20's: Career vs. Relationships
I'm going to be undergoing a massive shift in lifestyle in about half a year; the cause: college graduation. The last 3.5 years have been a lovely roller coaster of papers, exams, drinking, and chasing tail. As I look forward, I realize that I'm going to actually have to adjust to being an "adult."
In my mind, that means a lot of things, most bad: gone are the days where I could procrastinate and do literally nothing for weeks at a time on a project and still land an awesome grade. I'll also stop being financially dependent on my parents, and will actually have to pay attention to lovely things like taxes and bills. And of course, I probably need to rethink my priorities-- heading out to a club to find a cute chick at 2 in the morning won't fare well with my performance at work the next day.
With that said, one major decision I have made is to focus as much as I can on my career in my 20's. Whereas many of my friends are thinking about dating and starting families in just a few short years, I'm putting all of that on the back burner. That's not to say that I won't be enjoying life at all, but rather my number one priority in life will be career advancement. I know that's probably the mindset of many on WSO already, but let me remind that the average American "goes with the flow" and simply follows the natural order of: entry level job, get married, kids, retire, look back and go "WTF, how'd I get here?"
A couple of reasons why focusing on your career in your 20's is the right way to go:
- Your youth is the best time to attack the demanding learning curves of most professions. I know for sure I can put in the 12-16 hour work days required to reach a high level of success at my current age, but who knows what shape mentally or physically I might be in if I'm 35 and trying to advance up the corporate ladder?
- Once you reach the upper levels of the corporate hierarchy, things 20-something year olds always say they want to do become possible and even easy. I'm talking about things like travel, eat at nice restaurants, attend lavish parties, date up, etc.
- The earlier you start putting money in your 401k, the higher the return. Same goes for any other kinds of investments you may undertake.
Of course, the argument against mine is always that your 20's are the best years of your life and should be spent making memories. It really comes down to a personal value decision, but at the end of the day, I'd rather invest my time now and ensure future security than worry when I'm older and not as capable/sharp. Thoughts?
Focus on your career. There is no reason to be in a relationship in your early twenties unless you are living in the midwest or mormon. my theory is this, working hard = good salary + bonus = prostitutes whenever i want. really is the formula for champions.
I agree with op, and the people I know that get too early of a start on having kids and getting married could very well end up miserable with their choices later on. I'm sure Eddie would agree.
Why would living in the midwest be a good reason to be in a relationship in your early twenties? I hope this is a joke about weight gain or something...
Ya... that can get expensive real quick.. Pamela Handerson and Rosie Palm FTW!
Focusing on your career is the smartest move anyone can make. I know smart people who got married and now live an entirely medicore life. Had they postponed for 5 years, they'd be producing a more comfortable future for themselves and family.
I've been heavily focused on my career for 3 years now, and I don't regret a single second of it. I know in 5 years I'll have enough money to buy a very nice house in cash, and really start looking at a family.
In addition, being single right now is great, I have large amounts of disposable income that I am free to spend how I see fit, I buy $500 shoes, drive nice cars and live in a nice place. If i was married with kids, none of this stuff would happen, and I'd end up being a 50 year old man pissed that I had to drive a minivan my whole life.
i don't think the two need to be mutually exclusive, unless you're in IBD, but otherwise, you can work many hours a week and still have relationships. definitely not kids, and i don't see why you'd wanna get married in your early 20s anyway, but it's not as if it's a complete either/or situation.
but to newfirstyear's point, you probably would have to spend at least $250 from your nice shoes fund on your girlfriend's nice shoes fund. if not more. so there's that...
Really the only thing you'll be forgoing is starting a family until you're past 30; something that many people are happy with. You'll still be able to have a damn good time every once in a while - even with your career being the focus. You're making a good call!
Marriage will affect your career minimally. You can be married and still be serious about your career, given your wife is serious about hers. Kids are the proverbial stick the spokes.
This makes a lot of sense to me. I can't imagine being an associate or young VP with a kid or two.
If you have THE girl that you really love and want to spend your life with, then go for it. Otherwise FBG$ man!
Doesn't mean you won't have a good family if you have kids when you're in your 30s. I mean I have a great time growing up and both my parents are professionals. I remember that sometimes had to work late but its still better than what it was like during their 20s, now they are higher up the corporate hierarchy and yes hours do get better.
Your early twenties are a time for pushing yourself and pushing your boundaries.
Take up a sport your parents wouldn't let you or you couldn't as a kid.
I have a lot of friends that have taken up kitesurfing, backcountry skiing, mountain climbing (IE: solo attempts on Aconcagua). Oh, don't forget hang gliding.
Allow me to quote (abridged) the famed scholar (rapper), Birdman: "You will never lose women chasing money, but you will always lose money chasing women."
This was great. I'll be in your position in a few years. I have always been told that get money first and the women will follow.
good plan assuming you live past 30
You will look back and say what the f* am I doing here if you focus your 20's on 'only' work. Remember that 20% of your time will produce 80% of your successes, which holds true somewhat, thus you need to focus on the larger picture things such as making sure you have sales skills, analysis skills, general management skills, or whatever else you see fit. The only way to reach the upper echelons quickly is with an innovative entrepreneurial type idea or a sales skill that beats out other peers; most of the time it is a slow baking process. Most of the time if you join the workforce and don't start your own business, you won't have the I truly love my job feeling because you are working for somebody else, thus making it hard to work those long hours. Which leads to the fact that those long hours are damn boring, especially with other mind numbing colleagues, thus being important that you have family, other kick-ass hobbies to do with people you like, and a place to drink a beer! Its great you have a 'go get em' attitude, but I can't convince you; only you will figure that out.
Probably should not have kids in your early 20s...but I don't see any reason why you couldn't be in a committed relationship, provided the girl is mature enough to understand your need to work long hours. A girl with a degree in nursing can find work anywhere...and, let's face it, you will be the breadwinner if your girlfriend has a degree in English/Sociology/Art/Theater.
This assumes you are not in IB. Just forget anything exists outside your office for two years if you are in IB.
The two aren't mutually exclusive at all, my 02: I have a couple close analyst/associate friends whose relationships keep them grounded and their lives in perspective. Know of a vp in particular who is married and has been with the same girl since college.
I really don't understand why so many people on WSO think that having a stable, healthy relationship and Finance are just not possible. If you want to work in IBD and have a relationship, it can be done. You need to find a partner who is willing to make the sacrifice and understands why you're doing it.
I personally don't work in IBD, but work pretty long hours and have done long stints at work. I have a stable relationship with a girl I absolutely adore. I made it very clear to her that I love Finance and will never quit it. She understands and supports me.
I think some of you need to get a grasp on reality and realise that Patrick Bateman is a fictional character.
Focus on enjoying your life; if that means working on your career or cultivating relationships, then it is what it is. But don't waste your time doing something that you don't want to do if there's something else you'd rather be doing.
I personally can not see myself with kids in my early-mid 20's. Committed relationship? Definitely. But not kids.
I'm still in college and I can see what starting a family so young has done to some people I know.
It takes away your freedom too soon. Your thirst and desire for that wild freedom is rampant doing your 20's. That passion to discover yourself and the world and do everything you wouldn't do in your 30's+. If you get tied down when you're 23, suddenly you have responsibilities forced on you that you aren't ready for and won't be ready for. That urge for freedom is then surpressed under the sheer weight of the responsibilities that come with having a family.
But what happens next?
Well by the time you turn 30-35, that freedom starts giving you an itch again. It awakens one day and stays on your mind, engraving itself into your thoughts until you can't stop thinking about it. You can no longer focus on your work, your family, your hobbies. The only thing you can think about is that freedom you never had the chance to experience.
So what happens? This is when a lot of families start experiencing problems. Divorces pop up more and more frequently. But who's to blame? It's hard to answer that. Both spouses likely have felt the burning desire to discover that freedom before they turn 40, and that's when you see people cheating on each other, unexpectedly disappearing on their families, etc.
I've seen this happen first hand.
So my advice would be to just relax, and go with the flow. Stop worrying about HAVING to do this or HAVING to do that when it comes to a relationship. It will take care of itself.
Your Relationships And Your Career (Originally Posted: 06/21/2012)
On WSO we often talk about what we can do to affect our careers. We often talk about how our careers affect us. We don't often mention how our careers can affect those around us. For those of you with a serious significant-other, or those of you with a family: How do you prepare them to deal with your career and the effects of all the demands placed on you? This spouse was able to adjust:
Does your job affect your relationship with your family or significant-other? This one wasn't:I don't know about the rest of you but I'm pretty sure any girlfriend I've had (including the incumbent) isn't going to be particularly thrilled with me working hours like those mentioned above.
Link to article here Link to article here
Marriage is overrated. It becomes even more obvious when you have a significant other who doesn't see the writing on the wall, and keeps sabotaging the efforts one makes to improve oneself.
If you're with the right person, it should be fine - she'll be too busy chasing her career to complain about your impressive work ethic.
Whats the point of being married then? if she is chasing her career and you're chasing yours...Not like you'll have time to have kids.
That's straight ridiculous...not the hours but to go to someone else family's wedding without your partner...really weird...lol
Anyway, I think it is definitely an increasing issue across a number of professions and not only in finance. The generalisation of blackberries and other communication devices has made this a lot worse obviously because now you might be ouf of the office but still working which sometimes creates more tension than being at your desk...All this is about expectations, how you present it and how much effort you are really making to keep the relationship strong...but here are a few things I noted:
1/ once you are married or have family it's sometimes tougher on your lifestyle but at that point you are working for the benefit of all your family therefore your partner generally see the cost/benefits of your choices in a very different way than as a gf 2/ it's all about planning, you might be doing dog hours today but you might plan to move to a more relaxed environment in 5-10 years, that might what your partner wants to hear to accept the current situation 3/ At the end of the day it's also a lot about who you choose to live with...I mean gold diggers will not wait for you...but will be back in 10 years :-)
talking about entrepreneurship but works for any industry I think.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/tQtUXUgL4Ug
My girl gave me an ultimatum when I was studying for the CFA, either we:
1) break up while I strive for greatness 2) or stay together and settle for mediocrity.
And then I gave her some sex therapy; now i get to stay with her AND strive for greatness
This deserves a +1
These articles are from the Guardian, which is a left-wing rag of a paper that caters to the OWS crowd here in the UK. No doubt they have been written to make the loveable losers in the public sector feel smug about themselves.
Really? The Guardian? Left wing?
Be careful RObin, as the sex therapy trick does not always work.
Well said, antmavel. It is all about 'expectations management' and picking the right partner. My wife understands two very important things about both my desires and the career I am about to undertake. First, she knows that the potential long term rewards outweigh the short term sacrifices. Second, she knows that I would not be happy in some 9-5, dead-end government job earning 90k a year just to get home at 5 pm everyday. One of the reasons she married me is because she admired my ambition, work ethic, dedication, and drive to better myself professionally. She knew the long term implications.
WARNING: There are a lot of young women out there (I know because I dated one for 4 years prior to meeting my wife) who fail to realize that high earners/acheivers DO NOT get there by working 9-5. She had the conflicting expectations of being off work at 4 and never missing family events while also providing the standard of living that cannot usually be achieved by a job like that. In the under-35 crowd there are a lot of women like this. Their thinking is quite disconnected from reality. Make sure you stay away from them......
There's a magic solution to all of this, repeat after me:
"Though I try to learn your steps, I don't know what makes you dance. But just lay your cheeks on my chest and tell me everything that haunts your mind."
But some women who claim to 'understand their workaholic husbands' tend to sponge off their husbands money, spend all day in kitty parties and sleep with other men while their husband is banging the secretary in the office (the difference being the husband gets the same secretary all the time but the wife can choose different guys). So all in all the guy looses out anyway.
Yep. Lots of women under 30 just don't get it. Relationships are overrated though, especially when you're in the process of sorting yourself out.
What is everyone's theory on why these women just do not get it? One thing that I noticed is that many college educated, well-polished young women who come from families with successful parents do not understand how their father became successful enough to send their little girls to nice private schools and pay for their expensive cars, clothes, etc. They see their 50 year old father who has nights and weekends off and do not connect the dots that daddy was doing the same thing 20-25 years ago that their 27 year old boyfriend is doing right now: grinding it out doing 80-100 hours a week as an associate either in IB or at a law firm (or doing a medical residency, or whatever).
Young men seem to get this. All my male friends growing up who had successful fathers (or mothers) did not seem to have any delusions about the fact that if they wanted to follow in their footsteps they were going to have to spend 10-12 years really crushing it.
What does everyone else think about this?
Agree with the whole 'sorting yourself out' thing......
Unless you knocked some girl up, any professional, well-educated, driven young man is freakin' insane if he gets married before age 25. Keep your options open for as long as possible and do not sacrifice your future because of the demands some woman puts on you. Odds are, they are also young and just do not get it.
Another reason to date a girl from a finance family?
Here is a question:
In the famous phrase "f__k b_____s, get money",
does the sayer encourage us to
1) Disregard females and focus on acquiring material wealth
or
2) Proceed to a sexual intercourse AND try to get cash at the same time.
? ? ?
^thanks
English is not my first language, so I was confused about this since about 13 years old.
ROFL
He just lied to you.
I only have 1 question - would she be going to gallery openings if he wasn't working the hours?
I agree with most of what previous poster have said, but at the same time, there are good-paying jobs (upper 5 figures) right out of college that involve you working 9-5 or 9-6. It's called engineering. While you're making less than banking and probably trading, you do actually have a normal life outside of work for your mid-late 20s. Sure, you've probably got to go back to school for your MBA if you want to ramp up your salary progression (either by staying in engineering or switching to finance/consulting), but the fact is that it's VERY possible to never have to work more than 65-70 hours a week (not average, but at the high end) and still make a very good living. Finance is not the only way to make a great living that doesn't involve taking on law/med school debt right out of undergrad.
this thread makes me angry
angry at stupid bitches
I've got another kind of situation. Theoretically my GF understands me that I have to work a lot etc but I feel guilty that I better myselft and work for the most of the day rather than spending time with my GF.
Do you have likewise? I I'm considering breaking up to progress my career and to free my potential. Unfortunately she's super hot so this is a hard decision.. :)
Women want what they can't have, and they have no idea what they want. No matter what the outcome women will not be happy. If their husband makes less cash and is home at 5, or, if the husband makes a lot of money but home at 10, she will never be happy and content. No matter if you had a 10 inch wang and made millions the chances that your wife doesn't cheat on you with the illegal pool boy is pretty slim. If you're a bad boy she'll want the gentlemen, if you're a gentlemen she'll want the asshole. You really cannot win, and thats why you cheat on your wife and go on "fishing" trips with the fellas, or don't get married and bankroll a couple of 20-25 year old sugarbabies who you frequently rotate.
+10
Why do people smile when no one’s smiling? Its coz their thinking of someone they’re loving. Keep on believing and nothing's stopping you and that sweet love from going to heaven.
.
Well we're a bit cynical aren't we? There are nice people out there, maybe not in New York per say, but somewhere. If you're going to be cynical now about people, you might as well give up. Why keep slaving away at that job? If you're going to end up lonely anyway, no amount of money can fix it. So it's like, what was the point of all that? (Though I'd rather be rich and unhappy than broke and unhappy..obvs).
Go to seekingarrangement.com or any other site, click on browse sugar babies and look at how many hoes are out there (this generation of women will do anything for cash- pretty disturbing if you ask me). Mind you this would be a last resort as you would probably be 40+ balding, fat and look like complete shit due to working long hours, but woman don't care what you look like if you got $. Also, if you think that college girls are easy you are dead wrong. There is nothing easier than a married woman in her early 30's, about to get divorced who resents her husband. This weekend go out to a martini bar where the average age is 30+ and if your half way decent looking I guarantee you will get laid. Notice how many women hit on you who are married (wedding ring). If you want to up your chances borrow a wedding ring from a buddy, women love taken men, especially other married women.
garbage...
dude I don't know how old you are but the "I am a banker, f**k b*****s, I am loaded, money is everything" will mean nothing when you'll be 40 with no one in your life. Sure you can score every night, and then ? Do you think that at time getting laid will be your primary objective ? You can score every night today so what the difference ? The reality is that you'll be crying for a half decent woman willing to spend the rest of her life with you when you'll get older...scoring for the night is easy if you have money, having a serious committed and lifelong partner is much more difficult and if you don't think that it's important I think you will change your mind later in your life, especially when you'll be 60, alone in your hospital room, suffering in silence whilst your gold digger will be watching the latest soap opera and thinking about when to divorce you...
A lot of people here act as if caring for gf/wife is not that important but your partner will certainly be the person who will impact your life the most so stop the bragging and bravado style, just keep it real and honest...
As I said previously, the most important is the plan and the expectations because there is a fundamental reason why you chose to work long hours and most of the time it's to make as much money as possible in a short time which implies a better future, etc...
You seriously think that the wife in the OP's piece that goes to weddings and gallery expo's by herself isn't cheating on her husband. Get real. Never once did I say to not be in a long-term relationship or not be committed but you have to face reality (people cheat both men and women). I am warning the gentlemen of this site that think that once your married or in a long term relationship that they will never to cheat on you. It doesn't matter if your rich or poor, fat or a model, large dick or small dick, people cheat. Like I stated women (just like men) don't know what they really want, and believe the "grass is always greener." Prove me wrong and go out to a bar with an older cliental and tell me how many married woman hit on you, you think their husband slaving away at the office knows his wife is doing this? You think that "girls night" is always innocent? Get real.
Lol, Scooby Doo is spewing some hateful shiznet.
I don't cheat - but I don't commit either, lol.
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