When do you expect the girl to start paying?

Started seeing a new girl recently and hit it off well - she comes from a decent undergraduate business program and works at a start up. I have a few mutual friends who knows her ex well (dated for a year), and the reason for the breakup was the age gap (~6 years, I'm 2 years apart from her) and income gap / tired of always paying. She works at a startup with 25 employees or so, so can't imagine comp is north of 50k. I'm an associate in IB and make multiples of what she makes.

For the more seasoned folks on this site, curious for your views. Know the typical rule of thumb is 50/50 and I'd cover any expensive dinners / trips / etc that I offer up, but what if the income gap was that significant? 

Comments (32)

5mo 
WolfofWSO, what's your opinion? Comment below:

You've come to the right place for a few reasons. My 0.02, try communicating with her. Good quality communication is the great aphrodisiac.

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5mo 
Isaiah_53_5 💎🙌💎🙌💎, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I dated a girl similar to this amount of income. I generally would pay for dinners, her gas, and the AirBnBs for trips. She would pay for the airfare for trips and we would split the cost of weed. I paid for the majority of groceries as well and also did most of the cooking as she sucked at cooking and I was much better at it. She did give me some bike gear.

For a girl making more money, I pay for dinners in full initially and then when we are official, we usually split dinners and split vacation costs. 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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Most Helpful
5mo 
AngelOfMusic, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Def go with % based. You know she def can't really afford expensive dinners so that's on you to cover but like small lunches or anything you know she can def cover, she should once in a while. Try to just be reasonable but also dont let her off Scott free. She should treat you sometimes even if her treating you is $5 street taco. It's the thought and effort that counts.

Would bring it up after a few dates in a way that you just want to get her take and her views on how relationships should handle dating expenses

5mo 
Sequoia, what's your opinion? Comment below:

This is fair (IF you see a future with this girl, if it's just a casual thing then 50/50)

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5mo 
Kevin25, what's your opinion? Comment below:

the real question is does she offer to pay for anything? a lot of times when girls date somebody who makes good money, they expect you to cover everything and never offer to pay for anything, so it doesn't matter what you expect, they won't pay for shit.

second question is how much do you spend and whether she picks the spots. like, does she always tell you she wants to try expensive restaurants and go shopping etc.?

third question is what is her attitude? is she sweet and kind or entitled af?

=> if it's a sweet and kind girl that doesn't drag you to expensive places and is offering to pay, cover everything yourself always in your situation. if it's an entitled bitch that asks you to take her to expensive restaurants and never offers to pay, then maybe fuck her for a couple of weeks and ditch.

  • 8
5mo 
financeabc, what's your opinion? Comment below:

She should at least off to pay.   If she does offer to pay, you should accept.  It is better for her, regardless of what she earns to pay part of the cost. Go to places she can afford. 

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5mo 
Kairo, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I will always, always insist on paying for the first date. I don't like letting guys pay for me. I actually prefer to split the costs or pay for what I ate alone over being payed for. The whole idea of one person paying for the date just seems a bit uncomfortable in my mind. I've had first dates among myself and my friends where he thought that paying for the first date meant he was entitled to my/our bodies. I avoid that whole situation. I've also found that for the 95% of guys that aren't creepers, this act really throws them at first but they grow to appreciate it with time. " you mean I don't have to pay the first time? Is this a test? A joke?"

I do have some friends that expect a guy to pay for the first date, some that want to split evenly, some that want him to pay for one portion (let's say dinner) and her another (movie or dessert), some that want him to pay for the first date and her for the second date, some that want the person who asked the other person out to pay. After the first date, I tend to actively fight to pay my way - I've been with a couple of guys who just really like the idea of treating their significant other, but I hate feeling beholden to anyone, and I like being able to treat them. There's no consistent answer, women are different and were raised differently and have different stories.

5mo 
IncomingIBDreject, what's your opinion? Comment below:

What if the guy makes it 100% clear he's not interested in sex and just wants to enjoy a meal with you and get to know you as a person?  I've just been raised a bit more conservatively I guess where the guy always asks the girl out, and because he's the one asking her out he pays for the full tab on the first date. Only after the first date would splitting occur. I feel like you'll at some point come across guys who see dating as a wholesome non-transactional relationship (not money for sex) who have been raised differently.

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5mo 
Kairo, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Even if that's the case, I would feel appreciative and also like I owe him. I like keeping things equal, so the next time we go out, I will pay. If he insisted on paying for everything every time, I'd feel very uncomfortable and annoyed but that's who I am. I feel like you also have to treat your person as much as they treat you whether it's something big or small, I don't care. I always treat them because we're talking about two people not just one.

You should always be communicating and trying to gauge where the other person's head is. That's just how I see it.

5mo 
Green_Bananas, what's your opinion? Comment below:

The correct answer is never unless you want a girl that doesn't take your lead or cater to you. Gender roles are in everyone's best interest and you should provide. 

"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse."

5mo 
IncomingIBDreject, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Your friends are telling you all the red flags yet your diving in full force. You literally know that she is high maintenance way above what she can afford and she ends relationships for petty reasons (age gap? really?). I think you need to do some more DD before really committing.

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4mo 
Vænnen, what's your opinion? Comment below:

bottom bucket associate behavior 

5mo 
Isaiah_53_5 💎🙌💎🙌💎, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Isn't it funny how many girls want gender equality until it comes to paying for things. 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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5mo 
nycmadison, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Look, the big picture hard truth is that if you're going to start dating a girl who makes below $50k, and you're [I'm guessing] clearing $250-300k as an IB Associate, you should expect to pay for most things, and anything that she pays for is a bonus. That is just the reality (inb4 the virgin teenagers call me a simp). Ultimately you need to decide whether she's worth that investment because it's only going to get more expensive from here. 

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5mo 
Ozymandia, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Ask her instead of a community composed mainly of alt-right trolls and teenagers pretending to be bankers.

If she says she won't pay for anything, decide accordingly.  If she'll pay for some things, decide accordingly.  Only you know what your values and principles are.

5mo 
IncomingIBDreject, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I think most of the alt-right have been banned at this point. 

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5mo 
Ozymandia, what's your opinion? Comment below:
IncomingIBDreject

I think most of the alt-right have been banned at this point. 

Maybe.  Haven't seen a ton of them, but they seem to come in waves.  Or rather, one person comes in and makes 11 accounts and that is the wave.  

  • 1
5mo 
Mr_Agree_to_Disagree, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I'll leave it to Pizz to drop the carpet bomb of truth. WolfofWSO has already spoken his wisdom.

The poster formerly known as theAudiophile. Just turned up to 11, like the stereo.
5mo 
Miracle1111, what's your opinion? Comment below:

She's basically broke so don't expect her to pay much. However, simping isn't paying for a woman. It's leading with your wallet when she hasn't done anything to deserve it. Basically trying to buy her. You can absolutely pay for everything and not be a simp. You just can't go in there flexing your income. I don't know how to explain it, but there's a difference between spending a lot and trying to impress her and buying her and spending a lot because you like nice things, it's your lifestyle, and she's with you. You also have to feel out if she's taking your willingness to spend as a weakness and you simping or she respects you.

Every relationship is different so I can't tell you if she's using you, only you can assess that. Does she put in work to make your life better, does she help you with anything, is she present with you or always on her phone or talking about herself? Does she offer to pay for anything? I mean she can afford a coffee or a dinner here and there. Is she reliable or a flake? Does she respect your time? I mean you're in banking so you're probably more of a flake than her at a start-up. Does she understand that? You just have to make sure she's not using you for a come-up, does she like you for you or your salary? I guess that's the dilemma we all face.

For example, my girlfriend has basically become my personal assistant. She schedules my doctor's appointments and reminds me of certain things. I never asked her to do that. She just saw a place in my life where she could fit in and assist me, and she took the initiative to help. That's just an example, there are many more. So you just gotta feel out if she's earning the money you're going to spend on her.

If it was me, I wouldn't hit her with a number. Give it some time to see if she's going to offer or make herself useful in another way. If other men have had a problem with her then she may just be looking for a come-up. You can also take her places where you know she can afford just to give her a chance to pay something. Like I said coffee isn't gonna break the bank, and pizza isn't either.

You gotta remember, with women it's all about how you make them feel, not what you say. So you can't let her feel like she can use you, she has to feel respect for you. She also can't feel like you think that she's a golddigger and a bad person.

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4mo 
John Stone, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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