Obnoxious Email Signatures

"Sent from my mobile device, please ignore typos"

"Insert random inspirational/spiritual quote"

"Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail"

"Disclaimer: ....... " and proceeds to add 5 lines of useless words that hold no legal weight whatsoever.

 
ColdCaller:
"Sent from my mobile device, please ignore typos"

"Insert random inspirational/spiritual quote"

"Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail"

"Disclaimer: ....... " and proceeds to add a 5 lines of useless words that hold no legal weight whatsoever.

FYI, that disclaimer is automatically added to any outbound emails at many firms as is the environmental notice.

 

Anything from a poly-sci major. It's always something along the lines of their entire resume since birth:

"Brandon L Whippersnickles President - College Liberals for Bernie Senior Advisor and Mentor - English 101 Poly-sci Major, English, Poetry and Social Injustice Minors with Honors Member - Young Democrats Volunteer - XXX Candidate's campaign Witness - The injustices towards native people's of Australia Academics Chair - Lamba Lambda Lambda Member - Junior Varist Quiddich Team Class of 2037

Please think of the whales before you print this email"

 

I started laughing hysterically when I saw this but then I remembered that you're absolutely correct and my mood swung to sadness and despair for humanity's future...

"I'm talking about liquid. Rich enough to have your own jet. Rich enough not to waste time. Fifty, a hundred million dollars, buddy. A player. Or nothing. " -GG
 
Funniest

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little str8 bOi? I'll have you know I was bottom for the hung college cocks of my entire graduation class and I’m a trained LGBTI Ally supporting diversity in sexuality, sex and gender, and I have over 300 confirmed Craigslist creampies. I am trained in CBT & sounding and I'm the top fisting sub in the entire Greenwich Village. You are nothing to me but just another breeder. I will suck you the fuck off with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the internet? Think again, breeder. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of alpha tops across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better PrEPare for the storm of faggot. The storm that rips up the pathetic little thing you call your boipussy. You're fucking split, kid. I can fuck anywhere, anytime and can stimulate your prostate in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in setting up Grindr parties, but I have access to the entire chem arsenal of Vauxhall & Oval and I will use it to its full extent to fuck your miserable cock off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could've known what homoerotic sextribution your little "homophobic" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would've held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn breeder. I will shit your own cum all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking bisexual, kiddo.

-
 
I'm actually a squirrel:
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little str8 bOi? I'll have you know I was bottom for the hung college cocks of my entire graduation class and I’m a trained LGBTI Ally supporting diversity in sexuality, sex and gender, and I have over 300 confirmed Craigslist creampies. I am trained in CBT & sounding and I'm the top fisting sub in the entire Greenwich Village. You are nothing to me but just another breeder. I will suck you the fuck off with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the internet? Think again, breeder. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of alpha tops across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better PrEPare for the storm of faggot. The storm that rips up the pathetic little thing you call your boipussy. You're fucking split, kid. I can fuck anywhere, anytime and can stimulate your prostate in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in setting up Grindr parties, but I have access to the entire chem arsenal of Vauxhall & Oval and I will use it to its full extent to fuck your miserable cock off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could've known what homoerotic sextribution your little "homophobic" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would've held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn breeder. I will shit your own cum all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking bisexual, kiddo.

After googling many terms, you seem very well versed in the intricacies of gay erotica and sadomasochism. (Thank god I used an incognito window, otherwise my AdSense results would be irrevocably scarred) I presume this is from personal experience? :-D

The only difference between Asset Management and Investment Research is assets. I generally see somebody I know on TV on Bloomberg/CNBC etc. once or twice a week. This sounds cool, until I remind myself that I see somebody I know on ESPN five days a week.
 

My Dad is an engineer, and in Engineering Management it's actually a pretty significant certification that can set you a apart. I think there's three levels (yellow, green, and black) and in order to become a black belt you have to work on a project with a black belt with documentation stating what you did and how you used the principles, etc. Or something to that effect.

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there" - Will Rogers
 

For some reason every employee at my company adds their education/certifications after their name in the email signature. And I'm not just talking about analysts or VP's - freaking Senior MD's and group heads too. Some people have three or four abbreviations listed after their name in the email signature. It's BIZZARE.

Move along, nothing to see here.
 
Most Helpful
Bateman Begins:
For some reason every employee at my company adds their education/certifications after their name in the email signature. And I'm not just talking about analysts or VP's - freaking Senior MD's and group heads too. Some people have three or four abbreviations listed after their name in the email signature. It's BIZZARE.

I'm OK with major ones like the CFA Charter in signatures. I also appreciate people who put "MBA" in their signature, especially if it's from a third rate school, because then I know ahead of time that I'm dealing with a self-important d***wad.

The most amazingly obnoxious signature I ever saw was the internal wholesaler who spent an afternoon getting the CETF, which is a joke of a certification that requires a 50 question online test with infinite re-takes, then put it in his email signature.

The only difference between Asset Management and Investment Research is assets. I generally see somebody I know on TV on Bloomberg/CNBC etc. once or twice a week. This sounds cool, until I remind myself that I see somebody I know on ESPN five days a week.
 

A disclaimer that is lengthy enough to be an email in of itself. Along with a picture of the broker posing at a steakhouse.

"This email together with any attachments is confidential, intended for only the recipient(s) named above and may contain information that is privileged, attorney work product or exempt from disclosure under applicable law. If you have received this email in error, or are not the named recipient(s), you are hereby notified that any use, dissemination, distribution or copying of this email or any attachments is strictly prohibited. Please immediately notify us and delete this email and any attachments from your computer. You should not retain, copy or use this email or any attachments for any purpose, or disclose all or any part of the contents to any person."

 

I sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of soaring over the oilfields dropping hot sticky loads on disgusting foreigners. People say to me that a person being a helicopter is Impossible and I'm fucking retarded but I don't care, I'm beautiful. I'm having a plastic surgeon install rotary blades, 30 mm cannons and AMG-114 Hellfire missiles on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me "Apache" and respect my right to kill from above and kill needlessly. If you can't accept me you're a heliphobe and need to check your vehicle privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.

-
 
I'm actually a squirrel:
I sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of soaring over the oilfields dropping hot sticky loads on disgusting foreigners. People say to me that a person being a helicopter is Impossible and I'm fucking retarded but I don't care, I'm beautiful. I'm having a plastic surgeon install rotary blades, 30 mm cannons and AMG-114 Hellfire missiles on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me "Apache" and respect my right to kill from above and kill needlessly. If you can't accept me you're a heliphobe and need to check your vehicle privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.

No shit. So you're not a squirrel?

 

A friend of mine (intern) had the name/Logo of his bank so large in his sig it could have been an entire email itself.

Literally this thing was the equivalent of 15 - 20 lines of text. It was literally the most autistic thing I've ever seen in banking outside of this website.

 

Couldn't find it in my inbox but some consultant had the following in his signature:

John Smith

O: 123-123-1234

C: 123-123-1234

Summer Workdays: Tues / Wed / Thurs

JM28
 
jm28:
Couldn't find it in my inbox but some consultant had the following in his signature:

John Smith

O: 123-123-1234

C: 123-123-1234

Summer Workdays: Tues / Wed / Thurs

That's a pretty BSD

If the glove don't fit, you must acquit!
 

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Quia deleniti quae ab consequuntur voluptas aut. Eveniet amet animi ea vitae quas voluptas. Nihil distinctio in accusantium autem voluptatibus animi velit magni. Dolorem voluptatum quae ex culpa.

 

Soluta est distinctio est vel ea. Sunt doloremque quis laborum omnis. Et aut aut ad eos exercitationem distinctio temporibus eum. Culpa at voluptates recusandae soluta asperiores ipsum dignissimos dolorem. Aut dolor culpa iusto fugit fugiat quia saepe. Veniam consequatur architecto officia atque sint modi modi.

Dolor aspernatur et sunt ducimus hic ipsum. Maxime soluta ad quis voluptatem id unde.

Dolor enim vel ut sit officia autem amet. Aut sed ex provident ipsum.

If the glove don't fit, you must acquit!

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