happiness
I accepted an offer to my top choice bank (a great BB/EB, don't want to say for anonymity). I felt happy for some time but then I started thinking about getting "higher" opportunities (very top PE/VC/HF out of undergrad, very top EB out of undergrad) and now I don't feel happy anymore because I'm thinking of what if and these higher opportunities that I missed out on/can't apply that others will get, and I missed out on this marginal increase in "prestige" and increase in perception from others. Anyone else feel the same and thoughts on getting out of this mindset?
Spoken like a true prospect
Called being a perfectionist. Generally regarded as a "defect of character." I think it's wildly easy to disregard and view it in a light that makes it seem good, but it wreaks havoc for many. Personally experience it pretty often and it makes it tough to enjoy little wins or compliments. For example, if I'm ever told that someone is proud of me, or that I did a good job, my mind goes straight to all the things that could be better, all the things I don't do perfectly, what have you. In some ways it can be good (pushing yourself to get an A, making sure things are "up to par"), but it can be pretty destructive too. Just gotta stay stoic. Don't let yourself get too high, don't let yourself get too low -- float in the middle.
OP here - that's the word I was looking for, you described me perfectly. Any advice on how to change my mindset for the situation I'm in? It's eating me up.
Hmm I'm not sure. Considering that you did land the gig you were aiming for, it'd probably be best for you to focus all your efforts on that. Instead of giving yourself time to think about other opportunities, throw yourself into the work that you have ahead of you. Because, if we're being objective and pragmatic, by making sure you are doing the best you can right now, you will naturally open up doors for yourself in the future. Instead of thinking about it like "fuck I missed out on potentially far better opportunities" you should think of it like "word I'm here right now, time to grind so that I can do whatever I want after this." It's a really basic line of advice but I think so-called "perfectionists" tend to really over complicate. No one is telling you that those other opportunities in PE or VC or at a HF are now unattainable, because they are 100% still within reach. You just aren't at that point yet. If that's the goal, do everything you can where you are right now to set yourself up for it.
A comforting (although admittedly cringe-worthy) mantra I like is, "where I am now is where I am supposed to be." Basically just means stay present.
Yeah, I definitely relate to this in terms of the college admissions process. When I got into my top choice target school, I was elated. But then a month or so later I start looking at kids at HYP and start feeling like I'm missing out on this "marginal bump in prestige," like you wrote. This might get MS, but I really can't help but feel this way. It's almost impossible to be happy with what you have.
OP here, and I felt the same way in college admissions and I feel the same way now even though I have secured a great internship. I guess that's just a part of our personalities so nothing can be done.
It’s not sustainable to think like this. There is always a “next level” and you will only hurt yourself by constantly comparing your success to the next highest rung on the ladder. The $250MM AUM HF manager is envious of the $2.5 Bln HF manager. I really mean it OP. I made the same comparisons in my early career and now that I am looking back I can see how misguided/naive that thought process was. To be clear, I am not saying that you should settle and stop grinding in your career. But I am saying that you will derive no benefit from wasting your energy thinking about “what could have been”. Comparison is the thief of joy. Go kill it in the role you have.
OP here. Thank you so much, this is the advice I was looking for and this really helps. Every time I start to compare or think of the higher level I will remember what you said. I agree completely, comparison is the thief of joy. I will focus all my energy on being the best I can in the internship I have and try to stop thinking of the what could have been.
This is great stuff, but how do you separate the drive to succeed and grind from the desire to want more? In my head, they seem inextricably linked.
I'm the OP so I'm struggling with this, but after what Username1005 said, I think you have to draw a line for yourself I guess, esp when you can't change the past. For example, I accepted an offer to a top bank, but like everything there is always something better, but I am trying to draw the line to be happy with where I am at. I can't change the past and de-accept the offer, and if I had turned down the offer and tried to get something higher, maybe I would have gotten something higher or maybe I would have ended up with nothing. Thus there is no point in me wanting more at this point - however, once I get to the bank, I will try to be as best as I can in that environment, without comparing myself to people at other firms.
Also, I think you have to stop comparing yourself with others and only try to compete with yourself and get better every day compared to yourself and not others.
However, I have no idea if what I said makes sense because I am struggling with that as well, and I agree that they are inextricably linked. Maybe Username1005 can provide more advice?
Because you don’t know what you really want. For example, if you want to study math, you apply good math programs. You might not get into the top top, but you know what you want/love is math itself, not math programs. Find what you really want and constantly do things for that passion.
This is an idea that I've been thinking on and off again for the past ~three months.
Remember when you were a little kid and your life would be complete if you just got that one video game? Then you got to high school and your life would be complete as soon as you get your driver's license? Then you got to college and your life would be complete once you landed an IB job?
Not a good way to live imo. Not an easy habit to shake at the same time. Most people go through life completely unaware and just chase the next thing that will surely "guarantee" their happiness. My only conclusion is that being present is how to ensure happiness... it really is just a choice to be happy with your circumstances, whatever they are. This process is easier by being grateful.
I dunno about you but my life was complete in college once I’d boned 20 women first week ...
Word!
Instead of focusing upwards try to focus downwards and see if that changes your level of satisfaction. Listen to some of the WSO podcasts and hear some of the mentors and their long-term careers. Find underclassman who were in the same situation as you. Try to pay it forward and let others achieve their first choice.
Please don't focus on "prestige." Prestige is completely made up and is different for everyone you run into in life. You wont believe the amount of times you are going to say that you are an investment banker at a party and then that person will start asking you for stock market advice. The harsh reality is that no one cares what you do because the two seconds they might be "impressed" with your background immediately fades and they start to focus on if you are fun to talk to, someone they find interesting, someone that they would want to grab a beer with. How many times have we all run into the finance hardo that thinks he is so cool because he works at Goldman but is miserable to talk to?
Might also add that if you run into someone and they actually DO "really" care about what you do (#prestige) and your background...they almost certainly care because they want to use you for their own personal gain...not because they like you.
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