How to accept not being good enough?
Hey everyone. This is the first time I have made a post here and I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm sorry if this gets too long, but I really needed to get this off my chest.
In school, I used to be a high achieving, super competitive person with big aspirations. Unfortunately, I was rejected from the universities I wanted to go to and I lost the motivation to do well in my exams. I ended up at a non-target university. My parents were incredibly disappointed and were ashamed by my grades, as was I. Everyone we knew had done really well and had offers from elite universities, so that essentially compounded my failure. They kicked me out the house and I stopped talking to all my friends, since their success just made me hate myself for my failure.
I have tried extremely hard to network and get internships. None of the former alumni from my university work in high finance, so it was quite hard to reach out to people. I have completely lost count of the number of applications I have made. I have been rejected every single time. I see all my old friends at the best target schools getting amazing internships and it just makes me feel worthless the way my life has ended up. Everything was my fault. It was my fault I didn't work harder. It was my fault I didn't get better grades. It was my fault I ended up at a bad university. This has made me depressed since I always think about where I could've been if I worked harder. I have grown to hate myself even more.
Over the past few months, I have had several moments of introspection and I have really tried to overcome this negative attitude, but my external environment (low career prospects) has kept me miserable. I struggled with accepting that I am not good enough to get into my ideal career and that there are far superior candidates who will always be preferred to me. I have reluctantly lowered my expectations but I still can't deal with the fact that I am not good enough.
I have realised that crying solves nothing (lol) and I am not going to suddenly wake up one day as a different person who can solve my problems. After countless rejections, I have decided to give up on the IB/high finance dream and have accepted that I simply am not good enough. I look at the profile of successful applicants and it just makes me feel so useless and inferior. I have started seeing a therapist to help with my self-esteem issues and to work on hating myself less. My parents don't talk to me and I have no friends so it has been pretty hard.
I know that this industry in general is incredibly competitive and many of you reading this will probably laugh at how 'weak-minded' I am, but for every successful applicant there are far more unsuccessful applicants you don't see. Growing up, we are not really taught how to deal with failure and many people struggle as a result.
I am going into my final year of university and I am ready to start applying for full-time graduate roles. How do I 'settle' and accept something less? I know this whole post sounds very entitled, but I have been struggling with this issue for a long time. Every time I try to do something positive I always remember my failures and how successful my old friends have become compared to me. For those of you who are didn't get into what you really wanted, how did you cope? How do you give up on your dreams and move on?
I would genuinely appreciate any advice. :)
Thanks.
honestly it’s in situations like this where having a no-regrets policy is so helpful.
It looks you are holding on to the fact that you didn’t make it into a top uni or countless no. of applications are being rejected - and that’s holding you back even more. Just stop thinking about all of that because there’s nothing you can do about that. Can you change any of that? No right?
I’ll tell you what - all the way up till senior year of high school I pretty much underperformed on a regular basis. Not gonna get into the reasons behind it but the moment I got to my non-target uni I forgot all about how I failed to do well in high school or even before that or I couldn’t get into a top ranked school. Instead, I concentrated on the present which in turn would affect my future.
I decided okay here’s where I want to get to, here’s where I am today, and here’s what it’ll take to get there. And mind you it wasn’t easy because it took me 8-9 months of hardcore recruiting to actually get the internship I wanted. I faced so many hurdles and countless rejections too until I got the offer but I never gave up. The day you give up, it’s over uk.
So, I would say forget the past (the longer u hold onto it the bigger it’s burden will be), and never give up. You will eventually get to where you want to be as long as you continue to put in the effort and work towards it.
Best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago, next best time is right now.
comparison is the thief of joy, seems like a lot of your reasons for doubt and self-hatred are comparing yourself to others. Obviously to say someone (as a human) can just stop comparing themselves to others is impossible, but you can make steps to focus on what YOU are doing. Maybe delete your linkedin and IG for just a week and build a routine that you find gives you purpose? Try it for a week (don’t cheat!) and see what happens? Try things you have never done before, start a new hobby? Once you start to appreciate your optionality in life and the small things around you it will help you find purpose and build a plan that you can commit to. Good luck, and be happy about what you’ve accomplished thus far. I’m sure many people would be happy to be in your shoes!
I can't tell you how many people who aren't "good enough" have great jobs on Wall Street/in finance. I frequently look up the profiles of people I see on CNBC, and there are countless times when I look them up and say "They went THERE?" With "there" being an unimpressive college. But what they did was work hard at learning what they needed know, and they networked like hell and eventually someone gave them their break. This can happen to you. All you have to do is learn the basics of the area you want to go into, practice talking-the-talk so it at least sounds like you know what you're talking about,have a genuine interest in your desired field and be personable when you get the opportunity to talk to people -- not annoying and verbose, but be polite, be brief and be pleasant. If you have a good attitude and you seem knowlegable/passionate about what you're talking about, SOMEONE is going to give you a chance.
But first things first -- you gotta form some relationships... that's the spine of a happy life. Try to reconcile with your family, and if that doesn't work (and even if it does), you have to start trying to form some friendships. They don't have to be best friends, but try to meet people who share similar interests as you: join a gym, a ping pong or chess club, softball league, Escape Room Club (is that a thing?)... the point is, when the professional part of your life is shit, you need to have these relationships in life to fall back on. And when things are good (and they will be if you don't give up), you want to share and celebrate these things. Bottom line, start putting yourself out there so that you can meet people so you can start having relationships and experiences with other people. As long as you're not a downer or negative person, it's gonna happen. Do this simultaneously with starting to develop your professional plan: figure out what you wanna do, then figure out how to get there. That might mean taking a Back office or middle office job somewhere, or transferring to a school that has investment/finance clubs that will give you a network of people that will help propel you to where you want to go. But the point is, form a plan to get your goals, and then you'll have HOPE... and then take the required actions to help you achieve your goals, and you'll wake up everyday with a purpose and a plan of attack. This alone should put you in a better mood, and will also increase your chances of getting where you want to go. But don't forget, you have to work at also forming relationships so that you can improve your overall life and happiness, not just your professional prospects.
I'm telling you, work hard at what you need to do, start relentlessly contacting people on Linkedin and persevere even when you get a ton of rejections -- and it's gonna happen for you. Might take 6 or 12 months, but it'll happen. Good luck.
First of all, be proud of yourself for getting to the final year of university while overcoming the personal adversity of being kicked out of the home. But, you need to wake up and realize there are so many VALUABLE career paths OUTSIDE of "high finance." Yeah, it doesn't sound as "cool" to work in marketing at mid-market tech company or in FP&A while you see others get into big brand names like Goldman, etc. but that doesn't mean you can't find a good starting point.
I had a TBI in high school, had to relearn to walk and read, and was only accepted into a non-target for a fucking liberal arts degree. I picked my ass up, wiped the chip off my shoulder, and decided to make the most of my situation. I found I had a knack for writing and by the end of my undergrad I was writing and delivering briefings for my company's (no-name tech company I interned at and then got promoted to consultant) executive team, government defense partners, and other stakeholders. I was discharged from treatment after five years, finished my undergrad on time, went straight in for my MBA, and now lead a strategy program, working 60 hours a week, at a MM PE Portco making 160k a year at 24 years old. Is it Goldman? No. Is it responsibility, manageable hours, and good money? Absolutely.
"High finance" isn't the only path to success and you need to remember "it's what you make of it." Pick your head up and make the most of what you got, you won't recognize yourself a year from now. Find a skill you are good at, find a niche where you can bring value to a company with this skill, and make your company and yourself some fucking money.
PM me if you need it.