Women playing hard to get?
My early / mid-20s are coming to an end, and as many others do, have become increasingly sick of laying chum (shoutout Frank Reynolds) at the bar and the meaningless hookup that sometimes follows. Have increased my activity on dating apps recently as a result. I live in a HCOL city with a large dating pool, so there is good depth on apps. I am not going to comment on my physical stature or appearance but I generally have good opportunities w/ women (please dont call me an incel). My strategy has always been to take the chat off the dating app as soon as possible - usually after the girl agrees to get together or if we've traded a few messages and she seems enthusiastic. It has been great success (Borat voice) in getting to that point; i'd say 95% of the time I ask I have gotten the number.
My question is mostly focused on the next step of actually going out with the girl. Several times, the relatively higher quality (my perspective from viewing their profile) women have told me they "have crazy schedules" (or something along those lines), for the next couple weeks but would love to setup a time to get together at some point when things "calm down". I am unsure how to read that response. Are these girls actually booked solid to where they have zero availability? Doubtful. I am starting to believe that these women are either: 1) playing hard to get 2) trying to delay and see if they can match with other, possibly more desirable prospects or 3) are already at the beginning stages of a possible relationship with someone else and want to see where it goes (believe this is most likely). Would love to hear from anyone else with similar experience. Obviously want to go out with these women but don't want to come off as desperate - what's the best approach here?
Before people start calling me insecure or an incel, I would like to state that I have been on many dates with decent girls since being more active and that I am really just looking to start a discussion / hear from others that may have similar experience. I also have an active dating life outside of apps but figured supplementing activity on Hinge could be a good way to increase net volume / expedite process.
Thanks in advance to the forum
Just take them at their word and move on. You got better things (people?) to do with your time than chasing them. If you really are that good of a catch and they're trying to play hard to get, they'll come back to you instead. Be hard to get yourself because you're too busy being a bigger, better, person.
If someone is enthusiastic enough about something, they will make time for it or at the very least propose a workaround/alternative. However, I think it's important to understand how sheerly saturated a girl's inbox can really be with interested candidates. The analysis paralysis and volume of messages can exhaust a person's ability to make an effort, even if there's some great choices at hand. At that point, even getting something as simple as a drink/coffee can seem exhausting and a chore.
The best analogy relatable to most of us is an investor sifting through a stack of attractive deals. Some deals in isolation may look great but when you have so many deals to go through, you end up narrowing criteria to a number of metrics (height, red flags, etc.).
I personally know I don't score well when placed side-by-side against relevant comps (lol) so I'm forced to meet people via day-to-day encounters.
Those girls aren’t that into you. That’s it.
You need to increase the number of avenues that you meet girls through. If you rely on one or two dating apps, it will feel like you’re constantly being swerved. Apps should just be a supplement to the dates you’re setting up from people you meet day to day. That’s how women use it at least.
The reality is that when you’re messaging the hottest girls on Hinge, you’re not competing with another guy from Hinge - you’re competing with the guy she knows from her social circle. And you will always lose that battle.
You should only be asking a girl from an app on a date if you have a free night and you’re bored. But you should rarely have free nights because you should always out doing stuff with friends if you’re not working. If the only thing you do when you go out is drink, that’s part of your problem too. Hard to make real connections that way
I’ll also add one more critique. Don’t spend a ton of time texting girls from dating apps. I typically ask them out after 3-5 text exchanges. I’ll say something like “I’m free Thursday night if you want to grab drinks/food at x restaurant in x neighborhood. Shoot me your number if you’re free”. It gives the girl the ultimatum immediately - basically I’m not interested in talking if you’re not free at that time. If she’s not free at that time, she has to give an alternative otherwise we’re not continuing the convo
What activities do you recommend to meet people (not even to pick up women but just generally)?
I've been trying to find new weekend hobbies and cut back on alcohol consumption. None of my friends (over half work in finance) really seem to do anything other than drinking and going out or if they are cuffed spending time with their girlfriends. Probably sounds stupid but I'm not really sure what to go do. Sometimes I've gone to random events (cooking classes, museums, workout classes, etc.) solo but have found most people are there in groups so not that easy to break in either. I live in NYC fwiw.
Anything that’s weekly / repeatable. It’s rare to meet someone one time and hit it off so well that you become friends. Not all of these are things I enjoy, but here’s a list
I also see your conundrum of going to big, casual meet ups and everyone already knows each other there. The best place to start is a smaller, weekly group where you’re forced to interact with each other each week. Softball teams, kickball, a weeks-long group tennis class, whatever. Everyone will join the team at the same time and everyone is there to meet new people.
Once you’ve made a few new friends there (it will probably take a few tries, you sometimes get unlucky when randomly matched with 12 strangers), then you can go to a bigger meetup function like run club, workout classes, etc with your new friends and it will be easier to meet people there
I generally agree with the above, women aren't interested... but if you never have free nights and never ask anyone out, you're going to be single for a while. Take a shot and move on if they clearly aren't into it.
I'd respond to that "crazy schedule" type answer with some specificity - "Think you could make time for a drink next Tues or Weds?"
Then it's in their court to either keep being coy (dip out at that point) or offer a different day. Try to keep the first meetings short - drink, coffee, etc - rather than the commitment of a dinner, so either of you can escape if needed. And avoid Fri/Sat nights for the first few dates.
Sounds like they're playing the same game you are!
Suggest a specific day or two and let them respond with a better time. If they do, great, you've given them the benefit of the doubt and it all worked out. If not... nothing wagered, nothing lost.
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