Take offer in diff city to get over a girl?

Parked on Park's picture
Rank: Baboon | 154

It was the summer of 2014 when I first met her. We were both interning in the city; she was a year older and I met her when my friend, who was her roommate of 2 years, introduced us at a bar. Initially, I wanted to get to know her better so she could help me get a job - I wanted to line up an internship for next summer at her bank. We met up a couple more times that summer and into the school year to smoke and chat. At first it was just about finance but as we became friends, we talked about everything. During that fall, I invited her to a formal at my fraternity and we ended up hooking up and I spent the night at her apartment. After that, we were inseparable for a few weeks and started dating about a month later. The spring of 2015 was one of the happiest times I can remember. We walked to class together, went to the gym together, watched TV together and went out together. During spring break, we went on a trip together and I met her parents at her house. As graduation for her approached, we had the talk. I still had another year to go of school and she was going to start full-time in the city (about 4 hours from school). We decided to see how the summer would go before making any decisions.

In the summer of 2015, I was obsessed with finding a job. I hated my internship, I was working in ECM and wanted to switch to M&A. Given that she was at an EB, I kept asking her to put me in touch with people to network with. She helped me as much as she could and in the end, I was able to get the EB offer that I wanted so badly. But in August, she broke up with me. She said I was too focused on getting a job and I had ignored her for the entire summer. It was true, I had made her practice interviews with me rather than have sex. I went back to school with a heavy heart despite having what I wanted. I knew I blew it and I didn't expect to hear from her again.

Three weeks later, she called. She told me she was sorry and she understood what it was like to want a job so badly. She told me about how much she missed me and how she would do anything to have me back. I thought about it for a day and called her back, telling her yes. For the fall of 2015, I was as happy as I was in the spring of it. I took a 4 hour bus ride down to see her every other weekend and we took advantage of every second we had together to explore the city and try new things. That fall was when I began to think that she was who I wanted to marry down the road.

The spring came and I got closer to graduating. My office was pretty close to hers and I planned on getting an apartment just a few blocks from hers. We were so excited and life was going to be perfect. She met my family during graduation and all went well. For her birthday, I drew a portrait of us that she hung immediately in her living room. For the Fourth of July weekend, we went away to her condo on the shore and had a blast.

Since we're both analysts, we had very little time once I started work. Some nights I would leave the office at 5am and other nights she would. It was really only on the weekends that we saw each other. I knew I had let work take priority over her last summer and I swore I wouldn't let it happen again. And I didn't. Whenever we were together and she talked about how great some wine would be, I'd go out and get some and pick up some groceries for her on the way back too. I planned dates, stayed in when she wanted to stay in and went out when she wanted to go out.

But it seemed like we just kept fighting more. She started to pick at everything but I stayed patient with her. And it looked like things were getting better, she made plans for our two year anniversary, I invited her to my firm's holiday party and we made plans for a winter ski trip after Christmas. On the weekend before Thanksgiving, we went on a weekend trip to Chicago to visit some college friends. We got into a fight one night of the nights but made up the next day.

We were on different flights back and when we got to the airport, she told me she thought we should take a break. It was one of those, it's not you, it's me kind of talks. She said she just wasn't ready for a relationship right now, she was tearing ours apart and she needed to be alone to figure her life out. Also back in the summer, she had accepted a PE offer in DC starting in summer 2017 and I had completely supported her taking it. She said she didn't know if she really even wanted to do PE anymore and only ever wanted it because it was what she felt like was expected of her and needed time alone to figure it out. I felt blindsided but said sure to the break. I waited with her for her flight and she cried the whole time telling me how much she would miss me.

I think I was less upset initially because I thought it would be a short break and she would be back in three weeks like before. But the weeks turned into months and I became more and more depressed. I was getting crushed at work but I didn't mind it because I didn't know what I would do if I had free time. I tried to take my mind off of her and went on a few dates but they all fizzled out after the first one. I finally couldn't handle it anymore and I emailed her in February of this year. She responded telling me she shouldn't have misled me to think this would be a short term break and she was still figuring things about. She didn't want the PE job anymore and is busy looking for a corpdev job in NY but still needs time alone.

I just got a PE offer in Boston and don't know what to do. I still miss her every day and find myself thinking about her often even though it's been nearly 6 months. I have trouble moving on because I feel like I'm waiting for her even though she told me that I should live my life and not wait for her. There were some bad spots with her but I still remember the good times of the spring and fall 2015 and can't help feeling that we could get those days back. Also I don't know anyone in Boston and don't really want to move there. I don't know if accepting the offer (start date is summer 2018) would help me move on or if it would just make me feel even shittier. Honestly, I don't even know if I want to do PE either, I think maybe I only ever wanted it because I thought it would impress her. I still do think that we're a great fit and don't really understand what happened. Her friends have told me that she talks about me to them and she tells me about how she loves me in the emails we swapped - it's that shred of hope that really fucks with my head

And if you're reading this - yeah, I can't believe I'm going on WSO for relationship advice either

Comments (35)

Best Response
Apr 11, 2017

My dude, you have quite a few things on your plate huh?

I think the first thing is to let yourself be aware that you're not the only person in this situation. There's a lot of other youngbankers/young professionals going through the same thing. Don't feel like you're all alone on your island. This is normal and you guys just moved on from one big phase in your life (college) to another huge phase (recent post-grad). Things change. People change. Relationships change.

You're only 23 (same as me). Just think about that. You have 7 more years before you hit 30. There are going to be so many things that will happen within those 7 years. Maybe you will end up marrying this girl. Maybe you'll meet a girl on your first day in Boston and hit it off. Who knows. You have to embrace this uncertainty. I know it sucks that there's still that shred of hope because it doesn't really allow you to make a confident choice.

I will say that you shouldn't keep longing for her. She's in DC and not in the right phase of her life to commit to you. Yeah there's a shred of hope, but don't let that hope ruin your potential future relationships or your work quality or your social life. You have to get up and just get on with it. Yeah this girl is great, but that doesn't mean there aren't just as great girls elsewhere.

Question - are you excited about this PE job in Boston? If you are, I would suggest you move there. If not, then find a job that you want to do in the right location. Being miserable in Boston from doing a job you hate while dreaming of your ex-gf is a recipe for disaster. You're just going to waste your 20's. Do you want to look back in 10 years and be like, "god dammit, I wasted 7 years of my life on hoping this one girl will take me back!" Don't be that guy.

You've already been moping for the past year. Stop wasting all your emotional capacity on this.

TL;DR Fuck bitches get money boyo.

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Apr 7, 2017

Good stuff and truth, haha

Aug 8, 2017
Apr 7, 2017

I went through a bad breakup last year and I would say its best to cut off contact completely just to get yourself right. Through the bad times I would say I read a lot of reddit's /r/relationships and I followed some of the steps from this guide: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com/. Time will help things move along but I would say reduce contact as much as possible. If you block her on social media and she still REALLY needs to get in touch with you, she will find a way if it's really important. Just create some space for yourself.

Regarding the job pick - just do what's right for you from a long term career and location fit, without the girl in mind.

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Apr 7, 2017

Get some therapy and cut off all contact. Work a lot and go on dates with every chick that hits your tinder. Best thing is distraction.

Moving because of a break up is way too drastic.

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Apr 7, 2017

"It was true, I had made her practice interviews with me rather than have sex." "I drew a portrait of us that she hung immediately in her living room."

Skipping sex and drawing portraits, are you gay bro? Maybe you just need to admit that to yourself.

On a serious note, I really feel for you man that sounds like a really sad situation. I would suggest that you try to move on as it seems like something you are both completely unsure of, and you are still young. There are lot of opportunities to meet other people, I don't think you should move to a different city over this, you never know what could happen.

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Apr 7, 2017

Hahaha yeah, that was not a good summer

I mean the only PE offer I have is in Boston. I know I want to do PE but I've always had second thoughts about moving to a city where I don't know anyone. The fact that moving there would close the lid on all this is kind of appealing to me and would help me move on. But at the same time, I'm also a little hesitant about it because, to me at least, this would mean it's definitely over and I'm not 100% sure that's what I want

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Apr 7, 2017

I thought this was going to be a post by Fear the Bulge

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Apr 8, 2017

She should play no factor in your decision.

And yes, it's over. Just because everyone is busy does NOT mean you take it out on each other. She also left first. Any woman who leaves you has already thought about it probably dozens of times before she actually does it.

Besides which you NEVER want to go into a relationship desperate. A healthy relationship will have a fair balance of power and that attitude gives all of yours away. Even if that wasn't the case would you rather be with someone who is bored and argumentative to be around or someone who is extremely eager to please and enjoys seeing you happy?

I

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Apr 9, 2017
Attack_Chihuaha:

She should play no factor in your decision.

And yes, it's over. Just because everyone is busy does NOT mean you take it out on each other. She also left first. Any woman who leaves you has already thought about it probably dozens of times before she actually does it.

Besides which you NEVER want to go into a relationship desperate. A healthy relationship will have a fair balance of power and that attitude gives all of yours away. Even if that wasn't the case would you rather be with someone who is bored and argumentative to be around or someone who is extremely eager to please and enjoys seeing you happy?

I

This. In my experience, people who leave first have contemplated the decision a few times (at least) beforehand. I know I have. My exes have as well. These things aren't usually made on a whim in a real relationship.

A healthy relationship absolutely has to have a balance of power. This includes both people being ~equally committed to that relationship after taking their jobs, locations, etc. into account. You want a partner who is equally committed, particularly for the long term. What you describe just doesn't fit the bill.

If you were in a healthy relationship, you would absolutely have to take your partner's preference into account. But considering your particular situation, make the decision on Boston based only on whether you will be fine with the town (good town), whether you're confident in your ability to make friends there, and whether you'll like the job, in whichever order is most important to you. Remember, it's likely only for a few years anyway, and then you're off to b-school or something else. If you don't separate the two decisions, you may very well be stuck regretting both the PE and the relationship choices.

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Apr 9, 2017

Steps:

1) Move to Boston
2) Crush work
3) Once you've found your legs at work, get on Tinder and start swipin'.

100% guarantee there's no way getting back with her now goes well for you. There's no way that taking the right job and doing well with it hurts your chances with her, or any of the single women out there.

Apr 9, 2017

"It was true, I had made her practice interviews with me rather than have sex." - Possibly the WSO quote of the year - no days off lmao this quote got me.

But on an advice side...I would move to Boston and focus on work. It seems like shes focusing on herself and you can't wait around without risking emotional damage if she keeps toying with you. You have a lot to look forward to and letting one girl destroy that isn't worth it. Do you know what shes doing with her "time alone" hate to point out the obvious but she could just be selfishly exploring other options.

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Apr 8, 2017

Yep.

Charity has no place in dating. Focus on yourself until you meet someone who returns the favor and focuses on you.

Apr 10, 2017

She's banging some other dudes. She likes you, but she's unsure if you're the best she's going to get. She's testing the water, seeing what's out there. If she finds something better, you'll never see her again. If not, she'll demand that you marry her.

Take the offer and don't look back. Women will throw themselves at you in a few years time.

My two cents.

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Apr 10, 2017

Accept the offer and send her a cold email. If she has a positive response you can renege accordingly. Make sure to follow up in a week. In all seriousness, make the cold economic decision without considering people who no longer consider you.

Apr 10, 2017

It sounds like she does love you, but she seems just as confused about the future and her career. I think she knows a broad sense of what she wants, but the ambition to get there WHILE maintaining a healthy relationship is very hard. The fact that there are two of you with a similar mindset makes it even trickier to work things out.

The bad part about this is that she is not likely to 'figure' her life out. She is still young and dumb. If 'figuring herself out' requires her breaking off contact with you go to focus on work and meditate, then that means she will likely do this again. Reinventing oneself is a life long process, but it should not require breaking off a relationship with someone you care for deeply. If she really broke up with you to 'figure herself out', problems may resurface in the future if she were to come back. This could also just be an excuse to have fun and enjoy the single life in her young and beautiful years before she has to commit to you and a career. You letting her know that you want her buys her more time and security, actually. Right now, she knows you would take her back in a heartbeat.

If I were you, I would do what was previously suggested. Go meet other girls. Don't screw all of them to distract yourself, but genuinely look for some people to have a smart conversation with. Make friends of any gender, go out to bars, keep networking, and take the job in Boston if you feel like you will actually like it. Just enjoy life. When she sees that you are enjoying life without her, she may want to be in. Then, you may need to reevaluate everything once again.

Humans are complicated creatures. Good luck, mate.

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Apr 10, 2017

I had a break up before moving to a new duty station that was dramatic as fuck. The change in scenery helped me a ton. New sites, new women and new people never hurt. Honestly, looking back on it makes me smile. Having to change your social dynamics helps to keep your mind off of shit. Also, I have a friend who decided to move after he left his fiancee, positive results. He is substantially happier and has a lot less drama in his life. Just remember no one is going to give a shit beyond 'nasty break up and just wanted to go somewhere new.' You go into details and you will drive away people like a skunk.

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Apr 10, 2017

Bud, I think your current predicament is more about how you're conducting your life than how much this girl matters, or doesn't matter.

Sounds like you haven't really figured out what makes you happy. I guarantee that until you do, every good thing that comes and goes from your life will seem like an occasion to question the meaning of everything.

Look - if you get up every morning and know who it is that you want to be, and you go out and be that person, you can rest assured that the rest is likely to fall into place. In my experience, that girl that "got away" will notice and gravitate back towards you. But remember: it's not about her, it's about you.

Lots of the time, happiness in life is simply a matter of whether you are actively cultivating the person you intend to be. If the answer is yes, you'll go to sleep happy regardless of whether she's with you. Sure it may make you a little sad that she's not there, but the weight will lie on the fact that you did exactly what was within your power and intent to do that day.

If it seems like your happiness is too bound up in the whims and actions of others, it's probably because it is. Nobody comes into this world thinking "my life's purpose is to marry Jane Doe" - you haven't even met Jane at that point. I find that people only start to obsess over others when they haven't put enough time into establishing their own personal metrics for success. In the absence of those metrics, you're really just an organism chasing the endorphin high you get when some particular girl is in the room.

Tl;DR: Design a system for evaluating the worth of your actions and life, and stick to it. Without a system, you'll just be chasing whichever job/girl/etc. catches your eye, and that's no better a recipe for happiness than a goldfish chasing food flakes in a tank.

Aug 7, 2017

M

Apr 10, 2017

A side comment but props to you for appearing to manage the stress of the analyst program way better than your GF and having the nerves and mindset to be the level-setter in your relationship. Higher male testosterone and your amines at work. Just kidding, but not really.

From the outside looking in, it appears you have felt indebted to your GF for helping you place into your bank. Additionally, banking and PE seems to have fucked with this girl's mind. It appears her moods have been vascillating from day 1. Again, props to you for helping her manage through this. With this being said I think you have more than held your part in the relationship and thus should view the relationship in a prospective light. You owe her nothing and she owes you nothing.

So, a suggestion is for you to have a heart-to-heart with this girl. Will she really be happy if she finds a role in corp. dev.? Will you be going to Boston? It seems like these are pretty sure things for you two and a clean break-up is in order given you both are already quasi-separated and are on diverging paths.

However, I think you should talk to a therapist and/or friends outside of finance for a different perspective. As you alluded to in the last sentence of your post, you can't believe you're asking about this on WSO. The opinion of hypercompetitive and relatively insecure males in their 20s is going to be quite biased and I think you understand this (at least preconsciously).

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Apr 10, 2017

"It was true, I had made her practice interviews with me rather than have sex."

I almost couldn't take this seriously because the whole time I'm thinking "why the fuck couldn't you have done both?"

Hey babe, let's play some roleplay. You be the interviewer and I'd be the candidate.

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Apr 7, 2017

Holy fuck why did I not do this

Apr 11, 2017

Getting cheated on, Not Frat, pussy. Didn't even read the full thing, just assuming you got cheated on cuz you're Not Frat.

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Apr 11, 2017

You're a pussy.

Apr 11, 2017

Awh man, that's a rough spot to be in. First of all, kudos on handling the situation well and not resenting her. Secondly, keep in mind that when you guys met it was a summer internship which is a very different context than daily working life. It is not uncommon to see relationships change and break down when they move from an idyllic setting (i.e. summer internship in new city) to the daily grind, especially in IB.

Thirdly, as hard as it is, try to not stay in touch. I fell HARD for a summer on an exchange semester in the US, and every after every Skype call when I was back in Europe I'd skip to class for a week straight. This is not healthy when you aren't 100% going somewhere as a couple. It makes it impossible to move on. Try to cut contact and make the decision that will make you happiest irrespective of her existence. If that's the Boston PE gig, take it. If not, don't.

Jul 21, 2017

Favorite username on this forum. Solid advice. SB for you.

Apr 11, 2017

tough situation brother, sounds like you two have had some good times as well as some rough patches. If you really want her back, the best advice I could give would be to play the mind games and move to Boston. Crush work, go out and have a good time and share some pics on insta/FB, and she'll recognize what she's missing. You always wanna come from a position of strength, that way she's the one who will have to come back tail between her legs. And if she doesn't, you'll have made all the right choices to further your own career and life, and you'll have fun doing it.

Good luck

Apr 13, 2017

man, reading this I really feel for you friend. never easy to make a call like that but I think that if you find this new offer even a little exciting you should take it. but don't take it "to get away from her" rather take it to start a new chapter in your life. you are very young (23 was quite a few gray hairs ago for me) so you need to take the long view on this. making the move also shows to her that you cannot waste your life away waiting for her. you are a young man in your prime and being frozen in sadness is the worst possible way for you to spend your youth. go to Boston, and start this new chapter; maybe this will knock sense into her and she will reach out. if not, you have your answer. no need to be a prisoner in your own head. good luck.

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Apr 14, 2017

People rarely play mind games when what they really want is right in front of them, at least from my experience.

Breakups are hard, and what makes them painful is how good things were once. If it were always terrible, there would be no longing for times gone by.

I would take the Boston job if it's what you want professionally, and if you think you'd enjoy being located there. It could be really easy to isolate yourself though, especially if you're having a hard time processing what happened with this girl. Are there any things that you've always wanted to try, but have never had the opportunity? A new language, a new team sport, a public speaking group, a hiking group? I personally just picked up hip hop - I'm terrible at it, but it's fun and I get to meet new people. Developing a social circle and having something that you look forward to makes a huge difference, even when you're busy with work.

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Apr 14, 2017

turn round

Apr 17, 2017

She didn't sound like a supportive or understanding partner. That's not what a successful relationship looks like when you are both in you early 20s working in finance. I speak from experience, currently late 20s and engaged to college GF. She should be understanding 99% of the time when you are getting crushed. She can be upset 1% of the time if you are working hard, well because she is a woman. But she should be 100% your career choice.

A woman who complains about you working too hard in early 20s will be huge problems later on. If she stays at home with the kids when you are working 70 hours trying to make MD / PE Partner will she be bitching you out?

Complaining about you not spending enough time with her when you are justifiably 100% focused on getting a job means that she doesn't get the "long game." Is too self-centered on the short term, and emotionally unstable to just bear with you for a couple weeks while you find a job.

I know its hard now, but take the job, get on tinder and don't look back. Keep these lessons in mind the next time you are close to getting into a 'serious' relationship with someone. But I would stay single for at least a year or two ;)

Finally, DO NOT WAIT FOR HER, she is moving to another city. Action speaks louder than words.

Apr 20, 2017

I was in a 3+ year relationship with a girl I thought I was going to marry. She erratically broke it off despite our deep history.

It's been 6 months since then and you know what - I've been working out almost everyday and getting closer to my life's purpose. When a woman says "don't wait for me" I can almost guarantee she is not coming back. Nor should you expect her to.

OP - In the short term, go to the gym as much as possible and love your own life as much as possible. Do what is best for you. Period. Stop wasting your time thinking about her because I'm sure she isn't thinking about you/caring for you now.

Harsh, I know. But I've been in the same shoes and you can move on as well and be even stronger for it.

Apr 20, 2017

I will make it plain and simple. Move for the right reasons. Moving because you want to get over someone, is not a solution per se, but settling. Good luck.

Aug 8, 2017
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Apr 11, 2017