Thank you everyone who commented

Don't... Just don't. You need help. Call a doctor 1st thing in the AM. Ask to be seen immediately and use the words "I want to talk to a doctor, I'm depressed and experiencing symptoms of Suicidal Ideation". You have a lot of baggage to unpack and need to speak to a professional therapist. Suicide isn't the answer and it sounds like you have unresolved issues that you need to work on to help. If your current therapist isn't helping, find another one who can help. If you're experiencing suicidal ideation, go right to a psychiatrist (someone who can prescribe meds) because you may need medical intervention. Killing yourself isn't the answer man... you need to focus on getting better first and foremost. 

I’m sorry to hear you’re at this point. Have been there and it is just awful. All I can say is

1. Life gets better. There will be a time where things feel lighter, you are happier, and things just make more sense. It might be a ways away, but usually things get better.

2. It sounds like your mom is a really toxic source of abuse in your life. As you get older and move out, you can distance yourself from her, and hopefully that helps you get to a better point.

Stay strong my friend. I know life can be full of pain, but there is goodness and beauty to be found if the course is stuck through. I nearly took my life 6 years ago, and even though I’ve had tragedies and suffering since then, I’m glad to be here. I’ve met people who have made life beautiful, found joy in nature and connection, and accomplished things I never thought I could. No matter how low you are, there is always hope for things to get better.

Hang in there. You got this.

I think you should, in addition to the other help people have mentioned, make sure you go to that good business school you mentioned this fall.

There will certainly be stress and other issues with college classes, friends and clubs, and of course all the things around IB if you decide this is your goal, but if it can get you out from under your family, and away from your mother, then I think you will be in a better place to think.

Edit: Also, an achievable goal and a set date are critical for dealing with mental health and feelings of suicide, speaking from experience. 

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please call 1-800-273-8255 immediately. Hang in there. 

I believe in you.

Please know that someone cares - everyone who reads this cares - everyone above who posted cares - I care.

Please use the resources above - we care

The first thing I will say is that I can't claim to really, really understand you, and I don't think most responders here can either. But what I will say is that whatever decision you make, remember that emotions in life are surprisingly transient, and there's a lot out there you aren't even aware of at this age that would make life incredibly fulfilling. You never know how you might feel tomorrow, or in a month, or in a year - so don't let a single night that gets bad rob you of all that opportunity. Go to the business school and meet people. Consider other paths besides IB. Find and pursue meaningful hobbies and interests. As hard as it may be, continue to work on yourself - people ignore this step and try to socialize too early but the reality is that it's going to make your social life significantly better if you can. Maybe find a friend or someone also looking to slim down to work through it together. And maybe see a therapist in addition to the hotlines linked around. 

Again, I cannot claim to really truly understand what you're going through. And I won't preach to you as if I do. But I empathize to the fullest extent I can, and hope you appreciate that effort enough to find some motivation and fight left in you. I firmly believe you can make it if you so choose.

Also, you may be inspired by David goggins. He also came from an abusive family and was overweight before turning his life around 

Based comments, just give it a bit more and move out for college and you won't have to deal with anyones shit if you don't want to

I won’t sugar coat things and say everything will get better fast, because it takes time.

But I will say that you’re close to turning the corner. So giving up now would be foolish. Let me elaborate.

It appears as if the main toxicity in your life is your mother and you’re now of the age to finally be free. You’ve gotten accepted, you’ve got an escape route. I urge you to at least get to campus and see how you feel once you’re free of her chains.

People peak at different times in life. Very few peak in high school, it’s a tough time for most. And the ones who peak in high school tend to be the loser in adult life.

So while life has appeared as a struggle so far, you need to realize that for someone like you, the freedom of adulthood is likely where you will peak.

Don’t do anything rash now. Get to campus. See how life is away from your mom. Once on campus, take out student loans so you don’t need to rely on her again. Try to get internships or part time jobs in the summer, so again you don’t need her.

People always give trite advice like “it will get better”, but in your particular situation it likely will, because the main chain around your neck will be far away.

As to banking being you’re escape plan, that’s fine but there are many other jobs where you can make bank. My friends at Google and Amazon and Facebook make much more on average than my banking friends. There are many avenues to financial freedom.

And another way to achieve your financial dreams is to live below your means. Sometimes the simplest answer is the most elegant solution. I have many friends who make mid 7 figures and are unhappy when we hang out and I have friends who make peanuts at 150k a year and are really happy. Why? Lifestyle creep. Just live below your means and you will never be beholden to anyone.

Lifestyle creep is real and always keep that in the back of your head. Set goals, like always saving 20% of your paycheck no matter what. You don’t need banking to escape.

And my final comment is that banking is really not at all like this forum. These stories you hear on this forum about 100 hour weeks, seniors speaking down to you, emails constantly over the weekend - these happen like 5% of the time to 5% of juniors. Me and my friends have worked in banking and PE and hf for over a decade. I’ve stayed in touch with tons of people from undergrad and b school, most people in finance are not jerks. And it’s very rare for any junior to just be straight up abused, especially in todays cancel culture.

Don’t let the “fake” stories on here deter you from trying for banking or make you feel like you’ll be abused.

Think about it this way. Why do people post on forums? Mostly to complain or ask a question. Or to troll, which I admit I do a lot cause I think it’s funny.

But the people who love their job and life are not going to make posts about how awesome their life is. You’re only going to hear from the losers or cry babies or the people who actually have a legitimate issue, so it seems like the whole industry is full of senior people with napoleon complexes, but it’s not true dude.

There are just as many jerks in finance as there are in life. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet man, none of this stuff is fact checked. Heck, even our news sources lie these days. Fox News was sued a while back and their defense in court was that any rationale person would know we are entertainment entity not a news entity! So just take anything you hear with a grain of salt.

I’m not going to say your pain will go away easily, especially your weight issue. Being fat sucks, no two ways about it. But I believe that once you are away from your mother, there is a good shot things will improve.

So just get to campus and see how life is when you’re independent. If you still feel miserable after college and graduating and getting a job, then do what you feel. But you’ve got to give life a shot, because college can be really fun and invigorating. It’s not like high school, where everyone knows everyone and there are cliques. In college you can reset you’re life and be whoever you want. And no one is gonna bother you, because student bodies tend to be so huge.

And my final advice is try to get laid once you get you’re weight down. Sleeping around does wonders for depression for a guy.

Can only reiterate what the others said. And if you don't want to help or live for yourself, there was this anon who beat suicidal ideation and a fucked up childhood because he became interested in shrimps and started farming them and caring for them. Gradually, he learned how to love life again. Interstellar was right, love really is the most powerful force in the universe.

And obviously, get laid. It's not a great remedy, but think of it like drinking cactus juice in the dessert, better than nothing.