This is finally becoming real now. I am the main caregiver. He has stage 4 Lung Cancer that spread to his bones. He is a non-smoker. I've been doing everything for him. All his meals, all the medications, driving him everywhere, replacing his urine bags, changing his clothes and wiping his butt. He has basically become a child to take care of. Now he is bedridden and can't walk anymore and can't eat or drink any food. Not even water. He is out of it and the nurse says he is NPO (can't be given food or water unless he is alert and participating). He has to be given Lorazepam and Morphine every 4hrs, which I'm in charge of. It is liquid and dissolves in the mouth. It's all finally hitting me now. I've been on this journey for years and have paused my career to take care of him. He told me personally "don't take me to assisted living." And I have honored his wishes by being the person to take care of him to the end.
He is 88 years old. I've done everything I can for him and sacrificed everything. My social life, putting my career on hold, and it has taken a toll on me. I'm tired. I drink too much when off duty. I just need a few drinks when someone is covering for me to chill out. All this is too heavy for me to process. Also, I think I might have an interview for grad school in 2 weeks, which is right after he is scheduled to pass (when RN thinks he will pass). I need to pull myself together for it, but the topic of caregiving will come up in the grad school interview and not sure how to say my Dad is dead now without breaking out in tears. I stuffed my emotions in a bottle for so long and now they are all coming out. My Dad was 46 when I was born, so I have a much older father than others my age.
I only applied to 2 grad schools, which another WSO user commented that it wasn't enough applications, but they are the only two schools I want to attend. Or qualify for. I find out by Dec 15 if I get in for both. But that also means soon I will have to go through moving my Dad's stuff and moving all my stuff and my Dad has a cat that is an outdoor cat and I live on the 3rd floor of an apartment now so it couldn't be outdoors if it is with me and I know it will cry all night long to go outside and maybe even jump off my 3rd floor terrace (fack!!!). Or if it runs out my front door I would probably never find it again. Maybe I should get a tracker. The next place I move to will hopefully be on the first floor so the cat can go outside. I've had a bit of an adjustment disorder my whole life and moving is the most stressful thing ever. Also, I have a TON of stuff and 4 bikes, etc.
Sorry guys to vent, but this is what I'm going through right now. I appreciate all the prayers and support. My siblings are all very supportive and I know this too shall pass and we are all just grains of sand in the perspective of the universe and eternal life, but my parents mean so much to me and this is hard and I am tired and completely exhausted. I want my life back and freedom again, but it will come at the cost of losing my Dad, which was the plan all along.
If you got this far, thanks for reading and I appreciate the prayers and support.
Cancer is linked to lots of things but sometimes it is kind of random. You did all you could for him, which is very admirable. I would celebrate his life. My dad had cancer a couple of years and while he recovered, he has not been the same since then. My sister in-law was recently diagnosed with cancer and is scheduled to have surgery soon.
Thanks financeabc. He actually got bladder cancer and had a radical cystectomy (bladder removal) 10 years ago. He beat cancer then, but did not beat it this time. But, now that he is in bed full time until death it is actually easier having a urine pouch to empty instead of dealing with incontinence and getting pee everywhere.
I’m sorry, brother. I lost mine last year quite unexpectedly, and it came with its own sense of freedom and release but also the obvious sadness and realization that you’re the next generation up. It was incredibly hard the first week or two, didn’t feel real for a while after, and then came back with a vengeance when I flew up to clean out his house with my siblings.
Don’t be afraid to reschedule a grad school interview when it happens, but you never know, it also may be good to get out and do something completely unrelated. Likewise, don’t be afraid of the emotions that follow, even if they come up when talking about what you’ve been doing the last few years in a professional setting. You will feel very alone, but it’s a rare person who hasn’t experienced loss, and you will be surprised at where you can find comfort and who you will find it in.
We’re here for you too. DMs are always open.
Thanks bro.
Hang in there man and take care of yourself
Much love brother, sounds like you’re being a great son.
Thanks Smoke Frog - much appreciated.
I want you to know that you are not alone. Losing any family member creates a rift in your sense of existence. Everyone grieves differently so take as much time as you need to process what's going on.
Although grief never goes away, you learn to live with it. Cry if you need to, shout if you need to. The wso community is here for you, friend.
Appreciate it. Yeah rift in my sense of existence is right. You hit the nail on the head.
Lost my dad a couple years ago to cancer as well, understand exactly how you feel. You’ll be okay you are doing all the right things. I recommend talking to him a lot. Tell him everything you want him to know even if he cant speak or listen. Even the small funny secrets you’ve kept since childhood, those will be great moments to experience for you and also your dad, he’ll probably love hearing you talk about everything. Stay strong and keep going
Hang in there man.
Much love brother. You are an admirable and honorable man.
Thanks Jonny.
Much love man. It's a brutally hard thing you are going through, you're an incredible son
Appreciate it Sequoia.
I hope you find solace in knowing how great of a son you are to him. Make sure to savor the remaining days and let him how much you love him.
Much love. As others have said, you are a good son. I can't imagine what you are going through
I'll say a rosary for you and your dad. Best wishes for everything. If you ever need to just vent, PM me.
Thank you. God Bless you.
This is absolutely brutal. The closest I can get is my grandmother, she held the family together with an iron (ok wooden) pasta spoon she was proudly independent, and passed from pancreatic cancer at 87. The thing I remember is that even in hospice on fentanyl she always made sure her chinos were perfectly pressed.
I missed a mandatory (like super mandatory, where a coworker had to explain that his wife was in labor to miss it) to be lead pall bearer for her funeral.
I'm going to be kinda brutal to you too, from a point of love, but don't let him suffer pointlessly. When it's time it's time.
Sorry to hear about this. You are doing the right thing by doing what he wanted. I don't think you'll have any regrets even though it's very tough work.
Yeah it is tough work. It makes me think sitting in a desk all day is easy work compared to this. I don't have any regrets and really gave it my all up to these last days.
Sending you all my love bro.
So sorry Isaiah 😞
Cheers Pizz.
Isaiah you're a great, great son - we're all here for you.
thx squirrel
you're a good son, and I will pray for your father
God be with you
Thanks brofessor. AMDG.
This sucks to hear man. Idk you, but my sincere condolences.
I know you're religious. Consider having him perform the sacrament of penance if possible. God bless.
Don't forget to take care of yourself too. Be well.
Every WSO reader should know this.....it doesn't matter if you become the next MD or a PE associate or go to a top 10 business school.
What matters is if you can become a person like Isiah has become. See your dad to the end and the carry the weight for everyone. That's real stuff. That's what matters and not everyone can do it.
Hang in there pal - you're doing the Lord's work.
Thanks bro. I really appreciate it. I believe I have done the right thing for my family and eternal soul, but damn it is hard for me to take a break from my career and see many of my friends make MD. But, I have a good support system and my family is really tight and has been supportive of me throughout this journey. And it has been a journey. It started with my Mom getting dementia and me helping out until we got her into a home. Then my Dad started to need help with driving, meals, medicine and the hours just kept escalating that I had to care for him, but I regret nothing and can say I did my best and I think God is proud of me. "Store up your treasures in heaven" as they say. I've learned through this that family is everything and when you're near death or see people about to die, you only care about the moments you shared with them. Those moments will live forever.
Well said my man
Caregiver trauma is a thing, please watch out for yourself as well. Watching a parent waste away and pushing your emotions aside to care for them is intense, especially when the outcome is inevitable. Every single moment is consumed with providing or thinking about how to care for them.
Stage 4 colorectal for my old man. Caring for him till he passed was one of the most intense experiences I have ever had. Shit broke me man, I'm never going to be the same. Inbox is open if you want to chat.
Not religious, I know you are, will say a little prayer for the both of you.
RIP to your Dad. Yeah I have been through a lot of hard things in my life including training in special operations and going to military school and even doing MMA and finishing an Ironman triathlon, but the hospice RN told me this is going to be one of the toughest moments in my life and she is absolutely right. It's all emotion at the end and little things like looking in the freezer and seeing his favorite ice cream and thinking he will never enjoy his favorite ice cream again as he is not eating and it just cut straight to the heart and put me into tears.
I did not break out into tears this whole time until yesterday when everything started to feel real and when he stopped responding to stimuli and stopped talking and even stopped drinking water. I know he is going to fade fast now, but I feel at peace because I literally have done everything possible to care for his needs and somewhat feel at peace about that.
I was talking to my sister about dealing with the tears and emotion and she said she was going through the same thing at work and just started crying at her desk. But, it is healthy to release emotions and feel them over bottling them up.
One of my best friends went through the same and it broke him too. Has taken a few years and he’s starting to get back to his old self. It’s no joke.
I will pray for you and your family. You've done right by your father.
Praying for your dad and your healing. You’ve set a very good example for many young men and women who view this forum that these responsibilities are coming for them when their parents age, but it can also be an intensely close bonding yet difficult journey. Time is undefeated.
If you are fortunate enough to witness your dad’s moment of clarity before morphine takes fully over and he’s unconscious, you’ll never forget it.
After my dad died (actually after his funeral) I wrote down everything that came to my mind in a journal.
My dad passed in the middle of the night. I could have waited, watched his last breath (but then miraculously breathe again, repeat and repeat), but I couldn’t go through that so I lay asleep next to him and held his hand. I was awoken by the staff, your dad passed away, and only warmth left on his cold body was where I was holding his hand.
Good luck these next few days. You are a good son.
My friend it is always darkest before dawn, just keep going, time heals.
I'm sure your father is extremely proud of the man he raised, Godspeed brother.
hey brother, I'll DM you separately, but I'll be praying for him this Octave of All Saints. Not sure if your father is a man of faith like you (mine wasn't), but see if you can get the Last Rites done for him. May God, in whatever form He is, have mercy on his soul and provide both of you love and guidance. You've inspired many here, including your father who appreciates the son you've grown to be. We're here for you, now and always. Continue to pray and trust in the Lord, I know I will.
Thanks bro. Our pastor came to his place on Tuesday and gave him his last rites. He is a man of faith. After that I think it gave him peace and he faded fast after that and got into bed Tuesday night and has been bed ridden since then. My Dad was always appreciative of me and said it often when he was still talking. He is not talking today and has been in a deep sleep all day.
God bless you and your family. He knows that when your time comes, nothing but the world and endless love will be shown to you. Remember, he will see you again.
Really love all the WSO OG’s showing support here.
Really sorry to hear about this man, we are all here if u need anything. Your dad is extremely thankful to have such a caring son take care of him during his last days. You won’t regret spending all the time you could with him.
Thanks WB.
Wishing you a huge hug, a shot of whiskey, and a good long walk in the forest or a fishing trip with some fun friends. I lost my father to cancer 20 years ago and while the details are always different…it always SUCKS. I pray you are surrounded by people who care about you. It is hard now but I guarantee you that you will look back on your actions now and be glad you stuck by your dad at his time of need: this is the hardest thing in life to do and you’ve faced it like a man. I’m proud of you and glad that you’re getting support here, and also that you have the awareness and sense to ask for it. Soon he will be at peace in the next place and you will go on thriving.
Don’t fear the emotions, they pass - you’re going to feel them all with more intensity than you knew possible and then you will be more peaceful than you have ever known. Remember we are not constructed digital intelligences, we exist in the physical world and the human mind is a lion, laughing, sobbing, raging and loving; trying to be too rational is irrational for us. Give yourself time to rest, and also don’t feel guilty dissociating watching movies or whatever…sometimes it’s definitely better to not be in the moment. Grief is a monster and you’ve been brave so far - now keep going, the worst is already behind you. I remember the sadness finally hitting me when I was fishing and I wept for hours under the waterfall and then fell asleep on the riverbank…the next days were a blur. The upcoming period of life will change you and make you powerful, if you let it. Also peaceful and maybe happier than you’ve been. Fear of death is what drives half the insane behavior in the world and you’ve patiently and kindly faced it down for a long time now.
It only gets better for you.
I’m a former bartender so you’re never going to hear me tell people not to drink but also…get outside. There’s more than one way to lose yourself and get your mind off things. Get out in nature and around good people. See the city, eat some good food, and get enough sleep. Do things that are life giving. Love that cat and get the tracker, and a dog too to keep him company. Open yourself up to professional support - and don’t waste time with anyone who isn’t working for you. And as far as interviews go, I don’t know how it works of if you can defer it, but you might already be cried out by the time you get there and even if not - losing a parent is a rather underdstandable reason for getting emotional. Someone who has given the kind of care you have will be a truly wonderful doctor. I wish you all the best, you deserve it.
Thanks UFO. This means a lot.
Really sorry to hear this man. Lost my dad a few years back to a sudden stroke, miss him more than anything in the world so I understand what you're going through to some extent. Having a parent die really makes you think about mortality and is an extremely tough experience to get through. You are doing right by your dad by taking care of him like this, you are a fantastic son and i'm sure your dad is proud of you :)
Wish you all the best mate, keep your head, up you'll get through this!
Thx for the support Brightcake.
He passed today. Thanks everyone for the love and support.
Sorry to hear that, man. Thinking about you & your family.
Sorry man. Are you holding up OK?
I assume you're now in charge of settling everything up? People have a weird financial afterlife that's a second kick in the teeth. Both my parents had to do that for their parents. Bills, statements and a whole mess keep coming reminding you of the deceased.
Thanks bro yeah I’m doing ok. I have to cancel a few recurring credit card bills, but my brother is the executor and handles all of the finances. Medicare covered most of the expenses. He doesn’t owe anything in terms of medical bills - he had Tricare as well.
Sorry for your loss, may he rest in peace.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through but you should be proud of how you faced such a difficult situation, I am certain your dad is.
So very sorry for your loss. Knowing that we'll bury our parents doesn't make the process any easier to manage. Sending you strength.
Isaiah_53_5 💎🙌💎🙌💎 - As always, feel free to reach out. I know what it is like to lose a parent. Keep it going, you did the very best you could and completed end of life-care for your parent. Stay strong and keep pushing forward. You got this my man.
Again, reach out for us to talk. You have my digits.
Thanks bro - much appreciated. We’ll grab a beer one day.
Let me know when you're in SoCal or if I fly out east, I'll hit you up.
It is one of the hardest things to go through in life. You have been a faithful son and upheld the wishes of your father. With these sorts of things one can only do their best in the moment, and hope to live a life without regrets for time lost or the road not taken. For me, the experience underscored the existential importance of caring for one another, and it seems to me like you have nothing to regret.
Cherish the time you had together, and focus on taking care of yourself. Honor his memory by taking care of and truly valuing the other people in your life for whom you care. Value the time you shared, and in the years to come never forget to take an inward moment now and then to remember the good times and savor the memory.
I'm convinced that whoever threw MS on the OP hates their own father.
I got one too for saying that we're here for you. The majority of people on this site are fucking losers these days. Don't worry about the MS.
word
Hope everything gets better man & praying for you and your father - long time lurker on wso (and I keep forgetting my passcodes or life gets busy or simply want to be anon) but have seen your posts for quite some years so it pains me to read this.
You’ve gotten me through many hard times over the years with your posts. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to to help. DM me
Stay strong Isiah. Be proud that you did all you could and were able to be there for him in this capacity. Hope I have a son like you who would honor this and be there for me the way you were with him. Very admirable. Wish you and your family the best in this time of loss.
Thanks bro that means a lot.
Even with caregiving I was an Excel monkey
How are you doing today?
Doing ok - I’m moving this week - moving is stressful. I went to Mass for the first time without my Dad today and felt so alone. I had to hold back the tears. It still doesn’t seem real yet.
Thanks for asking.
Decided today not to move this week - too crazy. Moving 3/11 now.
Overall though I’m really happy my Dad is in a better place now. He really struggled at the end.
My grandmother is about to pass away. I feel your pain brotha. " A Perfect LIfe" -- from the show Yellowstone
Last Saturday I went to Whole Foods and got some Filet Mignon steaks for dinner for my Dad and I. These were one of the last days that he was eating and I gave him a little more than I thought he could eat, but he ate it all and absolutely loved it. We had mashed potatoes too.
There is no other feeling than cooking for a family member and having them like and eat all you have made for dinner. The past month had many days where I made a whole dinner and he took only a bite. So the steak dinner was a big win this past week and I just feel so happy looking back at all the good memories of my Dad and I. I did everything I possibly could to keep him nourished and happy and he knew it. He always said he was so thankful for me being there.
Isaiah - sorry for your loss. Don't have much to add beyond what everyone else here, but I enjoy reading all of your posts and I'm sure your dad is very proud of the man you've become.
Take the time needed and keep moving forward, that is how you will continue to make him happy and proud.
Thx Breaking Rich
Your father is lucky to have you. I wish I could have been there for my dad after a quadruple bypass (fall 2020), and unfortunately seeing my wife go through breast cancer treatment, and now her mom with a really aggressive ovarian cancer (she's not going to make it), know what a sacrifice it can be and how hard it is to be a caretaker as well. Sorry for you loss, and please take care of yourself as well.
Thx Nuclear Penguins
Very sorry for your loss brother, you did right by him and you'll see him again one day. He was very lucky to have a son like you, I pray that you will find all the happiness in the world my friend. My inbox is always open for you if you ever want to talk / vent / etc
thx bro
My condolences. I'm heartened to read about the excellent care you gave to him. I know you loved him very much.
Thanks kelly - much appreciated.
I just want to give a large thanks and bro hug to everyone who gave me support on this thread and in all the DMs. I learned in therapy the importance of support systems and WSO is definitely one for me. We all experience life together in separate ways on WSO and it is heartwarming when we all come together for a certain cause. I don't think I could have gotten through this alone and am gradually getting back to what is the new normal for me now. Also, thanks Patrick WallStreetOasis.com for providing such a collaborative forum where we can all come together for many causes. Cheers. - Isaiah
hey Isaiah, just saw this thread. really sorry to hear about your father. Sending my prayers.
Thanks Patrick - much appreciated 🙏🏼
Logged in for the first time in almost 2 years to say I'm sorry. I am going through something similar, currently moved home from NYC and am temporarily in a satellite office to take care of my mother. Best of wishes with everything and thanks for all your help over the years on this forum.
You're the best kind of son a parent could hope for. You won't regret having been there for him.
Thanks bro - appreciate it. 🙌
Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him.
May the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
Isaiah, popped onto this site for the first real browse in over four years and saw this. Not sure if you remember me lol but I do remember you from back then. I'm sure your father was a great guy who passed that onto you. Sorry for your loss. Loss sucks, no easy way around it and grief is a big sharp knife. Really guts you. Its slow and painful to pull it out and the wound takes long to heal. It feels like you'll bleed out but you won't. Sorry again man, take your time and grieve. I remember you as a good guy, I assume not much has changed so keep that up, be kind to others and trust that you'll be OK. It's gonna take time but you will.
Thanks bro - I remember you. Hope all is well.
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