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Comments (34)

  • Research Analyst in PE - Other
Sep 15, 2020 - 1:29am

Don't do it

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  • VP in IB - Ind
Sep 15, 2020 - 6:30pm

I've friends who got married young and are still happy a decade on. Also have friends who got married when they were older and "ready" who were divorced within a year. Has more to do with emotional maturity and ability to be happy with what you have than age, imo 

My advice is to wait and observe. Date for two years, live together for one, ask yourself if you could stand this person for the next fifty. Being crazy about someone is good but that can fade and there are 99 other things that you should weigh more seriously than early hormone-fueled feelings

If you do get married, and no matter how great your partner, sign the papers in a non-community property state for your own sanity

Sep 15, 2020 - 2:28am

No advantage to proposing this early. I think it's weird to date for 5+ years without proposed but anything less than that is fine. 

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  • Intern in IB - Ind
Sep 15, 2020 - 5:27am

My boyfriend and I have talked about it. We've been dating for two years now and I wish to have a ring by spring so we can both go into our IB jobs secure in that 100 hour work weeks won't drive us apart.

Most Helpful
  • Investment Manager in HF - Other
Sep 15, 2020 - 7:34am

Some unsolicited advice from a stranger online:

Being engaged before your IB isn't what will bring you peace of mind. What I mean is, that while you may think it will help (and it might some, shows you are both committed), the 100 hr weeks, the financial stress (and freedom), living together in a new place and figuring out how life will work, are the challenges and are a lot closer to what life will be like going forward. Those are the things that test a relationship (and can also help form a stronger bond). Additionally, life is very different from college to your mid 20's; responsibilities are different, your finances are different, etc. and that can help you understand the other person better. Life will change, and people can change too, and that is the part that is very hard to predict/know (how will they spend their money? How will they prioritize time with family? How will we even pick where to go on trips? And then if you don't live with them, how will they be as a partner in the home?)
 

I know many people where being engaged "early" (in college) has worked out fine and they are perfectly happy, so do what you think is best. But of the people I know who have gone through the unfortunate process of divorce, a majority of them were engaged at times where life was pretty different (mostly in college). But again, those are just my experiences.

  • Intern in IB - Ind
Sep 15, 2020 - 1:46pm

Sb +1 thanks for your thoughts. I guess we've been a bit premature on planning for these sorts of things as we have talked about and also identified many similarities in our familial goals (kids, home life, who will stay home,etc..) , financial plan (made a joint excel sheet to project), all the way up to retirement and taking care of each other's parents. I am cognizant that a lot of things can change, and I would appreciate any more points of consideration we should plan ahead for.

Sep 18, 2020 - 1:30pm

This is actually really good advice. I got engaged and married at a pretty young age, and although I got married recently, I've never second guessed my decision. But I thought about it a lot, asked all my friends and family for their input, and looked at my wife through different lenses.

I find my wife incredibly attractive, but I also wanted to know if she'd be a good mom way down the line. I needed to make sure she's levelheaded during rough times, that she's loyal even when I give too much attention to work/ other things, and that's she's fine with adjusting our lifestyle based on financial situation. COVID actually made it easier to test these things, we were both impacted and what not. I know I made the right decision.

But being engaged and married does not make you "secure" in a relationship. People can still cheat or leave, maybe leaving is more expensive but do you really want to be with someone just because divorce is expensive?

There's a lot to think about. One of my best friends told me this sage advice, "If your decision isn't an absolute 'fuck yes', then don't do it."

“The three most harmful addictions are heroin, carbohydrates, and a monthly salary.” - Nassim Taleb
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  • Associate 1 in PE - Other
Sep 15, 2020 - 3:55pm

So you're saying the ring will prevent you from being driven apart? Won't this just make it worse if you do get driven apart like most couples that meet in college?

  • Intern in AM - Equities
Sep 15, 2020 - 10:33pm

ive seen many relationships at school  break when one person is at IB let alone both 

i would honestly wait till after you guys have ur works lives sorted out and in the rotuines of it, but if u ugys are happy than all the power to you 

Sep 15, 2020 - 12:33pm

How young? 

A year seems pretty quick to me and I would 100% want to live with someone first. You find out a lot about the other when living together no matter how much time you used to spend together. I am engaged but over 30, we were together for 3+ years and lived together for 1+ when I proposed. 

Array

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  • Intern in IB - Ind
Sep 15, 2020 - 1:40pm

Hey, can you expound on the kinds of things you learn when living together with someone that you just can't no matter how much time you spend before? It's highly unlikely I'll be able to live with my boyfriend before marriage as my family is super religiously conservative, but his parents are actually a proponent of the above idea.

Sep 15, 2020 - 2:05pm

Just basic things really, hopefully all of the big items will be seen/discussed before moving in together. Like routines and habits, does your SO clean or do chores? You might think well that's fine I can do that but when you're stuck doing his laundry and responsible for everything around you place while he's just chilling it could be frustrating. What do each of you like to do during true down time? Good just sitting around or do you need to be doing something. Eating habits, bathroom habits, pre/post work routines, sleep schedules, manners, personalities, can go on and on. These things seem little, which they are, but living together magnifies everything both good and bad. 

Array

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Sep 15, 2020 - 2:54pm

Completely agree with the above comments, but just to give you another perspective, a good friend doesn't necessarily make a good roommate. I could never, NEVER live with my best friend, even though we are as close as can be. It's the same with a partner. Spending a lot of time together is absolutely not the same as living together, you don't have to make any joint decisions and there are so many things that you don't necessarily see / experience until you live together. Being able to agree on furnishing and decor, taking care of housework together, splitting expenses, etc are all good practice and sign of compatibility, if you can't agree on those, you don't stand a chance to have a successful marriage. 

I know it's not the best comparison, but if you're looking to buy a car, you can spend hundreds of hours researching different cars and gaining super detailed knowledge, but you'll never actually know what it's truly like until you test drive it. Before you commit the rest of your life to someone, how about a little test drive to make sure things are as you think they are. 

Sep 15, 2020 - 10:57pm

I got married as a junior in college. It really hasn't been that hard.

Your wife already sounds awesome.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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Sep 15, 2020 - 2:29pm

I'm definitely not qualified to answer this but I think I can offer some perspective.

My parents dated for 3 months before deciding to get married. They're still together and I don't see them ever breaking up. My grandparents dated for 6 months before marrying. Still together and very much in love for (as much as 80 year olds can) At the same time, my sister and her BF have been together for 2 years but I don't know how stable that relationship is. If you know, you know.

I'm personally not going to date someone for years before deciding to marry someone. That sounds counterintuitive and just a waste of time. I might wait a little bit to let her know what my intentions are, but still I'm gonna trust my gut on that.

I also don't understand why people date for years and then move in and break up right after (like they really didn't take the time to know each other in depth for that long? or they're so unwilling to make very minor sacrifices and adjustments?).

Anyways, I'd personally move in with someone before deciding to get married.

Sep 15, 2020 - 4:19pm

I got engaged to my wife when she was working 100 hour weeks. 5 yrs later we're still married. Do what's best for you.

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Sep 16, 2020 - 7:12pm

We tried to have 1 dedicated day to us during the week. If we couldn't have that we settled for like a dinner or lunch together or something. Lots of late night meals just to see each other. We did it for a yr and a half. Now we're busy still but nowhere near. We're both probably around 60 hrs week but we space our time so it's not all at once. 

Funniest
Sep 15, 2020 - 4:37pm

Heard someone say it well, "Getting married early is a start-up. Getting married at 35 is a merger"

Both are good in my opinion, but there is something more romantic and thrilling in my opinion about starting out from scratch and growing together which is missing in the latter. 

Sep 15, 2020 - 7:05pm

NoEquityResearch

Heard someone say it well, "Getting married early is a start-up. Getting married at 35 is a merger"

Both are good in my opinion, but there is something more romantic and thrilling in my opinion about starting out from scratch and growing together which is missing in the latter. 

I generally would prefer to start from scratch as well and marry young. I am not interested in a 'merger' with lots of baggage.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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  • Prospect in IB-M&A
Sep 15, 2020 - 8:28pm

But you're already 37. If you're going for a young chic it seems like an acquisition rather than a merger or a startup. :)

P.S. This is the same guy who said he was scared of partner dying young which is how I know your age.

Sep 16, 2020 - 1:46am

I've been in a really long-term relationship (4-6yrs+). My gf and I went through our shitty greek life years being shitty greek life ppl as well as when I was in banking and she was in a fairly high pressure tech role at a FAANG company. After a year, I would've said it was very tough to make the call whether I'd every propose. Hell, after two or three years, I'd  also struggle but it was becoming more clear. After all the shit we've been through and seeing how formidable a force the two of us are against fairly adversarial conditions which were driven by distance, career and at times family, I am confident that I will be proposing in the next year or two. I've arrived at that decision without feeling pressured or influenced by external forces and feel that it's just a natural step at this point in my life to go ahead and make the move. I would urge you to be age agnostic. If you feel like you have enough experience dating other women prior and won't be driven to flip your mind a couple years down the road, then you'll know it before you think to ask anyone even

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Sep 20, 2020 - 6:14pm

No one here can answer this for you, even though it sounds nice to hear everyone's stories.

You'll know when you know.  Many young marrieds have happy, fun, long marriages.

And "no one gets outta here alive," as Jim Morrison said.  Meaning life is going to throw excruciating, scary challenges for you two.  Challenges and change are inevitable.  It remains to be seen if you survive together, stronger, or it breaks your marriage.  Or if the marriage has to evolve (likely - people evolve and change).

It's not like the Greatest Generation, who marry knowing they are staying together.  Options now are very broad and divorce is far from weird, as is infidelity and all the variations related.  

It's nice to hear you love her so much.  Really. 

I knew a few months in, was engaged a few months later, and married a few months after that.  Young.  It's still good. 

Dec 22, 2020 - 5:29pm

Got married pretty young (mid-twenties). Took a couple of months to arrive at the decision, got engaged at 1 year mark, married at close to 2. Every relationship has its moments, but this one so far has kept getting only better. Both of us were serial daters before but I guess when you know, you know. Besides having respect and love for each other, my only advice is to make sure you have at least somewhat compatible visions on the life you want to build together (kids/no kids, location, goals). You'd be surprised how many people don't fully cover these bases.

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