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This pretty long, you have to remember that bankers probably get 100s of these come recruiting season so I would shorten it. I would remove the second paragraph and shorten the 4th one and just include your resume instead so the person can get a better background and they can decide if they still want to talk.
Thank you! Just to be sure, is this better?
My name is John Smith, and I am currently a junior at XXX University studying finance and economics and am very interested in pursuing a career in investment banking
I understand you’re very busy, but I’d like to have the opportunity to talk to you and learn more about your firm and any possible unpaid internship opportunities.
I am an avid learner and believe that I could be of service to your firm while gaining a great deal of experience. I have attached my resume to provide a background about myself
In the OP you said you were studying finance and accounting, no? And your profile says intern in PE… smellin a little fishy out here
I would just go with the below:
"
My name is John Smith, and I am currently a junior at XXX University studying finance and economics and am very interested in pursuing a career in investment banking
I understand you're very busy, but I'd like to have the opportunity to talk to you and learn more about the firm culture and your experience with XXX firm thus far.
I have a strong interest in XXX industry and be excited to learn first-hand about the XXX industry. I have attached my resume to provide further information about my background"
I would you the phone call as the opportunity to ask "Is the firm currently looking for interns for the spring/fall/summer?"
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