Did therapy help
So I'm a first year PE assoc and kind of classic but getting worked hard and kind of feel a major lack of purpose in my life. Broke up with my gf a little while back mainly due to not being able to really prioritize the relationship adequately and now I just feel like I'm going through the motions and my default state of emotion is pretty numb/anxious/sad. Feel like I've lost touch with who I am and just do stuff largely for appearances. I workout a few times a week, dress nice, but I rarely feel 'good'. Was wondering if anyone relates/if therapy helped?
Therapy does help but its part of the solution not the solution itself, you still need to put in effort and understand what causes your current feelings. This happened to me when I was a student so I understand how it feels to an extent.
What was your path to come out of it? It sucks to go through my days like this, I feel like I'm also becoming increasingly unpleasant to spend time around as a result
I started therapy but also tried my best to focus on my daily routine like working out, making sure I'm eating healthy, etc. I know this sounds simple but when you're not feeling the best its easy to lose focus on basic things which compound and make it worse. Try finding even 15 minutes to do something you like, it could be cooking, watching some TV show or whatever. Also, if you do see a therapist, make sure he/she understands your background and how you were raised, including the culture you were brought up in. imo that had a huge effect on why I was extremely sad and isolated later in life.
I didn't know why I was feeling that way but I did go through a bad breakup in freshman year so maybe the breakup is weighing on you rn too .
Therapy can be amazing or completely useless. In my experience it really depends on finding a therapist that you can connect with personally that feels more like a friend that your shrink. Also, big plus if they're actually good at their job and understand you psychologically. I say give it a shot, for some people it works wonders, for others they find fulfillment and fix themselves in other ways.
Best of luck to u bro. It's not easy all the time but you'll be better off because of it someday
Yea I know it likely won't pay off soon but I need some help getting my mind in order and this seems like one tool to maybe help with that a bit
Highly recommend it. You may need to go through a few therapists but even just having the space held to vent about anything and have someone listen for an hour a week really helps me process stuff. I tried a few insurance-covered therapists and they were all horrible, but the one I moved to out-of-network is still 80% covered so maybe look into reimbursement rates.
Also if your firm is chill and if you have a small conference room you can use, try and schedule it during the workday over Zoom. Maybe lunch hour once a week. I really disliked going through a hard workday and then going to therapy at the end of the day during my personal time, but taking the time out of the workday while I eat lunch is much more palatable
I was thinking Saturday mornings which I reliably have off. Did you use BetterHelp or something else?
I used Alma just to find insurance-covered folks and tried a lot of really questionable therapists (i.e. really "woo-woo" people encouraging me to do energy work, one took our session from their car while driving home?). From my experience and my friends', the therapists who use BetterHelp, accept insurance the normal way etc are the ones who have higher turnover and would not be successful otherwise. The BEST therapists have a steady practice and don't need to do that. Same with weekends, great therapists don't need to do it.
I switched to stalking people on Psychology Today, I found an out of network practice that does all of the billing for me, I don't have to do anything for the reimbursement. The therapists ended up being so much better than all the dicey in-network folks I used.
Good luck! Finding someone and getting started is 1000% the hardest part.
If you have time to go in person that can be really nice - obviously remote is more convenient but I always found it more comfortable to be in a room with someone where they can read your body language and you’re talking face to face. I do remote now but with the current therapist I see I did a year in person.
Also I have the impression (which might be wrong) that telehealth therapists are lower quality. This isn’t always the case, and you might find some great providers who like being able to work remote, but generally I think the therapists working for the large telehealth players are less experienced than those with their own practices and also forced to take more patients, etc. I would definitely look for providers in your area or ask friends/family for recommendations. Just thought worth mentioning in case you do some intake appointments and don’t like the virtual therapists.
I also second this. I try to go on Friday’s during lunch when I know I am WFH. Unless I’m getting blown up on a live deal I usually can take the hour, and if needed I just move the appointment to another time during the week. Makes it feel like less of a chore by doing it during the day.
I have a mental illness so therapy was needed by a psychiatrist, but I found a dream psychiatrist in 2011 and have been seeing him since then. I didn't believe in therapy when I was younger and thought people just needed to suck it up and deal with their problems, but psychotherapy is really a science and has helped me greatly. I used to go more often to therapy, but now just need a 'tune up' 2x per year for 45min.
Yes, therapy is worth it. As others have said you need to make sure you find the right therapist for you which can be kind of a pain at first. Also it’s good that you are thinking about pursuing it yourself because, as with anything, it’s much more effective when you are motivated to do it (vs. being forced to do it).
I’ve been in and out of therapy my whole life. Had some family issues when I was younger so was required to go. And then when I got into college I went through some tough things and started going on my own. Was super helpful, just to be able to vent and talk through complex emotions. I believe a good therapist will gently guide you to exploring your feelings and coming to your own conclusions, vs. solving your problems/telling you what to do. I stopped during my first year of banking and then started again in the second year during a terrible breakup. Stopped again for a year and then started again a few months ago. It’s nice to have it there when I need it. I have great friends and family I can lean on but a therapist’s job is literally to listen and be there, and they have so much more experience helping people navigate crazy life situations than an average person.
+1 for therapy. it helps. it’s easy. it’s cheap. just give it a try. like others have said it won’t fix your life automatically but it’s a great way to process emotions and it give you tools for managing stress/life difficulties
Good if you lack the emotional intelligence to understand the root causes of your own problems/motivations/decisions/etc. and need to develop that skill set.
Good to process short term adverse events (sickness, death of a close family member, job loss)
Good if you suffer from legitimate trauma (not boo hoo my parents are divorced) and need to navigate through it
But you shouldn't be in therapy in perpetuity. At some point you need to develop the ability to reflect on your own life and also have the courage make positive, meaningful changes. Otherwise you are just paying money to basically vent, do nothing, and feel better. Again, if you were molested as a kid or watched your friend die in combat then by all means that support should be lifelong.
However, for 90% of us it's just a bandaid because we are too chicken shit to take accountabiltiy for why we feel driftless in a life and society that at its very design is meant to envoke those feelings.
I hated therapy so much that I fixed my life because I didn’t want to go back.
Feel free to PM
I’m going to go the other route.
Most people on here are saying therapy helps but find a therapist who is like your friend or having someone listening to you vent for an hour helps you process stuff.
Like American medicine, this is also a treatment not a cure.
The answer is obvious, what you need are actual friends, not a therapist. There was an oxford study, I think, back in the day which said men need two guys night a week for a better mental health.
What you’re experiencing is somewhat of a quarter life crisis and the existential dread of having no meaning outside of work - which, unless you love your work like your life, fades out pretty quickly.
Unless you’re mentally ill ill, I do not recommend therapy. American culture has commercialized everything - including having a friend.
First step is, like another person said, take 15 mins out for something you love. Sounds pretty simple, but this was my experience when I was busy 100 hours a week, playing 15 mins of guitar whenever I got a chance made me feel instantly better.
Secondly, you need friends and social activity. Instead of Saturday morning therapy, go hit Saturday morning pickup basketball or sport of your choice (or ballet, we don’t judge), or martial arts - very good anti depressant. Make friends that you can talk to (preferably guys, cause girls don’t get this shit). You’ll start feeling a lot better.
Lastly, a lot of mood and good feeling is gut health. You need to eat healthy - sounds absurd if you’ve never studied it. But simple example is, how crappy you feel after finishing a bag of xtra flaming hot cheetos or doritos. It’s just hormones, and you need to know how to influence them. So eat anti-oxidant rich foods like blueberries, healthy fats like almonds and cashews, green veggies, every day. Combine this with physical activity mentioned in 2, your mood will improve tremendously.
Instead of therapist-shopping the next few weeks, try these 3 things for the next month.
If this doesn’t work, sure go meet a therapist or psychiatrist, whatever you want.
People go through the motions of life without realizing how much of it they can control. If you run life as an American on auto pilot you WILL end up miserable. American life is designed to have you overweight, sedintary, spending hours working on meaningless shit that you are likely diassociated with, and in financial debt because you are chasing fleeting feelings of accomplishment via conusmer spending instead of actual accomplishment and development. Instead of being a rugged outdoorsmen (difficult) why not just purchase the feeling and signal to others that you are by getting a Jeep Wrangler or some other product? Most people that go to therapy (which as also been commercialized and scaled via shitty telehealth solutions that VC firms love) know something is wrong but they just think that's 'life'. It isnt.
Fighting these forces takes determiniation and intentionality, as well as prioritizing yourself when you should be. Some things that have helped me live a simple, happy life:
- practicing gratitude
- unplugging, or at least recognizing that most media we consume is provided to us in bad faith meant to scare us. Especially true during an election year
- spending as much outdoor time as possible
- cutting down commute. if you can, get a hybrid job. If you can, walk or bike to work. If you are an average bloke that lives in the suburbs and commutes an hour a day to work then idk what to tell you of course you are miserable as shit
- finding competitive outlets. Country club golf scrambles. Beer softball leagues. Marathons. Find something that puts you against others and take it SERIOUSLY. You dont need to be competitive about everything, but you got to get your blood flowing and recreate that evolutionary response all men have. Work CAN provide this but it CANT provide it reliably and consistently for most of us. Ideally you want something that can challenge yourself and get into the thrill of victory/defeat
- find creative outlets. Wood working, painting, blogging, podcasting, playing music, inventing, whatever. Each of us have something inside of us scratching to get out. If you can make money off it great, but just give yourself time to do something you enjoy bringing into the world. Even if it's lame like a blog about personal finance
- Diet and exercise is CRITICAL. Until you can at the very least bench 2pl8 and run a 7 min mile then no, you are not in shape.
- finding time to socialize , shoot the shit, etc. with friends. Poker nights, watching the game, cook outs, golf, whatever works
- have long term goals, and short term distractions. If you are focused on one instead of the other you are setting yourself up for failure. If you have both though, you will get to where you want to in life and enjoy it along the way
- Have good financial health. More importantly, if you do marry someone make sure they are good with finances too.
And above all find the time for the above and have the discipline/fortitude to protect it and do these things weekly (or daily for physical activity/diet). You likely give your employer 50+ hours a week, if you are married or have kids you give them time as well. Have the discipline to say 'no' and carve out a meager amount of time for yourself. You have the agency to own your life and control it's outcome. Sure we all have bills to pay and work to do, but that's only such a small part of what a successful life looks like.
You find me the average person in therapy (especially someone who is upper middle class/white collar professional) and I guarantee you they are lacking in at least one of - if not multiple - of the above areas. Most people deep down realize something is wrong but dont have the stones to look in the mirror and admit that they need to improve some things. Sure, the way we are stems from childhood blah blah blah. But you're an adult now, no more excuses.
Love these two responses. I found a lot of my friends had forgone their friendships in light of their work, many have ultimately found themselves in a depressive state. Keeping friends, maintaining a robust social life is work in itself but is key to life. I feel like a lot of people, like you said, go through the motions without realizing even where they are in life or what is going on in holistically in the sense of lacking self actualization. I found myself much happier after going through something similar to OPs dilemma. A lot times people can sum it up as “being present” but it’s not definitionally helpful if you can’t break down what that means into digestible actions.
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