dating while working in IB
How does a relationship go from a happy one to one where your partner doesn’t text or call at all and the effort is only one side? He started working in IB for a few years and I thought our relationship would get better but it got worse and his only excuse is that I don’t understand how stressful his job is. Does he not love me anymore or is it actually his job? And what can I do to make it better for him?
Ignore title No offense, but what made you believe that your relationship was going to get better? Serious question. You've posted on this platform before, so you've probably seen the dozens if not hundreds of posts with the title along the lines of "I want to quit so bad" or "I hate this industry/job".
IB is a grueling industry and takes both parties working together to maintain a meaningful relationship.
I'm sure he still loves you, but he is correct in saying you don't understand, albeit he may have said it harshly.
It's a tough gig. Not many guys and gals can make it past the two-year mark, and probably even fewer relationships. If he's unfortunately in a sweaty group, it's going to remain that way for a while. If both of y'all can see the writing on the wall, might be best to split amicably.
Good luck
It’s the job. Don’t bust his balls, be supportive of his career, and he’ll probably love you more.
The last thing we want to do is argue in our free time.
Problem solved.
I'll try to give you my perspective. I dated a girl while still in S&T. While not IB hours, they were still not good by any extent, and I was always pretty drained after a bad day. This girl worked a standard 9-5 corporate job, and just couldn't seem to get why I was always busy, always drained, always on. This meant she grew resentful of the fact I couldn't always be there and on, and I grew resentful because I felt like she never understood just how challenging the job was. This grew worse. She started calling me during market hours and really fucking with my head, and as a result ended up taking more responsibility at work just to avoid going home. We grew distant and eventually broke up.
A while later, while still in S&T, I met my now wife. She also worked a 9-5, and was not used to the banking lifestyle. But, whenever I was too exhausted or frustrated with work or something else, all she did was help me and be her sweet self. She became the joy I looked forwards to seeing when times were really tough, because she never made me feel guilty or bad about being unable to always be on, always be there, always be at the phone. One week, I remember there was a particularly chaotic week at the bank where multiple traders left at the same time and I had to cancel 2 dates in a row. My old GF would've been pretty irate, but my now wife was incredibly supportive and did things like bring me dinner when we were in late.
Your BF is telling you how he's feeling. He's feeling like you're not understanding the stress of the job. And the language you're using is really telling. "I thought our relationship would get better but it got worse and his only excuse is that i don’t understand how stressful his job is." You're putting all the pressure of the relationship on him. It's very likely he feels that he is being blamed for going into IB and not being able to make time for you. You're making him feel guilty, but guess what? You knew what you were getting yourself into. You've been dating him since before IB. You cannot blame him for this because you voluntarily walked into this.
You're looking at the relationship in the entirely wrong way. The strength of a relationship is not based on how many times you can call your BF or spend time with him, it's based on how much you can give to each other and grow together. Instead of growing and changing to the difficult circumstances your BF is under, you're choosing to blame him for being unable to put the same level of time into the relationship. Your BF isn't malicious. He doesn't want to make you feel neglected. But tbh it sounds like you're making him feel guilty just for having this job. And that weighs on a man over time. It weighs on anyone. It also makes him not want to see you. Imagine, for a second, that every time you saw someone, all they did was attack you or make you feel guilty about not being able to see them more? Why would you ever want to see that person?
My honest suggestion? Find other crap to do. Hobbies, friends, etc. It doesn't really matter what, as long as it pulls more of your attention. When you do see your BF, be the most giving supportive person you can be. If he's had a really tough day, be there for him. Over time, you'll notice he'll want to spend more time with you, because you'll be a person that makes him feel good and supported rather than guilty and shitty. So, be a giver. Give everything you can to him, and in turn he'll be much more likely to give back to you. And eventually, his job will demand less, and it's more likely that instead of taking that extra time he's just gained to pursue hobbies and avoid you(a common joke in my old bank was that MDs played golf just to avoid their wife), he'll instead want to spend time with you.
can you provide me ways that i can be a giver? The only thing I know is gift giving and I give a lot of gifts to him but I also want to be verbally supportive and know what to do on the days that he is struggling or working late. When we used to text I would always tell him to have a good work day in the morning and say hope work went well for you today before sending a goodnight text but overtime it became one sided that I just felt like I became a bother and stopped texting him in general. I thought we were in a good place, but this post shows me we’re not and so what else can I do to be supportive or what can I change?
I'll try to give some bullet point ideas instead of going over all the in depth relationship theory
“The strength of a relationship is not based on how many times you can call your BF or spend time with him, it's based on how much you can give to each other and grow together.” If the relationship is one-sided like she claims, what is she getting out of this situation? Genuinely curious.
Looking at what you're getting out of a relationship is kind of a poor thing to do IMO. I mean, obviously that doesn't mean your needs don't matter, but it seems less like the girl is not getting her needs met and more like her and her BF have grown really distant as a result of their different views and expectations of the relationship. In my own experience, when you meet someone halfway they often meet you the other way.
The girl here is making the mistake of thinking her BF loves and thinks in the same way she does. She thinks because she likes morning texts, he will. She thinks because she likes gift giving, he will. That means she feels like she isn't being well received and he feels like he isn't being loved in the way he needs. It's a disconnect.
I'm not saying the BF is perfect. He isn't. There's so much more he can be doing. But we can't advise him because this isn't his post. All we can do is give this girl the best advice possible. Either way, she'll be a better person for it. If she breaks up with her BF, at least she'll have a better view on relationships and boundaries. If her BF starts meeting her halfway, their relationship strengthens for it.
This is the way
A relationship is about loving unconditionally, and understanding always. You're doing neither as of right now.
I didn’t give any insight on what our relationship dynamic is like so how do you know what I am and am not doing?
To provide you with details, my partner is 32 and has recently started working in IB. Before he used to work as an accountant in CITI but didn’t enjoy the work so he changed directions. Now since he works more hours he told me that there would be days when he just won’t be able to text me at all and I said okay, but overtime we just stopped texting and the only time we would talk is when we see each other whenever he is free. The lack of communication throughout the week makes it feel like distance is slowly being created and so when I told him that he said he would try to text me throughout the week to ease my mind. And so our relationship consists of compromise so no need for you to say that I am giving neither understand and unconditional love when you don’t know the full story. All I asked was for advice on how to make it better and easier for him.
Despite the great general life and relationship advice from 217 above - based on your reply here I'm going to have to take a different opinion. If your partner is 32 and you are also around that age and a family is on your agenda, realistically this is going to be hard to make work because the clock is ticking.
You guys are at stage 1 of working through these issues and realistically even if you execute on some of the comments here and get him to be more engaged in the relationship, you still might decide this is not the lifestyle you want in a partner. If he just got into IB - he has at minimum a few years before it gets better in any meaningful way. That's why most people start at 22 where you have zero semblance of responsibility or impact on another person's life other than your own.
I think you need to understand where his 5-year focus is at and ask yourself realistically whether there is a tangible what 'making this works' look like or if you're always just going to be chasing the phantom of your partner that was there before they moved into IB. Contrary to one of the commenters above, although you supported him/knew he was getting into this from a career perspective, you cannot predict how your feelings change because emotions are by definition irrational and unpredictable. I would try to figure out if this is going to work for you - and really go all in. We're only getting snippets of the story - maybe you're really happy with your job and have plenty going on outside of work and this is a more subtle thing where a few small changes could have a big impact. But based on you're phrasing if you're spending a ton of time thinking about this and stressing about the life you were imaging disappearing, it's going to be very difficult to rewire your psyche to move past that and biology does not wait for anyone.
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