Pet Peeves / office etiquette

Obnoxiously loud typing. My office has an open layout with close seating arrangements. There is a guy next to me that aggressively bottoms his keys and intermittently slams the enter key with additional intensity, creating this cacophony of noise that’s very distracting / disorienting. It’s all done with a certain performance flair as if his emails are an expression of art. 

I hate it when people walk in on me assaulting my meat. Like fuck man, isn't the gorilla-like grunting enough to deter you from kicking down my stall door?

1 - It's less of a problem now, but cell ringing or buzzing cell phones. I know that seems like a small thing but I worked at a tech company where phones were all over the place in a whisper quiet environment. Used to drive me crazy. But I think most people know to keep their phones completely silent now. 

2 - People having way too personal conversations. Even if they're not doing it on purpose, but still loud enough to hear it. It's so fucking unprofessional to bring your dirty laundry to work with you. Plus, these are also the same people (guaranteed!) that are essentially circling the drain on their way out, whether they realize it or not. I remember one time I had to sit there and listen to a guy talk about how his wife cheated on him and she was currently pregnant and didn't know if the baby was his or the other guy, now had appointments with divorce lawyers, blah, blah, blah. He was gone 4 months later, never to be heard from again. Talking about personal crap like that at work is both disgusting and embarrassing. Have some self respect. 

Ppl who ping you saying “I just emailed you”

One intern kid chews with his mouth open. Dude, we’re not in kindergarten.

1- People who read your computer or emails or messages that come when they’re at your desk

2- People who sneak from behind and try to figure out what you were talking about or ask

3- Sound notifications or phone sounds on

4- Being very loud on phone calls or in-office conversations

5- this one annoys me so much: using things from people’s desks when they’re not there or without their permission

6- very strong perfumes

7- wearing weird clothes even if casual dress code

More senior guy grabbing my mouse thinking he can do a better job, but getting frustrated while trying to figure shit out on the spot. Waste of both our times.

Verbal comments

I like to hang up most calls with “I love you” (office culture is very important to me) but my teammates don’t always say it back. They did at first, but I’ve noticed recently they just get quiet and hang up.

One of my MDs even called me back after I hung up to ask me what I had said (I guess he had a spotty connection) so I told him I loved him and he didn’t even say it back.

I reached out to HR about this but I guess they had already heard about it, so I’m meeting with them Friday to voice my concerns.

Sam and his bullshit. Old coworker, but let’s go down the list:

• f*ck off with the tuna and eggs dude. I get you are trying to “do keto” but you smell like hot garbage constantly and you bring that dumpster aroma into the common area trash cans. I go home and shower most days because I can still smell your mouth breathing fish and egg stench on my clothes.
• Mouth breathing. it’s loud and it makes me feel like I’m under attack whenever I go into the office. If I was a woman, I’m positive you heaving next to me could qualify as sexual assault
• I don’t want to talk to you or hang out. We are coworkers. I get you don’t have friends, but that’s not my problem. More importantly however take a hint! If I am clearly busy I don’t want to hear about your recent trip to the botanical gardens with your snaggle toothed girlfriend and her gaggle of heifers.
• Along with the above, you aren’t going to get to be my friend by being aggressive or trying to make me feel awkward. Saying things like, “WhAt, Do YoU jUsT nOt HaVe TiMe fOr Me ThOt wE WeRE frIENDs?” Doesn’t make me want to talk to you more, it makes me want to commit a murder suicide. Stop with this shit, you gangly sociopath.
• Talking about your portfolio/ the markets when we all know you don’t have a clue about any of it. You work in banking and have to go through compliance every time you make a trade, stop acting like you are at a hedge fund or have a clue about markets. 
• Crypto and your friend that made a killing and bought a house. Great dude, I’m stoked for your friend. Please bring it up next week because maybe by then I will have forgotten, despite that fact that every week your eyes get wide and you tell the same story if anything relating to markets, crypto, tech, or anything even mildly close is mentioned.
• Hovering around me and being a little bit closer then socially acceptable. I am constantly questioning whether you are trying to kiss me or not and that’s so many levels of wrong. I shouldn’t have to feel like I need a ruler to keep a proper distance from you. If we were at a middle school dance they would throw you out, but somehow a BB let this shit fly.
• T-Rex arms. This is the one thing that maybe isn’t your fault, but I still hate you for it.
• Talking about your lifts as though they are impressive or anyone cares. How can you be so into lifting and so oblivious of how weak you are. I hit most your numbers as a sophomore in hs, then like everyone else, I grew up and stopped telling everyone every time I PR’d.
• Talking about deals and being overly obsessed with transactions. “Wow, this deal is really crazy. I’m in a fast power process deal where we really are doing a ton of deals” If you use the word deal more than twice a day, re-evaluate.
• Using banking lingo or making banking jokes and snickering. “Plz fix, thx” hehehehhehehehe. Sam I get you think the MD’s are gods and you would lick the taint of any MD if they asked, but you bobbing up and down laughing at your own joke that you send to me via teams about banking lingo is pathetic. I wish I could send you to Guantanamo for it.
• Treating interns poorly. This is the one where even the kindest soul who maybe thinks I’m being overly harsh on Samuel “die in a hole” last name, likely joins my cause. This inbred autistic little shit has 0 empathy for new hires and is a consistent perpetrator of making interns feel like shit. Dude, they have never done this before. Stop getting off on putting kids down. I get you were bullied your entire life, but it’s disgusting that you give interns the silent treatment or make fun of them for not knowing things despite the fact that they have never done the job before. Every single time a person gets staffed with you I cringe because I know aside from huffing egg farts they will build horrible habits such as being afraid to ask questions or hating finance because their introduction to the role was working for what is best described as a walking limp dick penis.
• Lastly, as others have said, loud typing is pretty whack. Along with this though, a bunch of people in IB love to brag or overemphasize how busy they are or how much they don’t sleep. I could not stand when you’d have some people that were like loudly and quickly moving things on their desk and pounding their keyboard while huffing and puffing. Yeah, you had a shit night, so did most of us. Stop making it every other persons problem by being such a self absorbed twat that everyone feels bad about the environment they are working in. 

A big pet peeve of mine is when team members call you out of the blue without warning / expecting and get mad if you don’t answer. Office etiquette in any job is to message / email someone and ask if they have a minute to chat or can they call, etc. before calling.

This especially applies outside of business hours. I shouldn’t get a phone call from a team member on Sunday mornings or early morning on the 4th of July from team members expecting me to pick up and be by my laptop always...especially when the call is not one that was expected.

Unfortunately I'm typing this about one particular VP at my firm.

• Cold calling when I'm in a meeting. You guys make us use Skype / Teams, so at least look at our status or check our calendar.
  • Same thing applies to when someone swings by your desk when you're clearly on a video call.
  • Getting called on weekends / after hours with little-to-no warning. It's Saturday, I'm not going to respond in 5 minutes every time.
• Disagreeing / proposing a different plan with your superior who could care less about your opinion. Why ask me if you're just going to reject each of my points and not listen to what I have to say?
• Teams / messaging me while I'm sharing my screen in the same meeting you are currently in -- clearly I'm busy and if it's that urgent, you share your screen and I'll handle it
• Sending me an email asking me to send an email to a third person -- if you already typed all this out, just send it straight to them (plus it avoids the off chance I misread / misunderstand your email and don't ask for what you were intending)
• Asking me to print / set up calls when they have an EA. Admins are literally paid to help you with your schedule, please let them do their job and I can go back to mine (making you more money)
• Asking me to do something without telling me what it is for or looping me into the conversation after it is finalized. Mush!
  • I get sometimes things are better left on smaller chains, but please at least let me know you sent it so I can close my loop on it.
• Not knowing when things are urgent and when things aren't. Stop trying to impress the partner by making me work over the weekend because you are afraid of managing upward.  This isn't a live deal, this can be done Monday morning.
  • Not respecting the weekend in general is tough one. I get you love your job, but to some of us it's just a job and we do things on the weekends.
• Unreasonable deadlines -- if you want me to finish something by Wednesday so we can get out Friday, please don't want until Friday night to comment after I get it to you by Wednesday.
• 'Oh are you working on other things right now?' Yes, shockingly I cover 4 port-cos so I'm not your sole slave.
• 9am Monday meetings. Is that really necessary?
• 6pm or later Friday night meetings -- is this really that urgent?
• Sending Teams / Zooms instead of dial-ins because "you like to see each other's faces"
• Keeping a repulsive office. No wonder I don't want to swing by.

Holy cow I need a beer now.