Voting is over. I win Member of the Year. If you aren't happy with the results, go find Hillary in the woods and you can cry about it together.
You better believe I'm drunk as I write this.
I would like to thank:
-Foremost, my detractors, without whom I couldn't have kept this up as long as I have. The more monkey shit you throw, the more polished turds like this award I get to set upon my mantle.
-All of the pledges sneaking phone time in between brutal paddlings and body fluid cleanup tasks.
-All of the actual finance professionals who can't get through the week without my brilliant insights.
-Some of the people who take me seriously enough to PM me desperate networking pleas, but not any of those who have sent pictures. Unnecessary and kinda gay.
-The elusive founder Patrick Curtis, without whom you all would have to be on Reddit a demoralizing number of hours a day.
Merry Fucking Christmas you filthy animals!
I get a whole day and a half off of work for the Christmas holiday and you can bank on a Cousin Andy update. I've spent the past few months treating him as a long-distance personal project and I hope to see him with a real haircut and a few more visible neck veins than he had on our fateful weekend together late this past summer.
Also coming in the new year: more Tinder stories for you to jack off to.
Looks like the band is playing me offstage now. Fuck you guys, I'll talk as long as I want! Wait, never mind, that's the Sinatra classics playlist I break out whenever I'm drinking enough scotch to turn a horse into a gentleman.
All bullshit aside: honestly, thanks for voting for me. I may have expected this, and I certainly deserved this, but it's you guys who made it happen.