How to handle the mental stress when nobody cares?
Pretty much title. Im a fourth year who went A2A in a 3 year An program. I like my bank and the people, but I feel like I can’t take the stress, and it makes me wanna blow my brains out, but anything more mundane than IB makes me wanna wither and die.
I appreciate my friends but nobody cares how I actually feel, which is fine I guess. This is Wall Street, not the Salvation Army.
I guess has anyone else felt the same way about the stress and hatred of it but not wanting to leave? Feels like limbo, and idk what to do.
Kind of a hippy advice but it would be good to see a therapist. If you are busy, online therapy is fine as well. Just need someone who is empathetic and objective to assess your situation and give tips on how to manage your emotions or give different perspective.
Look into stoicism as well. The Daily Stoic is a really easy book and introduction to the topic, and just pick and choose what part of the book you want to read as it is explaining excerpts of the stoic materials. After that you can go into Meditation by Marcus Aurelius which is a bit more dry but more thoughtful.
Hope this helps
What you suggest are coping mechanisms - stoicism is a slave philosophy, the one of someone who cannot change his life and the world around him and therefore learns to live with it by distancing itself from its emotional responses and accepting defeat.
The American - not even Western, really American - psychological approach to problems is based on a submissive mindset in which the individual experiencing negative feelings is considered to be in the wrong. Your two suggestions - therapy and stoicism - really boil down to the same advice: "live with the pain". If this piece of advice can prove relevant for people going through extreme situations, such as someone having experienced the loss of a child, it is highly inappropriate for those who still have agency in their lives because it just keeps them down rather than encourage them to take action.
OP must look into himself and first identify where this stress comes from. Psychological pressure due to seniors having unreasonable expectations in terms of deadlines / work product? Requests from seniors always coming in unexpectedly, keeping OP on the edge at all times? To solve your issue, you must first understand it. What's the source of this stress? Only then will you be able to take action.
Well sure we will agree to disagree on this one as I think we have different approaches to stoicism as a philosophy itself - still think stoicism and therapy is helpful for people but not for everyone obviously.
It has helped me work through some traumas from the military experience, which obviously is more extreme than OP's workplace situation so agree with you there.
Finding stressor is key importance and agree with you there as well - therapist may be beneficial and accelerate this process but does not mean you cannot find it by yourself.
I'll disagree with that. Stoicism's just a mechanism and anyone can use it for different purposes. For instance, assume two persons.
Person 1: Has financial troubles, family problems, soul-draining 9-5, etc., instead of suffering because of his circumstances, he might as well just embrace a stoic mindset and move forward with life with neutral emotions (which is way better than being angry, furious, sad, etc.). Even so, keeping a neutral state of emotions might as well help him think clearly and expend less energy on negative emotions, which could allow him to use that energy towards better endeavors that could improve his life. Person 1 is the slave mindset.
Now, person 2 could do nothing and have a comfortable life, or he could opt to aim higher and reach exceptional results, but that may require sacrificing relationships, working 16 hours a day, doing things that he doesn't want to do at the moment, etc. In his case, stoicism allows him to keep a neutral state of emotions in those moments when emotions might make you not want to do it (laziness, comfort, complacency, etc). Going for a workout is pain and suffering compared to taking a nap, so you might as well stay stoic if you want to accomplish something.
I'm extremely confident that OP is in the situation of Person 2. He could just step back, move in IB, and have a routine where he is mostly on autopilot and where he can do everything without much thinking (= less stress), but he wants to be in the company and in the position in which he is now, which may require more responsibility, more focus throughout the day (because it's not monotone), and whatsoever. He just has higher standards, and higher standards come hand-in-hand with more stress.
His solutions: 1) Remain in the company and the position embracing a stoic mindset; 2) Remain in the company and the position and change what is causing him stress (I doubt he can do that); 3) Leave the company. Regarding solution 2, what are his options? Ask for less work? Participate in fewer meetings? etc., that would be the equivalent of lowering his standards because this will impact directly his bonus, his promotions, etc., so that's my take: high standards come hand in hand with more stress, so you might as well just become stoic, and get through it; if not, just lower your standards.
I have found stoicism to be incredibly helpful in a lot of parts of my life. In a world dictated by corporations that run you till you crawl, it’s helpful to remind yourself that you have true control over very little in your life. Which means you don’t HAVE to stress about the vast majority of things in your life.
I think you need to understand what most people aren't willing to admit when they're stressed. That is that if you are so mentally stressed, most likely you shouldn't be in your seat.
That doesn't mean you should look for another job. It means that you are going through a formative moment in your career which requires undergoing stress.
what's the source of your stress? It's a demanding job? If yes, you could just go for something less demanding and it will help you solve it. Otherwise, if you want really to be in the company and in the position in which you are, just embrace a stoic mindset and move forward (contrary to the above reply).
Read some tips on how to minimze stress at work: Do some coffee breaks, have small talks with other people within the company, go for a walk after lunch, drink your first coffee in the day when you arrive in the office, etc.
I have been doing online therapy and it has been very beneficial. Would have never thought a simple conversation could change my entire mindset. Also make sure to find 1-2 consistent activities outside of work, that you really enjoy.
Chiming in to plug for therapy. Was a game changer for me. The reality is you deal with an unreal amount of stress without the time or freedom to decompress, process and manage. Therapy helped me understand the triggers, and really how to manage, address and cope.
It's worth a try, it's absolutely not a commitment. You can literally walk away if it doesn't do it for you.
Any links/resources you recommend?
Be thankful for all of the fortune in and around my life. I couldve been a 16 year old in WW1 chilling in a trench watching a bayonet pass through my lungs
Firstly, congrats on recognising that you are stressed and trying to do something about it. It is nothing to be ashamed of and a natural survival response to situations. I have seen so many people with stress (including me) who are in denial about it before finally having a mental breakdown.
Firstly, your bank likely has some kind of "employee assistance program".
There should be a free number to call to arrange confidential counselling ( I know because I've used it at 2 banks). They should then be able to offer you weekly goals based therapy on topics as stress management. You can also reach out to friends, family and close colleagues. Can't give anymore specific advice as I don't know your situation but thing like the pandemic haven't helped. My advice is to seek help before physical symptoms manifest.
In my case it was a combination of being overworked for a couple of years, a family bereavement and having to go to the funeral to and facing my estranged brother who physically and mentally bullied me from the age of 6 until I went to university. My stress lead to insomnia, memory loss and guilt among other symptoms. Therapy helped me to realise that 1) I was overworked and 2) I had undiagnosed " complex PTSD " from my childhood bullying.
In the short term, me talking about my therapy helped 3 other colleagues recognise the symptoms and seek help ( one was suicidal and another was constantly getting angry). So opening up and showing vulnerability actually improved my relationships and network. In the medium term I moved to a job with a better work life balance and better pay and exercise more. Fresh start can sometimes help reset the mind. Also trying to meditate more (not really my thing but trying to stick with it).
In the long term, I'm reading more about CPTSD and how it has shaped my personality. What I thought was anxiety causes by work was actually "emotional flashbacks" of the feeling of abuse as a child.
Good luck on your journey. Mental health is just as important as physical health and more important than financial health!
Agree with some other things in this thread. I would definitely consider therapy if you haven’t already, as I experience the same challenges talking to my friends about how stressed I am all the time. A therapist is can be there specifically for that purpose.
A bigger question, because you went A2A and have been in banking for 4 years, is what do you want to do to change the situation? I have experienced similar things but am just trying to survive till the end of my second year - in contrast, it sounds you have no end in sight / solution to the problem. I think you really need to sit down and be honest with yourself about if you are willing to accept this job and the terrible stresses that come with it (which I don’t think really ever go away), or if you are going to find another solution. Whether that be taking a leave for a while, stopping caring/trying as much, or finding another job.
no way to handle it. with time you'll become less sensitive. the same stressful situations if repeated many times cause less stress later. so, just have to suffer for now, as everybody else who's sensitive and is working in a stressful environment. later you'll get used to it and will stress less.
How do you know that you'll "whither and die" with anything more mundane than IB, and for that matter how do you even know that other jobs would be much more mundane when IB is the only job you've had?
You need to relax your assumption about how "exciting" (lol) IB is, many consultants and bankers have successfully convinced themselves that doing anything else would be boring and soul crushing, which isn't true.
Not wanting to leave why? Are you short on money? In debt? There is no reason not to leave if you are truly unhappy. But you gotta be honest with yourself first, "anything more mundane than IB makes me wanna wither and die." sounds like Grade-A bullshit to me. Tried anything else before? Are you scared? Be honest with yourself at least on an anonymous forum so that we can actually help you.
hey, I'm real sorry to hear that you're feeling down in the dumps :( even if I don't know you, I do care! I know that sounds pretentious and phony, but there are people out there who really do care out of empathy. just cause we don't know each other doesn't mean I can't recognize that someone's going through something out there!
your comment that nobody out there cares how you actually feel stood out to me. if that is truly the case, I hope some day you'll be able to meet someone out there who does care. they are out there, I promise. I know it is a big world and meeting people can be hard, but whenever it gets tough, I hope you'll hold on out there! better days will, and do, come.
sorry I can't add much else. wishing you, and anyone else reading this who is feeling hopeless, regardless of occupation, the best!
Find a new job/career/industry. You've been in long enough to realize that no matter how much you advance, it will never change. At some point, you will.You'll just become the next VP/Director/MD whose miserable with their lives but puts up with it because, WTF else would they do?
You're still early enough to make a change. Assuming you aren't in golden handcuffs, taking a slight pay cut to pivot into something more fulfilling will likely be worth it in the long run. Only you can answer that for yourself. Best of luck.
At least you have a job.
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