Bonus Bananas March 22, 2013

"It's days like these that keep me on my winning streak." - Butch Walker and the Let's Go Out Tonights

Let's rock:

1) Traders Short Junk-Bond ETFs as Gains Top 100% (Bloomberg) - Apparently there's a little too much froth on the junk bond latté, because credit traders are hedging with ETFs in droves. Is there something to this, or are these guys just trying to be the next Michael Burry?

2) $614M SAC Capital Settlement a Sign of Wall Street’s Cynical Calculus (Daily Beast) - Now that it's official that there will be no criminal prosecutions for Wall Street skulduggery (see #4), banks and hedge funds can just work the cost of fines into their overhead calculations. He who pays and runs away lives to steal another day.

3) F*ckin’ Europe. Again. (The Reformed Broker) - Josh Brown routinely cracks me up, but he really had me rolling with this one.

4) Eric Holder Makes it Official: Crime Is The Economic Model (EconoMonitor) - Who says crime doesn't pay? Now that the risk of prison is all but off the table as long as you're "systemically important", there's no reason not to rip and tear. Good times.

5) Jaw-Dropping Crimes of the Big Banks (The Big Picture) - The boys over at Infusion Analytics are en fuego this week. Here Ritholtz lays out some of the more audacious and egregious crimes of the banks, and it's really worth a read. If you guys think I harp on this stuff a little too much, please just realize that I'm utterly fascinated by it. In my day, it was all individuals who were breaking the law. It's just bizarre to me that somehow now it's all institutions.

6) Startup CEO: How To Quit The Trading Floor and Do A Startup Placing Interns All Around The World (Forbes) - I love this guy's answer to the first question about why he left banking to pursue his own startup:

I realized early on in banking that the rigid, hierarchical corporate path in a mature, saturated industry was not where I wanted to spend the next decades of my life.

That about sums it up. Plus his business model really is a no-brainer. Who better than a banker to see the value in placing interns around the world?

7) Would Facebook Have Sold To Yahoo for $1.6 Billion? We’ll Never Know (TechCrunch) - This is an interesting woulda-coulda-shoulda analysis of what might have happened if Yahoo! had courted Zuck a little more ardently. He's not my favorite guy in the world, but you have to respect a kid in his 20's who wouldn't give Yahoo! the time of day when they offered him a billion fucking dollars.

8) How to Play 'Call of Duty' Better (Men's Journal) - Tired of your perennial n00b status and watching 12-year old kids profane your digital corpse? Read on, soldier.

9) Just don't call him Mad Dog (San Diego Union-Tribune) - The Marine Corps is losing a living legend with the announced retirement of Gen. James "Mad Dog" Mattis after 43 years of service. In addition to being a bona fide badass who routinely patrolled war zones with his enlisted personnel (even earning a Purple Heart when an IED went off on his patrol), he is eminently quotable and hysterically funny in a really terrifying way. Here's a great compendium of his more memorable quotes over the years, and here are two of my absolute favorites:

"I come in peace. I didn't bring artillery. But I’m pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I’ll kill you all."

and
"We’ve backed off in good faith to try and give you a chance to straighten this problem out. But I am going to beg with you for a minute. I'm going to plead with you, do not cross us. Because if you do, the survivors will write about what we do here for 10,000 years."

Here's hoping he goes to work for the State Department, because he clearly has a gift for explaining foreign policy.

10) 25 Things We Hate About Living in New York City (BroBible) - We haven't had a screed about how much ass NYC sucks in quite a while, and this one is as good as any and better than most. Seriously, what's with all the goddam rats? It's fucking 17th century Venice out there.

Video of the Week:

This week's video is silly and stupid but I laugh my ass off every time I watch it. Here's hoping it gets you through your Friday a little easier. I especially like all the fun and games you can play with a well-placed mousetrap. Enjoy:

That's it for this week, fellas. Let me know what you think of this week's Bananas in the comments, and have a magnificent weekend!

 
Best Response
Edmundo Braverman:
8) How to Play 'Call of Duty' Better (Men's Journal) - Tired of your perennial n00b status and watching 12-year old kids profane your digital corpse? Read on, soldier.

I was a bit disappointed by this one. It was a good effort but nothing particularly insightful (practice? get a better tv? C'mon). Here's a little tip they left out...aim for the face.

Edmundo Braverman:
10) 25 Things We Hate About Living in New York City (BroBible) - We haven't had a screed about how much ass NYC sucks in quite a while, and this one is as good as any and better than most. Seriously, what's with all the goddam rats? It's fucking 17th century Venice out there.

This was pure gold. Inside I was shedding tears of tears of appreciation. The only one I disagree with is the one about playing sports. Zog Sports is an excellent intramural sports league in NYC, and through that you can play pretty much anything you want in a competitive organized way. They even have bowling!

 

I have a man crush on General Mattis the way some of you guys do with Einhorn, Thiel, etc.

One of my jarhead buddies got a direct email from him, and the one-liners were just as good. That's how the guy is, all the time. I hate these wars but I am thankful the Marines are led by guys like that.

As for the bank stories, I'm glad you harp on it, even it just ends up pissing me off that none of these guys will see the inside of a prison cell.

 
Scott Irish:
I have a man crush on General Mattis the way some of you guys do with Einhorn, Thiel, etc
Hell yeah dude. "I come in peace. I didn't bring artillery. But I'm pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I'll kill you all." He's everything Bruce Willis pretends to be LOL
Get busy living
 

NorthSider is going to love #5. And probably #2 and #4 as well.

10 speaks to me on an intimate level.

"For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen."
 
Edmundo Braverman:
duffmt6:
NorthSider is going to love #5. And probably #2 and #4 as well.

10 speaks to me on an intimate level.

I actually had NorthSider in mind when I dropped #5 in there.

I'm actually a little disappointed Eddy. The article is clearly biased and some of the things that they mentioned are simply speculation rather than fact. I'm not going to argue that banks are perfect, but what corporation or individual for that matter is? Considering the thousands of banks, millions of employees, and billions of transactions that have been conducted, I am sure there are going to be some 'bad' acts. How sad (funny) would it be if someone made a list like this about government?

"Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, for knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA."
 

Some other AMAZING Mad Dog quotes:

The most important six inches on the battlefield is between your ears.

Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.

There are some people who think you have to hate them in order to shoot them. I don’t think you do. It’s just business.

"The first time you blow someone away is not an insignificant event. That said, there are some *******s in the world that just need to be shot. There are hunters and there are victims. By your discipline, you will decide if you are a hunter or a victim."

I spent 30 years getting ready for that decision that took 30 seconds.

"Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, for knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA."
 

Facere commodi facilis voluptatem est molestias minima est. Et quasi voluptatem rerum modi. Aliquid laboriosam ut alias. Eaque quisquam laboriosam labore perspiciatis. Perferendis odit fugiat doloribus temporibus.

Impedit aut nam nihil ut possimus. Omnis libero veniam fugiat facilis quaerat voluptas.

It's all manipulated with junk bonds. You can't win.

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