If Investment Banks Were Divorced Dads
52. Second wife is 26 and “works in wellness.” His oldest daughter is 24 and refuses to discuss the age gap. Bought a Porsche immediately after the divorce and insists it was because the Cayenne has good resale value. Tells analysts that family is everything, then misses Christmas because “the client moved.”
The tasteful divorced dad. Second wife is age-appropriate, highly educated, and somehow makes him look less emotionally damaged than he is. Still sees the kids regularly. Has done six years of therapy and learned enough vocabulary to explain why none of this is technically his fault.
Still married, which makes everyone suspicious. Wife accepted long ago that she is effectively in a three-way relationship with him and Jamie Dimon. Has three children, a Labrador, and a vacation home he visits exclusively while on conference calls.
Divorce cost $4 million and somehow improved his net worth. Hired the best matrimonial lawyer in Manhattan and treated custody like hostile M&A. Kept the apartment, the wine cellar, and Wednesday nights. Ex-wife got weekends and emotional closure.
Quietly divorced ten years ago. Nobody knew. Nobody knows who he is dating now. Owns a $7 million apartment and dresses like a regional insurance broker. His son once asked what he does for work and got a 50-minute answer on independent advisory before deciding he preferred his mother.
Claims the divorce was “very amicable.” His ex-wife has blocked him on every platform. Lost 30 pounds, got veneers, bought a black Range Rover, and is suddenly following a suspicious number of 22-year-old fitness instructors on Instagram. Describes this as “a new chapter.”
Technically emerged from another marriage. Nobody in the family can explain the structure. Thanksgiving requires a whiteboard.
Moved to Paris after the divorce and immediately started dating a woman named Clémence who owns no television and has strong opinions on natural wine. Refuses to call it a midlife crisis because “Americans pathologize reinvention.”
Rothschild & Co
The divorce settlement involved three countries, six trusts, four lawyers, and a family office. Nobody knows who owns the house anymore. Children will inherit enough money that none of this matters.
51. Dating a 23-year-old Pilates instructor. Owns a motorcycle he is not particularly good at riding. Says “age is just a number” often enough that everyone has become uncomfortable. His kids stopped bringing friends over.
Second wife is an art dealer. Third girlfriend is somehow also an art dealer. Has become extremely interested in sculpture despite previously thinking MoMA was a medication.
Has been divorced twice and now gives unsolicited restructuring advice to every couple he knows. At dinner, asks friends whether the marriage is a going concern. Weirdly good at it.
The ex-wife got the recognizable assets. He kept enough cash to maintain appearances. Still goes to the same restaurants so people will think nothing changed.
Qatalyst
Lives in Palo Alto. Ex-wife got the Atherton house. New girlfriend is 29, works in product, and calls him “old man” affectionately. He tells everyone he is happier with a more founder-oriented lifestyle.
LionTree
Moved to Miami, started wearing linen, and launched a podcast nobody asked for.
Raine
Same, except the podcast has celebrity guests and he somehow gets invited to Cannes.
Allen & Co
Nobody knows whether he is married, divorced, widowed, or living with three families in three states. Will not discuss it. Appears in Sun Valley once a year and then disappears.
Gordon Dyal
Divorce settlement included a minority stake in his own emotional availability.
Ardea
Recently divorced, suddenly rich, and everyone keeps asking who he was married to.
Lives in Charlotte. Drives a Tahoe. Pays child support on time. Owns a Traeger, a Yeti cooler, and at least one shirt with the American flag on the sleeve. Honestly doing fine.
Three divorces, five countries, two currencies, and nobody is sure which wife has custody this week. Internal systems have not fully consolidated the children.
Divorce involved allegations. Settlement reached. No admission of wrongdoing.
British divorced dad in New York. Calls his ex “the former wife.” Drinks alone at the Carlyle and pretends this is sophisticated rather than sad.
Recently remarried and absorbed his new wife's Swiss family. Half the children still use the old surname.
Has been “turning his life around” since 2009. Every six months there is another incident.
Canadian divorced dad. Separation was polite enough that both sides apologized during mediation. Still shovels his ex-wife’s driveway and occasionally watches her new husband’s dog.
TD
Used to be considered the safe, responsible dad. Recently there have been some questions.
Moved from Toronto to Chicago after the divorce and tells everyone it was always part of the plan.
Divorced dad who spends enough time in Latin America that nobody asks follow-up questions.
Moved to New York after the divorce and tells the kids he is “building out the U.S. franchise.” They have stopped asking when he is moving back.
Santander
Spanish divorced dad who still kisses his ex-wife’s mother on both cheeks and somehow remains invited to Christmas.
Children live in London, Hong Kong, Dubai, and somewhere in New Jersey. Custody agreement is subject to multiple regulators.
French divorced dad who thinks fidelity is mainly a cultural preference.
Owns a farmhouse, drinks wine at lunch, and claims the divorce brought him closer to the land.
ING
Divorced, bikes everywhere, and is somehow still emotionally healthier than you.
Standard Chartered
Family situation spans five time zones and several former colonies.
Divorce handled discreetly, efficiently, and with enough shame to power Tokyo for a week.
Turned the marital home, beach house, custody schedule, and second wife into infrastructure assets with inflation-linked cash flows.
Moved to Florida after the divorce. Bought a boat. Every dating-app photo features either a fish or wraparound sunglasses. His bio says “no drama.”
There is significant drama.
Divorced dad who still looks married. Clean quarter-zip, nice haircut, sensible SUV. Ex-wife hates him with a depth that is not immediately visible.
Nobody knows whether Harris or Williams got custody.
Piper Sandler
Coaches youth hockey and is now dating another parent from the team. This has already created an issue.
Genuinely remains friends with his ex-wife. Everyone assumes one of them is lying.
Three grills. Pontoon boat. New girlfriend named Tammy.
Stephens
Family money made the divorce mostly an administrative exercise.
Solomon Partners
Keeps telling people he chose independence. His wife left him.
Has strict screen-time rules for the kids while spending six hours a day on X.
Leerink
Knows the exact medication history of everyone involved in the divorce.
Built a tangible book value analysis of marital assets and was asked by both lawyers to stop.
Ducera
Specializes in restructuring. Personal balance sheet remains distressed.
Used to be the hottest divorced dad in town.
Broadhaven
Moved near water and says it is helping.
Kept the office building. Lost the house.
Divorce somehow involved a Vancouver condo pre-sale.
Has the kids every fifth weekend and every third Wednesday. Nobody knows why.
Comerica
Moved to Texas and immediately bought boots.
M&T
Buffalo Bills basement. Ex-wife got upstairs.
Huntington
Recently remarried and already discussing “combining households.”
KeyBank
Has keys to four apartments and custody of none of the children.
Citizens
Describes himself as a “family guy” despite overwhelming contradictory evidence.
Perfect credit score, still sleeping in the guest room.
Truist
Marriage was created through a merger and the integration never really worked.
US Bank
Still married. Nobody knows why. Possibly because neither spouse is interesting enough to cheat.
Takes first dates to the café inside the branch because he gets points.
SVB
Marriage collapsed over one weekend while everyone else watched in real time.
Dutch divorced dad who owns farmland and has very specific opinions about fertilizer.
M Klein
Tells women he advises CEOs. They think he sells underwear.
Fenchurch
Found religion immediately after the separation. Timing raises questions.
Bought a Lincoln after the divorce and insists it was not symbolic.
Divorce made him very interested in real assets.
Arguments became unnecessarily nuclear.
Rockefeller Capital
Family wealth keeps everyone smiling in public.
Divorce lawyer has Knicks season tickets and is somehow part of the friend group now.
Corporate Banking
Still married. Home for dinner. Coaches Little League. Kids know his birthday. Wife genuinely likes him. Absolutely humiliating.
Can’t tell if this is AI or Adderall honestly
Holy cringe
You really spent time writing this (prompt)
I didn't know this many investment banks existed, and I still can't land an internship...
JFL at the Raine one. They get divorced and start dating an A-lister in Hollywood (she’s 21 and just starred in her breakthrough role)
Read the whole thing. Wells Fargo is paradise.
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