you will be more likeable and have a much better chance).

Array

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Mar 23, 2020

My current girlfriend was a virgin when I met her. Easily the healthiest and most loving relationship I've been in to date compared to the girls of my past who slept around. Men care about a girl's sexual history whether they admit it to you or not. Don't delude yourself with the women's empowerment narrative.

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Mar 23, 2020

Peharps it is you who need not delude yourself on women dis-empowerment. No woman (or man) exists to satisfy anyone's "virgin-only" criteria. Such expectation is the text-book definition of being insecure.

Array

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Mar 23, 2020

Were you a virgin as well? You think she might be on the lookout for someone who is, as that person, according to your logic, can give her an (even more!) loving and healthy relationship than the current one?

Provided that we are not talking about cases where an unusual sexual history would indeed warrant one to question what was going on, why exactly do you yourself care about their history? Do you understand how can signal insecurity?

On the flip side of your view, would you not want someone that is in a relationship with you because they really know themselves (or know themselves better), and therefore know what they want, rather than someone who is just inexperienced in that part of life?

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Mar 23, 2020
InvestmentGoddess:

<

p>A Woman's Perspective:

No one's judging men on how many people they've slept with - on the contrary, men are glorified for it. The double standard is intellectually mute and flawed. Grow some damn balls man, no quality woman wants to be a virgin for you.

Completely disagree. There is a double standard in that you are right men are glorified for sleeping with a number of women...but that standard can't be applied to women because our availability of mating is quite different, from a modern and anthropological view.

It's hard to get a woman to sleep with you. It requires mastery over just one dominance hierarchy, handsome, funny, powerful, penis, height, intelligence. The men who do better with women usually dominate at least 3 of the 6. You can also look at the data and see that 80% of the women are sleeping with 20% of the men. This makes it a lot less statistically likely for an average man to sleep with a lot of women.

Men do it because it hard, women sleep with guys because it is easy, supply demand. There is an intellectual middle ground that maybe you shouldn't sleep with every woman available to you, and as a guy in his mid 30s, you kinda lose respect for the friends that drag their feet, or are still single playing the game. It's why I find vanderpump rules particularly disgusting.

Mar 23, 2020

If 20% of guys got all the action, there wouldn't be 7.7 billion people on Earth.

  • Senior Consultant in Consulting
Mar 23, 2020

From an evolutionary standpoint men care about a women's sexual history as it is an indicator of mate selection (after all, women are the keepers of sex).

There is a reason so many species kill the female's offspring of previous mates when they get their own chance to mate.

Oh and all those species don't live in an environment where the female can take half their assets and their own children from them at 50%+ rate.

Feel free to MS me :)

Mar 23, 2020

It all boils down to two things for me in relation to a partner's past.

1) Do I trust her completely?

2) Would I be proud to introduce her to my friends and family?

If the answer to both is yes, I really don't care about anything else. IMO, it would be foolish to end an otherwise great relationship with someone because of the number of partners they have had...especially if they are open and honest about the past. Candor with a partner demonstrates emotional maturity and integrity...both of which I would argue are more important considerations.

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Mar 23, 2020

Good luck with that bro!

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Mar 23, 2020

From an evolutionary biology standpoint...its true that male and female are judged differently.

Women of almost ANY level of attractiveness can walk into a crowded bar, and find multiple men to have sex with, immediately...with little to no effort. Now, these women who just go for sex might not "desire" to have sex with all these men, but they are able if they do desire.

Men, on the other hand, do not have such a luxury. For a variety of reasons (social stigma, no being attracted to them, etc..). women tend to not have sex with all the men who are interested. For the typical single male who walks into a bar on a friday or saturday night....he will be unable to find a girl who is interested/willing to have sex with him. Women have no such problem. How often does a women in a bar have to turn down a guy who wants to have sex with her? No, how often does a guy have to turn down a girl who wants to have sex with him? A few men have figured out how to display their most attractive self...and how to find the women who are more willing/interested/available...and so they don't have a problem finding a different girl to have sex with every night...but they are the minority...by far.

The majority of men will have sex with a majority of women who express an interest.

Why such a disparity?
Obviously, the numbers are skewed far apart...statistically, women are the gateholders of sex.
Why? for a variety of reasons...some are biological. A women can only be pregnant once in 9-12 months....and the result is a child for life. a man can impregnate multiple women every night...possible having over 1000 children a year, and have zero responsibility for any of them..that's on the mother. (while it was logistically difficult to arrange, i've had sex with 3 women in a single day...fun times).

This has noting to do with morals...just biology.
Morals are often semi-logical expressions of very strong emotional forces in our brains....which are the result of millions of years of evolution...and most people are incapable of distinguishing the difference.

This is why men are glorified for sleeping with many women...because most men are incapable. For 100 single men, reasonably attractive, who goto a bar on a saturday night, horny and looking to have sex with an attractive women...95 of them will go home alone, deflated. 95%, regardless of how low their standards may be, will be unable to find a exual partner.

For 100 reasonably attractive women who goto a bar on a saturday night, horny and looking to find a guy to have sex with, 100 will be able to find a guy to have sex with. Some will get the guy they want...others will have to settle for less than they desire...but they will ALL be able to have sex that night.

So, of course, men will glorify other men who are able to get what they want...because most are unable. Women generally have no idea what this feels like. In its place however, women feel frustration when they are unable to find a man that meets all their criteria. When it comes to fullfilling that horny sexual need, men and women operate on an entirely different playing field

Why such a difference...why do women have higher standards than men?

After getting into a relationship, things equal out to some degree....but when single and looking...sexual things are far from equal.

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Mar 23, 2020

There are hot women out there that haven't had sex with a bunch of people, and I can tell you from experience, they make incredible long term partners. It's ok to be proud to have a woman that hasn't slept around. And it's ok to praise her for respecting herself throughout the years.

Just like you didn't get tattoos, or get piercings, etc. You should be rewarded for having self control, and it is ok to expect a spouse to have the same standards.

Don't be fooled. Don't settle.

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  • Intern in IB-M&A
Mar 23, 2020

King shit only

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Mar 23, 2020

Infathomably based

Vincet Voluntas - Will shall win

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  • Developer in RE - Res
Mar 23, 2020

Prior to the development of paternity testing in the 20th century, there was no way for a man to know for sure whether the child he invested huge effort in raising and supporting, for many years, was actually his. So it doesn't take a genius to figure out why female promiscuity (in women they commit to) is unattractive to men. The aversion is deeply imprinted at a subconscious level.

Women have never had the problem of determining maternity, since they're pregnant with the kid for nine months. That difference goes a long way towards explaining the slut/stud double standard.

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Mar 23, 2020

Just wanna say that I am dumbfounded by the amount of guys that care deeply about this. How much of a fkin beta do you have to be to become insecure in a relationship because the girl has had sex before and she might compare you to them? Truth be told - she 100% is comparing you to the rest. Just like your boss is comparing you to his former analyst that freakin killed it. Or how your mum wonders why you can't be more like your more successful sibling.

Also, major shoutout to all you IG models, sugar babies and party girls out there - QuiltEmerson will always be there for you, no matter how many partners you have had! Slide into the DMs for Ushuaia this summer.

models

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Mar 23, 2020

Harvard vs Arizona State. Goldman vs Lehman. Ferrari vs Ford. Class vs trash.

See a pattern?

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Mar 23, 2020

i've had sex with a girl from each of those schools and firms..ahh...memories

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  • Intern in AM - Equities
Mar 23, 2020

hey man, at the end of the day i just want a badass girl with similar career and family goals as me. We'll see what happenes

cheers

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Mar 23, 2020

You guys are fucking weird.

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Mar 23, 2020

[deleted]

"What intelligent things you say sometimes! One would think you had studied." -Don Quixote

Mar 24, 2020

Buddy if you need her soul to be as clean as prom night I'm reporting you to the feds. The headlines will read "OP didn't kill himself."

Mar 24, 2020

I would rather invest to a brand new car than to a used one.. i dont like headache.

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Mar 24, 2020

Monk mode (MGTOW)

Mar 24, 2020

I think a good rule of thumb is you only get to be judgmental if the number of partners your significant other has been with is 50% greater than your own.

Guarantee you half the guys on here have either slept with tons of women, or are lying about sleeping with tons of women, while simultaneously calling it a deal-breaker that their potential partner has explored their own sexuality.

Mar 24, 2020

Your rule of thumb is the mathematical definition of jealousy.

Mar 24, 2020
Comment
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  • Intern in S&T - Other
Mar 24, 2020