GF wants me to move to her home town in two years
My GF (24F) wants me (23M) to move to her hometown (southern state) in the next 2-3 years. She grew up there and all her home friends and family will be there. I am from the midwest and we currently live in NYC. I have a great group of friends here, and so does she, and I have a ton of friends + family back in the midwest. The majority of my university friends are in Chicago and my family is very close to the city.
She continues to bring up how we are going to move south and move in together, get married, "get her a ring", etc. I feel as if I am trapped a bit. I love my gf but i dont think she recognizes the sacrifice I would have to make. And honestly, I do not know if I want to make that sacrifice. Ive been thinking about this for almost a year now as she brought it up in a "oh we are moving to X". I suggested going back to our college friends area (chicago) first or trying ANY OTHER PLACE versus just a closed-conversation on where we are going. It sounds like this is an ultimatum for her: Move south or reconsider this relationship. She shot it down like it was nothing, and continues to say her part of us moving. A bit lost and do not know what to do.
Edit: We both went to school in the midwest and have the majority of our university friends in Chicago
have you tried...talking to her about it?
You need to be honest that you don't want to move to the south, or at least want to compromise. If that is a dealbreaker for both of you, then it's probably time to walk away. Either you love each other enough to find compromise, or one of you will make a concession, otherwise this isn't going to work.
Ive talked to her about it in the sense of expressing that I would rather go somewhere else first, regardless of its chicago or another city. Haven't had the next step of that convo which is going to look more serious, i.e. "I do not think I want to move to X as of right now". Might be afraid that if I say this, the relationship could weaken and be the beginning of the end.
If that conversation weakens your relationship instead of strengthening it, then you were never going to last anyway
If it’s the beginning of the end, then it’s better now than after marriage or kids. Sometimes there are fundamental incompatibilities that surface in relationships, it could be religion, wanting kids, or geography. You both may be wonderful people who don’t work together.
Is her hometown somewhere with a finance scene eg Atlanta, Charlotte, a place with a decent general business scene but weak in finance eg Raleigh, Nashville or a small city? Being close to family is huge if you have kids and they are willing/able to help.
Really seems like she's giving an ultimatum. There's making sacrifices and then there's sacrificing everything. Long story short, think about it like this - 5/7 years from now, you're living in [INSERT SOUTHERN STATE HERE ], married to her, and working there (think about what opportunities are there / remote work options).
Would you be able to (1) be away from NYC / Chi friends for majority of the year (a lot of my friends live in Bos and Chi, and I live in NYC as well, so I know what that's like), (ii) would you be able to not live in NYC at such a young age (i.e. would you have fomo from the nightlife and food options, the sports, feel like you're losing out on potential career opportunities), (iii) is she the one, are you 100% sure?
I'm not trying to frame those negatively, but those are the three glaring things that come to mind from what you said. If you are fine with moving from NYC and then going back and visiting a few times a year, etc. and you think that she's the one, then more power to you. However, if you think that 5-7 years from now you'll be encased in fomo from hearing stories / seeing posts of your friends in the city, feel like you're job is dead-end vs what could have been in a city like NY or even Chi, then this will only lead to resentment towards GF which will turn the relationship sour. If you move with her, it's not her fault, but it will be impossible for you not to feel that she forced you and resent her for it. At the end of the day, it seems like she's giving YOU the choice. Think about it, but either way it's easier to either get in with the plan to move south, or communicate that that isn't what you want and end things sooner rather than later, no one wins by delaying (not saying you should end things, just saying that it's one of your two options).
Did not expect such an eloquently spoken and wise answer on WSO, Especially from LauraBushKilledAGuy. Thank you man, much appreciated.
Anytime man
KEKW
how long have you been dating? looks more like she wants to see commitment, in the form of proposal or moving away together. She clearly wants to have those conversations and you feeling 'trapped' is concerning. Why aren't you communicating your vision of when you will propose, where you will settle down together, etc? Seems like you haven't communicated your intentions and she's filling in the gaps for you.
separately, you being interested in Chicago is selfish in the framing of a relationship (your friends, your family). that's not an alternative for her because why would she want to goto chicago? forget chicago, she sees chicago the same way you see her home town.. (her friends, her family).. see how it is selfish for her too? stay in NY and build a life together there.
Disagree. It sounds far more likely that his GF has this fantasy scenario of moving to her hometown and raising kids there, and is treating him more like an accessory to that fantasy than anything else. His statement of feeling trapped is being strawmanned by you when he clearly stated that he doesn't want to move to the south, not that he doesn't want to be with her long term. I would feel that way too, if my partner just started making decisions for me without any consideration for my feelings.
Him suggesting Chicago was just one city. He works in finance, so staying in NYC is best, but he's trying to propose any alternative, and she's not budging. I disagree that this is him being selfish. He's trying to come to some sort of compromise and she's the one being unrelenting. And tbh, I wouldn't propose to someone if they said stuff like "move south and move in together, get married, 'get her a ring'" because it sounds like she's planning his life without his input.
I should have prefaced this in the OP (just made an update) but we both went to school in the midwest and have the majority of our university friends in Chicago. Like most large midwest state schools, the herd tends to go to Chicago and so did 80% of our friends.
I can understand your view on this, how it may seem selfish for me to want to do chicago. However, I was thinking that is is more of a compromise (both of us have a multitude of friend groups in the city). But, was also open to other locations
Time for the tough discussion. I had to have one of these with my now wife. Her family was in NY, most of our college friends were in NY, we were in NY. It seemed obvious to stay. Then I got a life changing offer from a firm in Chicago. Like, 3X my TC with less hours and more opportunity to grow type offer. We almost broke up over it, as it was extremely tough to make the call, but eventually we agreed to move to Chicago, wait 2 years, then try to move to a firm with offices in Chicago and NYC so we could see about moving back.
The reality is that it sounds like you haven't really had that hard discussion. You make suggestions, she brushes them off. That's not really a discussion, that's avoiding the hard part and hoping she picks up on the fact you don't want to go. You have to have the hard discussion now, because come 2 years in the future you'll both end up resenting each other over this issue, and you want to get this done before house, marriage, and kids.
What you need to do is sit down and say "Hey, I feel like you're not respecting the sacrifice it would take, nor my own feelings about moving to X. I have tried suggesting alternatives, but you haven't really taken into account the fact that you're expecting me to uproot my life to a place I've never lived because it's what you want. We need to discuss how to approach this, because I feel like I'm having to compromise and it feels like you're not."
Don't attack, don't accuse, be assertive that you feel like she's making decisions for the both of you, and that you feel it would be best for the both of you to either stay in NY or move to a place where both of you can be happy starting a future together. State very clearly that you have feelings and that, unfortunately, you are a person with feelings and not a robot to go along with everything she is asking for.
If she lashes out, attacks you, gets defensive, etc. then I think you know where you stand. Generally speaking, IME most people who ask for advice on relationships already has a general idea of what they want to/need to do, and they end up looking for reassurance that it's the right move. I have a feeling in my gut that you are 99% sure this relationship has run its course because of this, and you're looking for people to reassure you of that fact. I'd still have that sit-down discussion, if not for any other reason than closure, because on the 1% chance she decides to compromise and come to a common understanding, then you'll have a stronger relationship for it.
Do you mind if I PM you to hear more about your experience mentioned? If not, no sweat
Sure, happy to chat and help
Have somehow finally run out of SBs but this is fantastic advice.
I'm obviously only hearing your side of the story, but this doesn't sound like the kind of partner you should be trying to commit to long-term. Unless there's a very non-negotiable reason, e.g. she's the only one who can take care of a sick parent, it's pretty alarming that she wouldn't even care enough to hear you out on something this important. Consider really hard whether you will want to deal with a similar "my way or highway" attitude when it comes to buying a house, raising kids, etc.
I'm 26 and single in NYC, but my best friend from high school is also 26 but married and just had a baby 3 weeks ago. He lives in Georgia in a suburb of Atlanta.
I went down and visited them last weekend. Initially I thought he had the perfect life. He has a house, two cars, a loving wife, a baby daughter, he plays golf when he can, he's part of a good Church community, his wife's parents are only a 45-minute drive away in another suburb.
Granted they both went to Georgia Tech so both of their college friends are still around Atlanta, but brother I was BORED after 2 days of being there. You need to drive absolutely everywhere. Buckhead was kind of fun but it's not that big. I can't imagine being there even younger than I am now and having to start from scratch with making friends. I'd have to join a country club or something. Rent would be way cheaper but then I'd definitely also need a car.
I'm just thinking you're going to be bored out of your mind. I love NYC and want to stay here as long as possible. I live in a 332 sq ft studio apartment and I don't want to leave. You should for sure talk to your girlfriend long and hard about this. Move south when you're older and have kids and need the space. Right now, you should be experiencing life and taking advantage of being in NYC. Don't give that up so soon.
I went to Emory. The city has so many great things about it, but you 100% need to live downtown to get the good experience of Atlanta. Suburbia is too present in the south, which is a big reason I'd need to see MARTA triple their rail network before I consider moving back there.
Also, people judge you for not owning a car there. It sucks ass to tell people "Yeah, I don't drive" in Georgia. It's like they're so indocrinated into the car cult that they can't imagine living without it.
Jesus, don’t you have a father or an uncle or even common sense to discuss this?
Wtf you need wso?
Guaranteed OP is chubby and this is his first gf.
I mean this is a place of highly-driven, career orientated, and consequently intelligent people. People that work in finance that understand the ties and maybe have gone through something similar. No need to shit on asking for help.
"GUaRanTeEd OP is ChuBby". Ya go touch some grass, or better yet a women
Yes, between the two of us, I’m the one who needs to touch a real woman lol.
nah this is the first time i agree with sf. if you were a lean chad you wouldn't put yourself in this beta position and would have confronted her
What you should do totally depends on her family background.
Speculating here but it might be a situation where if you (or any theoretical guy . . she may have decided this long ago) isn't willing to move for her, then it's an indication the bond isn't strong enough. Basically a test, and not necessarily consciously identified as a test.
And that's actually a reasonable test for her to have . . of course, you should have the same test too. No relationship is a keeper if location within the US is a dealbreaker for either party. That's just not a strong enough bond.
So if you think that's part of what's happening here, and you actually see her as your future Mrs., then find a way to let her know that (i) she's worth it but (ii) you're worth it too and this relationship is only good enough if either of you is willing to live wherever. And if that's the level you're at, then obviously you should be living in a mutually agreeable place.
I had a very similar situation. My now wife was from a southern state, I was not, and we both went to college in a place away from home. She had the same push to move back to her hometown to be close to friends and family, particularly for once we started having kids as she wanted to continue working. I was extremely apprehensive about the move and we had a lot of hard conversations about what we wanted, how difficult it was going to be for my career, etc. We ultimately compromised and we moved back to her hometown. I was able to find a roughly adjacent job, but it's certianly not the type of role I envisioned for myself or was on track for before we moved. I get FOMO a lot when I think what could have been or when I see my friends killing it at their jobs, especially when I think about the lifetime earnings potential that I left behind. On the other hand, it's great to be in the same city and we have a kid on the way and I know it will be helpful to have support all around us. It's also incredibly easy to look back and think oh I definitely would have been loving my job, getting promoted, raking in carry, etc., without considering all the risks that are inherent with any job.
My best advice is you need to have these hard conversations and it comes down to whether you think she is the one. It seems like both of your ideals are different than the others, so either one of both of you will be compromising, and choosing where to live is a huge part of your life. If she's the one (and conversely, if she thinks you're the one), there should be a huge amount of compromise you each are willing to make for each other. But without being completely open with each other about what you want, why you want that, and what it means for you both, you're setting yourself up for a disappointing outcome.
GF and I are going through the same thing right now lol, but I was the one that encouraged the move down South. My GF is all for it because we have a strong relationship and she understands the lifestyle benefits. Your GF is likely in the same mindset I am. Growing up in the South, you experience better lifestyle, stronger values, and there’s less emphasis on career. While in large cities, people are more concerned about career and keeping up with Jones’s. Just moved back down South and making the same money I made in NYC, better weather, play golf every weekend, more WLB, and assured I can comfortably afford kids / large house in the near future. Which is the dream for me. Would explore the idea, but if it’s not what you want out of life then don’t do it. Personally, see no benefit of living in NYC / CHI, unless you’re extremely career driven
if it's not atlanta, probably gonna suck
Miami, ATL, CLT, Raleigh, and Nashville are all great cities to live in. Personally, would put ATL towards the bottom of preferred options
eh miami is fair, others definitely not
"My GF (24F) wants me (23M)"
checks out
In my early 30s and my view is this absolutely needs to be an actual two way conversation or this isn't going to work out. My now wife and I had to have serious conversations about location as well when she was first applying to med school and then later on residency, and it was always approached as what can we do together that would work for both of us.
From what you've said this is coming across as an ultimatum and you're already feeling trapped, which isn't a good sign and doesn't bode well for future challenges that may come up in a relationship. You've already opened up the discussion to compromising with Chicago where both of you have many ties (and wouldn't be further away from her hometown than NYC) and her unwilling to even consider that is a red flag.
If she really is dead set on having to be in the South for her long-term vision of what her life needs to look like (and if you in return absolutely can't see yourself living in her hometown), then she's not the one for you and might as well break it off now, instead of waiting years down the line just for everything to come to a head. Have seen enough friends try to look past "make or break" factors, whether it be location, kids, or something else, and then when the actual decision point comes years later, it's never ended up working out. Good news is you're only 23. Plenty of time to find another partner instead of resenting somebody who dragged you somewhere you don't to be.
This feels like a high school girl demanding her star football player bf to play at the community college she’s going to instead of the D1 school across the country
Good advice already in this thread, but man...people just afraid to have honest conversations nowadays. Shocking, but then I remember you're 23, so checks out. I'm in my late 30s and happily married for seven years.
Ea voluptas et quia cumque. Unde itaque necessitatibus sed officia est modi quaerat. Dolorum ea ut ea sit et. Aut rerum et nobis magnam porro sed autem. Nulla blanditiis et ut impedit consequuntur dolores excepturi. Culpa aut ipsam molestiae vel. Sit eligendi animi occaecati nobis. Commodi aut fugiat quam debitis.
Quia hic non ut suscipit sed nemo accusantium. Sunt amet adipisci aliquid animi. Et sunt odit est veritatis perspiciatis. Corporis molestiae enim deleniti necessitatibus. Quidem velit illo architecto ipsam perferendis.
Unde dolorum nihil natus. Et iusto et laudantium in. Enim laborum sint pariatur laborum hic qui esse. Et magni aperiam non dolorum.
Magni aspernatur rerum laborum ipsum. Est vero esse modi. Eum asperiores illum adipisci voluptatum quae commodi delectus excepturi. Non aspernatur ut aliquid at et molestiae. Nulla molestiae error odio reiciendis eligendi ducimus distinctio. Maxime enim quasi autem et. Eos a sed et perspiciatis animi quia.
See All Comments - 100% Free
WSO depends on everyone being able to pitch in when they know something. Unlock with your email and get bonus: 6 financial modeling lessons free ($199 value)
or Unlock with your social account...
Quo rerum eveniet et eius eveniet dolor. Vel deserunt a velit molestiae eum reiciendis sint. Et delectus dolorum ipsam corrupti eaque at ut.