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This isnt new, and the women wont appreciate it, but it made me chuckle.
A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be held against you.
The drunk replies, "Boobs."
heres a good one for bonus time...
Q: What's the difference between you and your bonus? A: Your wife will ALWAYS blow your bonus.
a consultant can tell you a 100 different ways how to have sex but can't find a woman
John Paul Getty:If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
You've been in Corporate Life too long when...
At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities." You calculate your own personal cost of capital. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing", and "firing people's asses." You actually believe this explanation You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late You can spell "paradigm." You actually know what a paradigm is. You can use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization." You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line". You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt." You give constructive feedback to your cat. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey. You refer to dating as test marketing. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk costs." You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO." You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don't know. You understand your airline's fare structure. You open Powerpoint to note your secretary's private phone number You write executive summaries on your love letters. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell." Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, b!?@!" Your garbage can IS your "in" box. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday. You don't set your alarm anymore cause you know the pager will go off before the alarm does. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail.
THis one comes from my finance professor:
A guy walks in a bar, and asks for a beer. Then he pulls out a 10 inch little guy out of his coat pocket and gives him some beer. Then he pulls out a tiny little piano and a tiny stool and the tiny guy starts playing. Another guy at the bar can't believe his eyes. He asks the other guy where did he find such a tiny guy. The guy at the bar tells him he has this magic lamp that gives you one wish. The guy is really excited and asks if he can use it. He rubs it and asks for a million pounds. He gets a million pounds of bananas. He is like WTF mate, I asked for a million pounds! The other guy tells him: do you really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month.
when a high school bimbo was asked to do an essay, she went to f%#k a latino dude.
I thought I'd share this one with you guys, saw it on a K@W video:
When talking to someone about AIG they said to me, "The problem with AIG is when you look at their balance sheet, on the left side of the balance sheet nothing is right, and on the right side of the balance sheet nothing is left."
-Richard Ward, CEO of Llyod's of London
Seems like those British bankers have a sense of humor.
A guy goes into a bar, and with him come a cat and a stork. He orders a bear, the stork orders a beer, and the cat orders half a beer. This happens a few more times, when the bartender asks what the hell is wil the cat. The man answers, "I found a magic lamp and the genii offered to grant me one wish, so I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
Funny Stuff - Lawyer Jokes (Originally Posted: 05/12/2010)
Funny Stuff...
These are from a book called ' Disorder in the American Courts ' , and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: ; Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS : Are you ****tin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at t he time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Saw these a few years back, great stuff!
Great stuff
HAHA...Is it just me or do some of these sound like they came from the same witness?
I agree, I think a bunch of them are by the same witty doctor.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
hahahaha this is hilarious..
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Practical Jokes (Originally Posted: 04/13/2008)
During the first week of my internship this past winter I was in charge of ordering dinner. I didn't know any of the popular restaurants so the analysts would usually tell me where to order from. So they give me the name of a restaurant and a bunch of the analysts start giggling,so I google it and find out its a strip club. I'm like good one guys, but for real, where should i order from. So one of the analysts prints out a menu and gives it to me. I email out to the dinner list (analysts, associates, vps), and as soon as i send it all the analysts start laughing. Turns out, downloaded a menu in word, and typed the name of a different strip club on top. I thought since he had a menu it was legit. I get a few emails giving me shit about it, but one of the vps says "you are just an intern, dont joke around." I kind of freak out because its my first week and i dont really know anyone. He was just kidding, but they got me.
Anyone else have any good office pranks they want to share?
We once slipped an acid tab into this associate's hamburger. He started freaking out and getting all paranoid, but the hilarious part was when we told him spiders were crawling behind his eyeballs until he clawed one of his eyes out. Good times.
There was the summer intern we really didn't like. We started off by simple pranks, you know.. just had him place the food order and would give him the name of strip clubs to order from instead of real dining establishments. But he figured it out by googling the names. We then upgrade to just renaming a menu in word to the name of a strip club. That was a pretty good one too. But later in the summer we got him with a zinger that he probably still doesn't know about. He was all excited about his girlfriend coming to visit for the weekend towards the end of the summer. So as the weekend rolled around, we slammed him with work, and a few of the first-year analysts took her out all night and got drunk with her. We all slept with her and she even got pregnant. Well she told the guy that it was HIS baby!! Oh man.. that was great prank.
HAHAHAH. Oh man, I spit coffee out of my nose all over my keyboard. I have a feeling no one else will think its that funny...
good one.
I laughed.
I like it.
.
that is hilarious...some how I saw that one coming, lol.
I still feel like most of the late night assignments I was given last summer were really just practical jokes.
Making this recent so people read it. Too funny
Hah
4 star story
the OFFENSIVE JOKES thread (Originally Posted: 01/21/2011)
I'll start...
How do you cut off a hick's dick?
Slam his sister's mouth shut
Ridiculously perfect response. How long did it take you to come up with that? LOL
SB for the correct response. Here's a long one:
So a doctor is screwing one of his patients, and a few months into the affair, they find out that she's pregnant. The girl starts panicking because she's not ready to raise a baby and so they start thinking about options.
Next day, the doctor sees a priest who comes in for a routine checkup. The doctor tells him that his prostate will need to be operated upon due to inflamation.
The doctor then meets with the girl and tells her that he has a plan. He decides to schedule the priests operation the same day that he schedules the girls C-section.
The day of the operation, the doctor tells the priest after his surgery: "Father! You won't believe this! It's a miracle, you just had a baby!!!!!"
Priest: That's impossible! Doctor: I saw it with my own eyes! It's a miracle, I delivered the baby myself!
Anyway, the priest believes him and thinks that it was a miracle, and the doctor and his mistress are relieved that the plan worked.
18 years later, the priest talks to his kid: "Son, there's something I need to tell you"
Kid: What is it dad? Priest: I'm so sorry I didn't tell you this sooner, but I'm not your father... Kid: WHAT????? Priest: I'm your mother, the archbishop is your father....
For you Curb fans
OMG...SB+1 that was hilarious.
I can honestly say I have never heard that joke before I read it here
I prefer the " kick his sister in the chin" punchline, butyou had the right idea.
How many animals are in a pair of women's pantyhose?
How many?
15 - ten little piggies, two calves, an ass, a beaver, and a fish that no can find.
Haha, that's awesome. +1 SB.
Regards
Lol that's not bad.
What's the useless skin around the vagina called?
The woman.
Why do men snore? (Joke for the ladies)
everythingsucks sucks on anything.
those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.You created a thread for offensive jokes so you should have the gut to take the offensive jokes for what they are: JOKES.
I threw an offensive joke at you as you asked for it but you threw some shit at me. LMAO,
^ what on are you talking about? Monkey shit? I didn't throw monkey shit at anyone...
Piggy bank, you most likely got monkey shit because your joke sucks. A better one would be "everythingsucks sucks at/on everything". If you want to make a play on words, you got to use the original words, you noob.
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
What do 10,000 battered women have in common?
They don't do what they're told
There jokes aren't offensive at all. Best website for offensive jokes Sickipedia. New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15 Tub of Vaseline: £3 XL Box of Tissues: £2 The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless
What's the similarity between immigrants and sperm?
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
Thousands get in but only one works.
A baseball bat.
Dude that was just so wrong. Haha.
What do you call an anorexic chick with a yeast infection?
What do a pizza delivery man and a genecologist have in common?
Why does chuck Norris have kids?
Because it's lunch time?
What do you call an anorexic chick with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese.
What do a pizza delivery man and a genecologist have in common?
You pay them both to get off your front porch?
Why does chuck Norris have kids?
He was getting tired of fighting off superninjas. Too easy. Only a Norris has a chance against a Norris.
My wife asked me to put the car in the driveway for her. Admittedly, it is a bit of a tight fit. After I'd done it, she asked me, "How did you do that?" I explained that there's a small mark on the wall and when that lines up with the left hand wing mirror I pull the steering wheel slightly to the right and it fits in fine. "No," she said, "How did you make it go backwards?
I had a fright when I woke up and found a naked 13 year old boy in my bed this morning.
Then I remembered, it's Saturday, and I'm not due in church until tomorrow.
Both the pizza man and the gynocologist can smell it but can't eat it
haha, i'd bet that if it has to get looked at by a doctor, it probably doesn't smell all that appetizing
Hahaha some of these are pretty good.
loki,
Google is a friend also heard it before
What do you do with a Jew with ADHD?
sickipedia really sucks. my favorite for years has been cyanide and happiness
To each his own. Personally I prefer when I am out and bored to go on sickipedia and waste a couple of minutes but you do have to be able to take the jokes there as well.
posting from phone sorry. Why DOESN'T Chuck norris have kids?
because as soon as his fetuses (feti?) grow legs, they roundhouse kick their way out of a uterus. because a woman goes into shock and dies from the massive hemorrhaging inflicted on her ovaries by his sperm. because making love to chuck norris is like seeing heaven, there's no point in living on earth after that
it's not that the jokes are offensive, they are just really lame and boring. like wtf is this: " I need to really learn to not split infinitives." or this "I've just fisted my wife really hard, in the ring. It's great being married to a boxer."
Never read the right side, only left
Because you wouldn't have kids either if you could kick that hard....
ok, here are the "winners" on the right:
"My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I'm worried because it means I can also get it one day.
Thankfully nobody in our family has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's before."
"Want to know what really floats my boat?
Archimedes' Principle of Relative Buoyancy"
on the other hand:
See I find those jokes funny and although cyanide is good too its only 1 per day whereas sickipedia has lots of good jokes per day. Suppose you might not be getting it because you are american
Meh, they are only mildly amusing.
guess i'd rather have one good joke a day, not even every day, than sift through a pile of crap in search of a gem
You all wanna hear a joke?
Women's rights.
That's a good point. Since when does a piece of property have rights?
Regards
Women's rights: spit or swallow
T's and C's apply
On a related note, what did one fat chick say to the other fat chick?
Who cares?
These are some funny Canadian PSA's that are a bit extreme and a tad disturbing.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/EXxUSolUcdM
What's the best part about banging twenty-eight year olds?
There are 20 of them
...amateur
hahaha LIBOR those are hilarious!
A jewish kid asks his father for $20. His dad replies, "$10? What do you need $5 for?!"
Why do Jewish people have big noses?
Because air is free.
What?
Roll a nickel down a road?
Why?
Which?
What do you call a chinese guy covered in chocolate?
a 'Sars bar'
Gays, jews, and children - check. Blacks, women, and other minorities, it's your turn!
What do you say to a black man in a 3-piece suit?
What do you call a black hooker with braces that is about to blow you?
A black and Mexican are in a car, who is driving?
There is an apartment building with 3 floors, on the first floor - a hispanic family, on the second floor - a black family, and on the third floor - a white family. At 2 PM, the building burns to the ground, which family survives?
Why do fat girls wear underwear?
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
What does your wife and a condom have in common?
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Why are camels called ships of the desert?
Ok, one more Jewish joke... How did they know that Jesus was a Jew?
The police are driving the car.
This thread is ridiculous and amazing.
"What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? "
-Nothing. She's already been told twice.
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! " The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
1) What does a black kid get for christmas?
Your bike.
2) Why do white people go to black peoples' garage sales?
To get their stuff back.
3) What's the difference between a black guy and a couch?
The couch can support a family.
Why are camels called ships of the desert?
Because they are usually full of Arab seamen
What's faster than a black guy running with your TV? His brother with the VCR
What do you call a Mexican who can swim? A Texan
What do you call a Mexican with a broken lawn mower? Unemployed
What do you throw a Mexican man when he's drowning? His wife and kids.
How do you pick up a Jewish girl? With a dustpan
What do black men do after sex? 15 years to life
Why don't black people go on cruises? They aren't falling for that one again
Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? A: The Holocaust.
Q: What did the hobo get for Christmas? A: Nothing.
Q: Why are black people so good at basketball? A: Because they PRACTICE.
Q: Why couldn't Sally ride a bike? A: Because Sally had cerebral palsy.
This should be homepaged asap.
Q: What's black and white, black and white, black and white? A: A nun falling down the stairs.
Q: How many SA does it take to fix a leak under the hood?
What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike? Ethiopian
What was good about the million man march? Only three people missed work
What did the black guy get on his SAT? Barbecue Sauce
What does the highest paid woman in the WNBA make? Sandwiches
Why does Beyonce sing "to the left"? Because women don't have rights
Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
What's white on top and black on bottom? Society
A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line. "You must be single." the clerk says. Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?". "Because you're ugly".
How does every Black joke start? By looking over your shoulder!
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat b***h."
What's the worst thing you can call a black man that starts with "n" and ends with "r"? Neighbor.
Football Jokes Thread (Originally Posted: 09/20/2014)
Here's one to get the party started: Q: "Why do they have cheerleaders and football games?" A: "To get the boyz pumped up."
Feel free to come up with your own. Inside jokes welcome. Brady4MVP or real Brady (I just hate that guy) jokes are also welcome.
I have a great football joke.
"the NFL". Biggest joke going right now.
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