Weddings

@Smoke Frog 

Ahhh... to be young! If you are footing the bill for your wedding, you have gone astray.

The way this works in real life is ... focus on being the best version of yourself and strive for success in your career. You will likely end up with someone from the privileged world you find yourself in. Your obligation is to pay for an expensive engagement ring and wedding rings. Your wife's family will cover the wedding. If your family cannot cover the rehearsal dinner, then you should probably cover it. But that's about it.

I am speaking in broad generalizations, but it works like this about 60% of the time from my experience. And guess what? Everyone is happy about it! I had a smallish (70 people) over the top wedding (probably ~175k) in Europe. And it was a blast, but it was probably a bigger deal to our parents than it was to us in retrospect. Your wife's family doles out for the wedding and you are basically responsible for paying for your wife's life (which will likely not be cheap) and that of your family. I know, I know ... this is how it worked 50 years ago, the world is a different place now... Women are as successful if not more successful than men in the workplace, blah blah blah... It's mostly how it works. My wife works, but for fulfillment not to provide for us. If she was single, she would probably be very successful in her career, but it would be stressful and exhausting and impedes ability build a life.

In terms of wedding experiences, I've been to probably 50 at this point pretty much all across Europe / America. My favorite was one of the first ones I attended in my mid- to late- 20s. It was actually simple - reception at a fun old school Yacht club in a popular New England Summer destination (think Nantucket / Vineyard / Newport). Everyone drank like fish and danced and just had a blast. Other notables: wedding / reception at a 2 star Michelin restaurant outside of a city, 750 person wedding in Manhattan, wedding for a daughter of a billionaire politician in dc. It's a fun part of being in your 20s / 30s even though it will feel exhausting for a 5 year stretch where you have like 10 weddings per year.

Edit: Re-read this and it can come across as entitled, but I am really just speaking to facts. If you go to a top undergrad / top grad school / successful career in finance, this really is what it tends to look like.

Wedding are expensive man, I wouldn’t put too much stock in it being fancy. 

The most important things are having good music, good food, and open bar. And all your friends and family there. That’s what really matters and makes it fun. 

We had a pretty nice wedding, not lavish by any stretch but it cost $60k and yeah I am glad we did it but we could have spent $20k and had 95% of the fun. Being able to chill with all your friends from different parts of your life at the same time is what makes it special. I can’t imagine dropping $200k or whatever would have made me enjoy it more. In fact I probably would have regretted spending that much even though we could have in theory. 

We paid for our own wedding bc my wife’s parents have no money and didn’t want to ask my parents to pay. 

Your soon to be wife’s parents will be footing the wedding bill

Through my college friends and work friends, I’ve been to some sick weddings. In fact, I’m going to a billionaires wedding in Europe next year that I’m sure will be sick. But the best wedding I’ve ever been to was actually my own.

I grew up lower middle class and in my culture, weddings are a low key thing and very cookie cutter, so I’d never been to a luxury one before my own. The way it came together was kind of funny.

When I met my wife she kind of made me believe her dad was a luxury goods salesman. It was only after I proposed that I slowly started to understand he actually owned his own business and wasn’t some random salesman.

I remember we had a meeting with a wedding planner at a fancy hotel and when she asked for her deposit of 30k, I was like wtf is going on. And then the insanity started. Some funny anecdotes I remember from that time:

The DJ my wife wanted would only take cash and I gave him 40k in cash at some random bar in midtown during lunch.

I remember my father in law asked me to research whether a baby elephant was allowed in the city…we ended up using a horse for me to ride down a famous street in the city. That was actually pretty surreal moment for me.

I was accidentally sent the flower bill for the wedding and the reception. It was low six figures. Just for the fucking flowers.

I ended up agreeing to pay for the cost of my guests. I invited about 70 people to my 600 person wedding and contributed 125k for that. So lord knows how much the entire thing costed. I’m guessing a million bucks was what my father in law dropped.

Was it awesome? Do friends and family still talk about it? Did I have a blast? Yes. But was it necessary? Not really. But I remember telling my dad it all felt too much and maybe I should tell my father in law to slow down. And my dad was like, “I understand and actually agree with you that this is a waste of money. But who are we to tell another man how to spend the money he mad himself?”

So if having a grand wedding is impotent to you and your family and your culture, and you can afford it, then why not. Just don’t go into debt or something over it.

And what you should always spend top dollar on is great food, great photographers and a great suit. Everything else is okay to skimp on.

Also, make sure you marry a great girl, casue marrying a bitch can literally ruin your life. You’d be amazed how many smart finance guys make the worst wife decisions, it’s amazing to me how reckless people are when choosing a spouse.

Whatever1984

Please, for the love of god don't give into the wedding industrial complex. I've been to great six(7?) figure weddings and crappy ones. (best was at the Curtis center in Philly, and after all the lobster and steak we got take-home cheesesteaks.)

My absolute favorite though was a tiny shindig in Somerville MA.  Highschool friend, James Beard nominated restaurant. about 40 people total, and I was told dinner was around $5k, and just put on the credit card. Outdoors, backyard style. we went bar hopping with the bride in her wedding dress afterward. 

*he'd just put it all on the credit card.

I went to a wedding where the couple clearly had money money, like full manor vibe, open bar that never had a line, late night food that tasted good, not just sad pizza. The funniest part is people still talked most about the dance floor. They had a proper setup and it made the whole night feel like an event.
For our wedding, we used DJ Maddox (we're in South Wales) and bundling the DJ with the photo mirror and the starlit floor made it feel way more put together without juggling a million vendors.

If I were to get married, I would keep it simple and small. Few close guests, music and something to eat.

tbh the costs are getting out of hand lately. being a groomsman is like a 2k hit to the wallet every time.

The only part I actually enjoy is the bachelor party if it’s done right. We just went to Boulder for my buddy's send-off and kept it pretty low key, just hitting breweries. 

We got a party bus from Phat Limo, which is the best limo service in Boulder, CO, so we didn't have to split into three different ubers every time we wanted to move. splitting the cost 10 ways made it negligible anyway. definitely beats waiting in the cold for a ride.

Your writing style, choice of words, and the phrase "happiest day of your life" suggest to me that you're the to-be bride at this wedding of yours. Your wedding is really for other people not you. Otherwise it's a huge waste of money. The grander the scale the more that goes in to planning and the more exhausted you'll be. Nobody fully gets to enjoy their own wedding past a certain size, it's your guests who enjoy it the most.