The Art of the (Drunken) Deal
I'm moving on up, monkeys.
Unfortunately I'm not talking about a raise or a promotion, but I was able to snag a new unit 10 floors up in my current building, so now the people across the street who will see me swinging my unclothed dick around after work are a new tier of rich.
And I'm not even paying any extra money for the elevated status and extra 100 square feet (which in this city might as well be an extra 100 pound golden dick sculpture to add to my collection). How the fuck did I manage that?
No really, I'm asking. How did this happen? Last thing I remember, my property manager was coming by to check on a dent in the wall that got "missed" during move-in inspection 2 years ago (read: I don't know how it got there but I'm pretty sure it happened during the celebration bender post election). I offered the man a Laphroaig to ease the tension and he brought up the prospect of a rent hike. To which I responded by finishing my drink.
We sat down at the table like men and hashed it out, and when it was all over, I woke up at 3 am in a cold sweat with a new lease stuck to my face. I had my lawyer look it over and boy does it look good for me. I called up the landlord to see if he had any idea about all this but his outgoing message says he's in Mexico until June, so I'm assuming the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing, and thank fuck for that, otherwise I'd be stuck on floor 9.
That's not even the greatest story I have of blackout deal making. Ask me about the time I apparently secured a car loan for Cousin Andy while wearing full St. Patrick's Day regalia and smoking a cigar inside the bank (a story for another time, you greedy assholes).
Pissing contest: brag about your drunken negotiating feats and please shoot down all the amateurs who don't measure up.
What about the time you secured a car loan for Andy?
Oh yeah, that? He wanted to buy his first car at 17 with a summer's worth of wages from Dairy Queen, so instead of that, I slapped a suit on him and (from what I'm told) vouched very strongly for his character and earning potential. Now the dipshit is driving around a Lexus he has no need for and can't pay off, but at least we "bonded" and that's all that matters to his mom.
(I'm going to go ahead and "cool story bro" that one myself, idgaf)
This bad loan is the beginning of the next financial crisis. It was the tipping point. I'm going to buy a samurai sword and put my hair in dreds.
Love to see people moving up in this world !
You, literally MOVED up in the world.
Bring in the hot chicks and throw a damn party!
I was so pissed in a restaurant I asked the sommelier to bring me his most expensive bottle of wine (bad idea). This is when my trader saved my life, he excused himself to go to the bathroom and told the sommelier aside (I was told later), that if he ever brought his most expensive bottle he would be eating out of a straw for the rest of his life. We drank some cheaper wine the trader swapped thinking it was their most expensive bottle (we were pretty smashed by this point so did not really matter). I paid for the bill, my clients still wonder to this day how my corporate amex did not bounce. Needless to say that I got a pretty sizeable trade from this account a week later.
Be good to your traders is the moral of the story...
This one was boring enough that I actually believe it could have happened. Still +SB'd for keeping the stories coming though.
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