What If We All Quit At Once?

Hey monkeys,

Keep this post on the DL, and only share with fellow analysts/associates. If you are a VP/above, then stop reading.

I have recently been coming up with a scheme that will guarantee us all better hours/culture.

Many on this forum have discussed unionization before, but there is a fundamental issue: banking is full of type-A losers will refuse to threaten quitting (or lie about quitting) to please their boss in hopes of someday achieving the American dream (MF-PE, head of mass firing).

Given we will be unable to convince around 2/5th of bankers (the aforementioned losers) to quit, the rest of us (3/5ths) need to make a plan that renders anyone who doesn’t quit obsolete. To do this, I have created a plan (“3/5ths plan”, “3/5ths deal”, still working on a name, lmk suggestions).

Essentially, we must all quit and create a firm together. With 3/5ths of all the Wall Street junior talent joining one firm, it would be ludicrous for any company to work with anyone besides us. And since this firm would be created by quitters, we would set the culture (better WLB). While we could create a firm together do this, I have an even better idea: we all join an existing firm.

I understand that this may sound dumb. If we join a firm like Goldman or JPM, then the arrogant bosses will reinstate a bad culture. Given that, we must join a firm that is beat up and barely standing on its own two legs. In a demoralized firm, we could control the pace. If only there was a firm that was constantly made fun of…

That’s right, we must all quit at once and join UBS. The firm is ripe for manipulation. We can save it, and in the process, save ourselves. Creating a firm would take too long and would require building up a name. UBS already has a name, but it lacks strong leadership, making it ideal for our hijacking.

Please sign your full name and SSN below if you want to join the cause. I’ll add you to a discord server.