Getting out there socially after a breakup?
I broke up with my gf about three months ago as I wasn’t happy. We dated for a good chunk of time and she was honestly my best friend and we spent way too much together. We finished on good terms and I feel very happy with my choice but I feel very lonely as of late.
I always kept my social circle small even though I’m a pretty like able guy. Also being an older college student who commuted, I didn’t get the college experience in terms of making a lot of new friends.
I’m now realizing that I don’t have as many strong relationships as I would like and find myself bored since my breakup. I spent a lot of time working on myself again but I still miss going out and being around people. I tried tinder for a bit but having casual sex isn’t what I’m looking for anymore. I think it would be interesting learning how to date without apps as I’m a decently attractive male but I’m not sure how to approach it outside a college setting. I always found it a bit not me just coming up to random girls and hitting on them/asking for numbers.
Which brings me to ask, how did you adjust to social life post breakup? Any suggestions on developing strong new friendships post college? How did you improve your social circle?
I feel like I missed out on developing these things during my early 20s, I envy people who always have friends hitting them up to go out and vacation. The funny thing is that some of my friends who I disclosed this to are surprised, as I’m normally very confident and seem to have it all going for me, but I guess below it all I’m very lonely haha.
You must resist the casual sex and degeneracy of Tinder, which is haram, and embrace traditional courtship. According to the Quraan, Allah says "do not go near adultery, surely it is an indecency, and an evil way of fulfilling sexual urges." Find yourself a Muslim woman with traditional morals and a good family, and Allah will bless you many times over.
dude go fuck yourself you fucking piece of worthless trash
OP do yourself a favor and don't listen to Al-Qaeda over here. Just go to bars and learn how to socialize. If you're older that's something that should be on your radar, so find what bars are popular college hot spots and try your luck. There's plenty of time for trial and error. Or pick up a hobby where practicing will cause you to meet new people like martial arts, rock climbing, hiking, there's a ton (granted location dependent for some).
That's Islamophobic
This forum is not Islamqa.
Not yet inshallah
based Islam
Oooh I have this problem too. Everyone always says join clubs to meet people but the unpredictable hours of IB make this so hard.
I tried a meet up group once but it was very odd, the people were a little not the most outgoing (weird)? Probably just bad experience but I should probably give it another go
Know exactly what you mean! The clubs specifically geared towards ‘making friends’ are always a bit...
Idk also I just feel so cut off from everyone else my age by being in IB - all the other 21 yr olds I see around are like skateboarding and smoking weed. And it feels like people maybe are a bit afraid to approach me lol?
Just go to the bar and have some drinks - you’ll meet people.
What type of bars do you recommend? The times I do go to bars with dates/others it doesn’t seem like I can just go alone and have fun (probably based on the type that I go to)
Go and see what happens. Don't have expectations, remember it's not a formula (we tend to do that to ourselves in finance often). Go talk to people, talk to the bartender, etc. If you go to the same cycle of places long enough, you'll start to build relationships with both the staff (which is a god thing) and slowly, but surely, meet others as well. Hell - half the time you'll end up having people start talking to you, the whole signaling effect and such of people knowing you or talking to you.
I'd stick to upscale restaurants, outdoor patios, etc. Breweries or wineries are awesome as well - you physically can't stop yourself from talking to others at those places, or maybe that's just a 'me' issue. Later at night hit up lounges. Cigar lounges are always a great bet, again, sitting in silence smoking cigars is impossible - if you like them. One last hack - hotel bars. Just avoid the escorts and you'll be fine - or don't avoid them. Your choice. But seriously if I'm ever in doubt, you'll always find people to talk to there.
My final aside - I used to hate going out by myself when traveling, etc. - then I realized, as I got older, it was purely driven by a lack of self confidence and worrying about others perceptions of me. You know - that voice that says don't look lonely, needy, creepy, etc. when sitting by yourself at a bar or when you are out. I mean - just think about it. Why do people go out? They go out to meet people, talk to people and simply not be at home by themselves. We set so many expectations, needs, etc... we actually get in our own way.
Something I think a lot of people fresh out of college don’t realize is that you’re going to have less friends in the real world, and making friends is hard. It’s not as easy as “go sit at a bar”, most people will avoid you at all costs. Focus on work friends, and branch out from there. That’s kind of how you have to do it in the real world
I feel that. Besides the breakup, your story could be mine. Between high school and college, I've been to 5 different schools (just finished undergrad). I have a lot of experience being everybody's acquaintance and nobody's close friend. Surface-level conversations are easy, but being myself is very difficult. But I've put in a lot of effort over the past couple of years, and I've made some great friends along the way.
By far the best connections I have made were made from dudes who I meet through some hobby, mostly lifting and sports (soccer and bball). The first one is a dude I met at the gym. We would give each other the bro nod every time we saw each other, then one day we started chatting in between sets, got lunch together another day, started playing FIFA with some mutual friends, studying together, etc. One thing led to another and this dude became a very dear friend of mine.
The other close friend I made was a dude who started out as an acquaintance and a party friend. I ended up joining his intramural team, and as I got to know this dude it turns out that we are very similar in many ways. I never tried getting to know him prior, I mostly treated him as a friend I could party with before this point. But when I made an effort to get to know him we became close. We're on opposite ends of the country now, but every other week or so this I'll have a phone call with him completely out of the blue. We will chat for 30 minutes as if nothing in the world has changed.
A more recent example (wasn't able to spend much time with this dude as I recently moved) from the gym is a brother who was benching a fuckton of weight. He wasn't able to get his last set up, so I came in for the spot. We had a brief convo, talking about how it'd be sick to lift together, and exchanged #s. There were 2-3 solid dudes I met at the gym in the past couple of months just from casual conversations between sets.
A couple days ago a bro who was squatting in the rack next to me made a funny comment in between sets. Perfect chance to talk a little more and grab his number (no homo). These opportunities present themselves way more often than we think, but we are never looking for them b/c we are glued to the damn phone.
Besides that, I made some decent friends just inviting dudes out to double dates with the gf and one of her friends, inviting them to go out with us, or just seeing if a couple of bros want to go out for a boys night. I will say that women are the great equalizer in all things: if you have a date tell, her to bring along one of her friends and you'll have no problem finding a bro friend who's down to go as well. But either way, try inviting a couple of dudes to a boys night or just for some FIFA or something. You'll be surprised to find that many, many people are a little lonely these days.
Do something with your hobbies (combat sports, regular sports, lifting, etc.). These are great, great places to meet people. BJJ is dope. Everybody there is earnestly trying to improve their life. Lifting is less dope but still good. Some good apples, some apples who are just trying their hardest to sleep with other apples. Soccer/bball/volleyball/etc is dope. Just get lost in the sport and the chat becomes easy.
The most important thing is this: become a friend to yourself and you will be a friend to mankind. You are already a good looking dude, confident, no problems talking to people, awesome career, and you're self-aware enough to admit a bit of weakness. Realize that you have an awesome life to be lived and great connections to be made. Go out into the world with a smile. Make eye contact with people and chat up strangers (both men and women). It might seem a little autistic at first but that's because everybody is glued to their fuckin phones these days. Start chatting and smiling at people and you will reach a point where you want to have these interactions. Humans are social creatures, and we deprive ourselves in our isolation. As you do this you will become much more comfortable in your own skin. Once you're here everything becomes 10x easier.
The second most important thing is to want to make friends, not because you want people to hang with, but because you like them and because you enjoy spending time with them. It seems like a stupid distinction but it will clarify which dudes you will best connect with. If I knew this earlier I would've avoided wasting my time with several bros that I partied with just to chase chicks.
Having been on both the better end of this tale and on the worse end of it, I wish you the best of luck. Loneliness is not fun, but it makes the other end that much sweeter. To be sure though, it is a constant battle, so stay frosty my friend.
Maybe you need the help of a psychologist.
Nothing wrong with that I guess, but I’m not depressed? More like I got too used to having a girlfriend and neglected building relationships.
i’m in my mid 20’s and also looking to meet new friends/bros. Shoot me a pm and maybe we can connect
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