Tell me a joke.
I went to an interview and was asked to tell a joke. I told a simple one.
How would you respond?
Mod Note (Andy): See more jokes in this thread from 2017: https://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/interview-…
I was asked this same question at one point last year and I panicked for a second, then dug into the recesses of my mind and pulled out:
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I did not receive an offer.
That's a brilliant joke.
HA just pissed myself laughing.
Maybe my sense of humor is garbage (significantly non-zero probability) or just a shtty day but that is fcking hilarious.
Would've gone to bat for you, FWIW.
look at my sig
Hahaha ayy!! That's fantastic. I'm unsure of what's more embarrassing, that I told this joke in an interview or where I happened upon this joke (at a Nickelback concert in 2004).
Had an interview where I was asked this. definitely don't recommend this at all but I still somehow got the offer (I prefaced this by saying that it's not indicative of my views and it caught me so off guard and I could only think of one that I'd seen on FB the day before):
A racist, misogynist, and a homophobe walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll it be, President Trump?"
Again, not at all indicative of my views but I straight up couldn't remember one
That joke is freaking hilarious though lol
Tell him/her you got reservations at Dorsia. What a joke! We all know getting reservations there is impossible.
F*ck Paul Allen!
ahha I laughed, take my SB
Q: What's the shortest joke in the world? A: Your penis!
I don't know why, but this made me think of that Seinfeld episode where George was trying to tell some guy he worked with and hated, "Hey ___, the jerk store called. They're running out of you!" Kramer just goes, "Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife!"
Classic.
great episode.
Yeah that's a tough one. Definitely avoid the racist/political angles. Something dark/depraved might be ok if you can quickly judge the person, else a terrible dad joke might be the way to go.
I was always advised to have one joke prepared as this was an uncommon but possible interview question. Having a joke on hand can be pretty helpful in many situations.
Why does a midget always giggle while walking on grass? Cuz it tickles his balls.
Got asked the same back then in my interview and like to ask it too in the interviews I conduct (or another good question : tell me of the last time when you were sh*tfaced drunk and did a hilarious thing).
My advice: regarding such situations: be prepared. Tell industry-related jokes. And try to set the stage prior; it's always hard to be funny on the point ...
Interested in hearing few of the best answer you received.
Tell him you are the biggest one. Then leave the interview.
I lol'd.
A plane is on its way to Paris when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Paris and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Paris and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Paris."
I loved it! My friend told me the same joke. It makes laugh all the time
Yeah, this is a good one. With my luck the interviewer will be a blonde and this is the only one I can remember....
Ahahah would be awesome! Let us know
And the interviewers keep waiting until you finish this seven-paragraph joke?
Two guys walk into a bar, they both say "ow"
A joke that was told by my boss when I was an intern on a trading floor : -What’s the difference between a prostitute and a Broker ? -The prostitue doesn’t change her prices depending on the size.
I suppose that could be a fun one to tell in an interview
One of my friends was interviewing for a non-finance position a few months after graduation (having been unemployed since graduation) and was asked to tell a joke. After being asked, he paused for 10 seconds or so, then responded that he couldn't think of one on the spot.
Then after a few more seconds, he said: "Well....I actually do have a joke about being unemployed....but it still needs some work."
He is no longer unemployed.
Good stuff, absolutely have to file this one in the memory bank. It's just the right amount of quick, witty, and off the cuff.
I would've stood up and applauded.
Haha this is great
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a glass of blood. The second one also orders a glass of blood. The third one asks for a glass of hot water and takes a used tampon out of his cape, while the others look in surprise. "What? A guy can't make tea now?"
Another came to mind.
A gay couple is going on a vacation and board a long-haul overnight flight. They get on the plane, it takes off and after an hour or so the cabin lights dim and the passengers fall asleep. One of the guys turn to his partner and says 'hey...want to fool around?' and the other replies 'of course not! We're on a plane and everyone can see and hear us'. The first guy insists and says 'I guarantee you everyone is asleep and no one will hear or see us. To prove it I'll ask for a glass of water, if no one replies then we can have some fun'. The partner accepts and the first guy stands up and shouts 'a glass of water please!'. No one answers and no one seems to look around. Having seen that they're in the clear the couple start having some fun.
The next morning the flight lands and as passengers are walking down the main aisle to leave a cabin attendant notices an old man shaking as he leaves the plane. She asks 'what's the matter sir?'. The man replies 'I was so cold last night and had to sleep in this freezing temperature!'. The flight attendant asks 'why didn't you ask for a blanket?' and the old man replies 'the man in front of me got ass fucked for wanting a glass of water, what the hell would happen to me if I asked for a blanket?'
hahahaha! Gold
What do you call a chicken coop with 4 doors?
A chicken sedan
Keeping it pg with the dad jokes i see.
What's the capital of Greece?
About 3 Euros
Ha! Good one! SB
"About 3 gyros"
Dad?
I would just show the interviewer the return assumptions used in State and Municipal Employee Pension funds. If they don't find those hilarious you don't want to work there.
Or maybe show them the guy on YouTube who is an expert equities investor because he started buying stocks in 2009.
I think I got this one from WSO...
An aspiring analyst is interviewing for a position in the MD's office, and while they are discussing the opportunity his assistant walks in and hands the MD a stack of resume's that just came in.
The MD sets the resume's on his desk, grabs the top half of the stack, and dunks it in the trash. The interviewee protests "You didn't even look at those! Why did you throw them away?" MD says "I don't want anyone unlucky working at this firm"
When you say the word poop and when you actually poop, your mouth makes the same shape as your anus. The same is true of explosive diarrhea.
You can probably pull this at any bank other than DB: Q: "Tell me a joke" A: "Deutsche Bank's stock price"
Ah cmon, we can do better.
What about like...why is Deutsche net short Trojan?
Cuz they started to pull out
Still pull that at DB, because dishing out a sick burn like that is way better than actually working at DB
There is a family of three bears, and the parents are getting a divorce. One day they head to court to determine who gets custody of the baby bear. The judge asks the baby bear if he wants to live with the papa bear.
The baby bear responds - "No, he beats me." Shocked, the judge asks the baby bear if he wants to live with the momma bear. The baby bear responds "No, she beats me too."
The judge doesn't know what to do, so he asks the baby bear who he wants to live with. The baby bear responds - "The Chicago Bears, because they don't beat anybody."
A banker, a trader, and a lawyer are on death row and are faced with the electric chair. On the day of their execution, the warden comes to them and says "Listen up, gentlemen. One at a time you'll sit in that electric chair, you'll have a chance to speak your last words, and then you'll die."
First up walks the banker. He sits in the electric chair and the warden asks "any last words?" "I'm innocent" says the banker. The warden pulls the switch and nothing happens. He then says "Huh, that's one in a million, you're free to go" and lets the banker walk.
Next up walks the trader. He sits in the electric chair and the warden asks "any last words?" The trader says "I'm innocent." The warden pulls the switch and nothing happens. He then says "Huh, that's one in a BILLION, you're free to go" and lets the trader walk.
Last up walks the lawyer. He sits in the chair and the warden asks "any last words?" And the lawyer replies "before we get into that, sir, your chair's unplugged"
I've heard a similar joke, except it was a guillotine and the last person was an engineer. The engineer mentions that the guillotine isn't working because it is blocked. He is subsequently executed.
It is hard to make an impression with a plane joke. I usually use this one to impress my audience:
A father was fucking his son one day when he said: "Now you get it why it's so bad that your mother died."
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Yankees’ bullpen.
A man boarded a plane and was seated next to a stunningly beautiful woman. After the flight took off, he struck up a conversation. The woman told him that she was flying to the destination city to attend a conference on sexual myths. The man became extremely interested in the direction of the conversation. He asked her with a smile, "so, what are some sexual myths I should know about?" The woman casually replied, "well, people think that black men are the most well endowed, but that's not true. It's actually Native American men. And people think that Italians make the best lovers; it's actually Jewish men." The man replied, "fascinating indeed." The woman then blushed and said, "I'm sorry; we've been talking for a while, and I still didn't get your name."
After a brief pause, the man blurted out with gusto: "My name is Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."
this one got me, i'm dying
A financial adviser calls his client. "I'm afraid have some bad news and some worse news. Which would you like to hear first?" “The bad news” says the client. “All your money will be gone in 24 hours.” “Oh my God,” the client says. “And what’s the worse news?!” “I should have made this call yesterday.”
This is the one im gonna put in my joke bank
What did the options trader say after a long day of trading with heavy losses? "It's time to call it".
I agree that in an interview situation it's not wise to be "bold" with your jokes. Definitely nothing religious, sexist, right-wing, left-wing, any-wing, blonde, Irish, Jewish, not politically correct ... you get the picture. Some of those jokes are very funny, but they could bomb in an interview.
It's always good to have some clean and preferably industry based jokes to hand. Short is good too.
Anything accountancy, finance, trading, business related is generally good. Some suggestions:
Or you can be cerebral about it and come up with something that the average joe wouldn't understand: - Four Laws of Accounting: 1. Trial balances don't. 2. Bank reconciliations never do. 3. Working capital does not. 4. Return on investments never will.
If you want to take a bit of "risk" I wouldn't go further than these:
And the below may be funny but would still be on the wrong side of the fence in an interview environment:
I had a second round interview with a startup and the CFO (who was wearing a Miami Dolphins jersey during the interview) concluded the interview with this question.
I simply replied: "The Miami Dolphins."
I did not receive the offer.
the priest, pedophile and rapist comes into the bar and tell the bartender to pour me a drink
So there was this lumberjack that stumbled upon a magical forest. As he was walking through the forest, he was looking for the perfect tree to cut down. When he came upon one, he rose up his ax and just as he was about to chop the tree screamed "stop! I'm a magical talking tree.."
The lumberjack took a second, rose his ax back up and said "Yes, but now you'll* dialogue*"....
Interviewer: Tell me a joke Me: I’m going to have a great work/life balance as an analyst!
Thoughts on actually saying this in an interview?
bump, more jokes please
Here's 3 jokes, ranging from a quick riddle to a couple of longer jokes...
Why did the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt? Pyramid schemes.
A husband's getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing her shower and their doorbell rings. The wife wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. Opening the door, there stands Bob, the neighbor from next door. Before she says a word, Bob says:
"I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After considering for a moment, she drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds and a satisfying glance, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Wifey wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks:
"Who was that?"
"It was Bob from next door," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Tom's a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. His sickly father told him he was going to inherit the business and a fortune but his father's one wish was to see Tom married and settled before he passed on.
One night, Tom attends a financial planning seminar, It's being given by the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. She's bright and personable to boot. Tom falls in love at first sight. He tells her, "I may look pretty ordinary, but my father will probably die soon and I will inherit the family business and a large fortune.” Impressed, the woman asked Tom for his business card, and three weeks later, she became his stepmother.
what do you call someone who fails out of med school?
a dentist..
https://twitter.com/Dadsaysjokes
..You're welcome everyone
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