25 y/o male - lost friends without even realizing it
I'm turning 26 soon and have realized I barely have any friends left. I would probably not even have a lot of friends to invite to my wedding, and I would probably not be invited to a lot of their weddings.
I see people who have a constant flow of friends and I wonder what I have done wrong. I've moved cities quite a bit (every 4 years in school) and moved after college, then covid happened.
More than people coming to my wedding, I just want more people to hang out with and have a good time with. These days I often have nothing to do over the weekend (and of course I see stories of friends attending raves, holidaying, going to house parties etc).
Seems like you might need to take a break from social media and focus on yourself. Join hobby groups like gyms or yoga or some shit - that helps with meeting people
hobbies, gym, sports, clubs, interest/meetings, apps for making friends, church, and ask existing friends for introductions.
It's common to switch out existing friends throughout the years as we mature/get into a different lifestyle. Even more so if you move cities/countries.
Life isn't always what Hollywood wants us to believe.
A large portion what makes/retains a friend is within us, not them.
Don’t listen to “switching out friends” guy above; those aren’t real friends anyways, they’re acquaintances. People can downvote if they want, but it’s extremely difficult to make “real” friends after ~25yo, barring something like graduate school (MBA) or military service. This has been shown empirically time and time again, with there being an epidemic of male loneliness and surveys reporting that most middle-age men tend to have 0-1 close friends. Your parents, and then you, fucked your future self because you lived a rootless life, and continuing this will only make you more lonely if you don’t focus on it.
Now for the suggestion…if you were close to anyone growing up and felt real kinship, but unfortunately grew apart, then CALL THEM TODAY. Sure, they may not live by you, but make this a habit; the connection is what matter. Have a 15 min call to just catch-up, and make sure to do this once or twice a month. Don’t be a lazy asshole and text them, call. In reality most people appreciate this, although society would have you think otherwise. And going forward, if you make any real friends, you have to work to maintain it, remember that.
It's ok to have a different view, of course, but I also wanted to comment on it. When people movie cities (or even countries), it is very hard to retain friends in another location or even time zone. Under ideal circumstance we would all stay friends forever, but that isn't always a possibility.
I agree that real friends stay for life, regardless of anything I said. But it's really rare.
The point is I doubt OP is only looking for drinking buddies or someone to play pickleball with. It’s clearly a post from someone who desires real connection and recognizes that life is less fulfilling without good friends, and that his fault or not, he messed up along the way. So continuing to emphasize “friends evolve” will only leave the guy more disconnected and lonly as he approaches his 30s.
It’s no surprise to me that rates of depression continue to skyrocket in younger generations given rootless cosmopolitan life and the subsequent lack of real social connection.
You can absolutely make real friends after 25 - the argument that you can’t is just a coping mechanism. This question comes up all the time on WSO, so re-pasting my response below
You need to find something you enjoy doing, then find a group online that does that thing, and then go do that thing continually at the same place. Just some examples below:
You don't need to be nervous about going to these things, because they're filled with people just like you - people who are looking to make friends. You'll eventually start seeing the same people each week and get to know them (ask lots of good questions / focus on being interested rather than being interesting). You'll figure out that you have other hobbies in common, and boom - you have a friend (or friends).
It snowballs fairly quickly - once you have one friend, it's even easier to make more.
You may not like most people you meet right away - and they may not like you right away. But that's why it's important to go back each week. You'll like people more over time, and you'll also loosen up a bit. And not every event you go to will have a future friend in it, but again, that's why you have to go every week and not give up easily.
If you find a hobby and do it with people weekly, you will have friends in no time. If you don't, you just need to keep trying different groups
I've reconnected with a lot of old friends even decades after talking to them last. I know that it feels awkward reaching out to someone after you haven't talked to them in years but every time that I've done it, I've been absolutely shocked how happy they were to be back in touch me. Even if it's nothing more than a good hour long phone call to catch up and they live 5 states away, do it!
Never too late to reconnect with old friends and make new connections man, get after it. It's a little awkward at first but you'll get into the swing of it
Hey man, I grew up exactly the same way with the constant moving around across countries etc. I honestly agree with Cyberpunk's comment above about trying to deepen relationships with your current acquaintances, real friendships evolve over time through trials and tribulations - two of my closest friends right now are from when I was working in Big 4 audit pulling 14-16 hour days for weeks at a time!
I must say though that I'm jealous of people who've been raised and have continued to live in the same city for their entire lives, maintaining their circles of friends when they were 6/10/15 onwards. I'm 28 now but the oldest friend I have is from when I was 16, everyone before then is a distant memory and even this person doesn't live in the same city as me anymore. It's one of the downsides of the nomadic lifestyles we had growing up.
Lost my entire life 11-25 to depression and behavioral issues and depression from 3-11… I really am struggling with this too. I failed to really gain anything from life due to this and am just now building my life now that I’m 1) properly medicated and 2) have changed my outlook on life dramatically. Any advice for anyone basically starting from zero at 30 would be appreciated
From personal experience (was briefly medicated / brief stint with therapy in mid 20s), it varies from person to person. Best way for me was reaching out to childhood friends who were in my grade - I had very few friends growing up but I'm very close with two of them and got introduced to many friends of theirs during the pandemic.
I went through something fairly tragic in my mid 20s that made me constantly on edge and reclusive (minor PTSD and I lost friends from a friend group from my early 20s who disappeared and never makes an honest attempt to hang out with me which deep down still hurts because its the only group of friends I genuinely felt had lasting power).
I also rejoined the gym and spent less time alone at home (I'm naturally more introverted even though I don't seem like it when I'm in social settings). Getting a pet also got me into more of a daily routine and kept me busy. It was also a great way to meet people in the neighborhood with pets and make friends.
Largely agree with Fjsjrjdns. You're fighting an uphill battle and doing so at an age where people increasingly allocate less time to regular friendships due to romantic relationships, work demands, and family. Simply put, I don't think that trying to develop your rock climbing acquaintance into your best pal is the most effective strategy here.
If I were you, in addition to reconnecting with my closest past friends (no matter their geography), I would be investing significant time into finding a serious long-term girlfriend. In the near term, you would have someone to do things with on the weekend (in addition to a host of other benefits) and you would gain access to her friend group. However, more importantly, if the relationship goes the distance, you are golden. Once you settle down and have kids, life becomes super structured again. You make friends with the neighbors or the cool couple in your wife's lamaze class. You are all going through challenging, new stages of life (like back in school) so it is easy to forge strong bonds (help each other out, offer advice, etc.). Maybe you see your college buddies once a year for an annual poker game or something. But, either way, it doesn't matter because you've shrunken your support circle down to your own immediate family and the truly deep friendships that you consistently maintain (long distance is easy for these types of friendships). Maybe you occasionally grab a beer and watch college basketball with the other dad you coach soccer with, but you have more important things going on most of the time.
There's no denying that having an "urban tribe" in your 20s is a lot of fun, but it's overrated. For most people, that tribe is largely comprised of shallow/acquaintance-level friends anyway (whether they realize it or not). Don't spend the next 4 years trying to force your way into a group just to have everyone pick their heads up at 30 and move on. Use this as an opportunity to get a jump on the next (and more important) stage of life and give your kids the stability to develop the foundational friendships that you desire.
Get a girlfriend or find one friend. Infiltrate their friendship group. Make friends with them. Now repeat and make friends with your new friends friends. Also try not to force this or it won't happen properly.
Not sure how it is with older people but pretty sure it's common for wives friends and husbands to all do stuff together.
Agree with a lot above, some solid advice and thoughts. Couple things I'd add:
-ask yourself, what really is a friend? I don't mean that in some grand way, really just mean, if you think about it, a friend is someone you meet a certain point in your life that you share some connection with, but not every connection. So, you have friends in school because you all go to the same school, or friends from where you live because you all live there. As stated, sometimes those are more acquaintances, sometimes those are deep connections.
-its okay for friends to change as you go through life. Most people think of friends for their wedding as the OP said, but that's when it diverges a little too. You may get married your friends may not, you may have kids, your friends may not (I know some people who literally got married/had kids because their friends were doing it but so be it.) It's not bad to have the same friends your own life, but its somewhat rare because you need to be on the same page with them your whole life. It could also be bad because it means no one has changed over time. Or, as sometimes people in this forum, you may just be different from the people you grew up around. I see some guys I went to school with growing up and its crazy how different our lives are now.
- don't really equate yourself with what people do online. I know people around my city who roll around as "friends" in a group, but really are just drinking buddies and I don't think would be true friends in the end (some can be though). Also realize, some people need friends because they don't have strong families, some are very close to their family and don't really go searching for friends.
-finally, as stated above, try to join different groups that interest you, that way you have similar interest and it will be something you enjoy/keep going to. But also realize, as you grow older, friends become more acquaintances because you only need to have one thing in common, i.e., if you do golf and crossfit, you have golf friends and crossfit friends. Put another way, you aren't looking for someone to match every aspect of your life as a friends. Also, try to "network" to make friends and just because something doesn't work one time doesn't mean don't try it again. For example, I moved to a new city and joined a kickball league, didn't make really any friends my first go around, so I tried again. Ended up the 2nd time making really good friends, who also introduced me to another team I joined where I made great friends, like guys I go on trips with and are coming to/in my wedding. So later in life friends can happen, just keep trying things you like.
Stop caring about being friends with anyone who isn't going hard at 90-100 hour weeks consistently (whether its job or also side business, learning new skills, whatever), and make sure you are doing the same for the rest of your 20s. Your late 30s and 40s (when you are at your peak) will thank you for it and friends will come naturally (assuming you're not a complete weirdo).
Easiest way to short cut this is to find someone you get along with and suggest going on a trip to Italy, Greece, Croatia or somewhere else that’s fun. You will immediately form a life long bond from the experience.
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