how does engagement go?

been seeing this girl for a while, we're both pretty convinced that we're the one for each other, so we're going to get married (we've decided to get engaged around the end of the year)

what is an engagement and how does it work? we've been looking at rings and stuff, probably gonna get a lab grown diamond ring for ~2k. 

she's a pretty chill girl and doesnt need/want anything over the top, what kind of engagement am i supposed to do? how does it even work?

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Comments (61)

Feb 28, 2021 - 3:09pm

I'm Catholic, so typically an engagement entails 6 months of counseling to prepare for marriage.

Most secular couples don't do this, but they also carry a higher divorce rate. Even if you're not Catholic, I'd recommend a few couples therapy sessions before you tie the knot.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Feb 28, 2021 - 4:53pm

Monty Burns

Are you married?

Nah. I'm single for a few more years. Just living the dream.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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Mar 2, 2021 - 5:11pm

Misleading stat. Catholic couples have a lower divorce rate because there are religious incentives against divorce, not because they are happier/find better spouses/use counseling

Array

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Mar 2, 2021 - 6:48pm

rezjopls

Misleading stat. Catholic couples have a lower divorce rate because there are religious incentives against divorce, not because they are happier/find better spouses/use counseling

Counseling helps and to say it is not a factor is misleading as well. More couples of all faiths and non-faiths should prepare through couples therapy. Getting married without thinking about it too much is a recipe for disaster for some. 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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Mar 3, 2021 - 7:37pm

You really think that getting advice from "celibate" (pedophiles) can make a marriage last? What do they know abt marriage save for their clandestine relationships with minors?

Most believers stay in loveless marriages, even abusive, because they were fed bullshit by those pedophiles; they fear offending god lest they are thrown to hell. Adults don't need no fucking advice on how to run their lives. 

Mar 1, 2021 - 12:58pm

engagement is dumb as fuckkk. so full of yourselves to do a whole thing. just go get married. or don't. nobody cares and it's not a huge deal. gonna drop money you could put on a down payment to formally promise a bitch some shit. get over yourselves

heister:

Look at all these wannabe richies hating on an expensive salad.

https://arthuxtable.com/
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  • Analyst 1 in IB - Ind
Mar 1, 2021 - 1:02pm

hahahah should have known you'd drop in

i kind of agree with you, we're only spending like 2-3k on the ring and maybe a nice dinner

no fancy yachts or whatever

Most Helpful
  • VP in IB - Ind
Mar 1, 2021 - 5:14pm

From your wording, it sounds like you think of marriage as something akin to signing a 1-year apartment lease. You should enter marriage because you can't imagine being without her not because it seems like the next logical step or she has decided it's time. 

  • Analyst 1 in IB - Ind
Mar 1, 2021 - 10:50pm

not at all tbh, you're right about that on not being able to imagine life without her, i'm just asking for views on how to do the engagement

  • Prospect in IB-M&A
Mar 2, 2021 - 4:17pm

To be fair, he's here for information. He's not really looking for validation about his relationship, so it wouldn't have made sense for him to have justified his relationship by talking about how he "can't imagine being without her".

Mar 13, 2021 - 12:30pm

Agreed. 
 

I was given great advice before I proposed to my now wife, "If it's not a 'fuck yes', then it's a no"

Getting married isn't really a pragmatic thing... 

“The three most harmful addictions are heroin, carbohydrates, and a monthly salary.” - Nassim Taleb
Mar 2, 2021 - 2:33pm

2k is definitely not enough. Man I blew 4+ months salary on mine. Bruh. My wife looks at her ring and every now and then just slobs my knob because of it. Don't cheap out. 3 months salary is the expectation, not 2k.

  • Analyst 3+ in AM - Other
Mar 2, 2021 - 4:12pm

trustmeimanengineer

2k is definitely not enough. Man I blew 4+ months salary on mine. Bruh. My wife looks at her ring and every now and then just slobs my knob because of it. Don't cheap out. 3 months salary is the expectation, not 2k.

In case the satire wasn't obvious for you youngins - plz don't listen to this guy. 

3 month salary is the dumbest shit ever. 1 month, maybe. Spend the rest on a vacation or two or save for a down payment 

  • Analyst 1 in IB - Ind
Mar 4, 2021 - 1:07am

im not even spending 1 month ahahaha im at bb ib gonna spend between 2-3k on a lab grown diamond which is the same as a "natural" diamond aside from its provenance

dude it's like 3x cheaper

Funniest
Mar 2, 2021 - 9:33pm

Engagement usually starts with some market research, opportunity identification and sourcing. Once potential target is identified, initial risk assessment. If this is looking satisfactory, then you'd do a fancy proposal pitch, get a commitment, proceed to a 3 to 6 month due diligence, culminating with signing. Everything will seem great once you've signed, but then you gain access to all the inside secrets, and that's when things could get messy as you work toward financial close... wait... what engagement are we talking about here? Ah, works the same either way. All the best.

Mar 2, 2021 - 9:48pm

I spent like 5k on engagement + wedding rings combined from Blue Nile (online). We picked out how she wanted it to look by visiting stores and then bought online. Simple engagement and modest wedding. Saved extra money toward investing / down payment on a condo. Our 9 year anniversary's coming up.

Your results may vary.

Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.
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  • VP in IB - Ind
Mar 3, 2021 - 1:17pm

The bigger the wedding, the more accelerated the divorce especially when the engagement is shortened IME. 

Mar 2, 2021 - 10:17pm

if you havent already, I'd talk with her dad and get his approval. Pretty traditional, but it's what I would do. As for the actual engagement... think about what she likes. Propose during a hike? After a nice dinner? During a vacation? Maybe have a friend lurking around to get pictures of her reaction? Possible tell one of her friends to take her out that day and get a manicure (without it being obvious you're going to propose.. Maybe schedule the dinner a day or two after the manicure, so it's still fresh, but not suspicious of it happening the same day)

For me, I'd definitely like to have her surprise/reaction photographed. Nice memory for the moment, but all couples are different. Good luck man and congrats!

Go all the way

  • Analyst 1 in IB - Ind
Mar 4, 2021 - 1:05am

god damn dude good point on the manicure her fingernails are actually always done 

holy crap that is some ib level attention to detail and context

Mar 3, 2021 - 8:28pm

My two cents.

Ask father now.  Over golf or ballgame.

Proposed stroke of midnighf new years eve at Harvard Club.

Vintage cocktail ring.  We agreed for a down payment on house.

Elope and get married at justice of the peace.  Just the two of you.  Quietly.

Have a "wedding" later. Trust me.  It will be 10x easier.

OPEN BAR.  Do not be THAT couple.

Take money/gifts from wedding and furnish house.

25+ years and counting...

Namaste.

D.O.U.G.

Mar 4, 2021 - 8:56am

before you buy her a big diamond, check this out: 

that said, if you're with a girl who already values that kinda shit, you're stuck. I was lucky in that I expressed my disdain for that kinda shit early on and wifey was super onboard. it helped that she's eccentric as well so didn't want a diamond like all of her friends. we ended up going with a gemstone with diamond accents, cheaper than a diamond, rarer, and more unique. less than 1 month's income

asked the old man at around midnight over christmas, we were both hammered on bourbon, he accepted, I promptly threw up (true story)

proposed to wife out of the blue, favorite dinner, wine, flowers, all that stuff was ready when she got home. wasn't some big production but I tried to be thoughtful and memorable. she hates surprises so I didn't want to do some secret thing where all of her friends saw it and there was a photographer. she constantly rips on her friends who did that. the key here is know your soon-to-be fiance. what works for me won't necessarily work for you. and what gets posted on isntagram may not be appropriate for her

she accepted and said she'd think about a wedding but didn't want a long engagement. after 1 year, she came to realization she didn't want a wedding so just went to the courthouse and then to the caribbean. 

all in under $5k (rings, wedding paperwork, honeymoon). I'm at the age where my contemporaries are going through their first divorces/marital troubles and so far, it's been the people with $50-100,000 weddings and $10-20,000 engagement rings. correlation is not causation, but it is interesting.

  • Intern in IB - Ind
Mar 4, 2021 - 10:46am

Interesting last point... what do you think explains that correlation? That an expensive wedding sets expectations too high from the beginning of the marriage? Or could it be a selection bias thing where the needy chicks want expensive weddings and the down to earth ones dgaf

Mar 4, 2021 - 10:59am

see here: https://www.miamiherald.com/news/nation-world/national/article214550500….

this is one of those things that's not knowable I don't think so I can't say why for sure. it could be what you're saying, it could be selection bias, it could be completely random.

my point is this - one size does NOT fit all. 3 months income did not work for us, nor did a formal wedding, but for many of my more traditional friends, what my wife and I did would be grounds for divorce. it all depends

Mar 4, 2021 - 10:46am

thebrofessor

all in under $5k (rings, wedding paperwork, honeymoon). I'm at the age where my contemporaries are going through their first divorces/marital troubles and so far, it's been the people with $50-100,000 weddings and $10-20,000 engagement rings. correlation is not causation, but it is interesting.

Considering the divorce rate is ~50% I think this is more anecdotal to your life experiences (after all you deal with a lot of HNW clients), rather than something we can draw from. 

Array

Mar 16, 2021 - 12:51pm

Especially taking that probability into account, you definitely shouldn't overspend on weddings... it's not any more likely to keep your marriage together.

Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.
Mar 16, 2021 - 12:53pm

Even leaving aside the fact that lab grown diamonds are more flawless than natural in every way, they also mitigate the cruel African diamond mining process.

Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.
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