Feeling lost after being pushed out
Leaving on good terms from my large-cap team, after getting into my first choice MBA (H/S). The plan was always to get an MBA, I selected to interview at this mega-cap fund largely because of its MBA placement, and if you told me when I joined 3 years ago that this would be my outcome, I’d be overjoyed. But honestly I’ve felt the most “lost” I ever have, including taking up substance abuse and needing therapy the past few months (the latter is helping with the former).
I didn’t get top bucket last summer and felt that was the writing on the wall that I wouldn’t get a chance to stay long-term (my fund isn’t a guaranteed “2 and out” but I’d say less than 10% of associates stay long term, so the vast majority of associates “fighting for it” end up disappointed). A few months ago after getting into MBA, I communicated my intentions to my team that I wanted to find another job after MBA. I honestly felt the decision was mutual (my team didn’t ask me proactively about staying and didn’t fight me when I shared I wanted to pivot). I crafted an MBA story around wanting to be entrepreneurial and starting a new fund / joining a newly-founded one, and truly believed it when I communicated these plans.
Fast-forward to today: there ended up being way more seats than expected for VP. There are probably 2-3 seats that I could’ve competed for. I kick myself for “taking myself out of the race” given it’s the first time in my life I’ve really given up on a goal proactively vs. chasing it to the end. My team is talking to external candidates and likely the other associate in my class will get promoted too (he is not doing MBA); no one has asked me once about the seats or the possibility of staying, so I’ve felt extremely overlooked / don’t think I would get the seat even if I was super direct about it.
In an industry where the vast majority of PE mega-cap associates don’t get VP promote, how have other monkeys dealt with the confidence blow? I’m worried I’m over-correcting and deciding to pursue newer funds because my confidence in succeeding in big-cap PE has been destroyed. I’ve been a solid performer here and at a top EB, but I’m feeling really inadequate and wondering if I’m just being self-aware vs. seriously over-correcting by pivoting careers. Or is it as simple as I need to be more communicative to my team about my interest in staying? Appreciate y’all
I will give you advice that may not seem helpful right now. But it is the advice you need even if it seems dramatic or unhelpful.
Stress happens when there are actions we can take and we don’t, or there are actions we can’t take that we do, in our minds, over and over, and imagine an alternate reality.
Therefore having stress is not logical. You just shouldn’t have it.
Ok — now think about your career logically. Is the decision you made likely to cause you to have a materially worse career? I don’t think so. Do you think so?
Second — think about your life. We have 75 precious years. You now have 50. How will you spend them? Will you spend them regretting how you spend them as you spend them? Some people do. Sometimes it feels good to spiral and obsess over what could have been different, because the alternative, to accept reality, is scary. You could do that your whole life. Some people do and so they live in real-time regret.
But then one day they get hurt in a car accident. Or they get a bad diagnosis. Or their mind begins to leave them. And they realize that in fact they had such a wonderful life, with great relationships, health, and so many possibilities.
The hardest thing sometimes is to accept that life can’t be perfected, and to let one or some of those possibilities become your life.
Go to a new fund or an established one after your MBA. Or do something else. Make the decision for yourself. But don’t choose to feel this pain.
My friend —
I am hearing a lot of anxiety and “keeping up with the joneses” mentality from you. Which, to be clear, is valid and we all have.
Please tell me if this isn’t fair, but I hear a lot from you on what you feel like you’re SUPPOSED to do, and what is the fanciest and sexiest career. Nowhere do I hear you talk about what you actually like to do. Would you have actually liked to be a VP on that team? I get the sense that you would not have.
The fact of the matter is you have “proved” yourself already— you went to a EB, a mega fund, and H/S. There are people who have no idea what any of those terms mean that live happy, lucrative lives.
But life is short, like the other commenter said. You owe it to yourself to pursue a career you actually enjoy and doesn’t send you to therapy and a path of substance abuse.
All of this is to say — I would encourage you to take a trip / spend some time not thinking aboht any of this shit. Then, you should come back and think about what you actually enjoy. What kind of life do you want to live, what kind of tasks do you want out of a job. Then you will get closer to figuring out what to do.
I get why you are feeling this way, but going down the path of self loathing bc you are not on the most prestigious path ever will not give you any sort of return. As hard as it is, you need to channel that energy into high ROI reflections.
You have to separate your ego and sense of self worth from work. It’s not a meritocracy or a reflection on who you are as a person. At one fund you could click with everyone and be partner track, at another you’re bottom bucket with the same performance. It’s an old boys club where performing at a high level is a baseline expectation and the differentiator for career growth is almost exclusively politics and perception.
Given that paradigm, I would encourage you to spend less time optimizing for getting a good grade in life (high school and college is over and you don’t have a GPA or report card for adult life) and more time focusing on getting what you want (money, flexibility, interesting work, etc). No one outside the walls of your firm gives a single shit what your job is, what your title is, or if you’re top bucket or bottom bucket. They care about the person you are and life you are living outside of work, so optimize for that instead.
not sure what you want. if you wanna go back to your old firm, ask for it dummy. worst that can happen is they say no.
if that doesn't work out, then continue with business school and re-recruit, and learn from your mistakes. you have the perfect resume, not sure what you're so stressed about.
Edit: seems like I worded this badly, but my point is don't be so harsh on yourself OP. You might be overthinking things and coming up with negative implications in your head. Don't worry about what this or that might mean, just be very clear with yourself about what you want, and go for it.
Seems like you took a calculated decision that backfired a little, it's ok, so what. Maybe it really was the right decision at the time, doesn't mean you're not cut out for anything.
You’re getting monkey shit because of the way you said it but I don’t really disagree with the content and neither should OP. The issue is he is spiraling instead of living — start doing all the things you need to be doing to understand the universe of possible next steps and then get back to living as soon as possible when you catch yourself in such a state of mind. It happens from time to time!
Want advice? Get a grip. Feeling sorry for yourself because you voluntarily left your MFPE role paying half a million dollars to go to the world’s most prestigious university to do an elite level qualification that’s going to provide you with even more brand and a network to set you up literally for life, to the point where you’ll be able to walk into almost any job in the world?
Goodness me, you are quite literally the 1% of the 1% and you’re feeling bad because this is the one time your ego hasn’t been caressed 24/7? What more do you want out of life?
This may come across strong, but it needs to. You need a reality check and some perspective.
Dude people are allowed to ask for help no matter what path they are on. It’s advice this guy needs to hear, but why do you think people ask these things here anonymously vs. openly in the bullpen? OP - please get help on the substance abuse, that’s not a way to live and honestly the thing that I think you need to prioritize solving for
Of course they are allowed to ask for help. The help OP needs is to be told that, despite how he may feel, the sky is most certainly not falling and it’s ridiculous to think otherwise.
Which megafund are you at? Doesn’t have to be th one name but can you provide an idea of which ones.
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