Being Black is Paradise

So It Begins

Growing up, you've always been in awe of your father. He was a first-generation immigrant from India but was still able to make something of himself — his successful career thus far has seen him holding executive positions at Lehman Brothers and Morgan Stanley. Eager to follow in your father's footsteps, you decide from an early age that you wanted to study finance in college and eventually break into the famed Wall Street. 

You work hard in high school, scoring a 1510 SAT and maintaining a 4.0+ GPA. With your exceptional extracurricular activities, you believe that you have a great shot at the ivies or other top tier targets like Stanford and Georgetown. 

However, when the college application season wraps up, to your disappointment, the only schools you were admitted were Indiana University and Rutgers. You're dejected and your dad stares at you in dismay. He didn't work so hard just for his son to end up shitty state schools.

But hey, you were a direct admit to Kelley, that has to mean something right? The unprestigious Rutgers doesn't even have a direct admit program! 

Immediately, you jump onto WallStreetOasis to scope out the "prestige" of IU Kelley. You were astounded to see that despite being ranked #71 on US News, it was a TOP TIER TARGET on par with Harvard and Wharton. People even take IU Kelley over Stanford! Apparently, it is considered one of the most prestigious undergrad business schools that has been sending tons of kids to IB in BB/EB banks (up to 70 a year you hear). Additionally, you can't wait to be considered for the famed Investment Banking Workshop at IU. 

As you read the threads, your body begins to beam with pride and shivers with prestige. You stand up with the most confidence you ever had in your life. You pick up your phone and text your best friend Vikram Patel that his Wharton acceptance means nothing and IU is the place to be.

IU Kelley is Paradise??? 

As you took your initial steps through the Sample Gates, you now know what Neil Armstrong felt when he first stepped on the moon all those decades ago. The vibrant energy of rural Bloomington seeps into your bloodstream since only now do you understand what true prestige feels like. Imagine going to a non-target like Columbia. You have fun your first semester. You sneak into parties at the top tier frat exclusive Indian frat Beta Chi Theta and steal their beer. They beat the shit out of you but you are having the time of your life. 

But all the bravado was flushed out of your body as you prepare for investment banking recruiting. 

Slowly, you learn about the recruiting culture at IU Kelley. You were appalled to hear that all the top placements were from diverse candidates, and suddenly you aren't so confident about your ability to land an investment banking job like you had originally thought. As you would learn, IU Kelley is only a target if you're diverse. Otherwise, they're as non-target as they come. 

You were down in despair until your roommate Juan Hernandez came rushing in and narrated the legend of Jayson Skrowe. Coming from a 94% white high school and while possessing Anglo-Saxon name, the prophet himself faked his way into the selective Sponsors for Educational Opportunity (SEO) program by claiming he was hispanic. With a 3.7 GPA, he received an offer from the most prestigious EB through one of their diversity programs. 

Like Fatima followed in Mohamed's footsteps, you knew you had to follow in the footsteps of the legendary JS himself. You realize you also need to fake diversity in order to land a great offer from IU. Nothing could possibly go wrong. This is the way.

Transgender or Black? That is the Question. 

At first, you consider becoming transgender. Despite never touching a women before in your life, you soon realize that you want to at least use your dick one day. So nope, that's out of the equation. 

Instead, you decide it'll be easier to play the race card. 

Therefore, you buy a 23AndMe test, praying to Allah himself that the results show a smidgen of sub-saharan ancestry. Six weeks after you send in your sperm sample, you were heartbroken and devastated to see the results:100% Central and South Asian. 

Alas, with your darker skin tone, you believe that you might be able to convince the Bettys in HR that you're black. With your new racial identity, you're now ready to start the next chapter of your life as a black man. You start prepping by watching Ebony porn.

Landing a Diversity Internship at a Top Bulge Bracket

Then one day, you know notice a Canvas announcement from the Financial Services Club at IU that a top Bulge Bracket Bank (RBC/Blackstone/LionTree) was hosting an info session for their sophomore diversity internship. After learning about their incredible culture, with a quick stroke of your mouse, you drop your resume and begin the recruiting proccess at said bank. 

You memorize the BIWS 400 questions guide but soon realized that it was all for naught. Instead, your interviewer asks you softball behaviorals and your assumed interest in basketball. The hardest question he asked you was "what is your favorite color?". You struggle for a second, but later, come up with a confident, resounding "Brown."

The next day, you receive a call from the VP of Capital Markets at this top tier BB extending you an offer for their diversity pathways internship. You are ecstatic. Everything is finally falling into place. With this offer, you can leverage it to receive an even better offer for your junior summer. 

The Cracks Start Appearing

You are thrilled to begin your sophomore year. It is time to recruit for the Investment Banking Workshop. Recruiting goes exceptionally well at first. Your peers have sophomore offers from Cowen and Raymond James, but nobody has one on par from your top-tier Bulge Bracket. However, halfway through the IBW recruiting process, the esteemed director emails you about your internship and asks for a meet. 

You step into his office and wait for the shower of congratulations. To your horror, he informs you that you applied to college as an Asian and therefore, within registrar records, you are listed as Asian. He's confused as to how you were even eligible for the diversity internship.

Fuck. It looks like you were forgot to tie up a few loose ends and you're scared that he will snitch on you — causing you to lose your diversity internship offer. However, to your surprise, the director encourages you to change your race to black within university records and therefore continue the lie. Though you were ultimately not accepted to the IBW, you are glad to know that the director has your back in protecting your fake racial identity. 

"Wow", you think to yourself, "maybe all he cares about is how well IU places".

Diversity Recruiting at Elite Boutiques 

Yet you're still salty about your rejection from the esteemed IBW and resentment beings to grow. You MUST outplace everyone in that program. In the second semester of your sophomore year, you sift through the SEO postings and come across a slew of diversity insight programs. You learn that these lead to accelerated and often, easier superdays so you jump at the chance to apply to them. 

February and March were blurs as you flew out to New York City to attend all of these various programs while abusing corporate reimbursements. Your peers at these events look confused that an Indian male would be attending programs such as these, but probably just assumed you were gay or something.

You learn about each firms diversity/inclusion efforts and meet other peers from underrepresented groups. Through your "shared" experiences, you built camaraderie and felt empowered among the rest of them.

After countless superdays and challenging/nuanced technical questions (like "What are the three financial statements") you land a SA offer from a top EB firm (PWP/Tobin/Bridgewater) for Summer 2023. 

You're on top of the world. You've gamed the system. Underclassmen at IU Kelley look up to you in awe, thinking that you're incredible for landing this top EB while being a non-diverse male. Little did they know what you sacrificed to land this offer, but you are made as a God among men. 

Mistake #1: You can't keep your mouth shut

A week after your offer, you couldn't hold in the secrets of your success. You decide to tell your best friend Tyrone Jackson that you faked your race in order to land this offer. He pretends to congratulate you. At the time, you didn't know that you actually took his spot at the EB and he's hellbent on revenge. Tyrone will end up being your downfall as he begins to tell people of your trickery. 

One person became ten. Ten people became hundreds. Before you know it, everyone at IU knows about your fraud. Word spreads. Eventually, it makes its way to your intern class and your fellow peers from the Global Advisory Prep program. 

People are out for blood... They're upset. How could you possibly say you're black when you're clearly Indian? It's egregious, they say. All you can hope is that this blows over. After all, even if you get reported there's no way they pull your offer right? 

Mistake #2: You fall for a fake email

One morning, you receive an email from your esteemed EB asking you about "discrepancies" in your application regarding race. It asks you to specify your ethnicity as well as your racial origins or your offer may be in jeopardy. 

Shit. Your worst fears are becoming true. Maybe enough people reported you for your fraud and your dishonesty. You jump out of bed and begin drafting your response. 

You begin by saying that honesty and DEI are important values of yours. You mention that your mother is Asian, and her family is Indian. Hmmm, where do you go from here? 

In an attempt to cover your ass, you confidently state that your ancestors on your dad's side came from the "Mole-Dagbhonian tribe in Ghana, Africa". You continue your bullshit, telling them this is why you're also of African origin despite being Indian. 

In order to hammer the point home, you begin to devise a sob story, randomly throwing in a line about how your grandparents died when you were young and how you were "in the racial closet" in middle school due to bullying. It was only until college when you began to identify as black, you say. 

After spending 3 hours on your draft and re-reading your bullshit email 6 times, you hit send, confident that Emily from HR will eat this up and stop asking questions. 

It wasn't until a few days after you send the reply did you realize that the original email came from "hr@gmail(dot)com"... 

You feel like an idiot. Before you know it, your entire intern class and peers at IU get their hands on the email reply and begin laughing at your fake origin story. Screenshots of your email spread like wildfire. People thought it was the most absurd origin story anyone could possibly come up with. 

WSO Drama

Several weeks go by, and initially, the drama dies down. However, as you begin your capital markets diversity internship at the bulge bracket firm, a WallStreetOasis post goes hot. 

In the post, it alleges that multiple people from IU Kelley have been faking diversity in order to land BB/EB offers. Your actions had been detailed in this post but fortunately, the heat wasn't on you. Instead, most of the heat went towards your mentor JS and the other rising seniors who had landed offers at MS/GS by claiming they were black or Latino. 

The next day, to your dread, your famed origin story email was also leaked on WallStreetOasis. The floodgates have now opened. 

Before you know it, every single firm on Wall Street also has the email. You find out that you've been blacklisted from Goldman Sachs and IU Alum at Morgan Stanley are asking your peers about what exactly transpired. You even hear that this email has been brought up during financial sponsors meetings for MDs and PE Partners to share laughs over. You've also been banned from the Investment Banking Network at IU, so your PE recruiting prospects are more or less fucked. 

You begin by removing your profile picture and changing your name on Linkedin. You decide that it isn't enough, and delete your LinkedIn entirely. One thousand Linkedin connects go down the train.

Everyone now on Wall Street now knows you're a fraud. 

Consequences

Every night, you clench your asscheeks and sweat bullets, praying your offer to the EB isn’t rescinded. To your surprise, it isn't. However, deep down, you know you’re fucked either way. There is no chance you get a return offer and the damage to your reputation has been irrepairable. IU Alum at every reputable bank know what happened and there is no way they would ever pull for you in FT recruiting.

Your name has become a laughing stock. You've ruined IU Kelley's reputation. Prospects and interns have your picture and use it to create memes. Litquidity and Mark Moran laughed at you on their podcast, wondering how you could be SO stupid to fall for an obviously fake email. 

But what's done is done. You took a gamble and you lost. Others at IU won and they got away with it. 

Either way, you wonder to yourself, “maybe I shouldn’t have lied about my race after all”. You ask your dad for advice about what you should do when you fail to receive a return offer. It turns out you can always re-recruit for HR or Compliance. 

 

stop posting the same paradise stories over and over it was funny the first time

 
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