Family cutting me off if I move to NYC for IB internship

Prospect in IB - Gen

Lucky to receive an offer at a BB for summer 2021 (current sophomore). My parents have told me before they won't pay for my college or support me financially if I want to move to New York. I grew up in a semi abusive and very controlling household. My parents feel that I will never see them again and they want me to be an immediate part of their lives. I don't feel this way.

I go to a private college with expensive tuition and would have to come up with $40,000 per year if my parents pulled their money. This would obviously be a difficult thing to do even factoring in BB intern pay.

I haven't told them about the offer yet. They would explode with rage if they found out. I've already accepted the offer and plan on telling them this spring after they help pay for my junior year of college.

What would you guys do? I have a family friend that's offered for me to live for free with him in NYC next summer. Any other resources that might be of use? Should I let the firm know and see if they have any resources to help?

Comments (70)

Most Helpful
May 6, 2020

I don't know what type of an answer you're looking for on this forum - this sounds like more of a long-term problem so I would talk to expert counselors. You already accepted the offer and you want to work in IB specifically in NYC. If I were you, I would reach out to the in-house counselors at your college to talk to them about this situation. Most colleges offer free sessions so I don't see how a couple meetings with them will cut a deep hole in your pocket. Congrats on the offer and acceptance!

Array

    • 26
  • Prospect in IB-M&A
May 6, 2020

Maybe you could reapply for financial aid( if your school has it) and on the application indicate that your parents aren't contributing anymore? Not sure if this will work or not but it's worth a shot

May 7, 2020

If his parents are claiming him as a dependent still FASFA will want his parents tax info, I'm 99% sure anyways

Gun rights activist
  • Prospect in IB-M&A
May 7, 2020

True, but I think for the College board profile there's a section that says expected contribution from parents

May 13, 2020

You're right. My family situation sounds pretty similar to the OP. The only way to get around the dependent status on FASFA is to have a judge declare you independent. It's a pain in the ass to get my parents to fill out the FASFA every year.

    • 1
May 8, 2020

It's incredibly hard to prove that your parents won't pay for your college tuition, especially if they claim you as a dependent on their income taxes. I had a friend who was able to do it only because he hadn't lived with his nuclear family for several years and might've been legally disowned or so long estranged from them that my college was willing to help. I think be able to prove it this late into college might be super challenging. Best way to handle this would be reaching out to a financial aid counselor. Fingers crossed it works out for OP.

Array

    • 1
May 11, 2020

sounds like he should speak with a regular counsellor first, build up a case file, and then approach financial aid once he's built up enough of a paper trail

May 6, 2020

Go for the internship, get away from that household. Talk to your school's counselor about this situation. Additionally, see a therapist ASAP. You probably have deep wounds from living in such a household.

Do you live at home or dorm? If you're living at home, I would also recommend studying abroad for a semester to see what it's like to get away from them.

PM me if you need some advice.

Array

    • 6
May 6, 2020

Find a family therapist/social worker at your academic institution and begin to meet with them (virtually) in discussing the dynamics of your family. I'll stop short of opining on your family situation, as I am not a professional.

Candidly, starting your career as an analyst at a bulge bracket platform still warrants ~$80,000 in undergraduate student loans--not ideal, but a drop in the bucket of lifetime earnings. Suggesting deceitful behavior seems weird, but I would also consider squeezing junior year tuition out of your parents before telling them of your internship. They won't know that you had to recruit this far in advance to land the internship. Regardless of your decision, congratulations.

    • 22
May 7, 2020

Yeah I agree with all of this. In OP's situation I would 100% tell my parents to bite it and go into debt. I would also not let my parents claim me as dependent anymore (not sure how that can be done if your parents won't agree), this is because FASFA might cover wayyyy more tuition this way. I don't know however, how it will work after you pay taxes for the summer internship that might FASFA believe you're good enough on your own.

Gun rights activist
    • 1
May 10, 2020

Family therapy is your answer here, regardless of if you decide to move to NYC or not. Your parents are treating you like you are 7 years old, and if you think it will magically get better the older you get, you are fooling only yourself.

  • Prospect in IB-M&A
May 6, 2020

Don't tell your bank. Leave the personal issues separate. I think some of the above comments are good and what I would have suggested

    • 6
    • 1
  • Analyst 1 in CorpFin
May 6, 2020

Is the problem that they don't want you to move to nyc or that they don't want you to take any job outside your hometown that requires more than 40 hrs a week? If the former, maybe see if you can switch the offer to a city closer to your hometown.

    • 1
    • 11
May 7, 2020

this is terrible advice

    • 18
    • 1
  • Analyst 1 in CorpFin
May 7, 2020

How so? Say the problem is that OP's parents don't want them to move to NYC but don't have a problem with them working in IB. Also, assume that they're from SF/Chicago/Houston/LA, they just ask to switch their offer to one of those cities and avoid an additional family confrontation.

    • 4
  • Associate 1 in IB - Ind
May 6, 2020

I don't know your family situation but I would call their bluff. Most parents would not cut their child off during college, especially parents who also went to college and know it's a necessity for a successful career/fulfilling life. Make the logistical arrangements and do the necessary financial planning to make it through summer. After, deal with your parents and explore opportunities closer to home if you would be willing to work in another city appease your parents.

    • 2
    • 1
May 6, 2020

LOL Bye Felicia. Take the loans, take the internship, never look back. Who knows what else they will want to control in your life - where you will live, when you buy a house, who you will marry?

If you want the abuse to end, it can end this summer, forever. Not an easy decision but it's not your fault in any way.

"They want me to be an immediate part of their lives" - what do YOU want? What happens when they're old? Dead? How long are you going to let them control you?

Now, I know some families, especially international / Asian ones like my wife's, have basically groomed their children to be their permanent caretakers and live vicariously through their careers and family choices. That being said, you can still take care of your parents, visit your parents, and be part of their life.... while having your own life. You will have many more choices to make without their input and might as well practice now. If they really cared about you, they would support your decisions because they are yours, they would want you to be independent and CHOOSE to love them, and they would rather feel pain themselves than selfishly limit your dreams or ambitions.

EDIT: caveat: if there is an easy middle ground, like if they live in SF or CHI or something and you would be open to going there and it wouldn't limit your job prospects w.r.t banking, you can still take a NY internship and network to go to a regional office for FT, or temporarily go to NY FT while eyeing an internal transfer down the road. This internship is only a few weeks of your life and if they can't let you go for that long, good luck doing anything meaningful independently in the future.

    • 13
May 7, 2020

I'd be careful giving life advice on something this serious... Nobody here is a professional / has even close to enough information to be opining on this topic.

OP - reach out to professional help. That has already been recommended, but I will reiterate. IB is a stressful job. I know from personal experience that family stress can make it significantly worse. To that point, the best advice I can give is to figure out your family situation with a professional. Never ignore these issues. Irreverence of youth might make family issues seem trivial after graduating college, but I promise you they aren't in the grand scheme of things.

    • 3
    • 1
May 7, 2020

SB'd, it's a good counterpoint. All of the above is just my personal opinion and of course OP has his/her own unique set of circumstances, needs, and desires.

That being said, OP is indeed at a crossroads. This is a big decision to make. I know we talk about the butterfly effect but seriously, thinking back on my life, where I did college internships and where I took my first full time job has changed my current life in every possible way. It's impacted who I ended up marrying, where I live, my entire CV, and therefore also my future prospects, my child, my hobbies, friends, etc. It would be really interesting to make a slightly different choice 10 years ago and see what impact that would have, but ultimately we live and love the situation we're in.

    • 1
May 6, 2020

Bump.

"Markets can stay irrational longer than you can stay solvent."

  • Intern in S&T - FI
May 7, 2020

in the end we only regret the choices we didn't make. I was on track to playing pro sports before parents forced me to drop it to concentrate on academics/college entrance exams (think: conservative Asian family where going to college is everything) - It's been a good few years now but I still resent them for that. Don't live ur life for other people, even if it's ur parents

    • 2
  • Intern in IB-M&A
May 7, 2020

What sport?

May 11, 2020

Jeremy Lin?

    • 2
May 7, 2020

Look, I grew up in a semi-abusive family too and personally know some people who actually got cut off and paid through college themselves. You should definitely go for the internship anyway, but here are a few additional things I'd do:

  1. Squeeze out as much money from your parents as possible before breaking the news. Make something up if you have to (e.g. tuition payment moved forward). Of course, do this if you are sure that your parents are going to cut you off and not bluffing.
  2. Start saving as much as possible, forget about the lifestyle you used to have. Stay over at friends house when possible, look for other possible sources of income. In my country (not US), private tutoring high school kids pays like crazy.
  3. If all else fails and you couldn't afford your university tuition, you could always take a gap semester and take a job to pay off the tuition, or better yet, go for another decent-paying internship, you already got a BB experience afterall. Also, you will get an extra summer between your 4th and 5th year.
    • 3
  • Associate 2 in CorpDev
May 7, 2020

Ask your parents to come talk to me, I'll sort your problem

    • 2
May 7, 2020

This is a bit rambley as on my phone but here's how you could do it

Why not tell them you're going travelling with friends this summer through xyz mountains and will see them at the end. You can then make up excuses for not being in constant contact (I assume this is a thing) etc and take a camera with you. Then just don't take any photos (duh) and don't call them in a medium they can get video, then you can say you fell n in a river and destroyed the camera/phone so no proof of your trip, oops. Then enjoy your internship but make sure to come back a week after the end with a tan (ie Don't get fat and make sure to spend your last weekend in the sun!)

Offshore liffe

    • 2
  • Intern in IB-M&A
May 8, 2020

lol you think this kids parents, who he describes as abusive, controlling, and would cut him off for doing an internship, would be okay with 10 weeks of unsupervised travel? This is beyond stupid

    • 1
May 10, 2020

Thank you for staying anonymous in your response dear intern

Offshore liffe

    • 2
May 7, 2020

DO NOT TALK TO THE BANK ABOUT IT. I don't want to hear about your issues.

College financial advisers will let you take all the damn loans in the world that you need so all good. Get your parents to pay for Junior year. Go to the family friends and save bank during the summer. Pay with loans your senior year of college and start in NY as a banker and be rich.

    • 6
    • 1
May 7, 2020
Disjoint:

DO NOT TALK TO THE BANK ABOUT IT. I don't want to hear about your issues.

College financial advisers will let you take all the damn loans in the world that you need so all good. Get your parents to pay for Junior year. Go to the family friends and save bank during the summer. Pay with loans your senior year of college and start in NY as a banker and be rich.

I generally agree with not to do any whining whatsoever about personal issues to your employer.

But what about COVID-19? If it's a BB and a large trading floor and all kinds of screwy business continuity and productivity issues this summer, postponing the internship a summer might be a possibility for a sophomore.

That's a play that might work and cuts the risk from two years of college to one, and would likely hopefully do so with a FT offer in hand.

If OP decides to go the NYC route, once he gets that FT offer, he's golden-- at least pragmatically from a career perspective. And hopefully if he gets it in 2021, and not a summer return offer now during COVID season, there is less economic risk.

    • 3
May 7, 2020

I believe it's already a post-junior summer internship since it's for summer of 2021. They can't and won't need to postpone it.

Array

May 7, 2020

Since the relationship with your parents seems to be pretty bad anyway, why not just lie to them?

"I wanted to let you know that I've been made an offer to work in NY this summer, and I've been promised by the bank that if it goes well, they will make me an offer to join their Middleofnowhere office upon graduation which is only 30 minutes from home. This seems like my best shot of being able to secure a full time job in the area, otherwise I'd probably have to look further afield after college. What do you think?"

    • 2
May 7, 2020
Ironuts:

Since the relationship with your parents seems to be pretty bad anyway, why not just lie to them?

"I wanted to let you know that I've been made an offer to work in NY this summer, and I've been promised by the bank that if it goes well, they will make me an offer to join their Middleofnowhere office upon graduation which is only 30 minutes from home. This seems like my best shot of being able to secure a full time job in the area, otherwise I'd probably have to look further afield after college. What do you think?"

ABSOLUTELY THIS

  • Incoming Analyst in S&T - Other
May 7, 2020

I'm not convinced dishonesty is the way to go here. It seems that would only strain the relationship further and you probably don't want to remember down the line that you squeezed your parents out back in college. Consider telling them you've finalized your decision (and, if they're willing to listen, explain why) and that you hope they'll support you, even if not monetarily. You should be able to figure out the tuition issue if you were able to get a great offer. Also consider graduating early and discussing with school the possibility of taking additional courses and even doing some over the summer online.

    • 1
May 7, 2020

I suggest listening to Sailing by Christopher Cross before making any decisions moving forward. Anything below Air Pod Pros will echo poor quality.

May 8, 2020
BBCinIB:

I suggest listening to Sailing by Christopher Cross before making any decisions moving forward. Anything below Air Pod Pros will echo poor quality.

It'll make you jump, jump

May 7, 2020

You already knew the answer at ''abusive household''. No brainer. It's the ship you've been waiting your whole life to jump on and leave everything behind.

And save the money for the therapist or similar college counsellors. Utterly worthless.

    • 2
May 7, 2020

But really what are the odds your parents would do that. My parents don't want me to move away either and are upset that I will be working for long hours and won't have loads of time off to see them. But I told them that I enjoy the work that I'd be doing and I needed to do it to follow a career. If they keep you from doing what you want, you will resent them and distance yourself anyways.

I would sit down with them and say just that. It's your dream, and you're going to follow it. You aren't going to abandon them, and cut them out of your life but you're getting older and need to start thinking about a career.
Also, when you have free time you guys can meet up or plan a vacation or two out ahead of time.

All of this assumes you convert to FT anyways. If they are insistent that you can't do it, then I'd do what you think is best. Maybe that means taking out loans for two years (you'll have less than most people bc they covered the first two).

Pretty messed up that they would hold you back like that. But sit down and have a genuine conversation and explain why you want to do it, why you enjoy it, the doors that it opens up, etc.

Good luck

xx,

Twizzzz

May 7, 2020

Just go for it

May 7, 2020

Parents don't like the life you lead? f*** you, Mom and Dad.' See how it feels when you're makin' their f***kin' Lexus payments.

    • 2
Controversial
May 7, 2020
technoviking:

Parents don't like the life you lead? f*** you, Mom and Dad.' See how it feels when you're makin' their f***kin' Lexus payments.

Having a good relationship with your family is a significant positive to both your health and their health.

To the extent that you can-- having a good relationship with your community's religious values-- is also a positive.

I am not saying that OP should write off New York.

I am not saying that OP's family is not being selfish in asking him to write off New York.

What I am saying is that "New York or Bust" is bad advice from WSO, and incredibly self-centered on our part.

Look, if OP is from Montana, that is going to be difficult. But it's a different story if he's from a big city like Tampa or Minneapolis or San Francisco.

I also think that we are going to see more telecommuting and remote working after COVID.

If OP can find that local BB IBD job-- if Citi has a regional office that actually does deals near him-- that might be a good compromise. If OP is in Chicago, well, he has LaSalle Street, and all of the HFT and PE money associated with it to boot.

New York Or Bust is a very WSO-centric model and we need to have some empathy for the family and personal situation. My story is that NYC did help me break in for the first couple years, but I got my huge break from Chicago-- I wanted to move home to be closer to my family, and it all just sort of worked out.

    • 7
    • 6
May 7, 2020

His relationship with his parents is already shit? He described it as abusive, fuck toxic family no reason to salvage any of that

Gun rights activist
    • 2
May 8, 2020

You aren't getting enough credit for this clutch "Boiler Room" reference.

https://youtu.be/JfIKzReNDF4?t=232

May 7, 2020

Have been in a similar situation. Parents threatened to cut off support unless I followed the career path they wanted for me. In my case, I just lied and told them I was, FERPA protected me. Eventually, they came around and supported me.

It's difficult to call whether it's a bluff or not. Plan as if they will not help you, that way you can only be pleasantly surprised.

  1. Squeeze every dime out of them. That way you would only have to pay for senior year.
  2. Find a therapist, or try to at least see someone for a few sessions. Anything helps. It's hard to set down pride to find one. Doesn't matter. Do it. Reflect on your takeaways from these sessions and try to actively implement some mental changes. There's likely long-term trauma.
  3. ESTABLISH DISTANCE AND COMPLETE INDEPENDENCE (financial most importantly). DO NOT TALK TO THEM for a good long while. The time duration depends on how frequently you communicated with them before. The distance helps you gain perspective. There's probably a lot of built up negativity and resentment. The distance helps you become more objective. It also helps you realize what you need for mental health. It allows you to set boundaries when/if you start talking to them again. Distance also helps you realize you are independent and takes away some of that fear factor. It's really scary breaking away from patterns like this, and a lot of the fear is ingrained from childhood.

Best of luck, congratulations on the offer in the city. You're going to kill it

    • 2
May 7, 2020

If this were Junior year, on a practical level, this would be possible for you. You'd be getting $15K in funding from the internship, and having a FT offer would make you pretty darned creditworthy for $40K in additional funds. Whether you want to do it or not would be another question.

As a sophomore, I'd try to find something close to home, or-- if you really want this-- to try to finagle this into a junior year internship on account of covid.

It would be irresponsible of us to gloss over the family issues here, and I think you have a lot of decisions to make.

As a 34 year old, I can tell you I've leaned a lot on my family and they've leaned a lot on me between the ages of 20 and 34. Having a healthy relationship with your family is important to your health and even has an impact on your career.

You need to figure out (1) if your family is a net positive or net negative in your life and (2) what is a fair and reasonable way to handle this situation.

    • 2
May 7, 2020

When we say "cut you off" are you talking about a multi million dollar trust fund or is this about taking out student loans?

If it's the latter - I'd just tell them you took the offer and let them rage. They'll get over it, or they won't. Their desire to control you won't stop until you stop being controlled. Student loans aren't the end of the world.

If it's a lot of money in consideration - it's a personal choice you need to make. I would personally just move and say fuck the money. I value my independence too much and don't want to go through life like that. No need to be rude, you can just tell them you think it's the best path for you and you're going to take the offer.

    • 1
  • VP in IB-M&A
May 7, 2020

lol, I'm confused by all of this. If your parents are paying 40k for school, I'm assuming you don't live with them while going to school so why do they care if you are in New York? Are they specifically against New York for some odd reason? Also, if they care enough to pay 40k for school, do they not want you to have a good education / career? I'm hoping this is just a troll post.

May 7, 2020
    • 1
May 7, 2020

Clearly most of the people on this forum did not grow up in this kind of household.
Respond to this like a person who grew up in an abusive household: deflect and lie.

"I don't want to move to NY, but this is my only option."
"I plan on coming back home after this summer"
"My counselor told me that I have to have an internship"
"If you don't pay my tuition then I'll have to transfer to another school further away"

You yes sir and yes ma'am them all day and you keep working toward your goal.
You don't tell them anything that they don't want to hear. You suck up and you undermine.

Absolutely do not tell them about this offer until you have to (next spring at the earliest) and build a plan to pay for your senior year if absolutely necessary.

    • 3
Funniest
May 8, 2020

Have you considered burning down your family's house? The insurance premium would cover tuition fees, rent in NY etc. You could live like a king and still pocket the earnings from your IB stint.

Just my two cents. Hope this helps.

    • 4
May 8, 2020

Same situation. Parents told me they won't fund my education if I move away for college or get a job to far away. So I said fuck it I'm going to do what's best for me. That was to live and start a life on my own away from home. Yeah I took out a few loans and picked up two jobs, but the amount of happiness I've gained over the years from leaving was worth every penny I've taken out, busted my ass off to get, and way more. You should consider that path. No regrets at all.

    • 2
May 8, 2020

I'm not trying to say this was easy, but I couldn't let my parents control every aspect of my life after highschool. My dream was just to start on my own and grow. I come from a very strict cultural and religious household. So a lot of these decisions made my parents lose respect for me, but I'm a lot happier then I ever was for doing what I did.

    • 2
May 10, 2020

Only in America

Si vis pacem, para bellum

  • Analyst 1 in IB-M&A
May 10, 2020

Are you kidding? This is incredibly common in East Asia and India.

May 10, 2020

Yeah, amazing that the US is quite similar to these 3rd world countries/ regions..

Thanks demographic change

Si vis pacem, para bellum

    • 1
    • 1
May 10, 2020

CALL THEIR BLUFF!!

    • 1
May 10, 2020
Comment
    • 2
May 11, 2020