Day in the Life lol

Ah yes, a day in the life at Citi. Buckle up, kid.

7:00am – Wake up in my Murray Hill shoebox, gently kissed by the scent of leftover halal and regret. I shotgun a Celsius, say a quick prayer to Jamie Dimon, and log on. No one notices.

8:00am – Staffer pings me: "Can you turn these comments by 8:30?" The deck is 97 pages. MD just changed “robust” to “resilient” on every slide and now wants it back to “robust.” Classic.

10:00am – Analyst 1’s crying in the team room because VP ghosted her for 3 days and just resurfaced asking why the model’s not done. I offer emotional support in the form of a blank stare.

12:00pm – Lunch? Brother, this is Citi. I earn my Seamless credit by playing Hunger Games with compliance. Half the menu is “blocked due to policy.” Settle for a sad chopped salad that costs $21.34 and tastes like depression.

2:00pm – Call with a client who definitely won’t do the deal. MD drops “synergies” 47 times. Associate makes a joke about “work-life balance” and we all laugh in unison. Then we cry in silence.

4:00pm – Staffer calls: “We’re pulling you off Industrials and putting you on Tech.” I’ve never even turned on a computer before. I nod and say “Sounds good.”

7:00pm – Associate tells me the deck’s perfect. I feel joy for the first time in months. MD sends comments 45 minutes later: “Let’s reframe the whole story. Need by EOD.”

12:00am – Still reframing. The “story” is now about a company with negative EBITDA that we’re pitching as the next Amazon. Even ChatGPT told me this deal was cooked.

3:00am – Finally log off. I look in the mirror and see a husk of a man. My roommates think I’m a ghost. My parents think I work at Citibank.

Repeat.