Caring for terminally ill parent while in IB
Hey all - throwaway account here. Can I get your help on something?
Situation
- One of my parents is terminally ill and is expected to pass away soon (oncologist has provided estimates of 3-6 months but I know these aren't accurate).
- I am currently stuck in a chill job with good working hours. The issue is that it is a dead-end job with next to no progression so I can't hang around too long + I am on the wrong side of 30 already so it's not like I have time on my side to make a move to IB.
- I am currently interviewing for IB positions and the thought of not being able to care adequately for my parent does concern me.
- I can slowly see that my parent's healthcare needs are escalating. For example, can longer use the phone herself and sometimes isn't aware of where she is. Had to bring her into the hospital twice just last week.
What I have considered
- Get relatives to help. This will not work. My other parent has health issues too. My siblings aren't exactly helpful.
- Get temporary nursing help. My ill parent hates dealing with new people and I can understand this as a familiar face (like mine) is certainly a source of comfort.
- Don't do IB, go to another role that can potentially allow me to develop relevant skillsets with a better work-life balance. This will allow me to transition out after my parent passes. I considered gunning for Corporate Development. Had tried for these roles and not been successful :(
Questions
- I was wondering whether anyone here can share their experience of working long hours in IB all while being able to take care of a dying parent?
- Any advice for someone in my position?
Thanks.
Can't say I can imagine what position you're in because I haven't gone through it, but stay strong and keep hustling. One thing to consider is the tradeoff between going into banking right now and seeing your parent more. I know it would be a tough choice for me to waste all of my day working when I could be with a loved one but I also acknowledge the situation you're in. Maybe speak to your siblings further despite them not being too helpful. Sorry to not be as much help but goodluck regardless I wish you all the best.
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Just wow. 'Give up my personal life and career to be a caretaker'. His mother is terminally ill with months to live, maybe it's more about spending time with the person while you can. I'm not going to call you callous, mean, selfish etc - I just hope I don't have a kid like you one day.
To the OP, my deepest sympathies. In your situation, I would interview with the banks and after securing the offer, let them know that you will need to start later due to a terminally ill parent. Whether or not they are personally sympathetic, it would be a PR disaster for them to withdraw an offer for the reason you provide.
Imagine thinking your parents would prefer you being your MDs lapdog instead of being with them for the last months of their lives. Take a hike
Even the IB or die guy said parents > work
You are so fucking obviously a junior in your career. Haven't done shit yet to make comments like this.
You do realize that you are a dime a dozen regardless of how special you think you are... I hope you realize that your employer will not hesitate to fire your ass should there be an economic reason to do so or performance reason. You're replaceable... point blank period. If you watch football, you'll know Aaron Rodgers almost got the boot this off season after packers drafted a QB. Aaron fucking rodgers. You are not the Aaron Rodgers of fucking anything.
So before you go on to say you'd value your career over family and everything, unless you have some twisted parents... your comments come off so naive. wasn't gonna comment but I feel like you needed to hear this shit.
"I love my parents but I could never give up my career and personal life to act as a caretaker." If I were your father and I knew this is how you think I would enroll in a physics PhD, invent a time machine, go back in time and jack you off in a crusty sock somewhere.
Dude, I feel really sorry for you. Not even exaggerating. Your parents must have bad karma to have a kid like you.
Since you're SO dedicated to work, I'm sure your bosses/co-workers will be by your bedside when your time comes, because sure as shit, your family won't be.
I don’t think you’ll regret taking time off to take care of your mother. It’s not like you’re stepping away from much in the grand scheme of things
There’s a very good chance you’d regret the opposite though.
Having read the responses here, I feel no guilt posting while inebriated on many forums. I gave up a big job when my mom got sick to help her before she died. It cost me a lot in terms of career progression, and I probably have a drinking problem today because of those decisions. Would I have felt worse if I didn't quit my job to move home and help my mom? Probably. Did I ultimately have a lot of problems getting back to where I was before leaving the industry? Yes, I did. Was it worth it? I think it was. I became a very rich man regardless, but I definitely had (and certainly still have) some mental issues as a result. I almost certainly would have had those issues either way since I would always have worried about the path not taken. If I hadn't helped my mom, I would have felt like shit forever. The people who say they wouldn't care are the exact sort of people you should never listen to. They're objectively selfish and if you're asking this question, you're only toying with the idea of selfishness.
As it is, you already don't have that great of a job. You're on the 'wrong side of 30' and you're debating this point. I think you know the answer to this question and you're just looking for validation. If you didn't care about being there for your mom in her last few months of life, you would not have asked this question. Since you asked, you probably already know the answer you seek.
Best of luck with your choice. It's not easy, and a lot of the pricks here will never understand.
I lost a parent last year. Jobs will come and go. You are disposable. Your future self will thank you for the time you do spend with your parent. Do as much as you can afford (time, money). Any employer worth working for will understand. No job is more important than those last days with your parent.
Hey man, terribly sorry to hear you are in this position. The only advice I have to offer is that you probably shouldnt be asking advice for this type of situation here. Most of the users are college students in their early 20s. I feel like this is the type of stuff you need to ask to someone much older with more wisdom than dickheads like us.
Hang in there buddy
I was in a similar situation as early in my career (like two years out of college) my dad suffered a stroke while I was an analyst in a REPE. While I was no way under the impression dad would die imminently (he lived for 8 years afterwards), my work performance suffered while I was the sole/primary caregiver. I used to take the subway to my dad’s place and drop off lunch and hang out a little while then rush back to the office. I would bring him dinner, buy like a big korean bbq plate lunch so he can eat it multiple meals. I would hang out on the weekend. I was nearly fired. My dad moved in with my sister and after that my work performance improved dramatically. “Odog808, we didn’t know about you, if you would make it here. But you totally improved and you are now our top analyst.” Newsflash, my dad moved back to Hawaii to live with sister.
Couple takeaways:
- I was still ultimately let go during the GFC recession, so I was just a cog.
- sometimes if you think about “the buck stops with you” or the “shit rolls downhill but doesn’t go further than you” or “if I don’t do this, who will?” Then you really don’t have a choice, you have to take care of your family.
- my employer knew about my personal life issues/responsibility but it’s quickly forgotten and only work performance mattered.
Fast forward 8 years later to the days before my dad died (2014). These are memories are seared into my memory, probably as long as I have my marbles. I’ll mention the last moments.
- I had a mandatory MBA event (needed to graduate) the weekend before the week my dad died. I stayed the full day on Saturday with the MBA folks and got excused to miss the Sunday activities due to family health crisis. MBA gave their full support to me (Go Bears!). That Saturday night I slipped away from the raucous MBA activities and drove to my dad’s assisted living community to see him. I arrived somewhere around 1am. What I experienced I will remember forever.
My dad who was suffering from the late stages of dementia and pneumonia/ COPD was on morphine to calm his body and breathing. Being on morphine also means you’re going to die soon. Most of the time dad was sleeping but he would wake up time to time, but not really be there mentally.
When I arrived at 1am, surely some beer on my breath, surely feeling kind of guilty that I spent the whole day at this mandatory MBA event but finally relieved that I’m back with dad, dad rewarded me. I walked into the darkened room and dad was completely awake and mentally all there. He couldn’t speak but could move his mouth, nod his head and smile, and look at me. I told him everything I needed and wanted to say. That I loved him so much. That I’d miss him. That I’m so grateful for everything. That everyone will be fine. He was nodding his head, smiling, whispering I love you too. This is the moment of clarity folks often get soon before they die. I just so happen to stumble into that moment and I will remember this. Dad stayed alive until I think Thursday but never did wake up from sleep.
I’m also writing this so I can copy and paste email this to the email accounts I set up for my two little kids. I sometimes do that with my WSO advice (why not pass on my wisdom while in the moment).
You have to balance things. Can’t not work. Can’t delay graduation because of a missed event. But you need balance. Now 6 years later, I can’t remember what I was working on that was on my mind. I do remember those last moments, days, weeks, months with dad. He was my last parent alive and it was an end of an era. I knew time was short and fortunately for me made the best of it. No amount of money, and certainly no money from a job (that won’t let me be there for my loved one) for a few months would be worth it in the grand scheme of things.
Commenting because this hit too close to home. Your situation is absolutely brutal. I'm afraid I can't offer you advice on your question or specific situation but I can offer my own perspective and support.
My mom fought like hell but last year (my Jr year) the doctors let us know that she had less than a year left. I ended up declining an internship that would have set me up well on the path I wanted after graduation so I could be with her. At the time I did so somewhat hesitantly, looking back absolute no brainer -- best decision I ever made (maybe ever will).
When Covid hit in May, I transitioned my courses and the part-time internship I was already at to remote and was able to juggle those while caring for her. She passed in September and it fucking sucks. I am still back home handling an absolute shit-show of family affairs, finishing Sr year, still working, and playing the hustle sport of looking FT roles for after graduation.
Covid-world sucks for everyone but the flexibility of a temporary WFH environment is a huge benefit while things are shitty.
PM me if you ever want to chat about life, careers, or just shoot the shit. Keep fighting the good fight -- I'm here for you brother.