HEY you OCR little f*cks
shit on me all you want because idgaf!!!! all your fate is mine, you little f*ckers
i volunteered to do ocr because i thought it'd be a nice break but F*CK i'd rather be hunched over my desk than be dealing with these borderline terrifying besuited assailants.
first of all, GOD DAMN, kids, POP SOME BREATH MINTS. when was the last time you brushed your fucking teeth? the club room should smell like that shitty cookie platter in the corner and stale old spice, not HALITOSIS
second, there's a thing called PERSONAL SPACE. don't lunge your scrawny little turd bodies so close to mine that i'm backing up so far into a table that i have bruised indentations on the backs of my legs. scary as fuck when a whole gaggle of 5'7" dorks with homicide eyes are hanging onto every word i stutter.
third, don't ask contrived, bullshit questions. "what is the group's culture?" shit, i don't know, but i can tell you that it isn't creepy and oblivious as all fuck
fourth, don't tell me you're a neuroscience major or that you're PASSIONATE about healthcare or investing or stocks. who the fuck cares? you don't need to know the fucking krebs cycle to copy and paste shit into powerpoint. and do NOT tell me about how you build excel models for fun, you doofus
finally, don't add me on linkedin at 1am that very night. don't write me an indecipherable email with your three-page resume attached when i never even gave you my contact info. don't send me a nine-paragraph followup email after i send you a short one wishing you good luck as i refer you to hr. the fuck is wrong with you kids?????
well, I have to say this gets a legitimate message across
2 Krebs Cycle references. Did someone actually bring that up while networking?
some little fucknugget was talking about cancer drugs and why the krebs cycle was important and i was like wtf you really think any of that matters i don't even remember what mitosis is
now i know what bishes mean when they say they can't even
You need to chill. I've done research and people have been interested in at least interested in hearing about the scientific mumbo jumbo they don't understand.
back to the misc you go
This is gold
I would agree with #1 and #2.
For #3, well they may be genuinely interested in how your group/company operate. Students want to know how the people, training & development or hours are in your organisation. Some examples about what you work with (if appropriate to share) are also great.
For #4, besides the neuroscience major/ the person talking about the Krebs cycle, I feel that talking about Excel models, investing and healthcare show you that the students have some background dabbling in these areas. Wouldn't you want someone who has passion and some experience in these areas?
For #5, I'm not sure what kind of follow-up email the students sent you. Do you mind sharing with us what they wrote? I feel that the students were trying to build rapport with you.
Claims of "passion" are often contrived, misplaced and spittle-flecked.
Maybe a touch of bile in there too for good measure. You know, because you "know it in your gut."
HAHA if you want to know this type of info, head to glassdoor. in anonymity veritas, breh
ask us this and we will spew out some bullshit about how the environment is collegial, that everyone gets along, how it's 'just a really great team' and that we always make time to hang out and shoot the shit. no one will tell you about how analysts hide out in the bathroom and silently plot their associates' untimely deaths or that there are those two or three guys that everyone fucking hates or that female members will most definitely feel uncomfortable because shit is basically a frat house. no, we will tell you that it's like one big family. which is a lie. and i hate lying. so stop asking this question.
The reality to this is that all big investment banks operate in almost exactly the same manner. Some teams are better than other (but if you hate your team, you wouldn't say that in recruiting - it's freaking sales), but IB works like IB. Some teams are stronger and some teams have better senior bankers with tighter relationships, but there is no IP secret to how banking gets done. It is fundamentally a sales job with a similar product offered by all participants. The market sets the price for every deal...no other way around that.
Or better yet, network effectively. Sooner or later you'll find a contact who tells shit like it is.
Sounds like you did most of what OP is griping about or you interviewed with OP haha
lmao, thanks for this you fucker
hahaha... good post op
I was showing a classmate WSO and right before I signed in this thread was on the screen. LOL!
lol
Haha! Made my day man.
gold please keep 5'7 dorks out
Hahhha. "homicide eyes". Good pointers, you must be a Bill Burr fan. I feel sorry for the Neuro major, might be reading this right now. If you love healthcare so much, go be a doctor. Anyway,nice mistakes to learn from.
Thanks
I can't believe kids still want to get into finance this bad. Hilarious OP.
If we all be real quiet and let their dreams of being BSD fill their minds we can get them to do our work for us.
lol, careful, if you say it so poignant the kiddos might actually get curious and realize that's how things really are and turn against us
well the smart ones at least
Still pays more than silicon valley in the long run if you don't go to Stanford or an Ivy IMO
Welcome to OCR. it's an absolute fcking treat.
lolz
manlets gonna manlet OP.
manlets, i like that word, gonna start using it
Haha, great read.
Manlets, when will they learn...
Damn this is legit
Recruiting blows dick. Period. Full stop. Whether its banking, corp fin, startup shit. Its all fucking terrible.
i have to be honest, this made me laugh...3 page resume? come on guys, thought we've taught you better by now.
I'd think so, too, but we still get >50% resumes with >1 page.
Bad breathe and personal space aside, I think I'd commit a lot of these faux pas if I hadn't spent the time I have on WSO and going through significant rounds of recruiting myself. Banking recruiting norms aren't exactly well known.
you have back office potential young one
And that is why you never see anyone past the associate level doing OCR, unless it's some poor MD or D that got dragged by HR to do it...
Did OCR last week...OP is spot on.
Did OCR two weeks ago. Engineer leaps into conversation about some material/synthesis/ozone/fuckall analysis about something or other, all the while his hand is shaking like an angry vibrator. If we got any closer i thought this shaking, paired with his resume in hand, would give me a mean paper cut. He is almost done his rambling when the fire alarm goes off, poor lad
This story is as funny as it is brutal. Kudos.
He was incredibly intelligent, so he did score our very last interview slot. I was hoping he could turn around the social skills, but to no avail
On a similar note, this past summer analyst class at my company was comprised wholly of socially awkward retards. I can't believe any of them got offers at all. It's been a month that they left and people are still complaining about their dumbassery.
This is too funny, and these interns must think they are awesome and competent.
this is awesome
Dat gpa tho
Profanity is the crutch of the inarticulate.
Says a dude who is probably never going to work on Wall St. Seriously? Creative profanity is a core skill.
Maybe in writing sitcoms like South Park where you're appealing both to intelligent young people and eleven year olds past their bedtime.
Actually, says someone who is older than 16...
True, but in this case, the OP is using profanity to further a express a point since tone and facial expressions cannot be conveyed via text.
Eat a fucking dick.
Nice South Park
Dick, I aspire to be like you one day. Not totally like you, but a bit like you.
That's a new one dickiefuld
like how eloquence is the crutch of the unskilled? why don't you go and fucking realign shit on powerpoint, MIKE. bet you're the kind of person who texts in complete sentences with proper punctuation and has read receipts turned on. fucking asshole
Yawn.
.
If you want to recruit someone that's well adjusted and not awkward, go to a nontarget before the academics get their mits on them. Guarantee you won't have a conversation deeper than football, baseball, or basketball(maybe hockey) depending on the region. Don't even go on campus, just go to bars and house parties.
ok the whole point of recruiting at targets is so that upper management can collect these children like fucking trading cards. nontarget kids could certainly do the work, but then what would your MD brag about? that his analyst class is comprised of chill, good-natured bros from mediocre schools? no, he wants to tell all of his friends about how he picked up all his kids from princeton. why do you think banks have shit like sport leagues for their summer analysts?
you're all just fucking trophies. and trophies shouldnt have breath that smells like decaying hamburger meat. so, for the last god damn time, brush your fucking teeth
cant they brag about how good the non targets are in sports?
I actually fell off my chair laughing. Thank you, OP.
this is great, thanks for the laugh
haha +1. busted a nut from laughing when i saw your username after reading the post. also, cant forget those kids that ask you technical type questions during these networking sessions
Let's be real OCR is joke on both ends. I remember when GS came and they had no idea how to answer a basic question regarding openings. On the flip side most of the kids are eager and yes awkward as F***, but understand this we were in that position too once. If everyone wanted to flip burgers then they would've done that already. Every grad wants a job right after school and has to prove that they are not like everyone else applying for the job. Sending out a 3 pager is excessive and just wrong.
lmaaoo
For all the job seekers out there, take heed:
The message here is be authentic, be normal, and generally don't "try to hard."
You understandably want to "try hard" (aka put in hours of effort) to get a job, but do this in preparing, like understanding how to pitch yourself, getting the technical matters down inside and out, front to back, going through mock interviews, talking to friends already in banking yadda yadda yadda--the effort goes into preparing so that the execution is relatively effortless.
And above all, if none of it is making sense and you really want to talk about the krebs cycle (I forgot that even existed!), then fuck banking and go get a PhD!!! Or join the Marines, or McKinsey, or the Peace Corps or whatever you want. No harm in doing what you are passionate about, it just might not be financial markets...
Funny how accurate this is. I want one kid to give me an honest answer or even a decent question and I'll personally hand off their resume. One piece of advice for those participating in OCR - anyone who walks in the room with a brown lunch bag; send them out and tell them never to return. Some ass-hopper walked in with a fish stick sandwich (two pieces of white bread with four fish sticks in between) and made the whole area smell like rotten fucking asshole. Just when you thought no one could get more creative with the shit they eat, this fucking guy appears.
How much you wanna bet we can do that on here?
Sounds like a WF situation
3 page resume. why just why :/
this wins thread of the year, we dont even have to have a vote
My recommendation would be for a lot of you folks to leave whatever investment banks you work at and go work at other kinds of shops before you lose all of your marbles
Don't forget the importance of glycolysis. It precedes Kreb's cycle.
Great point, that my friend is how you beat the first level of healthcare OCR and move on to the stage boss
Greets, I am RealProps, any advice you could give an unemployed 38 year old school teacher who has a degree in Renaissance Literature would be greatly appreciated, as I am having a hard time getting call backs for analyst positions. I would be happy to PM you or you could PM me or I could call you at your work extension or maybe call you or your cell or I could try to find out where you live and we could talk or we could meet for lunch at your favorite restaurant or maybe go watch a game and have a beer no pressure, if not no worries; but please do let me know one way or another.
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