Critique my freshman cold email template

For the intro, I've found it's best to show the connection there - school alumni, frat/sorority alumni, hometown, etc. I'd also drop the minor unless you have a very good reason to include bc it doesn't matter a ton.

When reaching out, I would focus more on you wanting to learn more about the firm and the person's role - people like to talk about themselves and their roles. Your current structure makes it seem like you just want to know about whatever internships are available, so you could realistically just talk to HR. Not too many people in LevFin will want to talk about the CRE group, for example. At the end of the call, ask what advice they have if you were to pursue the internship (they might refer you). and/or you could also ask for a contact in another group that you're interested in. You're a freshman so you'll get some leeway with not knowing exactly which group you want - you're definitely ahead of where I was freshman year!

I'd say that some people find attaching your resume as too forward. I personally don't care, but it may be a turn off for others. Also I would expect a Freshman resume doesn't really have anything too substantial? maybe yours does, idk. 

others, please add/disagree with any of this