How to sleep anywhere anytime 101

Fear The Bulge's picture
Rank: King Kong | 1,865

I'm back from Vegas in one piece, chumps. Thanks a lot for those sordid invitations in my inbox courtesy of your blackout selves. I think I met a couple of you, and I know for sure from the unspeakable smell of my clothes that I met some of your working female "friends."

Extra special thanks to the idiot who told me to bet against the US Women's National Soccer Team, who said it was a sure thing because he has an "inside source" (note to self: did he mean banging that insufferable goalie (?)). I was just coked out enough to say "YOLO" and do it, now I've got lunch money and a replacement shirt fund for the next year and a half. So that's fucking sick.

Except today it's back to work, and as you can easily imagine, I haven't spent more than 30 minutes in a bed in over a week. Which brings me to my topic du jour.

Though I very much appreciated @Alistair-Clark 's Stimulants 101 post, if you actually need tips on how to stay awake you are never going to hack it in this jungle. Caffeine, Adderall, ephedrine. Snort every powder, shake every weight, climb every mountain. Beginner's stuff. I thought I'd add to the discussion a little primer on the opposite goal: how to squeeze every drop of sleep out of a 24-hour period that you possibly can.

DISCLAIMER FOR WHINERS: This is what works for me. What works for you might be to quit the business.

1) Polyphasic sleeping - Instead of lunch, I take a 1 hour nap. Instead of breakfast, I take pre-workout, then a 20 minute nap before it kicks in. Instead of after-work drinks, I walk into a bar, rip a few shots in rapid succession, and go straight home for a nap.

If you get used to sleeping in several small chunks instead of one slightly less small block at night, you can stretch those out as fits your schedule and spend some of the time your compatriots are in bed doing squat thrusts, listening to Slayer, screaming about your dominance to an empty gym.

2) Sunglasses - This only works in the morning, on reasonably sunny days. If I come into work on a sunny morning wearing sunglasses, I can get away with a ten minute nap at my desk before I start work. Risky business, but I've got brass balls and self-absorbed coworkers.

3) Bathroom breaks - If you can train yourself to sleep sitting up whilst ignoring the smell of shit, you can get up to 20 extra minutes of sleep in 6-7 minute phases in the bathroom. NOTE: you won't be able to use this time to actually shit, so adjust your diet accordingly.

4) ASMR.

Get with the motherfucking program and pass out to this shit every night.

What else you got, monkeys? Any underhanded means of stealing sleep time from your work time? Any weird body hacks? Any of you asleep right now, still somehow able to post online?

Comments (115)

Aug 15, 2016

How the fuck can anyone communicate with that woman in the video? I'd constantly be asking her to repeat herself.

    • 1
Aug 15, 2016

How to sleep anywhere anytime:

Step 1. Have narcolepsy

I think- therefore I fuck

    • 3
Aug 16, 2016

The sleeping habits differ for individual to individual and staying awake for a long time may sometimes prove to be harmful.

Aug 16, 2016

Many offices have a quiet room or prayer room. Small room with dim lighting, lockable door and often with a comfy chair.

Work out where it is, then go pray to the god of sleep.

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Best Response
Aug 17, 2016

Make people think you're a Muslim and have to pray 5 times a day. You'll get to sleep in the office during the day, but of course, you'll also be arrested as a suspect when some terror attack strikes nearby, at which point you just Shalom your way out.

GoldenCinderblock: "I keep spending all my money on exotic fish so my armor sucks. Is it possible to romance multiple females? I got with the blue chick so far but I am also interested in the electronic chick and the face mask chick."

    • 11
Aug 18, 2016

This advice is money.

Aug 20, 2016
Jamie_Demon:

Make people think you're a Muslim and have to pray 5 times a day. You'll get to sleep in the office during the day, but of course, you'll also be arrested as a suspect when some terror attack strikes nearby, at which point you just Shalom your way out.

LOL ... i just peed a little!!!!

Aug 16, 2016

prayer room ftw

nosy associate: "oh, didnt know you were religious every day from 3:08 to 3:27pm"

me: "none of your fucking business"

    • 5
Aug 16, 2016

I was using the mother room for a while - always a lock until you wake up to your VP milking herself

    • 1
Aug 18, 2016

Did this actually happen?

Aug 20, 2016
Item1A:

I was using the mother room for a while - always a lock until you wake up to your VP milking herself

I hope you offered to help ...

Aug 16, 2016

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCp5oSl262QFMOsjKj...
Cherry Crush is probably the only ASMRtist that doesn't make the whole thing feel like a sloppy fuck. (She's got vids on pornhub too if that's your thing)

But a microdose of melatonin can kick-start your powernap if you're tired but not tired enough to fall asleep.

    • 2
Aug 16, 2016

how much is a microdose?

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My Linkedin

Aug 16, 2016

Anywhere from .1 to .5 mg, so you're gonna have to play around with it and find what works best.

Aug 16, 2016

What a post, these never fail. Thanks for Tuesday laughs

Aug 16, 2016

If you can't spare 6 hours a day recharging your batteries I think your wiring might be off

Aug 17, 2016

Is she rubbing your temples yet ?

Aug 18, 2016

As an ex-Navy Seal assassin trained at in-depth Gorilla Welfare, I'm able to sleep w/ my eyes open and without the aid of medication. I learned most of my skills through Monk (that's his name), you can find him on his wheelchair, collecting subscription fees at the bottom of the escalator to the 4,5,6 trains in Grand Central.

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

    • 3
Aug 21, 2016

A cocaine and other drugs addict that bets on everything.

Everything that gives a bad rep to Wall Street in one post.

Aug 21, 2016

spoilsport

Aug 22, 2016

Half to a third of a bottle of dream water does wonders if you are looking for a 20-30 minute nap. shit has tryptophan and melatonin in it. *Not a doctor. don't play one on TV, get some REM cycles you degenerates.

    • 1
Sep 14, 2016

Thanks for sharing!!

Jan 13, 2017

this. video. brutal. hahahahaha

Aug 26, 2017

Well, Lack of sleep may result in many side effects like mood swings, irregular heartbeats, increased stress and much more. There are many tricks which help you to sleep easier one of them strange trick is wearing Wholesale Sunglasses. It will be key to better sleep Because it might help our brain to relax after too much exposure to light.

Aug 26, 2017

u sleep with her once a year? I'm sorry.. toooo funny lmao

Aug 26, 2017

Go to the gym and pretend to work out

Aug 26, 2017

get into the habit of working out after you wake up in the morning

Aug 26, 2017

Actually, this is a good question. If you work in markets, but you're normally a night owl... any tips so that you can reliably fall asleep by 10pm?

Aug 26, 2017
Aug 26, 2017
TheBigBambino:

Melatonin 2.5mg
http://www.amazon.com/Source-Naturals-Melatonin-Or...

It works great.

Does it wear off after a while?

Aug 26, 2017

CFA studying/ benadryl/ knock some beers back... or combo of all 3

Aug 26, 2017

Golf reruns.

Aug 26, 2017

body scan meditations, learned how effective that was for falling asleep during my PHIL305 Buddhism course.

Aug 26, 2017

My old roommate had this problem really badly. A doctor told him to take cold showers before he went to bed, that as your body heats up you get sleepy (I guess heart rate decreases, blood pressure decreases, I don't know the science) but now he swears by it...

Aug 26, 2017

"don't owe money"

I loled hard at this.

Also, you're asking the wrong people, because bankers could fall asleep standing up if there weren't any spreadsheets that needed formatting.

Just another day at the water cooler:

Aug 26, 2017

think about a black page or count sheep. On the more serious note a good workout will tire you to the point that you will sleep like a baby.

Aug 26, 2017

i usually have a beer and wait half an hour

"The cheaper the crook, the gaudier the patter"

Aug 26, 2017

Get a job in finance. You will have to work to stay awake.

Aug 26, 2017

Melatonin 3mg

WSO's COO (Chief Operating Orangutan) | My Linkedin

Aug 26, 2017

dude, rub one out. rub two out if you have to. thats the best trick i use when i need to nap and cant fall asleep. leme knw if that doesnt work... lolll

Aug 26, 2017
AnalystMonkey2769:

dude, rub one out. rub two out if you have to. thats the best trick i use when i need to nap and cant fall asleep. leme knw if that doesnt work... lolll

Lol agreed but my gf always slaps my dick and says "eww stop it. Ur shaking the bed"

Aug 26, 2017

Start working out at some point in the day.
Also, this one is kind of weird, but try not wearing anything to bed.
Finally: don't change your bed sheets too often. At most... once every three weeks

I'm not concerned with the very poor
-Mitt Romney

Aug 26, 2017
Mitt Romney:

Start working out at some point in the day.
Also, this one is kind of weird, but try not wearing anything to bed.
Finally: don't change your bed sheets too often. At most... once every three weeks

I would say you're third suggestion is weirder than the second.

Aug 26, 2017

http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/2008/01/27/re...

Some of those are good tricks.

I'm a horrible night owl. I will literally sit up all night reading stupid stuff until the sun comes up. If I feel like I'm learning something new, I just get really focused and the Internet is endless, so that doesn't make for a great combination when I have work in the morning.

A couple things to try...(1) breathing. I know it sounds weird, but consciously focus on slowing down your breathing. Some people use a sleep clock/light that shines on the ceiling and allows you to pace yourself and they will swear by it. Your breathing naturally slows down when you sleep, so I suspect that your just jump starting the sleep process for your body. (2) Put yourself on a decent bedtime schedule. Sometimes you just have to trick your body into doing what you want. It used to be that, if I wasn't tired, I would just sit on my laptop and read. Unfortunately, as I pointed out above, that rarely makes me sleepy. What I've learned to do is cut off all my activity by a certain time. Lately it's been between midnight and 1am. I lay down in bed with my phone and play a silly, simple game that doesn't take much effort...something like solitaire or Sudoku or solitaire battleship, etc. This works really well for me. I'll lay down, not tired at all, and withing 20 minutes my eyes will be so heavy I usually end up dropping the phone on my face...which sucks, but it's better than being up all night. (3) The melatonin route works really well for me as well and supposedly isn't anywhere near as bad for you as more sleep medicine.

Other than that, working out, as others have suggested, can help keep your body regulated. You should also look up Delta's YouTube channel and watch the video they have on jet lag. I don't know all the details, but the premise has to do with jet lag being a result of a misalignment of various aspects of our body. You might have to do a little experimenting on your own, but figuring out what time you should be awake and exposed to light, etc. might help keep everything in rhythm which might facilitate falling asleep at night. I'm not a scientist or doctor, but the points they make seem credible and might, at least partly, explain how I can feel great if I wake up at 7am or 8am but groggy if I get up at 9am or 10am.

Regards

Aug 26, 2017

Good sex and sports will tire you and put you to sleep!

Aug 26, 2017

Also, I forgot to mention that I fall asleep to a 'relaxation' track on my computer that's like an hour and a half long. Some people have great success with other types of noise...white, brown, pink, etc. There are websites you can use that just play white noise and they offer adjustments, etc. Also one that just plays rain and thunder. I found this great track on Amazon that was vetted by some other folks who said it doesn't contain any loud noises. Apparently they mix up these sounds for these meditation tracks but every once and a while you get some loud crash of waves or thunder, etc. which might end up waking you up. I haven't experienced that with this track. I will say the other benefit of the track over the websites I've seen is that it plays for the set amount of time and then stops. The websites, I imagine, will play all night, which I could see eventually waking me up...sorta like leaving your TV on...great to fall asleep to but then you have to get up and turn it off when it wakes you up in an hour. For $0.99 it's a steal...

http://www.amazon.com/Natural-Music-For-Sleep/dp/B...

I suffer from ADD and have a hard time watching TV because it's not stimulating enough...I guess. Literally, I have to be on my phone or laptop just to watch a TV show...it's insane. Anyways, I think for me, listening to the track is like a subconscious way of keeping my mind busy enough while I doze off, instead of laying in bed analyzing why I can't fall asleep and calculating the number of minutes I could sleep if I fell asleep instantly, etc.

Regards

Aug 26, 2017

I have the same issue. I've tried melatonin; does nothing. Benadryl does nothing and makes me trip.

Honestly, all that works is weed. But I stopped smoking weed because it makes me lazy.

Aug 26, 2017

i usually prop my ipad up on a pillow next to me, watch an episode of the office, always sunny, or family guy. Then put on a second one and close my eyes. It works with any show that you've seen many times. Most times you can kinda visualize whats going on anyway, and theres no need to actually watch it. and then the ipad shuts off on its own after the episode is over due to inactivity

I eat success for breakfast...with skim milk

Aug 26, 2017

Another thing that works for me if I'm physically tired but can't sleep because I have things on my mind is to watch The Science Chanel, History Chanel, etc.

If you have DirecTV, it's 284, 276, and 277.

I'll watch Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman and let his sweet, sweet voice caress me to sleep.

Also, stuff like Modern Marvels and How It's Made works wonders.
Nothing like a 20-minute walk-through of a snowboard assembly line to put you to sleep.

Aug 26, 2017
Little Engine Would:

Another thing that works for me if I'm physically tired but can't sleep because I have things on my mind is to watch The Science Chanel, History Chanel, etc.

If you have DirecTV, it's 284, 276, and 277.

I'll watch Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman and let his sweet, sweet voice caress me to sleep.

Also, stuff like Modern Marvels and How It's Made works wonders.
Nothing like a 20-minute walk-through of a snowboard assembly line to put you to sleep.

They have shows about the history and science of Chanel?

All kidding aside, have you tried a glass of wine? I find that being that tired and having just a bit of alcohol makes me incredibly sleepy.

Aug 26, 2017

Lay off the bam bam after 5pm

Aug 26, 2017

I got home yesterday at 5 am and the last time i saw the time was around 6 am. The problem with pills is I don't think I can wake up with 2-3 h of sleep. Reading has worked for me in the past and I use the 3 alarms trick...

The least I slept once, given that I couldn't do an allnighter was 45 minutes, shower and got back to work just in time

Aug 26, 2017

I found a new one:

Reading people LinkedIn bios. The less indentation used, the better.

Aug 26, 2017

thx for the fasion advice bro!

Aug 26, 2017

doesn't help if you were born ugly

I'm making it up as I go along.

Aug 26, 2017

Eat healthy and drink enough water

Aug 26, 2017

Eat healthy!

Aug 26, 2017

Also, if you are really interested in being well rested get total body health by eating all raw. but i know, what is quite extreme. you wont need much rest to feel rested though. just saying.

Aug 26, 2017

Winning!

Aug 26, 2017

I rub one out every night and I feel well rested the next morning.

Aug 26, 2017
txjustin:

I rub one out every night and I feel well rested the next morning.

this definitely helps if you cant sleep.

Aug 26, 2017

digestive enyzmes

Aug 26, 2017

Walking for 20 minutes each day... Are there really people who don't do that??!!

Aug 26, 2017

Thanks bro

Aug 26, 2017

I miss man week already....

Valor is of no service, chance rules all, and the bravest often fall by the hands of cowards. - Tacitus

Dr. Nick Riviera: Hey, don't worry. You don't have to make up stories here. Save that for court!

Aug 26, 2017

eddie is gunna be so disappointed when he gets back...

Making money is art and working is art and good business is the best art - Andy Warhol

Aug 26, 2017

Can you copy and paste the article? I dont have a sub to WSJ

Aug 26, 2017

You get free access to WSJ through Google. Search for the title of the article.

    • 1
Aug 26, 2017

If you have imsomnia you should See a doctor firstly . It can cause serious problem if you delay it . You shouldn't sleep during day . You can listen soft and relaxing music before sleeping . Try sleep without thinking or think good thinks . Your sleeping place is important . If you can't sleep in your bedroom you can make some changes .

Aug 26, 2017
montyjackson:

If you have imsomnia you should See a doctor firstly . It can cause serious problem if you delay it . You shouldn't sleep during day . You can listen soft and relaxing music before sleeping . Try sleep without thinking or think good thinks . Your sleeping place is important . If you can't sleep in your bedroom you can make some changes .

I'm very irritated by the awkward spacing before the period random capitalization of letters. Are you a robot?

    • 1
Aug 26, 2017

"Try sleep without thinking or think good thinks"

eloquently said

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Aug 26, 2017
  1. Exercise really hard
  2. If that doesn't work, melatonin
Aug 26, 2017
bankstar:
  1. Exercise really hard
  2. If that doesn't work, melatonin

1 + a couple of brews and some protein..

your body will overrule your brain even if you have been stuck doing menial shit all day and your brain is not tired...

Aug 26, 2017

Repeating what other people have said here, but melatonin really helps with putting you to sleep, and keeping you asleep. With that being said, there have been some nights where I took melatonin and woke up in the middle of the night, and would struggle for hours to go back to sleep.

Aug 26, 2017

NyQuil or Benadryl

Aug 26, 2017

NyQuil destroys your liver. Don't use that shit as a sleep aid.

Aug 26, 2017

Weed and alcohol. And I'm not playing. When its time to go to bed, it's normally after 2 glasses of red wine and a bowl.

"It is better to have a friendship based on business, than a business based on friendship." - Rockefeller.

"Live fast, die hard. Leave a good looking body." - Navy SEAL

Aug 26, 2017

i dont recommend weed just because you wont be as mentally sharp for 1-2 days

Aug 26, 2017

get dog shit hammered before bed

Aug 26, 2017

I fight off insomnia with sleep. Works like a charm, would recommend 10/10.

Aug 26, 2017

gaba, valerian root + melatonin

Aug 26, 2017

microdose of melatonin does wonders

Aug 26, 2017

Find the perfect drinking balance where you've had enough to be tipsy and sleepy, but not enough to be hungover. Find that balance and never let go.

Aug 26, 2017

Get in a regular routine.

Aug 26, 2017

Exercise, a healthy diet and a routine are all very important for getting optimal sleep. What helped me dealing with those sleepless nights is that rest is not binary - you have very degrees of resting. If you're lying in bed with your eyes closed, even though you are not sleeping, you are getting some rest. The fact that I am still getting some rest in just by lying there with my eyes closed and focused on my breathing is very soothing. Next time you are getting stressed up when you can't sleep, try to keep in mind that resting is not a binary function.

Aug 26, 2017

Kava has been a life saver. Got a bad rep due to an unproven report of hepatoxicity, but this stuff will put your mind at ease just as well as a xan

Aug 26, 2017

Melatonine knocks me the fuck out. Like xamax knock out. I read it can be addictive so you're not supposed to take it all the time. I'd reiterate what has been said above. Get the TV out of the bedroom. Have some wine. Exercise. Stop the naps. Usually takes a couple tired days to break the cycle, but once you do, you'll pass right out once you hit the pillow.

Also, maybe learn to meditate or do yoga. Honestly, you shouldn't have insomnia as a young person. Wait until you are a middle aged dude with a family and mortgage to start stressing and staying up all night. Learn to not sweat the small stuff now or you'll be a ball of nerves once you get older and have really shit on your plate.

Aug 26, 2017

Reading this thread at 2AM after responding to the one titled "Whats your favorite coffee?"

Aug 26, 2017

Dude, insomnia's a fucking curse... Always joked that I'd be an excellent banker because of it though. Haha.

People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis, you can't trust people Jeremy

Aug 26, 2017

The fact that you would categorize this as a semi-serious questions leads me to believe that you have poor judgment and will get dinged in the 1st round when asked about the most recent books you have read you respond "Twilight Trilogy" because you thought honesty was the best policy! Keep that sht to yourself broooooo!

Aug 26, 2017

Umm...could be really bad.

You don't have control over your hours in banking, so the ability to fall asleep easily when you get home is actually a benefit. Worst thing I can ever imagine is working 100 hr weeks and not being able to fall asleep on top of that.

Aug 26, 2017

No don't put that on your resume!

Geez, people are so IB-centric that they're willing to tailor their sleeping disorders towards interview success? What next, touting bi-polar or post-war traumatic stress disorder?

Aug 26, 2017
Roger Davis:

What next, touting bi-polar or post-war traumatic stress disorder?

Fierce

Aug 26, 2017

This post would've been pretty funny if you hadnt said you were semi-serious.

Come on man, do you really think putting things about your health on your resume are going to help you? You've made some pretty solid posts before which is why Im not tearing you a new one right now, you know better! :-p

Aug 26, 2017
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