Be real; just how bad is SF for single straight men?
I currently live in L.A. and absolutely love it here. Amazing weather, lifestyle, so much to do, beautiful women. I'm Asian American but not the "typical dorky" Asian guy; mostly have non-Asian friends, have interesting hobbies, outgoing, tall, fit. I date mostly fit blonde white girls but certainly have dated other types as well (that's just my preference).
But one problem: I'm not satisfied with the career trajectory in L.A. I make decent money but not as much as I want to and it's been difficult to find remote or L.A. based jobs that will allow me to get to the next level.
A recruiter reached out regarding a job in SF Bay Area for a Big Tech company for a role that I am very interested in. The job would unfortunately require relocating to SF. Don't think I will get it but if I do it will be an agonizing decision. Classic case of more money+better job vs city that I don't want to live in.
The worst part of SF (as the title of my thread suggests) is dating. The girls in SF are mid and the dating scene seems like a nightmare for guys. Moreover, there is a racial angle to this. As an Asian American guy who mostly dates white girls, I have a theory that guys like me would not do well with white girls in SF because there's just too many dorky Asian bros and that will automatically put me in the "Asian guy" category. In LA, I live and hang out in areas where there aren't that many Asians so I actually stand out and am able to be my own person. So I'm extremely worried that my dating life will be abysmal in SF and result in depression & angst.
So give it to me straight. Just how bad is it or am I exaggerating? Is there hope in SF?
Finally, aside from dating, I REALLY REALLY do not want to be in a city where I have to hang out with mostly Asian & Indian bros. That's depressing.
I thought this was a SF dating topic not an identity crisis
You’ll have trouble dating in SF, but not for the reasons you’re worried about. You sound like a douche based on the way you talk about other people. Might want to start with working on how you view your own race.
Stay in LA, we don’t need that attitude in the Bay Area.
I think it's hard to date if you are a loser?
The truth hurts bro.
Like others have said, you sound like a piece of shit, but I think I kind of get you in a way. I'm an Asian American guy, third gen so I don't speak a word of my grandparents' language, 6'2", fit, been scouted to model professionally, former varsity athlete, and grew up somewhere where there weren't many Asian people. Like you, I used to pride myself on how not Asian I was because I didn't fit the 'mold' and the vast majority of Asian people I had encountered until that point in my life did. I only dated white girls before going to college, and essentially all of my friends in both high school and college were white. I'll circle back on this later.
From a dating standpoint, SF does suck. Girls here skew less attractive, the ratio sucks for guys, and I've found that social groups tend to be established well before people move here for work and tend to stick together which makes it harder to meet new people. It's not hopeless, I still get hundreds to thousands of likes / matches on dating apps, meet some girls I'm interested occasionally on a night out, and hook up with girls when I really feel like it, but I can never get over the feeling that it could be so much better / easier. I would say it is overall difficult for me to find girls I am interested in actually getting to know / would want to spend time with. I'm not into blonde white girls, but I'm also not particularly into Asian girls, for what it's worth.
That said, I do sometimes feel like there's a halo effect around me because I'm not your typical SWE / nerdy Asian guy. So girls in SF who are into Asian guys but aren't into that are super into me. If you're truly everything you mentioned about yourself in your post to the extent I am then I don't think it makes sense to worry about blending in. In fact, surrounding me with that just makes me stand out by existing.
Now to circle back where I started. You sounds like me at 21, though a bit more of a prick. For your sake I hope you are no older than 23. Eventually it got exhausting trying to purposefully distance myself from being Asian all the time. I don't go out looking for it, there's still not a year I've know what day chinese new year is without someone (usually white, ironically) telling me, no way I could order my 'favorite' dishes at an asian restaurant, etc., but I'm not embarrassed to be Asian in any way. I now have a mix of white and Asian (and other races) friends, do things that each group likes to do, and honestly it's great experiencing the variety. Moving here at 22 was the first time I experienced a huge portion of the stereotypical Asian American things that I used to scoff at. I used to despise the nerdy Asians like you do, but now I'm indifferent. I don't hang out with them because they're not my people, but I no longer dislike them for existing. You mentioned in your post wanting to be your own person, don't go about that by constantly trying to prove what you aren't.
Nothing you said in the long winded post contradicts my main points.
It's true that on average, dating is tougher for Asian guys, especially those who date interracially. And unfortunately, there are negative stereotypes we have to work hard to overcome. It's also true that on dating apps Asian guys on average get worse results, so again, we have to do more to go against those stereotypes.
This does not mean that you can't have Asian friends or that you're embarrassed of your identity. My point is simply that certain strategies should be adopted in order to optimize for dating because whether we like it or not, race/social stereotypes/media portrayals do have an impact.
It's pretty funny that I'm labeled as a dick for just pointing out uncomfortable realities.
Buddy, you didn't make any points. That's half of why no one is answering your question. You framed this as a "does SF dating suck" question but changed it to an 'I'm totally not Asian as an Asian' expose. Ironically, I'm the only person to have addressed both topics.
No idea why you're trying to tell me that dating is harder for Asian guys like I'm not well fucking aware of that as an Asian guy who grew up in a white area...
People are calling you a dick because you present yourself as an asshole, not because you're "pointing out uncomfortable realities". I mean, you literally stated that you 'don't want to have to hang out with Asians or Indians' for no reason at the end of your post.
It sounds like you wanted to make this a 'dating as an Asian guy' topic rather than an SF topic. Frankly, I don't think this is the place for that as the site obviously heavily skews WASP.
You can't change reality. I of course don't like how we're undervalued in the dating market either. If I was white this would be a walk in the park, but as an Asian guy I'm automatically ruled out by a huge portion of people and often put up against mid white dudes. It sucks but it is what it is. But trying to shit on other Asians doesn't help your cause. In fact it does nothing other than make you look insecure and like a dickhead. Hence the comments. Like I said in my initial comment - if you really stand out to the extent I do then you have nothing to worry about in terms of blending in. No one has ever thought I was a nerdy software engineer.
I wouldn't wish living in SF on my worst enemy. jk, never lived there.
average SF hater be like...
'It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor.' - Seneca
Stay in LA and feel lucky about how good you currently have it. You'll only regret moving to SF.
Thanks!
I wrote about SF on other threads, but your topic has an interesting twist.
If you like hot non-Asian girls and they have yellow fever, they’ll gravitate to you if you’re stand out good looking (along with Asian girls). In fact, it can be an advantage that you contrast with others in your race (this applies to every race).
I want to note. Every - I’m mean every long term “love” relationship started out serendipitously. While you’re hoping to up your odds, nothing is totally predictable. Take care of yourself (physically, career wise, socially, mentally) and go out and do things interesting to you. You might find that hot girl who’s like, you stand out from the dorks living in Silicon Valley, and her personality is great.
And if you can: BYOG (bring your own girl). Dating problems solved. Go bring some LA chick eye candy to the Bay. Be part of the solution.
How many hot girls you see on the street are actually single? What percentage?
Over the weekend, I had a friend visiting SF from LA who’s single and since I read these topics, I asked if LA was much better. He said there are more hot girls, but not necessarily single. He mentioned supply and demand.
Also, when you’re out in LA or NYC, how likely are you checking out college-aged girls, since there’s a bunch of schools in the middle of those cities?
On a side note, I was on Berkeley campus for a conference and there were groups of beautiful girls in their graduation outfits taking grad pics. I’m in my 40’s so I’m like wow (whenever I go back to my undergrad, I’m like wow), but you boys need to stop worrying about the odds. The chances of you meeting your love of your life will always be serendipitous.
Your posting history indicates you're going to struggle in SF.
Outgoing, tall, fit, and love hanging out with your white bros?
Honey, come to SF. We get head in the Waymo.
Edit: did not realize he’s straight.
Lot of self hate here lmao
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