30 weeks later: Associate Edition
Week 1: Training
You arrive through the glass doors in your suit and tie - the same one you leveraged for all of those Business School visits, days on the job and interviews. When will that relocation bonus arrive? You and 30 other incoming Associates sit in this large hall. One guy came in with a tie with dolphins or some shit. Everybody noticed but nobody cares. This is nobody's first job or first suit. Nobody is Snapchatting - well, one woman sitting in the front is but she looks like 24. What is she - HR? 2+2 program? Fucking millenials.
Week 12: First Week On The Job
Training is over. You passed the Series exams. You and your newfound friends refresh your own pages on the FINRA site to make sure your scores went through. Will be useful for lateraling in case this whole thing goes to shit. You go to your cubicle and catch the eye of some analysts. One of them that looks 130 lbs soaking wet is also wearing that dolphin tie. You can't stop yourself from audibly guffawing.
Two weeks have passed, but you haven't noticed since you have put over 400 weeks of work prior. Your single friends huddle in a small group and are making plans to go out. Married Associates don't even bother asking what other people are doing this weekend, and other people don't bother to ask them anymore.
Friday afternoon. It's 5:00 PM on a Friday, which means nothing more to you than T-1 hours until you are allowed by the T&E policy to order dinner. It's all you look forward to anymore. How your day is going is determined by what time you start to make dinner ordering plans. If it's 4:00 or later, you've had a busy or otherwise pleasant day. Your friend from training's homepage is Eater - he's not going to make it until his signing bonus vests.
It's been 4 weeks on this deal and the pace has been pretty chill. Your MD doesn't bother you during the day, which gives you time to check your 401(k) performance and brag about it to your friends who chose the target date fund. Your analyst Kyle, however, is such a nervous ball of energy. Maybe it's because it's been 10 weeks since he started and while PE recruiters are already calling, he hasn't closed a deal. Nights have been late but that's just par for the course - you have settled into the rhythm and expect to get blown up by your MD late since she's in London on business. Your VP asks you to check in on Kyle's progress. You do so and his face turns beet red and his fingers pound harder at the keys afterward. These kids are so weird.
Buyside transaction dies. You celebrate internally - by this point in your career, you know that "pencils down" is the sweetest sound on God's green earth. Kyle is chilling out a bit but you worry when you stop by at 10 AM and see Seamless on his left screen with WSO on his right.
How long has it been? Doesn't matter. People gossip like hell. Your VP gave you check-in feedback to manage Kyle a little more tightly since he has made some notable spelling errors on his decks when rushing through them late at night. For some reason this has reflected badly on you. Doesn't Kyle realize he can work ahead on most of this stuff? How will he be able to handle a real workload when in PE? Kyle probably hates me by now, which is too bad, he's not such a bad dude but needs to dial it down a bit.
You walk through the glass doors in your suit and tie - the same one you leveraged for all of those Business School visits. Your relo check came through ages ago, but you used it to pay down your loans from B-School. Besides, there's nothing sexier than a man without debt - you tell yourself. Your analysts are already looking markedly different than when they started - their clothes have gotten much nicer, but they are coming in with baggy eyes and look physically like hell. "Why are they blowing so much money on clothes when they never see clients?" you think, but keep to yourself. You refresh Facebook since the number of notifications has exceeded 100 on the app, and notice you missed 15 birthdays. You scroll through the Wall - or is it called Newsfeed? Newsreel? Whatever - and notice a B-School friend is posting pictures at Venice beach time-stamped 3 PM on Wednesday. Fucking product managers. Fucking millenials. Where the fuck is this turn? You fire up Good and rattle off a check-in email to Kyle.
Disclaimer: [TBU -]