119 Comments
 

This isnt new, and the women wont appreciate it, but it made me chuckle.

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.

The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be held against you.

The drunk replies, "Boobs."

 

heres a good one for bonus time...

Q: What's the difference between you and your bonus? A: Your wife will ALWAYS blow your bonus.

 

John Paul Getty:If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.

You've been in Corporate Life too long when...

At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities." You calculate your own personal cost of capital. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing", and "firing people's asses." You actually believe this explanation You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late You can spell "paradigm." You actually know what a paradigm is. You can use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization." You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line". You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt." You give constructive feedback to your cat. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey. You refer to dating as test marketing. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk costs." You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO." You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don't know. You understand your airline's fare structure. You open Powerpoint to note your secretary's private phone number You write executive summaries on your love letters. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell." Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, b!?@!" Your garbage can IS your "in" box. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday. You don't set your alarm anymore cause you know the pager will go off before the alarm does. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail.

 

THis one comes from my finance professor:

A guy walks in a bar, and asks for a beer. Then he pulls out a 10 inch little guy out of his coat pocket and gives him some beer. Then he pulls out a tiny little piano and a tiny stool and the tiny guy starts playing. Another guy at the bar can't believe his eyes. He asks the other guy where did he find such a tiny guy. The guy at the bar tells him he has this magic lamp that gives you one wish. The guy is really excited and asks if he can use it. He rubs it and asks for a million pounds. He gets a million pounds of bananas. He is like WTF mate, I asked for a million pounds! The other guy tells him: do you really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?

 

I thought I'd share this one with you guys, saw it on a K@W video:

When talking to someone about AIG they said to me, "The problem with AIG is when you look at their balance sheet, on the left side of the balance sheet nothing is right, and on the right side of the balance sheet nothing is left."

-Richard Ward, CEO of Llyod's of London

Seems like those British bankers have a sense of humor.

 

A guy goes into a bar, and with him come a cat and a stork. He orders a bear, the stork orders a beer, and the cat orders half a beer. This happens a few more times, when the bartender asks what the hell is wil the cat. The man answers, "I found a magic lamp and the genii offered to grant me one wish, so I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

 

Saw these a few years back, great stuff!

Jack: They’re all former investment bankers who were laid off from that economic crisis that Nancy Pelosi caused. They have zero real world skills, but God they work hard. -30 Rock
 

HAHA...Is it just me or do some of these sound like they came from the same witness?

"Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, for knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA."
 
Gekko21HAHA...Is it just me or do some of these sound like they came from the same witness?

I agree, I think a bunch of them are by the same witty doctor.

"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." - J. Paul Getty
 

We once slipped an acid tab into this associate's hamburger. He started freaking out and getting all paranoid, but the hilarious part was when we told him spiders were crawling behind his eyeballs until he clawed one of his eyes out. Good times.

_______________________________________ http://www.drmarkklein.blogspot.com/
 

There was the summer intern we really didn't like. We started off by simple pranks, you know.. just had him place the food order and would give him the name of strip clubs to order from instead of real dining establishments. But he figured it out by googling the names. We then upgrade to just renaming a menu in word to the name of a strip club. That was a pretty good one too. But later in the summer we got him with a zinger that he probably still doesn't know about. He was all excited about his girlfriend coming to visit for the weekend towards the end of the summer. So as the weekend rolled around, we slammed him with work, and a few of the first-year analysts took her out all night and got drunk with her. We all slept with her and she even got pregnant. Well she told the guy that it was HIS baby!! Oh man.. that was great prank.

-------------- Either you sling crack rock or you got a wicked jump shot
 
BSD123There was the summer intern we really didn't like. We started off by simple pranks, you know.. just had him place the food order and would give him the name of strip clubs to order from instead of real dining establishments. But he figured it out by googling the names. We then upgrade to just renaming a menu in word to the name of a strip club. That was a pretty good one too. But later in the summer we got him with a zinger that he probably still doesn't know about. He was all excited about his girlfriend coming to visit for the weekend towards the end of the summer. So as the weekend rolled around, we slammed him with work, and a few of the first-year analysts took her out all night and got drunk with her. We all slept with her and she even got pregnant. Well she told the guy that it was HIS baby!! Oh man.. that was great prank.

HAHAHAH. Oh man, I spit coffee out of my nose all over my keyboard. I have a feeling no one else will think its that funny...

good one.

 

that is hilarious...some how I saw that one coming, lol.

"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant, it's just that they know so much that isn't so." - Ronald Reagan
 

SB for the correct response. Here's a long one:

So a doctor is screwing one of his patients, and a few months into the affair, they find out that she's pregnant. The girl starts panicking because she's not ready to raise a baby and so they start thinking about options.

Next day, the doctor sees a priest who comes in for a routine checkup. The doctor tells him that his prostate will need to be operated upon due to inflamation.

The doctor then meets with the girl and tells her that he has a plan. He decides to schedule the priests operation the same day that he schedules the girls C-section.

The day of the operation, the doctor tells the priest after his surgery: "Father! You won't believe this! It's a miracle, you just had a baby!!!!!"

Priest: That's impossible! Doctor: I saw it with my own eyes! It's a miracle, I delivered the baby myself!

Anyway, the priest believes him and thinks that it was a miracle, and the doctor and his mistress are relieved that the plan worked.

18 years later, the priest talks to his kid: "Son, there's something I need to tell you"

Kid: What is it dad? Priest: I'm so sorry I didn't tell you this sooner, but I'm not your father... Kid: WHAT????? Priest: I'm your mother, the archbishop is your father....

-MBP
 

I can honestly say I have never heard that joke before I read it here

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses - Henry Ford
 
monkeysama15 - ten little piggies, two calves, an ass, a beaver, and a fish that no can find.

Haha, that's awesome. +1 SB.

Regards

"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant, it's just that they know so much that isn't so." - Ronald Reagan
 

everythingsucks sucks on anything.

those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.You created a thread for offensive jokes so you should have the gut to take the offensive jokes for what they are: JOKES.

I threw an offensive joke at you as you asked for it but you threw some shit at me. LMAO,

Oui!oui!oui! Money Gives Power, Power Buys Positions
 

Piggy bank, you most likely got monkey shit because your joke sucks. A better one would be "everythingsucks sucks at/on everything". If you want to make a play on words, you got to use the original words, you noob.

More is good, all is better
 

What do 10,000 battered women have in common?

Men are so simple and so much inclined to obey immediate needs that a deceiver will never lack victims for his deceptions. -Niccolo Machiavelli
 
happypantsmcgeeThey don't do what they're told
+1 SB. They just don't listen.
Men are so simple and so much inclined to obey immediate needs that a deceiver will never lack victims for his deceptions. -Niccolo Machiavelli
 

There jokes aren't offensive at all. Best website for offensive jokes Sickipedia. New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15 Tub of Vaseline: £3 XL Box of Tissues: £2 The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless

 

What's the similarity between immigrants and sperm?

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

More is good, all is better
 
ArgonautWhat's the similarity between immigrants and sperm?

Thousands get in but only one works.

ArgonautHow do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

A baseball bat.

Dude that was just so wrong. Haha.

People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis, you can't trust people Jeremy
 

What do you call an anorexic chick with a yeast infection?

What do a pizza delivery man and a genecologist have in common?

Why does chuck Norris have kids?

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses - Henry Ford
 

What do you call an anorexic chick with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese.

What do a pizza delivery man and a genecologist have in common?

You pay them both to get off your front porch?

Why does chuck Norris have kids?

He was getting tired of fighting off superninjas. Too easy. Only a Norris has a chance against a Norris.

 

My wife asked me to put the car in the driveway for her. Admittedly, it is a bit of a tight fit. After I'd done it, she asked me, "How did you do that?" I explained that there's a small mark on the wall and when that lines up with the left hand wing mirror I pull the steering wheel slightly to the right and it fits in fine. "No," she said, "How did you make it go backwards?

I had a fright when I woke up and found a naked 13 year old boy in my bed this morning.

Then I remembered, it's Saturday, and I'm not due in church until tomorrow.

 

Both the pizza man and the gynocologist can smell it but can't eat it

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses - Henry Ford
 
happypantsmcgeeBoth the pizza man and the gynocologist can smell it but can't eat it

haha, i'd bet that if it has to get looked at by a doctor, it probably doesn't smell all that appetizing

More is good, all is better
 

sickipedia really sucks. my favorite for years has been cyanide and happiness

(my flesh is burning wasn't in the original)

More is good, all is better
 

To each his own. Personally I prefer when I am out and bored to go on sickipedia and waste a couple of minutes but you do have to be able to take the jokes there as well.

 
happypantsmcgeeposting from phone sorry. Why DOESN'T Chuck norris have kids?

because as soon as his fetuses (feti?) grow legs, they roundhouse kick their way out of a uterus. because a woman goes into shock and dies from the massive hemorrhaging inflicted on her ovaries by his sperm. because making love to chuck norris is like seeing heaven, there's no point in living on earth after that

More is good, all is better
 

it's not that the jokes are offensive, they are just really lame and boring. like wtf is this: " I need to really learn to not split infinitives." or this "I've just fisted my wife really hard, in the ring. It's great being married to a boxer."

More is good, all is better
 
Argonautit's not that the jokes are offensive, they are just really lame and boring. like wtf is this: " I need to really learn to not split infinitives." or this "I've just fisted my wife really hard, in the ring. It's great being married to a boxer."

Never read the right side, only left

 

Because you wouldn't have kids either if you could kick that hard....

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses - Henry Ford
 

ok, here are the "winners" on the right:

"My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I'm worried because it means I can also get it one day.

Thankfully nobody in our family has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's before."

"Want to know what really floats my boat?

Archimedes' Principle of Relative Buoyancy"

on the other hand:

More is good, all is better
 
Argonautok, here are the "winners" on the right:

"My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I'm worried because it means I can also get it one day.

Thankfully nobody in our family has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's before."

"Want to know what really floats my boat?

Archimedes' Principle of Relative Buoyancy"

on the other hand:

See I find those jokes funny and although cyanide is good too its only 1 per day whereas sickipedia has lots of good jokes per day. Suppose you might not be getting it because you are american

 

Meh, they are only mildly amusing.

guess i'd rather have one good joke a day, not even every day, than sift through a pile of crap in search of a gem

More is good, all is better
 
ibintxYou all wanna hear a joke?

Women's rights.

That's a good point. Since when does a piece of property have rights?

Regards

"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant, it's just that they know so much that isn't so." - Ronald Reagan
 

On a related note, what did one fat chick say to the other fat chick?

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses - Henry Ford
 
ArgonautWhat do u do with a Jew with ADHD?

How do you start a Jewish marathon?

Why is money green?

What language does a queer Jew speak?

  1. What?

  2. Roll a nickel down a road?

  3. Why?

  4. Which?

-MBP
 

Gays, jews, and children - check. Blacks, women, and other minorities, it's your turn!

What do you say to a black man in a 3-piece suit?

What do you call a black hooker with braces that is about to blow you?

A black and Mexican are in a car, who is driving?

There is an apartment building with 3 floors, on the first floor - a hispanic family, on the second floor - a black family, and on the third floor - a white family. At 2 PM, the building burns to the ground, which family survives?

Why do fat girls wear underwear?

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

What does your wife and a condom have in common?

How do you piss off a female archeologist?

Why are camels called ships of the desert?

Ok, one more Jewish joke... How did they know that Jesus was a Jew?

More is good, all is better
 

This thread is ridiculous and amazing.

"You stop being an asshole when it sucks to be you." -IlliniProgrammer "Your grammar made me wish I'd been aborted." -happypantsmcgee
 

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

-MBP
 

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! " The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

-MBP
 

1) What does a black kid get for christmas?

Your bike.

2) Why do white people go to black peoples' garage sales?

To get their stuff back.

3) What's the difference between a black guy and a couch?

The couch can support a family.

 

What's faster than a black guy running with your TV? His brother with the VCR

What do you call a Mexican who can swim? A Texan

What do you call a Mexican with a broken lawn mower? Unemployed

What do you throw a Mexican man when he's drowning? His wife and kids.

How do you pick up a Jewish girl? With a dustpan

What do black men do after sex? 15 years to life

Why don't black people go on cruises? They aren't falling for that one again

 

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

What's white on top and black on bottom? Society

A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line. "You must be single." the clerk says. Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?". "Because you're ugly".

How does every Black joke start? By looking over your shoulder!

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat b***h."

What's the worst thing you can call a black man that starts with "n" and ends with "r"? Neighbor.

 

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Asperiores sunt exercitationem consectetur animi non sapiente. Sint ipsam asperiores est nesciunt quo. Quisquam eius quo quia numquam ut. Autem reiciendis quasi ipsa porro facilis voluptatibus ducimus quas.

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Autem velit et nihil est aut ut. Est quas voluptas aliquid voluptatum quia illum. Dolorem aperiam quibusdam sed incidunt alias perferendis.

"When you stop striving for perfection, you might as well be dead."
 

Occaecati in inventore porro beatae est tempora. Expedita quasi quas et sed omnis minus. Molestiae earum aut dolorem aut tenetur sed facilis. Officiis voluptatem eos iure voluptas mollitia. Dicta perspiciatis commodi perspiciatis ut dolorum.

[quote=Matrick][in reply to Tony Snark"]Why aren't you blogging for WSO and become the date doctor for WSO? There seems to be demand. [/quote] [quote=BatMasterson][in reply to Tony Snark's dating tip] Sensible advice.[/quote]
 

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Sint voluptates occaecati dolorum inventore vel recusandae. Eius aspernatur et ut sed dolorem aut. Quia molestiae totam exercitationem minus non suscipit. Tempora illo ut est qui earum.

 

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Praesentium sunt qui delectus sapiente cumque autem sunt magnam. Ex natus harum nulla adipisci impedit. Eos itaque voluptatem asperiores aliquid minima placeat et laboriosam.

 

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