How to shrug off body dysmorphia in a world of ever increasing beauty standards?
Guys. This is a serious topic so please, trolls, stay away. I'm really looking for helpful tips or reassuring voices. Please do not make this worse.
Currently I'm wrapping up my degree and prepping to leave for London for my O/C. Having this job has been my dream since forever. It is quite the milestone. Yet, I feel nothing. I don't feel like I've achieved anything because of how I perceive myself and my physical appearance. It doesn't matter what I do; it's always coming back to this problem and the void it's creating in my life. It's not lost on anyone (who's active online) that people have become more shameless in elevating astronomical beauty standards, which hurts a ton because body shaming and bullying men is so normalised and you can't do anything about it. I hate my body already, but watching people online being scathing to ugly men really makes me want to commit suicide. I haven't had any successes in dating, though I admit I only tried one way. I just think that girls literally have no incentive to date me or be around me when there's no shortage of tall handsome guys out for them. I sense this in every day's life; people are sort of aggressive with me, but my friend (blond/tall) is treated like a king (I'm not bitter, just laying down the reality). I hate looking at myself, and I hate that there's nothing about my looks will change. I wish I could be more confident in my own skin, but I get discouraged by seeing people shit on ugly guys online to no avail. I don't want to get blackpilled on you all, but unfortunately I just don't see any escape.
I would genuinely appreciate any help here.
Plenty of ugly guys out there with good looking women. Also, you’re probably not as ugly as you make yourself out to be. There are things you can change, you can work out, get a better cut, dress nice and overall have good hygiene. If you want to get rid of your body dysmorphia then learn to play with the hand your dealt.
I appreciate the anecdotes I see because it's literally my only hope. But the more I hear about it the more discouraged I get. I think this used to be more of a thing with millennials and older generations. Gen Z are absolutely brutal in weeding out ugly guys and revering handsome guys. They are insane.
Eh i don’t know, online culture/social media can be brutal and often untrue. You go on Instagram and see all those pretty models but most don’t look that pretty in real life. People get work done, filters, makeup, etc. it’s a lot and it’s unrealistic. It isn’t real life is what I’m trying to say. Instead of hating on yourself and thinking you’ll never get girls because they’ll make fun of you or never choose or whatever get rid of that. You’re afraid of being rejected/made fun of. That’s why you only tried dating one way and don’t put yourself out there. I apologize if that’s an untrue characterization but reading your post made think you’re just scared. Develop some healthy habits, like working out, socialize with people, have a good time. You got your dream which you put in the work for, so put the work in to other areas of your life. London is a big city, do the above, have confidence (fake it if you have to) and do you got to do.
It's easy for men to become at least above average given a couple years.
1 - Lose fat
2 - Put on muscle mass (aesthetic muscle, get the proportions right)
3 - Dress like you're not a neckbeard or SJW/SWE
4 - Haircut
5 - Skincare
6 - Veneers/whitening trays/invisalign
7 - Contact lens
8 - Tan
9 - Hair products depending on desired style (beach waves, fratty flow, slickback)
I am shredded with 11% body fat though (although I'm smaller size, just genetically how it is. So I'm not all that buff but I have good muscle mass)
Open to suggestions for the other stuff
Women like lean guys over the bodybuilder look anyways. Don't worry about being lean if you're a decent height and have all the aesthetic muscle definition (shoulders, chest, abs, lats, v line, biceps).
From your context, seems like you do have a fair share of weight hanging over your head regarding your physical appearance. I'll tell ya this - as the other commenters said, I am 99% confident that you're not as 'ugly' as you think you are. I read a couple of statistics somewhere that say most people view themselves 20-25% less attractive than other people see them - the rationale for this being is that we see ourselves a lot. Whether it's a selfie, photos that we zoom in on, or passing by in the mirror, we know what we look like better than anyone else. This, in turn, makes it so much easier for us to spot imperfections and things that we don't like.
I really do seem that this is definitely more psychological than physical. cockguzzler69 (great screen name by the way) made some great points. There are a lot of things that are relatively simple to do that can drastically improve your appearance. Haircut, correct hairstyling, keeping beard & other facial hair groomed and trimmed, etc. Wash your fuckin' body EVERY time you get in the shower, splurge a little bit on some skincare products - learn about what products are used for and when to apply them. Wear some clothes that fit your body correctly and style them in a way that makes YOU feel the most confidence.
These are all great points, but I think in order to truly be comfortable with everything you gotta get over the psychological part first. This is a lot easier said than done, I'm not trying to be like 'ok just stop saying your ugly' and call it a day. But getting comfortable with yourself and making peace with who you are and your insecurities will bode you far better than a haircut and a new suit will. Like I said, as long as you aren't some 300+ lb greasy dude with an unkempt beard, yellow teeth, mismatching clothes, and reek, you're probably decently attractive.
Oh, and one last thing - brush your damn teeth. You would be surprised how many 30+-year-olds I know that brush like 1-2 times a week. I'm wondering if it's considered wrong for me to label them as 'subhuman' but my God!
There's some physical stuff that I find too "hardo" and cringe, like someone's been watching too many "alpha male" videos.
That includes a beard, wearing sunglasses, having gelled hair, casually wearing loafers/chinos/dress shirts/watches.
I know this wasn't the main point, but there are 30 year olds that only brush 1-2 times per week? That is blasphemy
Yea if that’s true that would blow my mind.
When I was doing OCR, we were all stuck in this conference room between interviews and some dude’s breath smelled like literal garbage, I had to hold my breath whenever he talked.
Poor dental hygiene is disgusting.
Yeah, buddy. Calling them 'friends' is a stretch. Fucking horrid. I don't care how expensive your colognes are or how much you spend combing your hair - if you can't brush your damn teeth then you don't know how to take care of yourself. Like, I'm sorry, it takes 2 minutes per day and it's so noticeable. They probably think 'oh no one notices, no need for me to change', but what they don't realize is that we just don't say that to their face.
Yellow & cracked seem to be how they all are. It's actual foul
Downvote me all you want but there’s nothing wrong with “body shaming” save the rare exception where someone has severe genetic problems that cause issues such as dwarfism, missing limbs, etc.
99% of people complaining against “body shaming” are too lazy to take care of themselves whether it be good hygiene or the gym and then get mad that people who take extra efforts are (naturally) rewarded with extra compliments and jobs. I find it ridiculous that this whole “body shaming” movement has entered even into the fashion industry in NYC. In recent years attractive models have even been getting pushed out or denied acceptance for those who are out of shape and not attractive.
That being said, based on what you’ve written you’re not in the description of guys who would be body-shamed. You’re fit and with a little work in other areas you’ll do fine. Go look at the World’s strongest man page and tell me if any of those athletes have a pretty face. Yes they have a decent height, but then go look at the past bodybuilding results for your country and look at the winners. Some guys will be Hollister tier but many will not be and they’re literally winning competitions partly based on looks.
I don't think you understood my point about body shaming. Of course I don't mean like everyone should coddle overweight people and "see the beauty within" (although yeah I don't think they should be bullied either). What I mean is countless people online shitting on guys for not being tall, for example. Again you should spend some time looking at zoomers being brutal in their beauty standards.
I know this sounds stupid and childish but I'm doomed to deal with the problems of my generations
Wouldn’t know because I barely use social media outside of WSO and don’t use dating apps. Perhaps you should do the same, step outside and enjoy life.
MMA/Muay Thai/BJJ
Facts. Everyone thinks you're somewhat of a badass when it gets brought up. And if I can hop on the mat against some 250 lbs black belt, I can go talk to that girl
If the post-split squeeze nets 8-figs after tax I'm debating quitting to do BJJ full-time for a bit. Such a wonderful sport.
I thought about MT after you sent me your tinder profile. I spent the time instead to learn electric guitar in the meantime but I'll definitely get into MT when I can
I agree with the folks above, this is all in your head and therefore your negative experience with social interactions is likely due to a lack of confidence versus any actual physical deficiency. Some context: We are the exact same height (practically to the decimal). At our height, we are not viewed as short by women at all. Pretty much any girl 5’8” and under should have no problem with your height, which is the vast majority of women. I understand your point that taller men have it easier (I have a few friends who are 6’4”+ and height is an advantage for them in dating), but by no means will your height hold you back either professionally or when dating.
You describe yourself as shredded with 11% body fat, so you’re even in better shape than I am. Clearly your figure is not a problem.
Many other aspects of your appearance can be changed either immediately or in a short period of time. Don’t underestimate the importance of a nice smile, which is available to almost everyone through Invisalign (I did Invisalign myself, highly recommend it). I started using moisturizing cream last year and I really like what it has done for my appearance. How you dress, your haircut, etc. — that can all be changed in less than 24 hours. Ask your friends for advice if you feel there needs to be a change there.
I can certainly echo what was said — the way people portray themselves online is SO FAR divorced from reality that it is ridiculous. No one has skin as nice as presented online — this is one of the easiest filters to apply and completely removes all blemishes. You’d be shocked at how even some celebrities and models look in real life. Dating profiles are the exact same way — almost all of the women on them use filters or take photos that mask the things they are sensitive about (weight, skin, height, hair, anything).
It seems to me that your issue really is just one of confidence. I agree, the internet can be an absolutely brutal place, but it is not the real world. People like to be judgmental sitting behind their keyboard without their own identity on display. But life in the real world is very different and that is the world you need to concern yourself with, not the internet. I personally don’t even have instagram (even though almost all my friends do), nor TikTok, Snap, or whatever else is out there. I think my life is better for it, and I suggest you do the same as you work through these challenges.
Seconding the recommendation to delete social media. All it does is encourage you to live life for other people rather than yourself. I deleted all social media (except LinkedIn) two years ago and have gained a decent amount of self confidence - not an egotistical douchebag but not withering in despair either. Also don't have a mirror that shows anything below my neck; a bit extreme for some but I've found it helpful for body dysmorphia issues.
Honestly crazy that you mention this, have recently seen stats corroborating what you're saying -- Gen Z is particularly brutal (with both men and women) on beauty standards. Which makes 0 sense -- you guys are supposed to be woke / accepting / non-discriminatory. But apparently discriminating against one's facial structure (which you are born with) is totally ok? And one's body type as well? Some guys can change this but I know some guys with that obesity gene who just can't get that fat off as well. Ungodly hypocritical
Yeah zoomers are shitheads. Remember they're not "woke" because they have any clear aspirations for justice or whatever. It wasn't them who brought about any resemblance of LGBT quality, or racial equality, or progressive economic policies. It was the generations before. Zoomers are just dumb and extremely loud. In practice they are among the most discriminatory and dysfunctional and narcissistic groups I've seen in my life. All their lives are about visual display, and so they can't tolerate the thought of a human not 10/10.
You would be surprised how losing weight can make you look even more attractive. I am pretty sure you aren't ugly at all, however, things like facial cleansing, a nice clean haircut and being more in physical shape (losing double chin etc) can add a point or two in attractiveness. Also if you become rich enough you could always get plastic surgery. Hopefully it doesn't go wrong like zac efron.
My god I didn't know Efron got plastic surgery, he looks horrific now compared to his original looks. Why in the world would he do that?? Jesus he had looks that 99% of guys can only dream of and also great hair in his 20s as well...literally no point to risking all of that smh
It's true; better looking people are treated differently and are probably seen as more approachable than those with less aesthetically appealing faces. There's nothing we can do about our genes... to an extent. If you're suffering from obesity perhaps you can exercise and watch your weight. If you're suffering from an ugly face you could consider plastic surgery, but will that really get you result you want? Do you want change your face only so that people see you as more aesthetically pleasing and more approachable? Look at the preceding sentence, when I wrote "you" I really meant your new face, not yourself.
Start getting healthy and fit, even if you don't need to, it will help you mentally and boost confidence. Meanwhile work on yourself, work on who you are. The company you keep sticks around because of who you are. The friends you have like you, not your face. The recruiters at your job liked you, even though they may have not liked your face. If you're doing reasonable well despite being "ugly" or however you see yourself, you should be proud of your other self-developed traits.
If you're frustrated with dating, or sexually frustrated, you might have to approach things differently, maybe you're not going to get lucky but if you're looking for a partner, your personality and your attitude will determine your end result. You're going to need to get to know people better and connect with them instead of relying on your face to draw them in.
Work on yourself and see a therapist. I would highly recommend you read the book Psycho Cybernetics by Dr. Maxwell Maltz, a trained plastic surgeon.
By lifting hard, cleaning up your diet, and getting a nose job. if you're losing hair get sildenafil
hit the gym, get expensive clothes and watches, wear tall shoes
Wish I could give you better advice - because I'm dealing with this myself - but one thing I wanted to add is I was shocked at how many of my friends/family had gotten secret, subtle work done. A nose job here, a facelift there, cosmetic and reconstructive surgery everywhere. Not to mention the constant filters on social media that can make anyone look good. It's all fake
Looking into cognitive behavioral therapy and delete all of your social media (TikTok included). Feeling Great is the best CBT introduction. The author also has his own remote & in person therapy options.
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