Good Follow Up Letter?

Dear _______,

Thank you so much for taking the time to present at the ______ Business School tonight! I really appreciated the opportunity to learn more about the financial industry and particularly about ___Bank Name____. During the presentation I was very impressed with what I learned of the culture and the work environment of the firm, especially with your role within the ____________ group. I'm very excited to learn a bit more about ______Bank Name_____ and especially about your role in the firm. I was wondering if you have the time for a phone conversation or an in person chat sometime in the next two weeks? I would love to learn a bit more about you and the firm at your earliest convenience. I can be reached______phone number_______or via email at ________________. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Best,

I'm wondering if this letter is too long or too complicated for a follow up or first time introduction. Additionally, Is it too soon to ask for a few minutes in person or on the phone after informational session.

Thanks for the advice.