Just got done with a family vacation where I had to miss out on some activities because I had to get time-sensitive work done. My mother (who hasn't worked since the 90s) got angry with me for "not caring about the family" and "working too much". She then goes on to say how my dad was able to take off work for this (he's an executive at a medium-sized company, he has pull at his company that I don't have at mine as a junior employee). What she fails to understand is that while taking a 9-day vacation doesn't outright effect me on paper, it earns me resentment from other junior colleagues, and results in senior members of the firm passing off my work to someone who can and will get it done. Then that same junior gets assigned to the better deals, which in the long run effects your bonus, tenure, promotion track, recommendations etc. (I work at a boutique IB)
Additionally, my girlfriend thinks that its "selfish and unhealthy" that I work too much. The common theme I'm noticing is that it's people who have never worked in business services (IB/Law/Consulting) always have the most to say as far as how everyone 'should' structure their work-life balance. What they all fail to understand, despite explanations, is that I don't choose to work this much because I like working and hate my loved ones. I do it because I'm trying to set myself up for long-term success and want to build a solid professional foundation.
Has anyone here ever felt the same pressures, or been in a similar situation. Older guys, what advice do you have on balancing social/family pressures and other obligations as a young man?
To what extend do you limit interactions with people who can't support your efforts to achieving your dreams? People like my mother and gf always say "we support your big dreams no matter what" but when it comes down to actually being okay with the reality of dealing the daily sacrifices, they get angry.
Thanks guys.
I think no matter which way you dice it. More hours of anything are going to put a toll on any family dynamics. However I do think that if you are trying to make a career out of IB then you you have to remember that taking a few steps back and not putting pressure on yourself to be the super star all the time can do wonders for your mental health and relationships. For when seniors give away work when you leave as long as you are at a good firm, then I am sure your co workers will be happy to give work back to you to get some stuff off their plates.
Also I find that with the GF setting expectations ahead of time is usually the best practice (especially if they don't understand the culture). I have to say my GF has been more appreciative when I can spend time with her during the week because I let her know what projects I am working on and what I am expected to do that week.
That's fair. Gf is fine with it now, but when we talk about our future (read, her talking about our future) she worries that it isn't sustainable. She thinks it'll take a toll on our relationship, meaning she needs more attention and can't do this long term. I am perfectly happy working plenty and giving her 100% of my attention during the moments when I am with her. I have made it clear to her I am not going to give up my goals/mission for a woman. It seems the only people who can't relate to this kind of dedication are people who have never been passionate about anything, or don't work high powered jobs and care about their careers (my stay-at-home mom, gf who works at a daycare, friends who are lazy). It's weird bc my dad, people I know in finance, law, fitness, etc completely do understand.
Boy she ain’t the one !
I personally don't care what other people think of me and place very little stock in other peoples opinions of how I manage my life so it's pretty easy for me but at the end of the day it's your life and your career not theirs, if you let other people dictate your actions especially your career path, you will only grow to resent them later in life.
Very true
Well fucking said.
I think you need to accept what you're asking of your girlfriend is somewhat selfish to be quite honest. You have effectively entered into a relationship with her, and while I am not sure if you see her as a potential lifetime partner, she may view you in that manner and you have effectively said that you won't really be present and that she should be happy with that. From her perspective, why should she be happy with barely seeing her partner, potentially doing 99% of raising your kids and housework when she presumably has friends/family who have more 'normal' relationships where their partners have put them first. You're effectively putting your work first, which is fine - but you shouldn't be pissed if your partner isn't happy with this, I mean who wants to be somewhat important to someone but not that important to be a priority?
Your mom and partners issue is that you have effectively chosen to be a top performer at work, by doing tasks you don't necessarily have to do, over quality time with them (which I presume is already scarce with IB hours)
Not shitting on you or telling you your decisions are wrong but just trying to highlight your partners/moms perspective here.
No offense taken, I think there is a lot of truth to what you're saying.
However, I do feel as though its not because I'm doing extra things that I don't have to do, I think being busy like this is the reality of junior level IB. As far as the gf goes, I made sure to very clear and upfront with her before we even began dating what my lifestyle entails so that I could avoid this exact situation, and she said she was okay with it. Now that she is facing the realities, she is becoming less okay with it over time. I often see relationships in the industry that function well because the other partner is similarly busy (ex: an ibanker dating a lawyer) so they have their own thing going on and aren't in need of attention all the time, and also understand the lifestyle that comes with trying to create a better long-term situation for yourself instead of staying socio-economically stagnant like most Americans. I try my best to give my loved ones what little attention I have, then resent them because they make it known that the time I give isn't enough for them. I also start to feel resentment because they can't possibly understand, because they aren't putting in the work nor are similarly passionate about achieving anything to the level that most people in our industry are. On the flip side, if I was around all the time then my mother would likely think that I'm not working hard. My gf says my passion is what she likes about me, so seems like she's trying to have her cake and eat it too.
Edit: I'm still young, a little confused, and appreciate all perspectives, input, and guidance
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