People who despise the industry you work for - uncomfortable date story
My first post here but basically for more context, I'm an analyst in PE, and have met a few people who are nice initially, but then squirm when they ask me what I work in and I say PE. Which, obviously, I totally understand (Frankly I'm doing it bc I'm aiming for earlier financial freedom, and potentially good exits when I leave).
One recent experience, in particular, stuck with me. It goes like this - I had begun a casual relationship with a guy in academia (we both established it clearly before going in). It started off as lighthearted fun, but the most recent instance I met up with him, he started asking me what exactly I do in PE. Then he went on and on about all the controversial practices people in PE do, how companies have cratered under PE, and how immoral it is. I conceded and said he was right, and that I have an internal dilemma myself: wanting to be pragmatic and maximize my personal wealth, but also fully acknowledging that I'm working for a questionable industry to get there.
I thought he was just making a passing comment - it actually turned into a full blown monologue about he despises people who are money driven, and that's why he's staying closer to science, how he doesn't feel good associating himself with friends who work for "evil" industries, etc. Then he kept saying how he only tries to surround himself with genuinely good people. Those are good values to have, but I wasn't even auditioning to be his girlfriend/LTR - so the conversation felt heavy. All the while, we were circling around my apartment for nearly 30 minutes trying to find street parking, because he didn't want to pay 10 bucks for a parking in a lot nearby. Oh and TMI cherry on top -- he talked about the biological mechanism behind a breakthrough pancreatic cancer treatment -- yet the first time he initiated hooking up, he didn't bring a condom. It struck me as odd given his extensive scientific knowledge, so I'm assuming it was laziness.
Anyways, more of a vent post actually. He's the most blatant example, but I've met a few others who will also make it known to me that I work for an evil industry. Again, totally valid reaction - but I should probably just avoid disclosing my job at all, even if people ask
Edit: as I said in a comment, I blocked him right after. This came across more seriously than I meant it to, mostly just wanted to rant haha. The premise of this post is also framed around me being bothered by the whole "People hate PE" sentiment -- however, after I had reflected more, the deeper throughline is that I felt incredibly patronized / disrespected by the guy at the moment
Based on the most helpful WSO content, your experience highlights a common challenge faced by professionals in industries like private equity, where public perception can often be negative. Here are a few takeaways and strategies to navigate such situations:
Acknowledging the Stigma: It's clear from your story that you're self-aware about the criticisms of the industry, which is a good starting point. Many professionals in PE grapple with similar internal dilemmas, as seen in WSO threads discussing burnout, career regrets, and the moral complexities of the field.
Handling Conversations About Your Job:
Dealing with Judgment:
Balancing Personal and Professional Identity:
Perspective on the Encounter:
Ultimately, your career is your journey, and it's okay to prioritize your goals while being mindful of the broader implications of your work. If you're ever feeling overwhelmed or conflicted, the WSO community is a great resource for advice and shared experiences.
Sources: Response to 'PE Associate Jumps to Death' -> Resources and Tips for those who may be struggling, Dealing with PM (equities) who is trying to limit your progress, Handling Stress / Burnout in Private Equity, Just got laid off from my 3rd PE job in 4 years - help!, My Associates Hate Me
bro no one cares you work in a evil industry, especially when your a low level spreadsheet monkey, those same people watched the slave built world cup in 2022 and have stocks in companies running metal mines in the third world, they just don't like you can or will make more money than them and this is a semi acceptable way to cope, and if they are not and acc don't care about money they wouldn't say shit and just be like oh nice.
Respectfully this is a blatant cope. You clearly haven't met enough people or been in the right circles etc
No one is more discriminated against than a Wall Street analyst.
Stay strong.
lmao 😭
Are you still hooking up with that dumbass?
If you haven't left him yet then you should act as greedy and evil as possible just to fuck with him. Tell him your boss's boss is on the board of his university or something and isn't happy with things.
lol I blocked him
I understand as a girl you probably can't do this because of safety maybe or whatever but I always have fun with people like this.
"Yup and actually I stole candy from 5 babies this week and I've pushed over at least 6 old ladies and counting". Or something otherwise ridiculous.
When people put you in a negative frame, lean into it and exaggerate - show it doesn't bother you. Otherwise they will just feel vindicated and carry on with their tirade. This doesn't always diffuse situations, depends on the other person, but it puts you more in control of them.
Tbh tho idk if this works in the US, it requires a British level of dry humor.
But yeah, as others said, this guy sounds like a wanker, probably closeted. Stop worrying about him.
yea my actual mistake was giving a guy free airtime to project his insecurities and let it get to me. Need to get better at cutting my losses faster
You don't work for an evil industry. Funny. If someone from an "evil industry" offered him a massive grant with a large salary to sponsor his research, I would bet a lot of money that he would take said money from said evildoers and do any and all possible mental and physical backflips to justify doing so.
forgot to mention - when I brought up biotech hedge funds and VC, he said he was fine with it and it was his “workaround” - bc those roles don’t load debt on a company
That’s cuz he’d prob kill for a biotech investing seat once he realizes he ain’t smart enough to grind it out in academia. The high horses always crash down the hardest bc they ultimately just aren’t good enough
Just don't date libtards
The alternative for her is likely hillbilly Joe rogan fans with a collective IQ of maybe 86
It’s a tough world
Soyboys vs hillbillies, no contest. Hillbillies got trucks. Soyboys got electric scooters.
situation like this is happening every day for thousands of men in PE, banking, and consulting. I had no idea that it also happens if sexes are reversed. usually men are tip-toying around, when on dates, trying to say everything women want to hear and nothing that could cause a negative reaction. why did you even continue anything with him after? I'm sure there are plenty of other solid men who'd be happy to date / hook-up with you.
Speaking as a guy in PE's perspective who ran into a similar thing several times, IMO you just have to ignore these types of people. They are genuinely too stupid to be worth the time or headspace required to feel remotely concerned about their opinions. Just step back and think for a moment.
What kind of person hears what you do for a living and immediately jumps to raving about controversies from that industry?
Want proof that he's stupid? There are 5,000-10,000 PE firms in the US. There's maybe ~100-200 that've made the news in any notable fashion over the past 30yrs, and less than half of those who were being featured explicitly over some controversy and less than half of those who were doing something blatantly illegal. This projection on the industry is from such a ludicrously small sample and these people still cling to it as gospel truth proof that anyone in the industry completely lacks morality.
He talks about wanting to stay closer to "science" as if that's where the moral high ground is... the replication crisis would support that a large portion of scientific work not in "hard science" (math, physics, chemistry) is straight up fraud. Is there no evil that comes from science? Is gain of function research from medicine evil if it led to something like Covid? Are nuclear bombs and other weapons systems developed through physics evil for killing tens to 100s of thousands of people? Is the dehumanization of regular workers and mass automation of various fields from mathematics and computer science evil when it leads to unemployment and increasing rates of suicide?
If he wants to make a morality case about professions he better be an organic vegan farmer or priest if he wants a leg to stand on lol
the firm-count point is facts, judging the whole industry off of the 100 newsworthy ones is exactly the reasoning I half-caved to in the moment
The first time it's thrown in your face, unless you know the industry as a whole it's a pretty tough thing to confront head-on and feels demoralizing. Especially if you're just 2-3 years out of school and less than 12mos ago were super excited to have broken in - suddenly you have this random person talking about how evil what you do is and citing cases you've never heard of that when you look them up are real? It's daunting for sure. But just like all "1% bad" talking-point regurgitators, as soon as you dig below surface-level, you can see they're just full of shit and have no clue what they're talking about. No better that the conspiratard IG accounts who name Sequoia and Blackrock as the preeminent "private equity" firms that secretly control the government.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. People who use dates to vent over nuanced topics with people they barely know are unhinged weirdos.
Not reading all that, but yeah you need to focus on dudes that lean further right politically.
It’s not even an evil industry. Don’t convince yourself of that. Just do what’s right to you and you can do so in value creation and pushing innovation forward through increased productivity.
Is this what you tell yourself? PE is absolutely a horrible industry full of horrible people. Nothing like cutting half of SG&A to maximize margins! Let’s acquire XYZ company for “synergies”. You guys are oblivious.
It might be full of horrible people but so is every industry, don’t kid yourself. There’s nothing inherently immoral about making businesses run better. Wasting resources is not a virtue and prevents progress.
Have you tried dating a STRAIGHT man??
I bet he is insecure with what you do babe. It's just a job btw
the only objective moral barometer is asking if what you do lowers the suffering of other people, and the more suffering it lowers both qualitatively and quantitatively, the more "good" or "moral" it is
so in that sense he is right that PE might be immoral, because you put more pressure / increase the suffering of other people (employees/customers) for the benefit of few individuals (you/LPs/carry receivers)
and in any case, capitalism is just an economic model, so can't be used to defend moral models (e.g., "the one who wants it more will pay more for it")
at the end of the day you just deal with these people by making them feel heard, to build some connection, people usually like their views to be acknowledged, so he might end up thinking "he/she works in an evil industry, but he/she is a nice person"
Tbh people who bring this topic up in an accusatory fashion, like OP's dude, are not worth pandering to in this way in my opinion.
They don't want to be heard, they want to make you feel bad.
sums it up nicely
unfortunately I think this is true. He kept saying “Sorry I don’t want to make you uncomfortable” and “no need to explain yourself” but he continued on, even escalating. Pretty manipulative actually
Hating on money/finance/PE is just a cope for non-fully-developed men to justify their weakness. No less, no more.
This all made sense when I read that the guy is in academia, not surprised.
That being said, I wouldn't overcomplicate this. He clearly has low EQ and questionable social skills, while showing zero restraint or self control aggressively communicating his world view by indirectly (almost directly) attacking your character. You made the right call moving on, and you should continue to do so when you meet people like this.
yep you hit the nail on the head, the PE topic was an excuse for his need to tear me down. My discomfort with being associated with villains was there, but really, I was mainly upset at being disrespected / talked down on
Personally I avoid the topic altogether. When I talk to friends who are in the general ~academia, barista, arts, public sector, brooklyn / berkeley~ crowd, as far as they're concerned I work an office job and I'm with them to unwind and think about something else. I have plenty of friends on wall st / in the valley to talk deals with. I'm not going to evangelize how our strategy shortens the j curve or tell them how awesome AI is. Now if they bring it up and know what I do, I'm not going to apologize for the shitty behavior of other funds either. If you can stand behind what your firm has invested in and how it's managed, I don't see any moral dilemma.
If someone is actually a good friend they'll understand why we love finance, and if someone wants to date you they'd better align on at least the most basic of values (that your job is morally acceptable). Ironically if you dug into some of these academics' private luxury beliefs you might find they depend on PE a lot more than they think (e.g., University endowments, privately funded research initiatives). We can be generous and multi-faceted to possibly break the PE stereotype, or reject their characterization if it's not applicable.
Yea this is a valid breakdown. I will say though that my girlfriends don’t really care, ask about, or know entirely what PE is (so I never bring it up). Or, there’s a chance they do know and are against it, but they stay quiet because they don’t want to make things awkward. A few work in something finance-y as well, so they have no issue with it. Interestingly, the negative sentiment I experienced is just from strangers or people I don’t know super well. You see the exact same dynamic play out in dating when some people try to leverage moral superiority early on
This is just a perspective from a guy focused on value creation. So 2 perspectives here..
IMO, he clearly liked you enough to communicate this. No man who’s not genuinely interested would ever take the risk of spoiling the mood and jeopardizing the relationship with a woman they’re already sleeping with. He’d just pretend it’s all fine then surprise you with a breakup. Not to mention he’d only reach out to you when it’s convenient for him to get laid.
As you probably already know, there are 2 types of PE funds - ones that do clever tricks to make money and others that actually create value by helping visionaries build better businesses. Idk maybe would’ve been nice for you to ask him what he thinks about Warren Buffet to see if he is just ideologically driven or if he knows what he’s talking about.
That being said, while most people here are just defending your decision, honestly I think there probably was a much better way to handle this.
There’s a good chance you just shut down a bad communicator with good intentions who actually likes you. Now you risk adding fuel to the fire of PE hate. You could’ve at least set firm boundaries and see how they react before you blocked.
Gonna have to disagree. Women shouldn’t be patient educators for men who lack basic situational awareness. Plus, we were in a casual relationship where we stated terms upfront. I know full well he didn’t intend anything long term, and I had told him explicitly I was planning to lateral to a different city soon. There was no compatibility to test. He just wanted a platform to mansplain and feel good about himself
Did you at least ask why he was telling you all that crap?
I'm not blaming you for telling a story like this. It's perfectly normal to tell a story like this when going through a negative experience. But it doesn't do anyone - including the storyteller - any good to wear the story around like an armour.
I'm just assessing all possible things you could've done and basing my thoughts based on what you're telling me that you've chosen to do. And what it sounds like is that you deliberately chose to take your frustrations out on a loser and come to WSO for sympathy points. And usually if you're attracting losers it probably has to do with how you behave in real life - which means you're gonna be attracting more losers in the future. x
Honestly, just blocking someone is a weak move. He probably started to have feelings for you and whatever he did was probably a bad attempt at due diligence to see whether you're dating material or not. Because if someone sees you at your most vulnerable moment, yet they still decide to stick around, that's a keeper.
Yeah yada yada about how the "Terms were clear about it being casual". But you know casual relationships never work because one person almost always develops feelings for another. Don't believe me? You're gonna have to fight thousands of years of contents all across the world.
I mean losers in high-status circles are great at masking themselves until they're put to test. Why not just pull off a power move next time this happens and have him explain his shit behavior while making him do your laundry? That way at least you won't lose your time.
TL;DR: Weak move just blocking him. Power move would've been demanding an explanation for his shit behavior while making him do chores for punishment. Even if you end up dumping his ass, he'd know better not to mess with women's heads like that nor waste women's time. Point is to make him feel the pain for what he did wrong instead of giving room for him to cope and pretend he did nothing wrong.
Q.E.D.
Men like you are the reason why other men feel it’s okay to not only condescend to or in many cases straight up insult women without batting an eye. You think he was being a douchebag bc he likes her a lot? The fuck is this, grade school, where you yanked the ponytail of the pretty girl in class to get her attention? Grow up. He’s a grown ass man who clearly doesn’t understand shit about the industry he purports to hate so much. You don’t need to defend him with this garbage explanation
I wouldn't know because I don't be messing with weak women.
Oh hello fellow straight, normally-adjusted male.
How does 1 dude acting like a whiny f**got accusing private equity of being evil have any bearing on how other men behave?
Your entire thesis relies on a timeline and a risk profile that don't exist. Date 1: He forgot a condom; I had one and he used it. Date 2: Normal. Date 3: He complained about $10 parking and started ranting about my career. I blocked him afterwards. You made some bold leaps in your assumptions
So the timeline was off. Cool. Doesn't change the fact that you kept sleeping with a guy who didn't respect you, didn't bring a condom, and wouldn't pay $10 for parking. The order of events is irrelevant. The pattern is the problem.
It's not a valid reaction. You women need a spine. Constantly placating everyone's feelings.
He is a clown.
People outside the industry often have strong opinions without really understanding how the work functions. It can definitely get exhausting trying to explain or justify it in casual settings.
Sounds like he was more interested in judging you than getting to know you. Good call moving on.
Oh he's a self proclaimed "science guy?" Tell him yeah whatever nerd. Also wouldn't pay for a garage after 30 whole minutes of trying to find street parking; he sounds like a total poindexter who doesn't value his time at all. To echo one of my fave comments on this site - do not listen to the opinions of poor people.
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