GF's family doesn't like my face
Even as I am typing this out, my mind cycles through phases of limbo that make me doubt my own sanity. Please help a man out, as this is a situation I have NEVER had the great misfortune of encountering.
For context, I'm white, 6'3, and can objectively say that I'm good looking (have been reached out to for modeling stints - not to say that I could actually model but point is I ain't ugly). I live in one of the metropolises and met a girl recently whom I really hit it off with. She's asian (no I don't have a fetish) and something between us just clicked during the first date and things escalated quickly. I like that she is a more traditional woman and only pursues LT relationships. Everything has been smooth sailing so far and I have been considering looking at something permanent with her - lots of signs telling me she could be the one.
However, what I thought was just a small aside at first, has begun to really alarm me. Due to a multitude of reasons that I won't go too deep into, she is very close with her mother. A bit too close even, i.e. her mother has a hold over her life. When we first started dating, she sent her family pictures of us together. One would assume a natural reaction (perhaps this is a western perspective???) from her family would be to ask about me, comment on if i'm handsome or not, and so on. Really almost anything is fair game. Even if her family thought I wasn't good looking I'd understand as that is purely subjective.
What really confused me was that her mother came to the conclusion that I could be abusive and aggressive, from the shape of my face and positioning of my facial features. I really don't want to be the white guy that discriminates over cultural differences but this is fucked. I haven't met her family, or spoken a word to them but through my pictures, her parents have already labelled me as likely not a good partner for her daughter. You have to have a serious god complex to think that you can just judge someone's personality based on your impression of their damn face. Not even my build or height or stature or anything. My fucking face.
Fast forward a month and I was already forgetting about the initial instance when she brought up the face thing to me, as initially I dismissed it as absurd and likely just a hunch that would dissipate over time. Suddenly she tells me that she is confused and having second thoughts. I naturally ask why so we can talk things over. She says her grandparents also said the same thing about my face, and her parents are really worried about her because they still don't like my facial construct. Now she is having doubts over whether we are progressing too quickly, and she wants to be in a calmer headspace to reassess. I pretty much blew up when she brought this up to me, as this is breaching the border of insanity that I just can't quite fathom just yet.
I promise I'm not here just to vent (though it makes up like 99% of my will power to write this out) but this is pretty much the situation and currently I'm just really confused and wondering if I'm overreacting. Firstly, I'd like to know if this is just a cultural thing that I can dismiss to some extent (haven't been with an asian woman before). Honestly, a big part of me wants to call it quits even though I really do like her, as I can't stand women who are controlled by their parents. I don't actually think she is on the tail end of that distribution, but from what I've heard about her family's conception of my fucking face, it feels like no matter how hard I try, their impression of me will stay at 'my face = 'abusive big white guy.
Just to continue the vent, I even think I look handsome and approachable (as have all my exes, their parents, my friends, etc etc etc). Why and how do people feel they can just reach a proper judgement of someone else without having even met them, shook their hand, and exchanged salutations.
In the end, I think I blew up because it was disappointing to see someone I thought was perfect suddenly shatter. Need help on this, really. I don't want to commit to something that is destined for ruin. I fear that our relationship will be constantly influenced by the conclusion her parents have already reached over my face. I also would appreciate assessments of her character, as it is unimaginable for me to be influenced by my parents if they were to hypothetically say she looked like a crazy kangaroo (not that my parents would every offer that type of judgement on a girl i'm seeing, esp before even meeting her).
apologies for the rambling - as visible, my mind is freefalling
Tl;dr just get some plastic surgery / be less ugly
I wish this was that. I'd have an easier time rationalizing it. They think I look handsome but too aggressive/abusive. How they come to that conclusion beats me.
I revisited and actually read through. This is tough. I'm part Chinese and know about this custom (although I believe Koreans also have a version). The best way to win her parents over is:
1) prove them "kinda" right and beat the FUCK out of that pussy and make her fall deeply in love with you so she'll go to bat against mom's superstition. This sounds like a joke, and it partly is, but having her be willing to stand on your side against the old dumb superstitions will give her parents pause since they would normally just expect her to fall in line.
2) My guess is Chinese just based on odds so bring them a nice gifts that shows you respect them (sites like to posture to western audiences not to be too expensive but that's a load of shit). A nice stack of cash in a red envelope for both parents, good alcohol (find out what dad likes), fancy tea set for mom or plant for mom. Grandparents you don't need to worry about at this stage UNLESS they all live together in which you gotta think of things for them to.
I give this a 60% odd of flipping the script. Expect to spend $500+. It's rough, but if you really want to go forward with this chick then you might as well. If you don't and have your second thoughts there's no shame in that, especially when you recognize that by getting serious with this girl you're going to have to put up with the family's superstitious bullshit for you ENTIRE relationship's duration. Godspeed my yellow-loving fellow.
OP said that he is comfortable with his appearance. That is what should matter, and presumably the girl is comfortable with it too if she's with him. Honestly, I would have the same reaction as him, and if the girl takes her parents' side over their dumb superstition, just leave her.
You might not want to hear this, but if she's siding with her parents having known you and what you're like, then all that means is it took very little to shake her confidence in the relationship. Slow things down and make sure you're on the same page. If she still harbours unfounded doubts or insecurities, ask what you can do and if nothing comes to mind, part ways.
Rather you find out now than later how fragile this relationship was - all it took was a comment from someone who hadn't ever met you for her to question your character and personality. That's not someone you should be with long-term if it continues.
Appreciate the advice and exactly what I'm trying to work through. Think I'll take some time to confirm how deep the superstitions actually run in her family and wait to see if any other red flags come up...
Google Asian face reading. The issue could also be that the parents want their daughter to be with an Asian guy and you look more like a Chad
Her mother seems racist.
I know someone else who read faces btw.
Correct, all Asian mothers are racist towards all races and non-Doctors/lawyers/rich heirs of their own race. It's like a law. Not allowed to have kids until you're in compliance.
Good point - will have to ask her but doubt that she'd admit her parents are racist. Such an annoying predicament
There is a fine line between racist and preferring your own kind of people. I personally do not think it is racist. Just because the mother might want her kid to marry within the Asian universe does not mean the kid has to follow what she says. I am not going to tell my kids who they can and cannot date.
Did you really need all that word count just to tell us that you're an ugly man with an Asian fetish?
yes
you should get a new face
like this guy
Amazing
Cue Nip Tuck episode where white guy gets his eyes surgically altered to look Asian.
My opinion, if you like the girl enough, just live with the criticism from the family and over time (including with in-person meet ups) prove them wrong.
Having an “intervention” and making her choose now between you and her family isn’t the best or only way to deal with this. Play the longer game.
My experience: my Asian dad who also acted like my mom, since she died when I was young, brought up every type of racial stereotype criticism of every girl friend I had including from my same race. I think it was a way to preserve my self esteem by blaming external factors (video games, girls) for whatever short comings I had. To him, I was perfect, but made wrong choices. I literally dated my now wife in secret from my dad for 2-3 years. My dad ended up having a stroke and developing dementia (and thus “accepted” my relationship), and I believed a lot of his intolerance was related to mild cognitive impairment (pre-dementia) mixed with his stubborn personality. But as someone who had to straddle taking care of my family and keeping someone I wanted to be with long term; I avoided an intervention. It irritated my wife at the time, having to be quiet on the phone when I was talking to my dad (we lived far away from each other), but it all worked out in the end.
While it is unreasonable to think that you can wait out a non-intervention forever, at some point, you’ll just proven to “not be abusive” and be something else wrong or just be alright.
Thanks odog - value the personal perspective. How was the experience for your wife during the period where you had to hide your relationship from your father? I have never been in a relationship where the girl's parents were unsupportive, so am mostly worried that their views will rub off on her over time (as seems to be happening already).
She was definitely irritated and was something we argued about constantly. I was being a coward (not confronting my dad head on; “defend her honor”) in a way being non-interventional, but I was also being a smart coward. Timing is everything, and I got everything I wanted in the end including a great relationship with my dad at end of his life.
I’ve applied this discipline to business and business warfare and made money. There’s some Sun Tzu Art of War lessons in there.
You haven’t built a life with her in a meaningful way, so an intervention now with a binomial outcome is not going to be pretty. It’s unfair to her too, if you care about her.
My wife and I having been together since we were 19 and in college (I’m 43), will have had many other challenges afterwards. Learn to adapt to challenges:
Not making money for two years into my start up
And on and on, more and more challenges. In reality, the biggest reason we argued about what seems on its face very normal problems was the social aspect: we were the only ones among our friends who was going through these challenges, at the time. As a life partner (or business partner or both), you have to develop the ability to sell the long term to your partner(s). So, your mindset needs to be more long term and you need to sell it. I believe if you find someone that you’re attracted to and check most of the boxes, you have to make it work. Or some other guy will.
You feel like the only person in the world being hated on by your face. Play the long game. They could hate you for being a Montegue (Romeo & Juliet reference) or a colonizer, or whatever. The face thing is weak. You can easily disprove that over time. Prove them wrong. Think long term. Build a life with her. There will be other challenges along the way. And don’t let your ego get in the way of the outcomes you want. Don’t let ego get in the way. The world is not fair. Your decision tree and how you execute is important. Sell the long term (but in the right doses at the right time). Conflicts will happen. This is your test.
It's easy for people to hold these beliefs when they haven't met you. Yes, there will be a set of people who would meet you and still think incongruous things that you're some kind of a brute, but there is going to be another group who will be swayed by the way you act.
I would ask to meet them, if possible, and then act in such a way that this is no longer treated as a credible idea.
The problem is that the Chinese mama often lives in China or Taiwan (or just out of state), and you're certainly not gonna meet her while the daughter feels like she has to "hide" you.
It's probably not about your face, if that helps. Parents are probably just wackjobs / narcissists / racists. Given it sounds like your GF is dependent on their validation, I don't think you should expect this situation to improve over time
My brother where is your self respect? Dump her.
yikes. her parents want her to marry an asian guy. you're playing a tough game, i wish you luck. but you need to ask your gf to not listen to her family. her mom sounds like a tiger parent and will do everything she can to separate you two, and you have the tough task of having to convince your gf that her mom's tactics are shallow. build more trust with your gf, but she needs to ultimately side with you and not her parents over such a silly matter. good luck brother.
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