I'm back from Vegas in one piece, chumps. Thanks a lot for those sordid invitations in my inbox courtesy of your blackout selves. I think I met a couple of you, and I know for sure from the unspeakable smell of my clothes that I met some of your working female "friends."
Extra special thanks to the idiot who told me to bet against the US Women's National Soccer Team, who said it was a sure thing because he has an "inside source" (note to self: did he mean banging that insufferable goalie (?)). I was just coked out enough to say "YOLO" and do it, now I've got lunch money and a replacement shirt fund for the next year and a half. So that's fucking sick.
Except today it's back to work, and as you can easily imagine, I haven't spent more than 30 minutes in a bed in over a week. Which brings me to my topic du jour.
Though I very much appreciated @Alistair-Clark 's Stimulants 101 post, if you actually need tips on how to stay awake you are never going to hack it in this jungle. Caffeine, Adderall, ephedrine. Snort every powder, shake every weight, climb every mountain. Beginner's stuff. I thought I'd add to the discussion a little primer on the opposite goal: how to squeeze every drop of sleep out of a 24-hour period that you possibly can.
DISCLAIMER FOR WHINERS: This is what works for me. What works for you might be to quit the business.
1) Polyphasic sleeping - Instead of lunch, I take a 1 hour nap. Instead of breakfast, I take pre-workout, then a 20 minute nap before it kicks in. Instead of after-work drinks, I walk into a bar, rip a few shots in rapid succession, and go straight home for a nap.
If you get used to sleeping in several small chunks instead of one slightly less small block at night, you can stretch those out as fits your schedule and spend some of the time your compatriots are in bed doing squat thrusts, listening to Slayer, screaming about your dominance to an empty gym.
2) Sunglasses - This only works in the morning, on reasonably sunny days. If I come into work on a sunny morning wearing sunglasses, I can get away with a ten minute nap at my desk before I start work. Risky business, but I've got brass balls and self-absorbed coworkers.
3) Bathroom breaks - If you can train yourself to sleep sitting up whilst ignoring the smell of shit, you can get up to 20 extra minutes of sleep in 6-7 minute phases in the bathroom. NOTE: you won't be able to use this time to actually shit, so adjust your diet accordingly.
Get with the motherfucking program and pass out to this shit every night.
What else you got, monkeys? Any underhanded means of stealing sleep time from your work time? Any weird body hacks? Any of you asleep right now, still somehow able to post online?