Spouse burnt out by IB
Frustrated by spouses firm not communicating and worried spouse will lose job. Holding down fort.
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I was the one who created this chat. I’m exhausted. And I know before anyone jumps down my throat about “yOu aReNt dOiNg bAnKiNg” ya I know. I’m not stupid. It’s tough being a full time caregiver of multiple kids though and having your spouse subsumed 90-100 hours a week in work helping rich people get richer. I knew going in that this industry would be rough. My partner and I talked extensively about it. We don’t live by family and we have had to rough it all and that’s fine. What’s not fine is that communication at the firm on all levels could greatly improve because it sucks all around. I’m dealing with raising kids, multiple family deaths, paying off student loans, so much stuff and I don’t know how to support my spouse or be what they need me to be. And I’m sick of the firm sucking life out of my spouse so that by the time I interact with them all they really want is to sleep (I can’t blame them). I’m worried that my spouse will lose their job based off of feedback they were given a few weeks ago that I can’t stop thinking about. Can someone offer reprieve?? Why can’t firms take families into account better? Why is work/life balance non existent in IB
Isn’t that what exits to CorpDev are for?
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's always harder and takes more of a toll than you think it will.
The reality is WLB doesn't really sustain in banking unless you set your boundaries. If your spouse is sufficiently senior, they will have to buffer for WLB as much as possible. Things like being offline (with an eye on emails) for a couple of hours for dinner with the family, taking time on weekends (with an eye on emails, see the pattern here?) and the like. It is not easy to do, but if they have sufficient cred in their group, they can pull it off.
I'm able to balance just fine, as much as a sweaty career allows, and I see tons of others who do the same. Sure you miss events and what not, but you're there for enough of the kids sports games/piano recitals, family events and such that it makes a difference. The ones who can't set boundaries and figure out balance are the ones who burn out.
The other alternative is to move downstream or lateral somewhere less sweaty. Either a different bank or a different stream like corp dev altogether. This is something your spouse will have to figure out for themselves.
Lastly, why are you not using some of their comp for childcare? At home help? Paying down student debt? The fuck? Almost every banker family I know has housekeeping, dedicated childcare or daycare, and every kind of help whatever. What's the point of making banking money if you're not using it to make your life easier?
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Dude I'm sorry this sucks. But frankly, trying to blame IB is pointless...nothing here will really change. She can try to manage it at Director level and above to get family time but until then she is a slave to her bosses. Only real solution if you're not willing to wait until she gets to Director level (usually happens ~10yrs into an IB career) at which point her hours will drop to ~60 then she should leave. This is the career your wife chose, there is no gun to your head or her head. Plenty of chill corporate jobs where she can make $150-250k working 50hrs a week, maybe explore that
Edit; Also I used she but same thing applies if you're married to a dude
Your spouse goes by they/them pronouns?
I'll add some real perspective as a married banker with a child (no nanny/daycare).
1. You are absolutely right to feel exhausted and burned out. You may "not be working in banking" but every household task is falling on you. I see my spouse as my partner in this respect.
2. Are you close with your mother in-law or father in-law? Getting the grandparents to come stay for weeks/months at a time can be a huge help.
3. TALK ABOUT FINANCES. I am sure your spouse appreciates all that you do but the simple fact of the matter is without you working and collectively paying for a nanny/daycare you will both be burned out. Your spouse by work, you by homemaking.
3.A. For us, our financial goal is affording this help. But that means every financial decision we talk about and if it's not a big step up in quality of life, we're not spending it.
3.B. Savings and rainy day fund is more than real once family/kids are involved. Similar to 3.A., we talk about spending vs saving for financial decisions. The reality is all those "minor" $5 or $10 thoughtless spending kills budgets faster and more consistently than the big $1,000 purchases do.
4. Generally open communication both ways is important. During the day my spouse and I catch up (even if just a few texts) to see how each is doing and mentally prepare for the mood/type of support the other will need when I finally get home from work.
5. While it may be super frustrating and you both may feel burned out keep in mind the financial benefit of the job. Your spouse is earning 3x the median household income on base alone. Your lifestyle, while not glamorous at the moment, depends on that income. Approach this as a team effort.
6. The bank/group culture has a huge impact on feelings of stress/burnout. Perhaps your spouse should look at jumping ship to a more conducive culture. I know my bank and group's culture plays a huge role in me not feeling additional stress beyond the work.
Just my thoughts as someone also in it. It can be done, but it is a daily challenge.
Feel free to DM me.
your frustrations are all warranted and indicative of a new'ish parent with limited family support, further compounded by a distracted partner with an extremely demanding career. I dont have a good answer for you - we have 1 kid, and i've done my best to simplify her day-to-day (part-time nanny, cleaners, grocery delivery, doggy daycare) but the fact is, parenting is probably the hardest thing we (she) will ever do.
With a second kid coming, something drastic has to happen for us. Some combination of 1) wife quits all forms of work to dedicate time to raising kids, 2) i need a less demanding, AND hybrid role, 3) we ship a grandparent in and have them live with us in some capacity, 4) get an au pair.
In this market, there is always a threat of being laid off. I hope your husband (and you) have thought deeply about the reality of his career trajectory given the sacrifice youre both going thru. If there wasnt real wealth being generated, a path to leadership (MD+) or a path to WLB, i would be taking a long-hard look at myself about making changes becoz frankly, the grind is not worth it ..once you're hitting mid-30s if those options are not starting to present themselves.
I hope you guys somehow find peace and a solution.
Your husband doesn’t want you to be busy. He wants you to be happy. Do less, smile more, and just be supportive while he does god’s work.
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