The days of college over. A college campus in Southern California was the best place to be in August/September. Blonde girls walked around with almost nothing on, with those oversize sunglasses, talking about which sorority they were going to join. Over those four years, I have gone on some dates that were just fails from the start. I put together a list (definitely not all-inclusive) of some of the types of girls you will go on a failed date with. Hope you guys can relate or get a laugh. Feel free to add any that you’ve experienced. This may be a long one.
1. The Vegan/Vegetarian or Some Mixture of the Two…Who Knows
Ahh. You know, I respect these girls. The commitment to this “lifestyle” is impressive but nearing insane. I don’t know how you could go through your life not taking a bite of a bacon cheeseburger. What is worse, is when you are actually taking the bite out of the bacon cheeseburger yourself and she pointedly adds that the cow you’re eating was injected with pesticides and was treated horribly in the farm. Thanks, I’ll eat the bun with the lettuce and tomatoes only now.
1a. The Girl That Orders A Small Salad And Eats Half Of It While You Engulf A Full Pizza
This girl may or may not be a Vegetarian, but still. Self-explanatory. I want a girl that actually enjoys eating.
2. The Snapchat/Instagram/Facebook Girl
You already know this is coming. She is probably the girl that spams your Instagram/Facebook/Snapchat on an hourly basis posting pictures pre- and post-workout with captions like #fitnessislife #lovingmyself #hardworkpaysoff #eatclean. Once you sit down, she’ll snapchat a picture of you to show her friends that she is on a date (the fuck?), then she’ll take a picture of her meal and again, post a caption like #healthyeating or #nopainnogain. I’ll be sure to block you later.
3. The Bitch
This girl is just not a nice person...at the core. You sit there the whole time wondering why the hell you even chose to go on a date with this girl. You’ve probably been on a cold streak and thought this was a good way to get to home plate. Nope. TIP: Buy the most expensive meal on the menu, go to the restroom, and leave her with the bill.
4. The Annoying Girl/The Talker
You justify the annoying girl with your buddies before going on the date. They warn you and try to tell you that you’ll hate it and that she is super annoying, but you won’t listen. You really don’t think it will be that bad and will be able to take it for an hour or 2. 5 minutes into talking, you know you’ve made a big mistake. She won’t fucking shut up. The longer the conversation goes on the more the little things annoy you. Her laugh? God you can hear it from outside the restaurant (rhetorically speaking….). She talks about her tiny dog, she talks about “that party last night,” and she is obsessing over some chick flick show on ABC Family. You are now texting your friends to get you out of this. Too late.
5. The Drinker
This girl is an interesting one. She can actually be quite fun, unless she is a horrible drunk. She just keeps drinking that red wine. She will either end up with you all drunk and slutty, or she is going to end up with every guy in the bar…all drunk and slutty. Be careful with this one.
6. The Money Sucker (I have no better word for this…don’t want to think too hard either)
This girl can be paired with The Bitch. She knows you have some dough, she’s judged your car or your watch or whatever else. She expects things. She expects a fancy restaurant, she expects a bottle of wine, she expects you to pick up the tab (yea I always will unless she is The Bitch). Thing is, she never says it, you just know. That is where she gets ya, and you know you have been sucked in. Justify all you want bud but she won’t come back with you unless you know how to work it.
7. The Church Girl
This is the girl you think is perfect. She is down-to-earth, beautiful, not annoying…I mean perfect. Then, mid-conversation she brings up God. (Disclaimer: I have nothing against religion at all, but there are some that take it a little too seriously IMO) You feel so shitty because it’s just not what you want. She is probably the one that wants a serious relationship but you just want to hook up. For the rest of the date you just try to seem interested because she is a nice girl. She is your new friend….yea….
8. The Tease
The worst. You flirt the whole time you are with her and she flirts back. You are pumped, laughs all around. She comes back to your place, you have a guitar that you can serenade her with and you start to feel it out. But, she pulls the “I gotta go” or “we are moving too fast.” Well the flirt turned into the tease. Congrats. Now let me watch TV.
9. The Late Date
You look at the time and you think “fuck I’m late.” You jump in the shower, grab your shit, jump in your car and race to meet your date. The shower didn’t help much because you are now sweating. You get to the place you are meeting her and she is not there. Cool. You take your seat and start sipping or munching on appetizers. 30 minutes have passed, you text her. She says she is running late, after being 30-minutes late already. It’s now been 45 min and you’ve had a great conversation with the waitress and wish you had a date with her. Your actual date now shows up…an hour late. You aren’t interested anymore.
Cheers.
Awesome post.
Sounds like you went to USC bro. In terms of looks, nothing in the country beats socal, but unfortunately the substance isn't quite there.
So fucking true, and I hate the talker.
http://i1177.photobucket dot com/albums/x344/IntheExitRow/dontcaremotion dot gif
this is way too common in the South, annoying as shit. I'm all about spirituality, religion, all of that stuff, I go to church regularly, but it doesn't define everything about me, and to take it to the Nth degree and weave it into every conversation I think just means you aren't interesting enough on your own.
I will say you forgot one critical form of female pest that is ruining otherwise fantastic girls nationwide: the crossfit girl. ugh, just ugh.
The crossfit girl is definitely correlated with the social media girl. And no...I don't want to see how big your bicep is or how much you can squat...
Crossfit girls are interesting. From my experience, they're way more predatory in the gym than the guys.
The Crossfit Girl is a uniquely diabolical creature. I'm all for women, and people in general, who take care of themselves, and as a former crossfitter I can attest there are definitely some cuties who WOD.
But Dear... I don't care how many deadlifts you can do. I know you may find that shocking, but I seem to be fresh out of f*cks to give on how you can exercise really fast.
It is always really funny when it eventually comes out that I personally am not outrageously attracted to very muscular girls. There is cause and effect at play... if you WOD a lot, you get big bulky shoulders. That personally is not my thing; we are attracted to what we are attracted to and that is that. But I've been crucified before for hitting on a model in front of some Crossfit Girls.
What type of hit were you doing?
Also, on a more moral note, it really bothers me when I'm out getting grocery and I hear a Crossfit Girl making fun of somebody in line who has pastries, or ice cream, or chips or some other unhealthy food in their cart. What she does for her business and she is welcome to eat all the kale she wants. Other people are welcome to live the same way, or choose a glorious path of diabetes and high cholesterol if they want.
The grocery store is a judge-free zone!
I'll spare the other monkeys, but I could rant about crossfit for pages upon pages, but I view them as efficient marketeers and democrats, I know we'll never agree so I just ignore their existence as best I can.
Some people eat can eat junk and still live long/look great. It's all about genetics. IMO, real people drink beer. OMG, don't get me started on my muffin obsession!
When I was a single guy my goal was the girl who's IQ & bra size had an inverse correlation. For a brief period I had a (failed) theory where I'd find insecure girls who were fucked up in the head. It led to instant crazy sex but it also led to multiple crazy stalkers who would just show up everywhere and go absolutely nuts.
Would you say it was worth it though? I have been thinking of giving this theory a try but the thought of having crazy stalkers scares the crap out of me.
The sex part was great because most basket cases will do anything. I wasn't aiming for shy girls who were suicidal types (even I was not that much of a dick) but the crazy ones. I'd say as a short term thing it was worth it, especially when you're young and don't really give a fuck about anything (I was right out of college in my first job). One girl showed up at my office once but I worked with a bunch of the most un-pc chauvinist pigs who thought it was the funniest thing they'd seen and I'm pretty sure she raised their opinions of me.
Oh yea...the insecure girl. Avoid dating them. Stage 5ers like you said. You'd be surprised on how many decent looking "nerdy" girls are crazy in bed. The library types.
I find the nerdy girls who are actually attractive and underneath their non-revealing clothes have nice bodies some of the hottest. I don't know why but they do tend to be crazy in bed. Maybe it goes along with the theory that a 10 doesn't have to work at it in between the sheets but a 6 will put in a ton of effort. Same goes with heavy girls, not that I know first hand...
Its just too easy to show up at a club and pick up a girl nowadays. Dress well and look like you're having a good time are the biggest keys. Cheaper than working for it over a date or two as well. My highrise has a pretty badass pool where all the younger people hang out on the weekends too.. makes it really easy to avoid the whole formal date bullshit.
Yes. And this is the fastest growing category. +1.
The amount of self-promotion and narcissism prevalent among our generation is disgusting. Social media has certainly exacerbated this.
The Daddy Issues Girl will crush your soul .
Not if you crush her first.
Maybe its so they know who to look for if she is found in a ditch somewhere...
That is certainly possible.
People go on dates in college? Weird. I just met girls at parties or invite girls to parties. Not sure what the point of dates would be.
Kept it old school once and awhile. Definitely can meet half those types at parties. Maybe I'll throw together a party type post.
You always pay the tab bro?
Nail her friend.
When I was first out of college in the mid 90's not many people who were young 20's had cell phones (and if you did they weren't unlimited plans, you were charged by the minute so you didn't use it much) so there was no texting, no social media and email was a somewhat novel idea so it was much harder for crazy to stalk you. There was no cyber stalking so it had to be physical hence why a crazy ended up at my office (she must have taken a card or something) but it made it much easier to ditch girls. I've seen some of the younger people I work with and while things like tinder and online dating make parts of it easier there are aspects of being constantly connected that must blow. The equivalent of not returning a text could be blamed on your roommate erasing the message off of your answering machine (not even voicemail).
delete
Hmm.. interesting.. I am really just trying to avoid a situation when she will be peeking inside my apt window given that I live on the 1st floor of a brownstone..
Risk/reward...
This is literally the subject of a video I just came across, good stuff.
//www.youtube.com/embed/UVHyS8UbiOE
Hilarious. I feel like "courting" (and I hate quotes) was pretty much the same for probably 100 years, maybe 50, then it so drastically changed that Sociology majors are drooling over how many studies they can do. +
Where the Jewish girls at tho?? The perfect combination of 2-6 IMO. But definitely girls you either love or you hate.
I'm super into Jappy girls (JAP = Jewish American Princess). Could be because I became friends with a lot of them in my first year of college but idk. I'm friends with quite a few Jewish girls from LA, the Tri-State Area, and the North Shore and though I realize these don't apply to all of them, most fall into all the categories described in 2-6.
Once again, obviously this is just my experience with Jappy girls and I'm not trying to lump all Jewish girls under one umbrella. You might be wondering why I find all this attractive, and to that all I can say is I might just be that fucked up but it works for me.
1 would not be a problem if you also happen to be a vegan/vegetarian or aspiring vegetarian of some variety e.g. pollo/pescetarians. Also my impression is that many if not a majority of young professional women in NYC and SF are vegetarians of some sort. Avid red meat-eaters are actually in a minority these days.
Agreed, #1 is not a big deal. In fact she's probably leaner since meat is fatty. The bigger problems are #8 and #9.
Veggie is fine as long as they don't try to force their ideals onto you
Had a definite #8 last night, nightmare
The Lady Boy.
No further explanations needed.
One of the most annoying things is when they are constantly on their phone. Phone in hand, sits down, puts phone down next to her. Then she is on her phone the entire time you are with her. What could be so interesting on Facebook or Instagram, cat videos? Sometimes flip phones would be so great.
That's one of my biggest pet peeves. I always see couples out on dates and neither of them is talking to the other, just typing away.
Hasn't come to this yet, but if a girl does that to me on a date, she's paying half.
Yes, exactly. That's just plain rude. If you don't want to be there, then might as well just leave. Guess the person or things you're looking at on your phone are more important.
a bit from each of 13 sections would make an average girl...
you forgot the most important one:
The Catfish
nuff said.
I think most girls under 25 fall into the FB/Instagram/Snapchat type, they feel they are so important and want that to be validated by comments from people on the internet. It is really discouraging as these types will probably not be good to be in a relationship with until after they are 30 and realize their looks are fading or faded. But then again we are not trying to get married any way so....have fun with the play things
theres a female version of assholes, u know. fucked u once and never called or answered
Where do I find those? Sounds like a dream come true
I remember the first time a girl purely used me for sex. She was a graduating senior, I was finishing up my sophomore year and she just wanted to bang a younger guy. A few girl friends asked if it felt bad, dirty, etc. I replied that it was the greatest experience of my life.
u dont, they find u
I think you used the wrong form of "come".
There is this chick across the hall from my office in a different unit/company (in an office complex) who is smoking hot. I only see her once every few months when our bathroom trips happen to sync up. Do I just ask her out next time I see her?
Tinder garden variety.
Your descriptions are spot on!
You forgot the opinionated artsy/creative chick
True .... but I feel that's 2 different categories:
Highly opinionated (about everything)
Artsy/creative
OP, you also forgot the Stylish One/Fashionista. Takes forever to get ready, but when she does...
The generic female college student.
Actually quite doable.
Ignore them until the get desperate.
The solution is to book at least two dates on the same day.
[quote=Tony Snark]
9. The Late Date
You look at the time and you think “fuck I’m late.” You jump in the shower, grab your shit, jump in your car and race to meet your date. The shower didn’t help much because you are now sweating. You get to the place you are meeting her and she is not there. Cool. You take your seat and start sipping or munching on appetizers. 30 minutes have passed, you text her. She says she is running late, after being 30-minutes late already. It’s now been 45 min and you’ve had a great conversation with the waitress and wish you had a date with her. Your actual date now shows up…an hour late. You aren’t interested anymore.
The solution is to book at l
Paying dinner for girls? Hah.
Unless she's your girlfriend that just shouldn't be happening. It's fine to pick up dinner tab if you do something else and she picks that up, but otherwise, nah.
I think chicks who are really in shape are hot, but if all you have to talk about is how many kipped pull up's you can do or how paleo your diet it then you really are fucking boring.
Cross fit obsessed women are simply bimbo athletes.
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