Can you critique my cold email?

Little too generic, I would open with, "I'm a [X year] student at [university] interested in breaking into Industry."

Then, I would immediately bring up something that you two have in common, same school, same club, etc. or try to find a natural way to weave it into your intro. Then ask for their availability to get on a call. I used to try to make it easier for them by listing out timeframes in the next week and asking if any of those worked for them to hop on for a quick call. 
 

It's more effective to start with reaching out to people who have something in common with you, they're more likely to respond. 

I don't think this is necessarily bad, just needs some tuning up. Introduce yourself first, "I'm zachhq, a second year Accounting and Finance major at ... university. After interning with Company or joining Club, I became interested in equity research. I would like to learn more about your time at Company while covering the Auto and Aftermarket Parts sector. Let me know if you are available to speak sometime this week."

Don't need to include your linkedin page.