Assault on Wall Street: It's As Bad As You Think

Eddie Braverman's picture
Rank: The Pro | 21,104

I'm not sure what compelled me to see Assault on Wall Street over the weekend. I guess I just figured "How bad could it be?". Well, consider that question answered: it's truly execrable, but not without a few unintentional redeeming qualities.

We all know the basic premise of the movie: big evil banks drive some poor bastard into the poorhouse and he shows up on the trading floor with an Uzi and exacts sweet revenge on the behalf of little guys nationwide. For a ham-fisted propaganda piece, the movie is just what you'd expect. Where the movie fails to get it's anti-Wall Street message across, however, is in just how unlikeable the main characters are.

The movie centers on an armored car driver and his sick wife. Neither one of them is memorable in any way, and to prove this I can't even remember what her malady was. Leukemia, I think. Anyway, these two knuckleheads make a series of idiotic decisions which lead to financial catastrophe. The funny thing is that their problems weren't even caused by Wall Street.

Where evil Wall Street comes in is what happens to their savings account. The producers of the movie got so much wrong about this that it's laughable. First of all, the scenes with the big bad Wall Street CEO (played by John Heard) are a direct rip-off of Margin Call. They didn't even attempt to mask it. The bank has shitty assets and needs to dump them. Cut to trading floor where traders are offered big bonuses to clean house. It's almost word for word Margin Call.

Then we have our hapless rent-a-cop, who somehow has his life savings in RMBS, Commercial SWAPs, and a variety of other instruments limited to accredited investors with their own Bloomberg terminals. Of course all the paper goes pear shaped, and he gets a $60,000 margin call on top of everything else.

I'm just gonna stop right there, because I can feel myself getting pissed off again at how stupid the movie was. I mean, for fuck's sake, the actual assault in Assault on Wall Street didn't even start until 68 minutes into a 98 minute movie. The first two-thirds of the movie was just this dipshit making one low-IQ move after another.

It's gratifying to know that Main Street thinks this movie is a piece of shit, too. It's got a Rotten Tomatoes score of 14%, which puts it in the company of such classics as Gigli and Battlefield Earth. I'm frankly baffled as to how dreck like this gets made.

Here's the trailer if you're bored:

Comments (45)

May 20, 2013

...and this is why I see on average ~2 movies per year...

May 20, 2013

poon tang is why i see the other 20+ movies a year

WallStreetOasis.com:

...and this is why I see on average ~2 movies per year...

If the glove don't fit, you must acquit!

May 20, 2013

Thank you Uwe Boll for another masterpiece

"I am not sure who this 'Anonymous' person is - one thing is for certain, they have been one hell of a prolific writer" - Anonymous

May 20, 2013

It's Uwe Boll...this is what you get from government subsidies.

I laughed when the wife killed herself...I'm a terrible person, but come on. That's reaching too far. It was getting ridiculous 30 minutes in, and just spiraled downwards.

Unfortunately, I think the average person probably believes this. If somebody ever does wage war on "Wall St", it will either be bombing some bank's back office on actual Wall Street or some regional brokerage office.

May 20, 2013
West Coast rainmaker:

I laughed when the wife killed herself...I'm a terrible person, but come on. That's reaching too far. It was getting ridiculous 30 minutes in, and just spiraled downwards.

Oh my God, that's so funny. I thought I was the only one. I was sitting there thinking, "Jesus Christ, lady. You couldn't help a brother out and kill yourself a half hour ago?" lol.

May 20, 2013

I have a strange desire to see this movie, maybe a la Mystery Science Theater.

My father in law is a steelworker and this reads like some of the stuff I see in his union newsletters.

May 20, 2013

I have to say, I know everyone hates Wall Street right now but when I saw this preview on youtube last month I thought this movie took it a little far. I didn't see the movie nor do I intend to but I think telling people the guy who goes in and takes out his financial advisor because his portfolio got creamed in the crisis is the good guy is not a responsible message to send.

Glad to hear it was as bad as it looked.

Give me a kid whose smart, poor, and hungry...............

May 20, 2013

Conversely, I watched "End of Watch" on demand and "Star Trek Into Darkness" in theatres this weekend. Both were great.

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May 20, 2013

I can't wait for Man of Steel.

May 20, 2013

For some reason I was expecting a replica of the scene in Zoolander where Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson bust in and try to steal the files that are "in the computer." Except this time some schmuck busts onto a trading floor, guns everyone down, and demands to know where the money is. Classic awful.

May 20, 2013
Edmundo Braverman:

Then we have our hapless rent-a-cop, who somehow has his life savings in RMBS, Commercial SWAPs, and a variety of other instruments limited to accredited investors with their own Bloomberg terminals.

hahahahahha

May 20, 2013
Edmundo Braverman:

Then we have our hapless rent-a-cop, who somehow has his life savings in RMBS, Commercial SWAPs, and a variety of other instruments limited to accredited investors with their own Bloomberg terminals. Of course all the paper goes pear shaped, and he gets a $60,000 margin call on top of everything else.

Wait a minute hold the phone. You're telling me Joe6Pack was NOT the biggest loser of Main and SovX blowing up at all time wides? o.0

Downloaded this and will watch it at some point when am extremely bored, but lol @ what the director thought was a good idea (i.e. too intricate for a regular joe watching to understand while too blatantly wrong for people in the industry)

May 20, 2013
Edmundo Braverman:

Then we have our hapless rent-a-cop, who somehow has his life savings in RMBS, Commercial SWAPs, and a variety of other instruments limited to accredited investors with their own Bloomberg terminals.

10/10

May 20, 2013

This is definitely a terrible movie.

I was surprised how there was literally no justification for his killings. I mean they could have made him at least turn crazy or something, that would have been a little more believable. But the whole time he is portrayed as some hero-vigilante.
I'm also glad main st. isn't buying this crap -- that would actually scare me. Hopefully this doesn't spark some bright idea in the mind of someone who is mentally unstable. Damn.

May 20, 2013

I'm waiting for the sequel "Assault on Occupy Wall Street"

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May 21, 2013

Despite of the illogical film plot, sure I will watch it when I cannot sleep.
The shootout is great, I guess..

May 21, 2013

The lifts looked a lot like those of the GS building in New York. Anyone notice that during his last attack ?

May 21, 2013

Anything has got to be better than the new great gatsby
seriously, such a huge departure from the novel

happy to give advice; no asking for referrals please

May 20, 2013

this i actually wanted to see. why did it suck?

matayo:

Anything has got to be better than the new great gatsby
seriously, such a huge departure from the novel

If the glove don't fit, you must acquit!

May 21, 2013

This has got to be the dumbest thing I have EVER seen

May 21, 2013

Liz warren gives it two thumps up.

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May 21, 2013

Liz Warren actually has a cameo as this guys partner in the assault... she takes on sort of a xena princess warrior role, wearing camo booty shorts, bullet chains and shit.

On a side note, I bet this movie has some great one-liners, like: "I'm about to restructure... your ass" before setting off a bomb in the one of the buildings.

"Yes. Money has been a little bit tight lately, but at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm gonna be thinking about how many friends I have and my children and my comedy albums."

May 21, 2013

This has to be the worst wall street themed movie I've ever seen. The first 4mins put me off completely. "All right people, Listen up . .. . .blah blah".

Funny how these guys just throw around a couple of jargons in these movies.

May 21, 2013

Haha, looks ridiculous. Great production quality too

May 21, 2013

When things in this country really hit the fan, expect alot of weirdos to come out of the woodwork.

I read an article about some 1%'ers in The Hamptons who were honestly scared for their safety because America is doing so bad thanks to Wall Street.

alpha currency trader wanna-be

May 21, 2013

I hate bullshit movies like that!

May 21, 2013

Hopefully this movie doesn't give the wrong people any ideas. The last thing we need is some psychopath investor thinking this is the blue print for revenge. However I will certainly stream it online for free because that's all it's worth. I definitely thought it was a parody when I saw the trailer on WSO though....

May 21, 2013

Plot twist - the guy's hedge fund had bought up a huge portfolio of life settlements before the rampage.

It's actually a heartwarming story about a fund manager that upheld his fiduciary duty to his limited partners at any cost.

May 21, 2013

It's a Uwe Boll movie. I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

May 20, 2013
holla_back:

It's a Uwe Boll movie. I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

Exactly

May 21, 2013
holla_back:

It's a Uwe Boll movie. I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

Pretty much all you need to know...

May 21, 2013
holla_back:

It's a Uwe Boll movie. I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

That's DOCTOR Uwe Boll, to you!

May 21, 2013

OP, stop being such a baby.

May 21, 2013

I thought these guys were against guns...

May 21, 2013

If you're uncomfortable with people hating you you've gotta get another gig. People will hate, don't be chippy about and just try not to be a d-bag and feed the monster.

May 21, 2013
juniormistmaker:

If you're uncomfortable with people hating you you've gotta get another gig. People will hate, don't be chippy about and just try not to be a d-bag and feed the monster.

Good point.

May 21, 2013

Movie doesn't even make any sense. He loses his job and house so therefore he goes around killing equity traders. The character should shoot himself for putting 0% down and taking on an ARM loan.

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May 20, 2013
TeddyTheBear:

Movie doesn't even make any sense. He loses his job and house so therefore he goes around killing equity traders. The character should shoot himself for putting 0% down and taking on an ARM loan.

lol

May 21, 2013
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"That dude is so haole, he don't even have any breath left."

May 21, 2013
May 21, 2013
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